Weddings are no joke, especially when it comes to the financials.
Keeping the invite list at a certain number is the most sure fire way for couples to stay within budget. This has caused people to find ways to keep plus ones at bay.
One of the most popular phrases to assist in this is, "no ring, no bring". This means the invited person does not get a plus one unless they are engaged or married to them.
Redditor PlusoneIssue recently was told his girlfriend couldn't come to a wedding because of this very rule.
This led him to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
He asked:
"AITA for opting out of my best friend's wedding because they didn't invite my gf?"
He went on to explain.
"My [28-year-old male] childhood best friend Brad [28-year-old male] is getting married in late May to Vicky [26-year-old female]."
"A week ago, on Easter I received his wedding invite which only listed my name but not my gf, Mary [28-year-old female]. For context, Brad, Mary and I have known each other since high school."
"We were in the same friend group. Mary and I live around 2 hours away from Brad and Vicky."
"Because Mary is a nurse she doesn't always have the time to visit Brad and Vicky with me so I go alone most of the time but when she's able she'll join me."
"Mary has met Vicky and seen her around 10 times in the past 4 years that Vicky is with Brad."
"Mary and I have been together for 6 years total and we do plan on getting engaged and married once we are more financially settled."
"So I asked Brad if Mary is invited and they just forgot to mention her name to which he replied that Vicky is very strict about some rules and in order to cut down costs she's enforcing a no ring no bring rule for the wedding so since Mary is "just a girlfriend" and doesn't have a ring to imply some formality then she's not invited."
"I reminded Brad that Mary and I have been together longer than he's with Vicky and that Mary is also his friend not just my partner."
"He says he knows and tried to talk Vicky out of it but she's very strict with that. I let it go and I was in dilemma about whether I should go to the wedding or not because of that."
"Mary told me she's not happy about the situation but I should go to avoid more drama. So I called them to tell them I'll attend."
"Vicky picked up the phone and said she's sorry about making me uncomfortable by not inviting Mary but these are the rules. I said I respect the rules I'm not necessarily happy about it though."
"She then for some reason started being harsh about how Mary and I are not in a serious enough relationship if after knowing each other for so long and being together for 6 years we are not engaged yet and joked that after all you never know what tomorrow brings and I could break up with Mary anytime since we haven't shown any signs of true commitment."
"I confronted her and told her that it's not her place to validate Mary and I's relationship and that it's really low of her to use a dumb rule just to shame and micromanage long term couples who for whatever reason haven't gotten married yet."
"I said I'll pass after all and not attend the wedding."
"She and Brad said I'm disrespecting them and their choices by choosing Mary over their wedding day and I said I don't care."
"Keep your rules and I'll keep my relationship because it's more important than any exclusive rules that only exist in order to shame people."
"I've been receiving a lot of backlash from other friends for that choice who said I'm an AH for being so bitter about something so small." '
"But to me it's not small. They invalidated Mary and our relationship."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA"
"What a stupid rule, and stupid in this instance for many specific reasons."
"First of all, Mary and Brad were in the same high school friend group, so it could easily be argued that she could be invited purely based on being his friend and totally independent of her relationship with you."
"Second, using marriage as a barometer of commitment is inane."
"So by bride's logic if cousin Chad gets drunk in Vegas and marries the girl he's been dating for two weeks, she would get an invite, while your girlfriend of 6 years would not."
"That is so dumb."
"To top all this off, you were initially willing to let it go and just come anyhow, but then bride had to double down and insult your relationship to your face."
"That just sucks. Groom needs to step up and be a good friend and tell bride she is being ridiculous." - poeadam
"NTA"
"'No ring, no bring' is really stupid and outdated."
"It usually come from A) religion, or B) a feeling of superiority (usually rooted in self consciousness) that your relationship must be "better" because of a title."
"Weddings are about celebrating love. A piece of metal or a piece of paper are not necessary for that."
"And, honestly, how Brad deals with this will tell a lot."
"Because he just wants to placate his fiancee....and this won't be the first or the last time he doesn't stand up for himself in his relationship."
"He needs to realize there are consequences to his inaction."
"She's going to try to force some "norms" on kids if they have them, because she's worried about her image." - Usrname52
"NTA sounds like Vicky is jealous or has something against your gf. That rule doesn't make sense and her additional comments over the phone were unnecessary" - Smolfeelings
"NTA"
"'But to me it's not small. They invalidated Mary and our relationship.'"
"Excluding Mary from the wedding was mean, but forgivable. But once Vicky made is clear she disrespects you, and your commitment to your long term relationship, there is no way back."
"She thinks you are 'lower' than her and feels quite comfortable making that judgement out loud to your face."
"How can you be friends with someone who has told you that you are less worthy of respect and politeness than them? She will always see you and Mary as her inferiors."
"Brad is willing to let her treat you that way. He might not like it, but he isn't going to defend you."
"Once someone has made it clear that they do not see you as their equal, there can be no friendship. That is a status divide worse than master/servant or teacher/pupil."
"Vicky probably thinks she is being v gracious by allowing you a seat at the grown ups table instead of sending you out the back to eat with the kids."
"Why would you want to support a marriage between two people who do not value you or treat you with dignity? This is not a minor issue. This is a serious misalignment of values."
"NTA. As usual, people can invite who they want. However, there is a lot here that's wrong."
"'she's enforcing a no ring no bring rule for the wedding'"
"You don't have a ring, so how do you get to go? Is it because you're their friend and she isn't?"
"'Mary is also his friend not just my partner'"
"'when she's able she'll join me. Mary has met Vicky and seen her around 10 times in the past 4 years that Vicky is with Brad.'"
"Apparently not. Why did she allow Mary to visit if there was no ring to validate it?"
"'started being harsh about how Mary and I are not in a serious enough relationship if after knowing each other for so long and being together for 6 years we are not engaged yet and joked that after all you never know what tomorrow brings and I could break up with Mary anytime since we haven't shown any signs of true commitment.'"
"At this point most reasonable people would have had enough."
"'Keep your rules and I'll keep my relationship because it's more important than any exclusive rules that only exist in order to shame people.'"
"Absolutely right."
"When you get married, tell them they can't be invited because you have a rule that anyone whose relationship is shorter than yours isn't eligible." - diminishingpatience
"NTA - They are allowed to have whatever rules they want, but you are allowed to decline their invitation."
"'I am not interested spending time and money to celebrate their relationship when they refuse to acknowledge mine.'" - Forward_Squirrel8879
"NTA. your girlfriend is a mutual long time friend of theirs and your friend is marrying a horrible bridezilla." - Ignominious333
"NTA"
"You're not disrespecting their choices"
"You're respecting their choice to disrespect your relationship- and behaving accordingly"
"They made their guest list"
"They can lie in it" - SnooRadishes5305
Guess that's two less plates to pay for.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.