Content Warning: Hypersexualizing, Consent, Boundaries
While everyone has different boundaries and comfort levels with their bodies, how much skin they’ll show, and who they’re the most comfortable around, the truth is that bodies are not inherently sexual.
But some people have a really hard time accepting that as a fact, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Odd-Significance-638 had a very comfortable relationship with their son, who was on the verge of being a teenager, and he often called them to come into the bathroom while he was taking a bath for the two of them to talk.
When their boyfriend called them out and said it was inappropriate to see their son in the bath, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t see what the problem was but questioned whether they were crossing a boundary they didn’t realize was there before.
The OP asked the sub:
“Who is overreacting? My boyfriend flipped out that my 12-year-old lets me see him in the bath.”
The OP respected their son’s boundaries, including during bathtime.
“My 12-year-old son hasn’t hit puberty yet and is still very childlike. I always give him privacy when he asks for it, he gets dressed in his room, and neither me or his older sister go around with no/scant clothes on.”
“However, sometimes when he’s in the bath, he will call me in to the bathroom to talk about something.”
The OP’s boyfriend thought that they were crossing boundaries, however.
“The other day, my boyfriend saw me go in to talk to him and really flipped out on me, saying it was nasty, weird, inappropriate, and basically treated me like I was doing something dirty and horrible.”
“My argument has been that if my son’s comfortable with me seeing him in the bath at this point in his development, then it isn’t an issue, and of course I would never go into the bathroom uninvited if he was in there.”
“My daughter was about 11 when she stopped wanting me to come into the bathroom with her, and I respected that immediately.”
“I have also once had a discreet wee in front of my son when I was absolutely bursting and he wouldn’t get out of the bath. On this occasion, he had already asked me to come into the bathroom to talk to him, nothing was showing, and he turned to face the wall. Obviously, I didn’t do it for the fun of it, I thought my bladder was going to explode.”
The OP’s boyfriend insisted that this wasn’t a healthy dynamic.
“My boyfriend says these are not healthy boundaries, and I need to teach my son it’s wrong, even if he doesn’t feel uncomfortable, and I’m setting unhealthy habits for later life.”
“I’m autistic, so sometimes I do struggle with boundaries, but on this occasion, I can understand why my boyfriend has a different opinion, but I don’t think I did anything that horrible.”
“Who is overreacting here? Have I been inappropriate without realising?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some thought the OP had set appropriate boundaries and taught their son an important lesson.
“This is actually… healthy. You’re respecting his boundaries, but also showing him that bodies are just that, bodies. They are not inherently sexual.”
“You’re not gawking at him or anything like that, just chatting (or, like you said, sometimes you gotta go NOW, and if he was okay with that, whatever!).”
“Once he asks you to stop coming in, of course, respect the boundary, but it sounds like you’re already doing that. This is solid parenting, in my opinion.” – stars_are_aligned
“Yikes. Nudity is not automatically sexual. Especially with YOUR SON. It’s a huge red flag that your boyfriend can’t make that separation.” – LuciusCaeser
“NOR. Making naked bodies a thing often causes body image issues or extra curiosity in kids. If we treat bodies like they are just a part of being human, so will they.”
“Now of course, everyone’s desire for privacy should be respected, and I’m sure he will get there.” – Crispynotcrunchy
“I’m not sure how to vote here, but you did nothing wrong. Your boyfriend is overreacting. He’s your son, and absolutely nothing inappropriate happened.”
“You said it yourself: when your daughter told you not to come in, you immediately respected that. The same will happen with your son at some point.”
“You are overreacting a bit by feeling horrified and believing your boyfriend on this, though. Is he a parent? I’d consider his reaction a red flag, especially the way he went about expressing his feelings on this.” – Informal-Insurance63
“Counselor here. You wouldn’t believe the number of guys who ‘confess’ that their mom has seen them naked past wearing diapers. The relief they feel when I tell them it’s normal is palpable.”
“For some of these guys, there are situations where it was definitely not okay, but that’s not what you are describing. Your kid will indeed, at the very least, give signs of the need for privacy, if not outright just start locking doors. Keep the boundaries and privacy dialogue open and frequent so he feels confident when he does draw boundaries, and he’ll be fine.” – Illustrious_Tree_
Others agreed and did not see an issue with the OP’s behavior.
“NOR. We gotta stop immediately going to dark places. This is literally the healthiest relationship between parent and child I have ever seen.” – AppearanceAnxious102
“As a Nordic, this is a bit hard for me to grasp… There was a phase, which is fine, when I was like 16 and didn’t want to use the sauna at the same time as my dad, but after I got older, it was okay again.”
“We’re just different about these things, I guess… but at 12, I still had my dad come scrub my back, and now at over 40, I go into a common sauna with strangers sometimes, and sometimes we talk to each other while in there, no big deal.” – pinkkipanda
“I’m near 40, and my mom saw me full frontal wang just yesterday… when she was helping me change the bandage on my butt after I had surgery.”
“Point is, you’re his mom, who cares? As long as it’s appropriate, in context, and he isn’t objecting, this is a nothing issue.”
“Provide your boyfriend a glass of water and one chill pill; he is overreacting.” – TraditionalDegree540
“I was the primary caretaker for my dad when he was on his way out, and guess what, part of that meant helping him use the bathroom and get cleaned up when he couldn’t do it on his own anymore, and yes, that involved seeing his naked body.”
“I can assure you there was absolutely NOTHING sexual about that context, it was very much clinical and just trying to help a dying elderly parent be as comfortable as he could.”
“It’s very likely that at some point a parent or child is going to see each other’s naked bodies at some point for purely functional reasons. It’s only weird if someone gets weird about it.” – LaikaAzure
“My 10-year-old boy still asks me to keep him company during his bath. I sit outside the door so we can talk, but I don’t go in unless he specifically asks me to, and I definitely don’t go in while he’s washing his penis. He still gets undressed in front of me, and I turn away so I’m not looking right at him while he’s naked.”
“He is autistic (as am I) and often gets scared to be alone, which means that when we are out, we go into the family bathroom together; I face the other way while he goes, and vice versa. It’s not like either of us is ogling the other. He’s my child; I literally created his body.”
“So yeah, I’ll go into the bathroom with him for as long as he needs me to, and I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. NOR.” – mfp242
“I’m a mum of a boy similar age. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. You’re his mum and he’s a child. You respect his boundaries.”
“It will be obvious when he’s suddenly conscious and doesn’t want you around while he’s in the bath. My kid is almost 13 and is now closing the door when getting dressed, etc. It’s all good.”
“There’s definitely something wrong with the way your boyfriend reacted and treated you over it. I’d be seriously considering if he’s the right person to have in your family. Sorry! Hope you are okay.”
“NOR.” – Brilliant_Mood3272
The subReddit was ready to reassure the OP that, as long as their son was comfortable with this arrangement and they respected his boundaries like they respected their daughter’s, there was nothing to worry about here. It sounded to them like the son didn’t want to be alone in the bath or wanted to talk to his parent in a quiet, cozy space, which was fine.
Hopefully, the OP and their boyfriend would be able to talk through this so that they could see eye-to-eye on boundaries and communication, so their relationship could move forward.