Blended families are a beautiful thing, but like any family they come with complications.
Redditor Glittering-Excuse-99 struggles with her relationship with her stepson to the point that she turned to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for advice.
She asked,
“AITA for not letting my stepson come on holiday with us”
The Original Poster (OP) went on to explain her question to the subReddit.
“I [26-year-old female] and my partner [26-year-old male] have 3 kids between us, I have 2 daughters [9-year-old female,7-year-old female] and he has a son [12-year-old male].”
“My stepson used to stay with us at the weekends but as he has to share a room with my daughters, he has decided he doesn’t want to stay anymore (which is fair enough! He’s getting older and wants space, plus he is getting too old to share now).”
“I don’t have a problem with this AT ALL!”
“He needs to do what is is best for him and I’m not going to force him to come to my house all the time when he doesn’t want it but he also doesn’t want to spend any time here whatsoever.”
“He wants to spend all his time at his grandma’s.”
“Now we all went away last year, he had his own room and we had a relatively good time!”
“I was planning on booking a holiday for the end of this year but I told my partner that I wasn’t paying for SS [step son] to come with us as by the time we go, he would of [sic] spent zero time with the family and probably wouldn’t enjoy coming away with us for a week as he doesn’t enjoy being around my kids anymore and doesn’t really like me.”
“My partner threw a massive tantrum and said I was purposely leaving him out of stuff just to be spiteful but in reality, I’m the one who pays for everything, I.e., the holiday, clothes, food, activities etc when we are away, and I want to enjoy myself and let my kids enjoy it without SS moaning about being here in the first place (which he will and did the last time we went away) and I don’t want to pay for someone who doesn’t want to be here in the first place.”
“AITA? Should I just pay for him and get know with it? [sic]”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA.
“Yta. Your lifestyle excludes him.”
“Your spouse should be doing more so y’all can afford a new place where there is space for him.” – ezana_aksum
“YTA. Why do people marry step-monsters?”
“If you really wanted the kid to want to come round more you’d take him to try to [bond] with him.”
“If you own your home, you could save that money & turn your dining room or den into a room for him. You do SOMETHING other than making excuses for being a bad step-parent.” – duckalono
“YTA OP is the reason he doesn’t want to come around. She doesn’t sound very welcoming.”
“I feel bad for this kid. He probably has barely a relationship at the moment with his dad, and maybe the dad thought the vacation would be a chance to reconnect.”
“OP says SS doesn’t want to share a room. So instead of making an effort to create a space for him, she made it impossible for him to feel welcomed.”
“And news flash, the kid is almost a teenager. They get moody, add to that he probably knows you don’t like him and want him around, and his dad seems to [have] picked you and your daughters over him, yeah he’s going to be moody and want to avoid the three of you.”
“I hope at least the dad visits the kid on his own when he is with his grandmother” – Mmoct
“YTA, you may as well have just written,’I don’t like my step son so I’m going to continue to exclude him from family activities as much as I can’”
“He’s 12, not 18… Ask if he would like to go. If he says no, then fair enough. If he says yes, then suck it up, he’s still part of the family.” – TellmeTom2
“YTA. So your stepson shows up with no space he can call his own. He probably feels like an outsider based on your responses.” – Kaethorne
“YTA – you knew he had a child when you met him, so you must have known he would have to be part of your life.”
“I feel sorry for the lad. He probably feels he’s a bit of a spare part, given that he can’t even have his own space when he stays with you.”
“I wouldn’t want to stay there either. You should take him on holiday and allow him to spend some quality time with his father.” – Anniemarsh69
“ESH”
“First off, it’s really f*cked up to exclude your stepson because he doesn’t want to stay at your house… Due to not having his own room and being forced to share a room with a 9 and 7-year-old.”
“Second, the fact that you refer to your husband’s reaction to you excluding his son as a “tantrum” is also really f*cked up….”
“What’d you expect??? Him to just agree to exclude his kid from a FAMILY trip???”
“News flash. Your stepson doesn’t want to stay there because he’s just about to start going through changes and doesn’t have his own room…..”
“That’s a very big deal for a pre-teen kid. It’s likely that he doesn’t feel welcome in your house.”
“Not to mention that it’s borderline inappropriate for a nearly 13m to be sharing a room with a 9f and 7f……”
“As for dad… Why isn’t he helping pay for this family vacation? Does he have a job?? He’s the father.”
“This should be a 50/50 trip between the two of you. If he can’t afford that, he should at the very least be offering to cover the cost of his son going.” – SigSauerPower32
“You said it yourself. When he had his own room, you had a good time on holiday.”
“Pay for the room. He’s a teenager and is discovering new ideas of rebellion and independence.”
“That doesn’t mean you get to cut him out of family activities. Both he and your husband will resent you for it later. I think you already know YTA.” – Fantastic_Tailor_270
“YTA. He doesn’t spend time with your family because you don’t have a room for him.”
“As a step-parent it is wild to me that you didn’t even think to include him. If he doesn’t want to go then that’s totally fine, but to not even consider inviting him is crazy.” – Neat-Cardiologist442
“YTA, he is 12; of course it’s going to be uncomfortable sharing a room with 2 girls… I’m sure, give or take a year even your girls would be uncomfortable with this arrangement.”
“When u marry someone who has a kid u also take up being responsible for the kid cause u can’t separate the two.”
“If your husband is sh*t at saving, I think that where u should start …don’t take it out on a child for God’s sake” – BrainFriedHobbit
“YTA. You made home life uncomfortable and unpleasant for him.”
“No joke, he doesn’t want to share a room with your girls. Sounds like y’all didn’t do anything to make him comfortable there and made him feel like an outsider.”
“Yes, YTA all around. He’s a child and should be with his parent.” – herdingcats2020
“YTA! Just because the kid isn’t yours doesn’t make it ok to treat him like sh*t and not include him in family activities.”
“He is a kid; it’s not his fault his dad and real mother had him young or doesn’t want to live in a room with 2 pre-teen girls.” – Equivalent_Copy1273
“This is a trick question, right? I mean, did you read what you wrote? Obviously YTA!!”
“You treat him no different except that he is an ‘optional’ invite? To a FAMILY trip?”
“Also, I understand not having money and space being tight but get the kid his own space.”
“He shouldn’t have to leave HIS HOME because he is too old to be sharing a room with young girls.”
“Also, not sure how appropriate it is for him as a 12-year-old male sharing with 9 and 7 year old girls. Like you know that puberty exists, right? He is a preteen and all that that entails.” – Miserable_Airport_66
“Yta. You can’t afford to move because you don’t want to work, so you’d rather stay where you are.”
“Your husband can’t pay for anything, and It sounds like your priorities are messed up. Your kids are old enough that you can work now.”
“If your husband can’t save anything he makes then maybe you need to sit down and budget with him.”
“But the way you treat your stepson is unacceptable. He doesn’t have a safe place to unwind by himself.”
“He is a growing boy with a changing body, of course, he doesn’t want to share a room with little girls.”
“He’s going through puberty. You punishing him for that. It’s very clear you just don’t like the kid.” – Background-Plan4274
Hopefully, this family can learn to find love and respect for one another.
And perhaps create some space for the stepson so he doesn’t feel so excluded.