The term baby-trap refers to a “situation where one partner in a relationship intentionally gets pregnant (or causes their partner to get pregnant) without the other’s full consent or knowledge, usually to secure the relationship, prevent a breakup, or gain control.”
Originally stemming from the men’s rights and alpha male online communities, directed solely as an insult directed at women, the term was expanded to include men who tamper with birth control to get their partner pregnant.
It’s not a nice thing to be accused of—and an even worse thing to actually do.
A wife and mother of three whose husband accused her of baby trapping him in front of their friends turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after going off on him.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Downtown_Roll_3760 asked:
“AITAH for embarrassing my husband for saying I baby trapped him?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“To put it bluntly, my husband and I had a surprise baby while we were young. I was on long-term birth control at the time (implant in arm) and had to have it removed after we found out I was pregnant.”
“Last week, we were out for dinner with friends, and he was making jokes and slipped in about how he thinks I baby-trapped him. No reason for it, nothing to back up this crazy accusation, never mentioned it before, but I guess drunk words are sober thoughts?”
“Our friends obviously looked a bit shocked and uncomfortable, especially when they saw my face.”
“I asked my husband what the heck he was on about. He was saying how it was weird that we’d been sleeping together for 4 years and then I randomly got pregnant.”
“I responded by asking him a flurry of questions like ‘oh, did I baby trap you for your money?’ He and his family were broke, mine is well off.”
“And ‘did I baby trap you for your house?’ We lived in one of my parents’ properties at the time. And ‘did I baby trap you for your cars?’ He didn’t have a license at that point.”
“He didn’t respond, and then our friends changed the subject. He’s been giving me basically the silent treatment ever since, only one-word answers, and only when I speak to him.”
“By the way, since having our 1st, we have been married for 3 years, bought a house—with my deposit—and had two more children. This completely caught me by surprise, but he really seems quite upset by this.”
“I know it was cruel to embarrass him, but a common phrase in my area is ‘don’t dish it out if you can’t take it’.”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added:Â
“We are 25, we have been together for 10 years, and married for 3. We had our first when we were 19.”
“Our relationship has been happy and healthy. I absolutely adore our family of 5, +2 fur babies, and we have supported each other through major life events over the past decade.”
“The friends we were with are relatively new ones and are obviously not going to know about our first child’s surprise conception.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong, even if she pulled no punches with intent to harm in her response, because his “joke” was extremely offensive.
“NTA. Maybe the correct response should have been, however, ‘pretty sure he tampered with my birth control’ so he could see just how absurd his allegations actually were.” ~ Organic-Willow2835
“Exactly. Like, he thinks making unfounded accusations about her trustworthiness at dinner is funny? He should love her, making the same kind of accusations as a joke then.”
“Except he can dish it out, but he can’t take it.” ~ linerva
“NTA. The fact that this ‘joke’ came out means he’s had the thought before, and enough that it slipped. From the info you provided, it sounds like his ego sorely misjudged who he thought he was.”
“Yes, he is probably embarrassed. But so were you. Sounds like he married up and still thinks that he was the prize.” ~ African_Americano
“This guy is going like ‘I’m not saying, but I’m just saying’ …and guys in the comments are trying to play it off as a light joke and claiming she overreacted and he’s the victim here.”
“He accused her of violating his consent, lying, manipulating, and extorting him. What part of that is funny?”
“Bet they wouldn’t be laughing if their own wives started casually accusing them of DV or SA in public ‘as a joke’.”
“It is not funny to joke about your partner abusing you. Unless you explicitly have the understanding that kind of dark humor flies in your relationship and friendship group.”
“Given that everyone was horrified, he clearly didn’t think that through.” ~ linerva
“Or he was trying to ruin her reputation. Abusers tend to isolate their victims. They haven’t been married for very long and with three kids in four years, he’s at the point where the mask tends to come off.”
