With the seriousness some people place on one day of their lives topping everyone else, weddings should be a competitive sport.
Then at least there would be a payoff for all the drama and pettiness.
A woman who spent a year competing with her husband’s brother and his fiancée turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Humble_Chemistry_716 asked:
“AITA for announcing at our reception that we’re already married?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (30, female) got engaged to Jack (31, male) last year. From the start, wedding planning was a nightmare. We were excited to celebrate and begin venue searching, but Jack broke his knee and couldn’t walk for months.”
“During Jack’s recovery, his brother Paul got engaged to Eva. Immediately, the family’s attention shifted. Paul and Eva got an engagement party, they got to tour venues, go dress shopping; we were just…the other ones.”
“By the time Jack recovered, we realized that not only did we not want to compete with Paul and Eva, but that a traditional wedding wasn’t in our budget. It would be cheaper to elope in Greece with close friends and family, then honeymoon there.”
“Happy with our decision, we told the family in May that we would get married in Greece in December. Everyone was excited—for exactly six days, until Paul and Eva shared their date: one month before ours.”
“It felt intentional.”
“Paul has a thing about being the eldest and married first. And surprise, everything then turned to them.”
“Band or DJ? White or beige linens? Who will be the flower girl? Everyone only cared about Paul and Eva’s big wedding, not me and Jack’s.”
“It felt like everything was going wrong. Only one member of the bridal party (Taylor) said she’d go to Greece. Even my mom wouldn’t come.”
“My mom said she couldn’t afford to go. She could, she just wanted me to pay for her instead, and to third-wheel on my honeymoon.”
“When I told her it wasn’t in our budget to pay her ticket, she said she wouldn’t come. We unfortunately had to uninvite my in-laws and Taylor from Greece after my mom couldn’t attend.”
“Taylor had already booked a flight. She was able to get the money back in flight credits, but Taylor makes a ton of money so it wasn’t an issue for her.”
“Originally, we’d hoped to have a traditional wedding, with bridesmaids and flower girls and all that, and I asked them to be my bridesmaids. After they said yes, we determined a traditional wedding wasn’t in the cards.”
“The wedding party were all invited to Greece originally, but only Taylor could go. Once we realized the guest list was only Taylor and Jack’s parents, we decided it was better to be alone.”
“One of the bridesmaids was our witness at the courthouse, but only because she was in town that weekend. None of them live local.”
“Paul and Eva were determined to upstage us, nobody cared about our wedding, even the bachelorette party sucked (but that’s another story.) So, Jack and I decided in July to do a private courthouse ceremony—something just for us instead of everyone else.”
“Jack and I still eloped in Greece alone. It was perfect, and we had a little of our budget left, so decided to throw a small reception for friends/family back in the US when we returned.”
“There, we shared our secret: that Jack and I actually married in July.”
“There were 3 events: 1) courthouse (July, just us), 2) ceremony/honeymoon in Greece (Dec, just us), and 3) reception in US with family in January.”
“People FREAKED OUT.”
“Eva blurted, ‘what was the point of Greece?’ and fumed the rest of the night. Our friends were quiet and kept to themselves. Taylor left early for an ’emergency’. Even my mom left early.”
“We had good intentions. We announced it so when we posted the wedding photos from the courthouse ceremony people wouldn’t be blindsided.”
“We’re also treating that as our real anniversary, so now people know when to celebrate us/wish us a happy anniversary too. It may have been a little ‘spiteful’ to Paul and Eva, who tried to upstage us for a year then found out they didn’t, but that was a bonus, not intentional.”
“Later, Taylor called and said she felt ‘hurt’ she wasn’t ‘included in the real wedding’. She was included; she found out about our real wedding when my own family did. She was invited to the reception and the bachelorette, the two most intimate and expensive celebrations of my life.”
“Not to drag her, but Taylor has a habit of making things about herself. You know the expression ‘she wants to be the bride at every wedding’…? I’m not surprised she did the same at mine.”
“Taylor got married last year and had a blowout. She makes a ton of money, and I was her maid-of-honor and ponied up where asked.”
“I bought the dress, I went to her destination bachelorette, I traveled for the wedding, and I never complained. I told her I was sorry that she felt that way, but that her actions were hypocritical.”
“She also got legally married on a different day and didn’t tell me until a year later because it was a secret, so why is it ‘hurtful’ when I do it but fine when she does?”
“She doesn’t have a right to not feel ‘included’ when I did include her in the same thing I included my own family in. She was just as ‘excluded’ as everyone else in the world.”
“She used a lot of therapy-talk, like ‘your day isn’t about me, I just wanted to be a part of it’. But nobody else complained, including my family, who are more important to me than anything.”
“If they didn’t feel excluded, why should she?”
“My coworker thinks I am an a**hole. She said people traveled for our reception on late notice just to be told they weren’t important enough for the real wedding. But nobody cared about our wedding, they just felt entitled to it after the fact.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I announced at my reception that my fiancé and I were already married in a secret ceremony in July, so they weren’t really at a reception right after our wedding.”
“I think I might be the a**hole because people traveled to a reception and felt unimportant to not be included in the ‘real’ thing.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
An overwhelming majority of Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“YTA. They thought they were attending a reception for a wedding that happened in December, but OP really needed to make sure Paul and Eva knew OP ‘beat’ them and in fact got married first by doing a pre-elopement-elopement at the courthouse in July.”
“So ha ha, jokes on Paul and Eva, I guess. OP, good luck with life.”
“If having a broken leg and a sibling-in-law getting married at the same time as you is a ‘nightmare’, I deeply wish you develop some perspective before the future gets *truly* hard.”
“You are way too focused on everybody else around you, and it’s going to cause you a lot of unnecessary heartache unless you can stop competing for main character with everyone else.”
“Life is tough. Don’t go looking for extra drama.” ~ ItsAboutResilience
“You know what, YTA.”
“For starters, I’m convinced this whole thing with Paul and Eva is entirely in your own head and you made a nonsense casserole over nothing. Life does not stop for anyone else when Jack is recovering and Paul and Eva can have their wedding whenever they want.”
“It’s not like there’s a line or anything on who can have weddings first. You sound like you really crave attention and your words and actions throughout the post are super off putting.”
“As for the actual conflict, I don’t know why you decided to wait until right then and there to announce that, or at all.”
It sounds so weird to attend a wedding reception only for one of you to randomly throw out ‘oh yeah, we actually got married months ago, lol’. Really just sounds spiteful and a reason to stir up drama nobody needed.” ~ Reddit
“A destination wedding is cheaper for YOU, not cheaper for ANYONE ELSE. A destination wedding, which is what you’re talking about here not an elopement, is always a big ask for all guests & wedding party.”
“Your bridal party and family now think you were going to have them spend a ton of money going to Greece for a destination wedding, when you were already married. That was selfish of you. YTA.” ~ thirdtryisthecharm
“As if the original post wasn’t trainwreck enough, OP talks about how she uninvited the groom’s parents and her friend Taylor from the Greek wedding after her mother couldn’t make it. My God, just grow the heck up. YTA.” ~ Active-Anteater1884
“Right, these were people who were willing to spend a ton of money to travel to be at the wedding, got uninvited, and then surprised at the reception with the information that there actually was a local wedding they could have attended, they just weren’t wanted. YTA.” ~ Unable_Pumpkin987
While most didn’t have an issue with OP’s choice to have multiple events for their wedding, they did take umbrage with the OP’s attitude, timing and treatment of others.
The OP asked for judgment and she got it.
Be careful what you wish for.