What is the lifespan of a wedding dress?
Or, put another way, can someone wear a wedding dress to something besides a wedding?
For one woman, that question was recently put to the test. She explained everything in a post on the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known as Fun_Towel_2726 on the site, got straight to the point in the post's title.
"AITA for ignoring what my fiancé's parents wanted and wore my wedding dress to her funeral?"
OP led with some background.
"Ooh ok. A lot to unpack here."
"I [24-year-old female] recently lost my fiancé [27-year-old female]. It came totally out of left field."
"Between the incident and her death, 27 told me that she wanted to be buried in her wedding dress and that it would mean a lot if I went in mine, too since we wouldn't be able to get married."
But there was a snag.
"I agreed. I told 27's family (they were in charge of planning the funeral) and they agreed to putting 27 in her wedding dress, but said I couldn't wear mine."
"Apparently they would be fine if I had a traditional wedding dress, but because it's this, they said it's inappropriate."
Thankfully, there were others to weigh in.
"I spoke with her sister and brothers about it (I'm quite close with them) and they said they would be on my side if I decided to show up in my wedding dress."
Then came the event itself.
"I did and 27's sister and brothers kept their promise but it really upset 27's parents even more. After the funeral, they cursed me out."
"They let some things slip (they never liked that their daughter liked girls and that they never liked me) and said I was being a selfish a**hole."
OP was left pondering some things.
"Now I'm conflicted; I was honouring my fiancé's wishes but at the same time, I went against her parents who are grieving the untimely loss of their daughter."
"AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Most Redditors took OP's side. They said she wasn't an a**hole.
They knew who was though.
"I'm very sorry for your loss NTA at all. Your fianceé's parents are extremely homophobic and bigots. You were not wrong to fulfill your fianceé's last wish. Her parents are the only assholes in this" -- Stormwalker1710
"NTA. I was gonna say NAH until they got homophobic. They are grieving and you are grieving. You are honoring their daughter's wishes and they should want to honor their daughter as well, including you." -- IntrospectOnIt
"NTA. You had agreed this with your fiancé and she wanted you to wear the dress (which is gorgeous by the way). Sounds like her parents big issue is that they are homophobic and wanted to pretend that their daughter wasn't a lesbian."
"They are a**holes here even excusing the fact they are grieving."
"I'm really sorry for your loss." -- Academic-Panic-
Many felt her fiance's parting wishes were the be all end all.
"NTA. When someone has their 'last wishes' known before their death, then it is the respectful thing to follow them."
"Her parents were clearly in the wrong with how they treated you as someone their daughter cared for, but also that's just a shi**y way to treat anyone ever when they lost someone important."
"I understand that they were also upset with the loss as well, but that is still unacceptable behavior." -- Excuse_Purple
"NTA While I can see why someone wearing a bright, colorful dress might possibly be upsetting to some during such a somber occasion, especially more traditional people."
"The last wishes of your fiancé trumps everything else. You be at peace knowing you respected her in her final moments."
"As for her parents. Big AHs here. Not so much for your/your fiancé's choice of wedding attire situation.. but for what they said to you after. Completely out of line. They disrespected you and their daughter majorly here. That is horrible and I'm so very sorry!"
"Please do your best to remove/ignore them from your life so you can grieve in peace. I'm so sorry for your loss :(" -- AbbyBirb
"NAH. You were honoring your finance's wishes, and your dress looks like a beautiful celebration of life - which is likely why her parents were upset, as many cultures put emphasis on the grief and mourning, so a dress like that can seem inappropriate or disrespectful."
"Her parents aren't AH for being upset either - they are entitled to their feelings and funerals are really for the lovong, not the dead. (Their homophobic comments, however, do make them AH)" -- riverdantes
"NTA this was basically her last wish and you lovingly respected it.. place the lashing out of her parents as them hurting, however painful & misplaced it may be and know that you did what was right.. my condolences & wishing you all the best for the future." -- Neko_09
And plenty zeroed in on what the real issue was.
"NTA It sounds like they wanted to bury their daughter straight and having you there reminded everyone that she was gay and her parents hated that. Not only were you honoring your fiancé wishes, but you didn't let her parents wipe out a part of her identity." -- Salt-Seaworthiness91
"NTA you and your fiance agreed to this if they don't like it they can kick rocks. It sounds like they just don't want a reminder that their daughter liked girls and wanted to marry you."
"However their homophobia and stuckupness isn't your problem and it definitely should not be put ahead of your fiance's wishes. I really like your dress it's beautiful and I'm sorry you had to wear it to your fiance's funeral rather than at your wedding. So sorry for your loss op." -- Living-In-Daydreams
Thankfully, it looks like OP can rest assured her response to losing such a close loved one was completely in bounds.
The next question, however, is what does this mean for the future of her connection with her fiance's family.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.