“Dude probably thinks he’s got her trapped and is finally showing his true colors. I wouldn’t trust him after casually making such an accusation, especially with the psychological/emotional abuse that is the silent treatment.”
“He’s a POS just for how he talked about OP at the dinner, and he’s treating her in reaction to being called out on it.” ~ aPawMeowNyation
“Absolutely NTA. He tried to humiliate you in front of a group of friends, and you put him in his place. Now HE’S mad at YOU‽‽ That’s rich. Hubby can dish it out, but he can’t take it. What a turn off.” ~ SepiaToneHitchhiker
“You say: ‘Oh, it’s not yours!’.”
“And then in the stunned silence you add: ‘Sorry, I thought the game was to say the most hurtful untrue thing we could think of’.”
“F*ck that guy and NTA.” ~ SeaDazer
“NTA. ‘I know it was cruel to embarrass him…’—you stop that talk now, OP. He’s the one who—albeit drunkenly—opened his mouth and tried to trash your reputation and dignity among your friends.”
“Still, when the dust settles, I’d recommend marriage counseling. Absent an apology from him, the trust will need work to be repaired.” ~ ElemWiz
“Nothing wrong in being an a**hole for the right cause.”
“If he is still acting like a sooky la la, then call his a** out. Just say straight up, ‘You can drop the bullsh*t right now. You degraded me, I called you out on it. It’s finished unless you keep acting like this, then we will be finished! Got it? Now put your big boy pants on and start acting like a flamin adult!’.” ~ RelievingFart
“OP, he’s definitely feeling butthurt for you standing up for yourself and not just silently taking his ‘joking’ toxic-a** bullsh*t.”
“You have the opportunity to shut his juvenile silent treatment down by using direct communication. Tell him use his words & talk like an adult if he has a problem & let him know how insanely inappropriate his ‘joke’ was, that if he needs to talk about thoughts that are bothering him, a dinner with friends is neither the time nor the place, and how you won’t tolerate abusive language like that.”
“Everyone has walked away from a social situation at least once going ‘well that’s it, I need to fake my own death and start again under a fake name in a completely different country’, so I’m sure he’s not a total piece of sh*t to the core, but nudge him back toward humanity by reminding him how important it is to talk about sh*t.” ~ bubblegams
“NTAH he shouldn’t have embarrassed you by bringing all this up at dinner with your friends! Did he feel embarrassed with your truthful answers to his humiliating accusations‽‽”
“It took him years to build a life and trust, and in one night, he’s toppled all you thought about him. How are you supposed to move forward in your marriage when you just found out he doesn’t trust you?”
“That for years he’s been secretly doubting you and building resentment. Sounds like he was a loser then and still a loser now.” ~ ChallengeHoudini
“He feels trapped? Set him free. It doesn’t sound like he brings much usefulness to the relationship.” ~ ASOT-1
“He decided to be an a**hole in public, and you called him the eff out. Maybe he’ll learn not to parrot back toxic male bullcrap he read on the internet? NTA.” ~ angel9_writes
“NTA. His comment was loaded, offensive, and inappropriate. You’re absolutely right that drunk words are sober thoughts. Your response was perfect.”
“I once told a mother who called me a gold-digger, ‘If I’m digging gold on your deadbeat son, I need to turn in my shovel’. He’s being a pissbaby because you showed that he wasn’t the big man who could insult you to validate himself. Any other Tate-isms sneaking in?” ~ majzira
The OP added an update:
“I am 100% sure my husband doesn’t genuinely think I baby-trapped him. I think it was just a very poor joke where I was the punchline, and I opened my mouth before I had time to think.”
“I have apologised for embarrassing him with my response, and he has, of course, apologised for his inappropriate ‘joke’ and has clarified to our friends.”
“Thank you for your opinions, tips, and advice—it helped give some clarity and outside insight before having a proper discussion with him about the incident.”
Sometimes having a chance to reflect is all that’s needed to resolve a conflict.
Hopefully her husband works on his comedy repertoire before their next dinner engagement.