Content Warning: Weight Gain, Weight-Shaming, Body-Shaming; Mentions of Eating Disorders
Consider this a public service announcement: When a person gains weight, they more than likely already know that they gained weight.
They also probably feel some kind of way about it and don’t need someone else’s comments.
That’s especially true in a romantic relationship, where weight-shaming, body-shaming, and toxicly conditional love go hand-in-hand, cautioned the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor bluehat179 had gained about 20 pounds since the start of her relationship with her boyfriend, and she was surprised when he not only pointed out his displeasure.
But when he also indicated that if she continued to gain weight, their relationship might not last, the Original Poster (OP) decided she was better off not taking the next step with him by moving into his home.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by not moving in after my boyfriend told me he’s ‘not happy wtih my body’ and feels it’s my responsibility to change it?”
The OP gained some weight after she started dating her boyfriend.
“My boyfriend (37 Male) and I (29 Female) have been together since June, so about eight or nine months. Overall, the relationship has been good, and we were actually planning for me to move into his house at the end of this month.”
“Recently, he told me that he’s noticed I’ve gained weight since we started dating (around 20 pounds) and that it bothers him. He said if I keep gaining weight, it could be the downfall of our relationship.”
“For context, I’m still very active, I walk regularly and go to hot yoga multiple times a week (last week, I went five times), I eat relatively healthy, and I can’t remember the last time I had fast food. I’m not living an unhealthy lifestyle.”
“For context, I took this picture yesterday. I’m 5’3, and I like my body. I do want to start adding lifting weights into my routine, and this has been said to him before he told me any of this.”
“Like I said, I like my body, I go to hot yoga regularly, and I’m able to do arm balances/inversions. I do want to get stronger, but that’s for me, not for him.”
The OP felt very unloved during this conversation.
“When he first said this, I told him the way he framed it made me feel like my body determines whether I’m loved, and that felt like conditional love to me.”
“I also said relationships go through life changes and asked what would happen if I got sick or injured someday.”
“He said that’s different because those things wouldn’t be in my control, but if my weight is something I can control, then I should take responsibility for it.”
“We continued talking about it, and I explained that the conversation made me feel sad, confused, and honestly, scared about taking the next step of moving in together.”
The OP decided not to take the next step with her boyfriend.
“Because of that, I told him I wanted to slow things down and that I’m going to renew my lease and spend more time at my own place instead of moving in right now.”
“During that conversation, he told me directly that he’s ‘not happy with my body’ and that it’s my responsibility to fix it. He also said that when I brought up examples like illness or accidents, that was me ‘not taking accountability.'”
“That comment honestly made something in me shut down. It made me feel evaluated and judged rather than supported, especially since I thought we were moving toward a serious future together.”
“I’m not against taking care of my health, and I’m proud of the fact that I stay active. But hearing my partner say he’s unhappy with my body and that it’s my responsibility to change it really hurt, and I don’t know how we’re supposed to have a healthy sex life now.”
The OP was hurt by the direction her relationship was going in.
“At this point, I’ve decided not to move in, and I’m moving my things back to my place to create some space.”
“Initially, he said he would respect any decision that I made, but now that I’ve started moving things of mine that were already at his place, he has been passive-aggressive and definitely upset.”
“Am I overreacting by slowing things down and still feeling this upset about what he said?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some hyped the OP up, pointing out that her boyfriend should have nothing to complain about.
“Wow!!! There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with your weight! You look GOOD!”
“The audacity to even open his mouth and flap his lips about your weight is CRAZY to me! I wouldn’t even entertain this nonsense anymore.”
“Continue to do you, because whatever you’re doing is working! Do not let him tell you any different!” – CrazyMisSE
“You look amazing. Your lifestyle sounds healthy, and you look healthy. He is being shallow and values the wrong things. I would seriously consider dumping him. You deserve so much better.”
“I am so sorry this has happened to you, but maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, showing you he is not the right one before your relationship progresses to the next stage.”
“You shouldn’t have to be in a relationship that makes you feel insecure and where you can’t be your authentic self. I wish you a future filled with happiness and self-love.” – Magical-Fairy
“You have a lovely female body, strong with curves. If you don’t like the extra 20 pounds, lose it because you want to, not ever for anyone else. He’s not a good guy, and you deserve to be loved for every version of you.” – EntertainerProper175
“Girrrrl… do you know how many men would kill to be able to get near you? Not just creepers, either. You’re young. You’re fit. You have a long future, and you shouldn’t waste it on someone this shallow, ESPECIALLY this shallow at his age.”
“He’s starting to show his true colors. You don’t need to waste your time on more red flags. You have the advantage (no matter what this guy looks like). You can have your pick.”
“Do it now before you get more invested and more upset when he gets worse.” – sassycat13
“NOR. Oh my f**king god, OP, ditch this man.”
“I know a woman who married a man who did the same thing to her. He is ALWAYS talking about how unhappy he is with her weight when he wants her to be ballerina skinny. It was never enough, and she’s had two kids with him, and is still a healthy, slender weight, just not ballerina skinny.”
“He stares at the very rare women who are that skinny and is always grossly flirting with another woman in her family who is slightly thinner and looks like her.” – czring
“OP, I’m so sorry you felt like you had to even prove to us what your body looks like. As incredible as you do look, it shouldn’t even matter. Regardless of your physique, your partner should never be ‘unhappy’ with your body because your body is not for your partner, and it is not a thing to be enjoyed by him and kept in a certain physique for his enjoyment.”
“I am so sorry he said this to you and that this is his perspective. With his worldview, it seems to me that he views you as something for him, not as a human to share life and experiences with. I am so sorry. I hope you leave him.” – mtezillion
Others quipped that there was one way for the OP to lose weight fast, if she was interested.
“Lose 200 pounds by dumping his a**, girl! I bet he’s no Adonis, either, the f**king nerve of him.” – GribbinJones
“ANYTHING you do like this should be for you, not anyone else, ever. Now dump his insensitive, manipulative a**, and get the rockin’ body YOU want.” – Neither_Ground_1921
“NOR. You look great. This guy wants someone he can control to fit his as-seen-on-TV unhealthy body type. He would cheer if you had an eating disorder that made you look like you were starving to death. And when the health issues from that come along, he will wash his hands of you and move on to someone else who does not complain about the effects of starving themselves.”
“That sounds really harsh, but he deserves it.”
“The only weight you need to lose here is his exact body weight. Toss him in the trash bin and lose the dead weight in your life.” – Jooombiiine
“He knows nothing is wrong with her body. He just wants to tear down her confidence and make her insecure so that he has control over her. YAWWWN to this manchild; such old and tired tactics.” – SmartQuokka
“I hope you love your body enough to no longer share it with this loser. For real.” – JDD88
“Bruh. My partner talks all the time about gaining ‘happy weight’ since we got together, and all I see is the most beautiful man on earth.”
“I love him so much, he could become mashed potatoes, and I’d still melt every time he looks at me.”
“I don’t know you, but I want that kind of love for you, OP. Get that space you want, and that love will come your way when it’s prepared for all your greatness.” – jdkewl
The fact that the OP felt the need to share a photograph of herself to “prove” what she looked like showed just how deeply her boyfriend’s comments had cut and how much they were already affecting her view of herself, leaving her needing reassurance from an outside source.
Before the situation could get worse, the OP deserved the distance she was creating for herself by renewing her lease, and much more. There were other people out there who would love her at all sizes and through any illness or workout routine. This guy just wasn’t that person.