For many people, cooking is considered an art form.
Now a person doesn't have to be a master chef to make dinner for their family.
Cooking has been known to soothe people and bring loved ones together.
For another swath of people, cooking can be a nightmarish chore.
It can be anxiety-inducing and an all-around bad time.
Not everyone can cook, but most people know the basics.
Right?
Redditor Plastic_Voice_6229 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for agreeing with my mom that it's kind of pathetic my wife can't cook?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (28 M[ale]) have been married to my wife (31 F[emale]) for about a year."
"Overall, things are great, but one thing that's been bugging me is that my wife doesn't know how to cook—at all."
"I've always been the one to handle meals, which I was fine with in the beginning because I enjoy cooking."
"But over time, it's started to wear on me, especially when I come home after a long day at work and still have to cook dinner while she relaxes."
"She refuses to cook and claims there is nothing wrong with not being able to cook."
"It's been an ongoing issue between us."
"I have been trying to teach her, but she is really bad at it."
"We've had many conversations about this."
"The other night, my mom (56 F) came over for dinner."
"As usual, I was in the kitchen preparing everything, and my wife was sitting with my mom."
"At one point, my mom offered to help, and I asked if she could make the gravy or cut some fruit."
"My wife was standing around in the kitchen when my mom handed her a knife and asked her to cut some fruit while she handled the gravy."
"My wife couldn't figure out how to hold it properly and ended up making a mess."
"My mom watched her fail to cut the fruit and then blurted out, 'It's honestly kind of pathetic that you don't even know how to cut a piece of fruit at your age.'"
"She then went behind her and started to guide her on how to cut stuff like you do with a kid."
"My wife kinda shrugged and finished cutting her fruit with my mom guiding her."
"Then dinner happened, and I noticed my wife was not happy the whole night.
"My mom left, and she was pissed I didn't defend her."
"That I embarrassed her by letting it happen."
"We got into a bad argument, and I told her that it was pathetic that she could not even cut fruit."
"She is literally older than me and can't hold a knife properly."
"She told me that is not the point, and I needed to defend her, and it's not her fault she is bad at cooking."
"I point out it is, and she is embarrassed because not being able to hold a knife properly is embarrassing for an adult."
"My wife thinks I am a huge jerk."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Does she do the dishes/help clean up?"
"I don't think it really matters which partner does the cooking necessarily as long as the other is helping, and the standard deal that almost everyone seems to follow is that if one person cooks, the other person cleans up."
"In my house, my wife usually cooks and I usually clean, which is fine because she enjoys cooking and is good (I'm OK, I can cook but she's definitely better)."
"My mom and stepfather, though, are essentially the opposite... she got home from work late usually and isn't a great cook anyways, so he cooks, and she does the dishes."
"And yes, it is kinda pathetic that she can't even use a knife."
"Even if you aren't a good cook, you should at least be able to figure out how to hold a knife. That's just silly."
"NTA. She should be helping somehow. You're not her personal chef." ~ Tdluxon
"Did she have her mommy cut her food for her growing up?"
"How do you not know how to hold a knife?"
"This reminds me of my daughter when she was little."
"She couldn't cut her pancakes well, so she would pick them up and tear them apart before putting anything on them."
"I let her."
"She was doing it for herself."
"Mind you, she knew how to, she just wasn't good at it and didn't want to."
"I'm sorry to the OP, but she definitely sounds like she is using her 'uselessness' in the kitchen as a tool to not do something she doesn't WANT to do (like a child would)."
"You are NTA here."
"Your mom is NTA."
"Your wife, on the other hand, is being one by not at least trying or by helping clean up after dinner."
"You deserve to be able to relax as well. It's not a one-way street."
"My husband does his own laundry because he doesn't like the way I fold clothes."
"I do mine and he does his."
"We take turns doing sheets/bedding."
"I cook and he cleans up after dinner."
"He hasn't always, so maybe there is hope for your wife."
"I've been married 10 years, and he just started doing it on his own while I took our dog for a walk."
"Marriage is about compromise, but if she isn't willing to throw a frozen meal in the oven so you can relax sometimes too, then you may have a problem that will turn into an avalanche later down the road."
"Maybe suggest a date night to a cooking class or buy her lessons for her birthday... lol."
"I'm joking on the birthday part. That will cause another fight altogether."
"Good luck on having her realize how much of an issue this is & will cause though." ~ Frequent_Champion943
"I used to think it didn't matter which partner cooked and which did the dishes (I was the one who cooked, my ex refused to learn or try to learn)."
