Weddings are no joke, especially when it comes to the financials.
Keeping the invite list at a certain number is the most sure fire way for couples to stay within budget. This has caused people to find ways to keep plus ones at bay.
One of the most popular phrases to assist in this is, “no ring, no bring”. This means the invited person does not get a plus one unless they are engaged or married to them.
Redditor PlusoneIssue recently was told his girlfriend couldn’t come to a wedding because of this very rule.
This led him to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
He asked:
“AITA for opting out of my best friend’s wedding because they didn’t invite my gf?”
He went on to explain.
“My [28-year-old male] childhood best friend Brad [28-year-old male] is getting married in late May to Vicky [26-year-old female].”
“A week ago, on Easter I received his wedding invite which only listed my name but not my gf, Mary [28-year-old female]. For context, Brad, Mary and I have known each other since high school.”
“We were in the same friend group. Mary and I live around 2 hours away from Brad and Vicky.”
“Because Mary is a nurse she doesn’t always have the time to visit Brad and Vicky with me so I go alone most of the time but when she’s able she’ll join me.”
“Mary has met Vicky and seen her around 10 times in the past 4 years that Vicky is with Brad.”
“Mary and I have been together for 6 years total and we do plan on getting engaged and married once we are more financially settled.”
“So I asked Brad if Mary is invited and they just forgot to mention her name to which he replied that Vicky is very strict about some rules and in order to cut down costs she’s enforcing a no ring no bring rule for the wedding so since Mary is “just a girlfriend” and doesn’t have a ring to imply some formality then she’s not invited.”
“I reminded Brad that Mary and I have been together longer than he’s with Vicky and that Mary is also his friend not just my partner.”
“He says he knows and tried to talk Vicky out of it but she’s very strict with that. I let it go and I was in dilemma about whether I should go to the wedding or not because of that.”
“Mary told me she’s not happy about the situation but I should go to avoid more drama. So I called them to tell them I’ll attend.”
“Vicky picked up the phone and said she’s sorry about making me uncomfortable by not inviting Mary but these are the rules. I said I respect the rules I’m not necessarily happy about it though.”
“She then for some reason started being harsh about how Mary and I are not in a serious enough relationship if after knowing each other for so long and being together for 6 years we are not engaged yet and joked that after all you never know what tomorrow brings and I could break up with Mary anytime since we haven’t shown any signs of true commitment.”
“I confronted her and told her that it’s not her place to validate Mary and I’s relationship and that it’s really low of her to use a dumb rule just to shame and micromanage long term couples who for whatever reason haven’t gotten married yet.”
“I said I’ll pass after all and not attend the wedding.”
“She and Brad said I’m disrespecting them and their choices by choosing Mary over their wedding day and I said I don’t care.”
“Keep your rules and I’ll keep my relationship because it’s more important than any exclusive rules that only exist in order to shame people.”
“I’ve been receiving a lot of backlash from other friends for that choice who said I’m an AH for being so bitter about something so small.” ‘
“But to me it’s not small. They invalidated Mary and our relationship.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA”
“What a stupid rule, and stupid in this instance for many specific reasons.”
“First of all, Mary and Brad were in the same high school friend group, so it could easily be argued that she could be invited purely based on being his friend and totally independent of her relationship with you.”
“Second, using marriage as a barometer of commitment is inane.”
“So by bride’s logic if cousin Chad gets drunk in Vegas and marries the girl he’s been dating for two weeks, she would get an invite, while your girlfriend of 6 years would not.”
“That is so dumb.”
“To top all this off, you were initially willing to let it go and just come anyhow, but then bride had to double down and insult your relationship to your face.”
“That just sucks. Groom needs to step up and be a good friend and tell bride she is being ridiculous.” – poeadam
“NTA”
“’No ring, no bring’ is really stupid and outdated.”
“It usually come from A) religion, or B) a feeling of superiority (usually rooted in self consciousness) that your relationship must be “better” because of a title.”
“Weddings are about celebrating love. A piece of metal or a piece of paper are not necessary for that.”
“And, honestly, how Brad deals with this will tell a lot.”
“Because he just wants to placate his fiancee….and this won’t be the first or the last time he doesn’t stand up for himself in his relationship.”
“He needs to realize there are consequences to his inaction.”
“She’s going to try to force some “norms” on kids if they have them, because she’s worried about her image.” – Usrname52
“NTA sounds like Vicky is jealous or has something against your gf. That rule doesn’t make sense and her additional comments over the phone were unnecessary” – Smolfeelings
“NTA”
“‘But to me it’s not small. They invalidated Mary and our relationship.’”
“Excluding Mary from the wedding was mean, but forgivable. But once Vicky made is clear she disrespects you, and your commitment to your long term relationship, there is no way back.”
“She thinks you are ‘lower’ than her and feels quite comfortable making that judgement out loud to your face.”
“How can you be friends with someone who has told you that you are less worthy of respect and politeness than them? She will always see you and Mary as her inferiors.”
“Brad is willing to let her treat you that way. He might not like it, but he isn’t going to defend you.”
“Once someone has made it clear that they do not see you as their equal, there can be no friendship. That is a status divide worse than master/servant or teacher/pupil.”
“Vicky probably thinks she is being v gracious by allowing you a seat at the grown ups table instead of sending you out the back to eat with the kids.”
“Why would you want to support a marriage between two people who do not value you or treat you with dignity? This is not a minor issue. This is a serious misalignment of values.”
“NTA. As usual, people can invite who they want. However, there is a lot here that’s wrong.”
“‘she’s enforcing a no ring no bring rule for the wedding’”
“You don’t have a ring, so how do you get to go? Is it because you’re their friend and she isn’t?”
“‘Mary is also his friend not just my partner’”
“‘when she’s able she’ll join me. Mary has met Vicky and seen her around 10 times in the past 4 years that Vicky is with Brad.’”
“Apparently not. Why did she allow Mary to visit if there was no ring to validate it?”
“‘started being harsh about how Mary and I are not in a serious enough relationship if after knowing each other for so long and being together for 6 years we are not engaged yet and joked that after all you never know what tomorrow brings and I could break up with Mary anytime since we haven’t shown any signs of true commitment.’”
“At this point most reasonable people would have had enough.”
“‘Keep your rules and I’ll keep my relationship because it’s more important than any exclusive rules that only exist in order to shame people.’”
“Absolutely right.”
“When you get married, tell them they can’t be invited because you have a rule that anyone whose relationship is shorter than yours isn’t eligible.” – diminishingpatience
“NTA – They are allowed to have whatever rules they want, but you are allowed to decline their invitation.”
“‘I am not interested spending time and money to celebrate their relationship when they refuse to acknowledge mine.’” – Forward_Squirrel8879
“NTA. your girlfriend is a mutual long time friend of theirs and your friend is marrying a horrible bridezilla.” – Ignominious333
“NTA”
“You’re not disrespecting their choices”
“You’re respecting their choice to disrespect your relationship- and behaving accordingly”
“They made their guest list”
“They can lie in it” – SnooRadishes5305
Guess that’s two less plates to pay for.