The term baby-trap refers to a "situation where one partner in a relationship intentionally gets pregnant (or causes their partner to get pregnant) without the other's full consent or knowledge, usually to secure the relationship, prevent a breakup, or gain control."
Originally stemming from the men's rights and alpha male online communities, directed solely as an insult directed at women, the term was expanded to include men who tamper with birth control to get their partner pregnant.
It's not a nice thing to be accused of—and an even worse thing to actually do.
A wife and mother of three whose husband accused her of baby trapping him in front of their friends turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after going off on him.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Downtown_Roll_3760 asked:
"AITAH for embarrassing my husband for saying I baby trapped him?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"To put it bluntly, my husband and I had a surprise baby while we were young. I was on long-term birth control at the time (implant in arm) and had to have it removed after we found out I was pregnant."
"Last week, we were out for dinner with friends, and he was making jokes and slipped in about how he thinks I baby-trapped him. No reason for it, nothing to back up this crazy accusation, never mentioned it before, but I guess drunk words are sober thoughts?"
"Our friends obviously looked a bit shocked and uncomfortable, especially when they saw my face."
"I asked my husband what the heck he was on about. He was saying how it was weird that we'd been sleeping together for 4 years and then I randomly got pregnant."
"I responded by asking him a flurry of questions like 'oh, did I baby trap you for your money?' He and his family were broke, mine is well off."
"And 'did I baby trap you for your house?' We lived in one of my parents' properties at the time. And 'did I baby trap you for your cars?' He didn't have a license at that point."
"He didn't respond, and then our friends changed the subject. He's been giving me basically the silent treatment ever since, only one-word answers, and only when I speak to him."
"By the way, since having our 1st, we have been married for 3 years, bought a house—with my deposit—and had two more children. This completely caught me by surprise, but he really seems quite upset by this."
"I know it was cruel to embarrass him, but a common phrase in my area is 'don't dish it out if you can't take it'."
"AITAH?"
The OP later added:
"We are 25, we have been together for 10 years, and married for 3. We had our first when we were 19."
"Our relationship has been happy and healthy. I absolutely adore our family of 5, +2 fur babies, and we have supported each other through major life events over the past decade."
"The friends we were with are relatively new ones and are obviously not going to know about our first child's surprise conception."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong, even if she pulled no punches with intent to harm in her response, because his "joke" was extremely offensive.
"NTA. Maybe the correct response should have been, however, 'pretty sure he tampered with my birth control' so he could see just how absurd his allegations actually were." ~ Organic-Willow2835
"Exactly. Like, he thinks making unfounded accusations about her trustworthiness at dinner is funny? He should love her, making the same kind of accusations as a joke then."
"Except he can dish it out, but he can't take it." ~ linerva
"NTA. The fact that this 'joke' came out means he's had the thought before, and enough that it slipped. From the info you provided, it sounds like his ego sorely misjudged who he thought he was."
"Yes, he is probably embarrassed. But so were you. Sounds like he married up and still thinks that he was the prize." ~ African_Americano
"This guy is going like 'I'm not saying, but I'm just saying' ...and guys in the comments are trying to play it off as a light joke and claiming she overreacted and he's the victim here."
"He accused her of violating his consent, lying, manipulating, and extorting him. What part of that is funny?"
"Bet they wouldn't be laughing if their own wives started casually accusing them of DV or SA in public 'as a joke'."
"It is not funny to joke about your partner abusing you. Unless you explicitly have the understanding that kind of dark humor flies in your relationship and friendship group."
"Given that everyone was horrified, he clearly didn't think that through." ~ linerva
"Or he was trying to ruin her reputation. Abusers tend to isolate their victims. They haven't been married for very long and with three kids in four years, he's at the point where the mask tends to come off."
"Dude probably thinks he's got her trapped and is finally showing his true colors. I wouldn't trust him after casually making such an accusation, especially with the psychological/emotional abuse that is the silent treatment."
"He's a POS just for how he talked about OP at the dinner, and he's treating her in reaction to being called out on it." ~ aPawMeowNyation
"Absolutely NTA. He tried to humiliate you in front of a group of friends, and you put him in his place. Now HE'S mad at YOU‽‽ That's rich. Hubby can dish it out, but he can't take it. What a turn off." ~ SepiaToneHitchhiker
"You say: 'Oh, it's not yours!'."
"And then in the stunned silence you add: 'Sorry, I thought the game was to say the most hurtful untrue thing we could think of'."
"F*ck that guy and NTA." ~ SeaDazer
"NTA. 'I know it was cruel to embarrass him...'—you stop that talk now, OP. He's the one who—albeit drunkenly—opened his mouth and tried to trash your reputation and dignity among your friends."
"Still, when the dust settles, I'd recommend marriage counseling. Absent an apology from him, the trust will need work to be repaired." ~ ElemWiz
"Nothing wrong in being an a**hole for the right cause."
"If he is still acting like a sooky la la, then call his a** out. Just say straight up, 'You can drop the bullsh*t right now. You degraded me, I called you out on it. It's finished unless you keep acting like this, then we will be finished! Got it? Now put your big boy pants on and start acting like a flamin adult!'." ~ RelievingFart
"OP, he's definitely feeling butthurt for you standing up for yourself and not just silently taking his 'joking' toxic-a** bullsh*t."
"You have the opportunity to shut his juvenile silent treatment down by using direct communication. Tell him use his words & talk like an adult if he has a problem & let him know how insanely inappropriate his 'joke' was, that if he needs to talk about thoughts that are bothering him, a dinner with friends is neither the time nor the place, and how you won't tolerate abusive language like that."
"Everyone has walked away from a social situation at least once going 'well that's it, I need to fake my own death and start again under a fake name in a completely different country', so I'm sure he's not a total piece of sh*t to the core, but nudge him back toward humanity by reminding him how important it is to talk about sh*t." ~ bubblegams
"NTAH he shouldn't have embarrassed you by bringing all this up at dinner with your friends! Did he feel embarrassed with your truthful answers to his humiliating accusations‽‽"
"It took him years to build a life and trust, and in one night, he's toppled all you thought about him. How are you supposed to move forward in your marriage when you just found out he doesn't trust you?"
"That for years he's been secretly doubting you and building resentment. Sounds like he was a loser then and still a loser now." ~ ChallengeHoudini
"He feels trapped? Set him free. It doesn't sound like he brings much usefulness to the relationship." ~ ASOT-1
"He decided to be an a**hole in public, and you called him the eff out. Maybe he'll learn not to parrot back toxic male bullcrap he read on the internet? NTA." ~ angel9_writes
"NTA. His comment was loaded, offensive, and inappropriate. You're absolutely right that drunk words are sober thoughts. Your response was perfect."
"I once told a mother who called me a gold-digger, 'If I'm digging gold on your deadbeat son, I need to turn in my shovel'. He's being a pissbaby because you showed that he wasn't the big man who could insult you to validate himself. Any other Tate-isms sneaking in?" ~ majzira
The OP added an update:
"I am 100% sure my husband doesn't genuinely think I baby-trapped him. I think it was just a very poor joke where I was the punchline, and I opened my mouth before I had time to think."
"I have apologised for embarrassing him with my response, and he has, of course, apologised for his inappropriate 'joke' and has clarified to our friends."
"Thank you for your opinions, tips, and advice—it helped give some clarity and outside insight before having a proper discussion with him about the incident."
Sometimes having a chance to reflect is all that's needed to resolve a conflict.
Hopefully her husband works on his comedy repertoire before their next dinner engagement.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.