"Then we had kids."
"The mental load of meal planning and prep and managing all food decisions for a family of four for 18 years changed my mind."
"Cleanup is just cleanup; there's no mental labor involved; it's a discrete task that is done and over quickly."
"Meal planning and cooking is an ongoing grind, and the actual cooking is just the tip of a much bigger household labor iceberg, which includes managing leftovers and food storage, grocery planning (even if the other person shops), etc."
"Being the only cook in a household is WAY more taxing over the years than being the one who cleans up."
"I'm not saying it's why my ex is my ex, but it's a not small part of it."
"And--an adult should be able to cut a piece of fruit and do extremely basic tasks to feed herself."
"This sounds like some weaponized incompetence, and while I wouldn't say calling her 'pathetic' was the best choice of words, overall, NTA." ~ almondorchard
"I would agree."
"It's also the fact that constantly doing the same thing again and again gets draining as well."
"Sometimes you just want to come home from work and have food already available for you."
"Even if she did help with the cleaning up, I would honestly say she's still the AH purely for not trying to learn to cook and make it easier."
"If I was at home all day, I'd want my partner to come back home and not have to stress about what to eat or be hungry and need to spend an hour or so trying to cook up something good."
"Not being able to cut fruit as well? That's ridiculous!"
"Also, cooking isn't hard."
"There are easy recipes to do."
"If you follow a recipe, whatever you cook should come out at the very least decent and edible."
"Everyone can follow instructions." ~ Simple_Bathroom2119
"Many young people have no idea how to cook nowadays."
"However not knowing how to hold a knife, or how to cut a piece of fruit is another level of incompetence."
"It's kind of scary for an adult."
"In a perfect world, this would be an aha moment where she realizes it's time to learn how to be an adult. NTA." ~ imamakebaddecisions
"There's no excuse."
"My parents didn't teach me to cook."
"I learned it on my own."
"I'm Old so, pre-internet I watched cooking shows on TV and just kinda trial-and-error'ed it until I had success."
"Now there's YouTube where you can watch someone show you everything like how to hold your knife, dice an onion, sear a steak, or make a full-blown recipe."
"Preparing and cooking food is an essential skill."
"I'd put it up there with knowing how to wipe yourself after using the toilet and using a washing machine." ~ fakesaucisse
"NTA. These comments are wild."
"Every adult should know basic cooking skills in order to feed themselves, such as using a knife safely to cut fruit."
"She had this coming to her one way or another, honestly." ~ thehellcat
"NTA. Your wife should at least know how to cut fruit and some basic dishes."
"She seems lazy by not even trying or asking how to go about things if she really doesn't know."
"I understand your frustration and your mom's as well, but maybe you should try to have an honest conversation about it (again)."
"There's clearly an imbalance and that shouldn't be the case." ~ wombatlikesgrass
"If this was a 31-year-old dude who couldn't even slice fruit, more people would be calling this for what it is: weaponized incompetence."
"Because she knows how to cut up food."
"She knows how to hold a knife."
"She uses one to cut up food on her own plate probably every day. NTA." ~ airazaneo
"NTA, one thing not to cook, but she can't even cut fruit/ help you prep, etc??!"
"That is pathetic."
"This applies to all genders." ~ WrongCase7532
"NTA. BUT Cooking is a learned skill."
"Some people learn as children, I didn't."
"I didn't learn to cook until I was in my 30s. Now I really enjoy it, but I only learned because circumstances forced me to learn."
"When you don't know where to start, it's overwhelming."
"Start by teaching her very basic cooking skills like scrambled eggs, and different chopping and dicing techniques."
"She should be able to learn to cook one meal to give you a night off, even if it's picking up a rotisserie chicken and mixing up a salad." ~ WillaLane
"NTA, weaponized incompetence goes both ways." ~ SnooRadishes8848
OP came back with an Update...
"I can not keep up, over 2000 comments and I have things to do."
"If you need any more questions, they may already have been answered in a previous comment."
"I definitely think this is weaponized incompetence. I will suggest marriage counseling and cooking classes."
"If things don't change I will be out."
"I will make this very clear."
"Also for those asking, it was strawberries."
"She was smushing them and cutting them with the stems still on."
Well, OP, it sounds like you have a solid plan.
Reddit is pretty aligned with your thoughts and actions.
Unfortunately, this escalated in such a way. It's good to hear you're pushing for therapy.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp