Tattoos continue to become more popular and more socially acceptable in western society.
They were once so taboo that European colonizers even forbade the Indigenous peoples they subjugated from continuing their millennia long tattoo traditions.
But now those colonizers’ descendants are getting tattooed by the millions. Approximately 30% of Europeans and 46% of Americans have at least one tattoo.
And women are more likely to have a tattoo than men in the United States.
A woman looking to add to her tattoo collection turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) scenario.
Atomiclightbulb asked:
“WIBTA if I get a tattoo my husband doesn’t approve of?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband (35,male) isn’t into tattoos. I (33, female) have a few tattoos already that I got before we met, nothing too big and both are related to friends.”
“My husband doesn’t really like tattoos in general, but has expressed that he doesn’t care that I have them either. I have been wanting a new tattoo for years, but never really knew what I wanted. Until recently.”
“I finally came up with a tattoo idea that I would enjoy having; an isopod crawling on my wrist. So tonight I reached out to an artist to set it up. But when I told my husband my plans, he got a bit upset with me over it and now I don’t know what to do.”
“Here is the context:”
“My husband has a bug hobby. Specifically isopods and millipedes.”
“Things have not been going well for him lately in that department. A lot of his bugs have not made it for various reasons and he can’t seem to get the situation under control.”
“He currently has a couple of isopod species that are doing well—one of which is the specific isopod species I was going to get tattooed. The reason he said he doesn’t want me to get the tattoo is because if these isopods end up dying, seeing one tattooed on me will remind him of his failures.”
“I was so excited about this because I thought it would be a cute tattoo that would remind me of him because we both share a love of this species and they’re very pretty and cute. But he shot me down so fast about it, I just left his room dejected, telling him I guess I would just cancel my inquiry with the artist. Now he’s locked himself in his room.”
“Part of me wants to argue with him and consider getting the tattoo anyway. But I’m not sure if this makes me an a**hole. I know how crushed he’s been with his other bugs dying and I do want to be sensitive about his feelings, but the species I was going to get is currently doing really well and showing no signs of failing, so I feel like his reaction is a bit over the top.”
“WIBTA if I went through with getting the tattoo?
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I want to get the tattoo even though it might hurt my husband’s feelings.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP would be the a**hole (YTA).
“YTA. you can do what you want because your body your choice. But…”
“Let’s reverse this scenario. You wrote a novel and shopped it around to over a dozen publishers and was rejected every single time. Your husband wants to support your writing and decides to get a tattoo of the title of your failed novel. Would you appreciate having that tattooed on his wrist so that you can see your failure every single day?” ~ Nanabanafofana
“YTA. You mentioned it to him, he told you in plain language it would upset him, and you’re still considering it. So you would intentionally and permanently modify your body in a way that you know will upset the person you’ve committed to spending the rest of life with.” ~ ExitTheHandbasket
“YTA, your body, your choice but I actually side with him. Dude doesn’t want a reminder of his failures which have lead to the deaths of his little buddies. Poor guy.” ~ ODB247
“This sounds less like control over your tattoos and more of a personal reason that involves representing his hobby, and something specific about the hobby that upsets him at this time, so for that, YWBTA.” ~ americanoyster
“YTA. To me this reads as you getting a tattoo of one of HIS hobbies. I would not like it if my spouse got a tattoo of something that I really enjoyed. It feels kind of like one upmanship.” ~ exploratorystory
The OP shared several updates, beginning with:
“Thank you everyone for your input. I did not expect such a quick response and that has been very helpful for me to navigate this problem. I will probably not get the tattoo, which I am sad about, but I don’t want to be the a**hole here.”
“I will discuss with my husband once he’s cooled down about it if he’s okay with me changing the species or if this is just totally off the table and I have to find a new idea for a tattoo. Your responses have helped me be able to approach this more pragmatically to prevent it causing any further tension, so thank you very much.”
The OP then added:
“My husband and I talked. I told him I didn’t want to upset him by getting the tattoo. He actually said he liked the idea and thought it was cute and told me I could get it if I wanted.”
“I explained that I didn’t want to get it if it made him uncomfortable or sad and that I was worried if I did and his bugs didn’t make it, it would be upsetting for him.”
“I asked him if he had any suggestions about other species he would think were cute (and also to try to make sure I don’t accidentally suggest one that he lost as I don’t know all of them and there were quite a few he’s had), but he said the one I chose was probably the best option for a tattoo in his opinion.”
“He even said if he had any interest in ever getting a tattoo himself, he’d be inclined to get the same. I’m definitely feeling a bit of whiplash on his emotions right now. I asked him to think on it a bit and we can talk about it again tomorrow just to be sure he’s 100% okay with it.”
OP later added:
“There are a couple of things I feel like I need to address.”
“1- isopods are not like cats and dogs. They breed, prolificly. So you start with a few and they have babies then they breed again and again and you eventually have a colony. His already have babies.”
“So it’s not like they are just doomed to die like normal pets. It’s almost an infinite pet in a way. We have plans to spread them into another vivarium in the house (which is my pride and joy, and will need to be ripped apart, but I am giving it to him to support him) so we will eventually have a second colony.”
“Yes, they could still die, but he’s learned a lot of lessons and personally I think it’s more supportive to assume that this time will work out rather than assuming it won’t?”
“2- I like isopods too, guys. Lol it’s not like I’m just hijacking his hobby to tattoo on me. This is a hobby we share, I have isopods of my own, and this is one of my favorite species. just this species is his flagship so it doubled as a little homage to him in my head.”
“The isopods are ember bee isopods.”
“My isopod vivarium is filled with oreo crumble isopods. I think they’re kinda boring for a tattoo (pale white and black) and too small anyway. Ember bees have very striking colors and since I’d be getting it on my wrist, I wanted to consider something that would be pretty.”
“Apparently this makes me an a**hole because it’s his isopods and I am being vain for wanting a pretty bug as a tattoo if it’s his. And I’m sure there will still be people who think I’m just justifying myself here and digging myself deeper into a**hole land, but after having the discussion with my husband last night I think maybe it’s a bit more nuanced than the down votes want it to be.”
Then OP shared:
“Final update since this got so much traction, husband came home from work and said he thought about it today and decided he really likes the tattoo idea and has no issues with it at all. He was very sincere about it, no pressure, no reservations.”
“To all of you who thought I was being a horrible wife—please remember that happy couples work out their issues with love and compassion for each other. We both had our reactions and that’s just part of being in a relationship sometimes.”
“You can’t always agree on stuff right away when emotions are a factor. I’m glad that I was able reflect and take his concerns into consideration with this post. I will not be responding any further to anyone. Peace and love everyone.”
It sounds like things have worked themselves out after OP showed consideration for her husband’s feelings instead of just going ahead with the tattoo.
Sometimes consideration is all that is needed.