Nothing tears a family apart quite as efficiently as planning a wedding. For one woman on Reddit, it was her brother asking her boyfriend to be in his wedding, but not her.
So, she decided she wouldn’t attend. But she wasn’t sure if that was the right decision, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by LegitimateMilk2515 on the site, asked:
“AITA for not going to my brothers wedding?”
“hi all. i’m a 21 y/o female and i’m not going to my brothers wedding and i need you all to tell me if i’m the a**hole for it. (my brother is 24)”
“for some backstory, i struggle with my mental health. severe anxiety, severe depression, covid-19 made that so much worse. my brother moved out of home back in 2019 and we used to be really close until he moved out, but i was also close with his now fiancée.”
“they both used to text me constantly, ask me how i was doing etc etc, we used to call and even hang out, but then lockdown hit and we could only facetime/call each other. i was one of the first people told that he was proposing to her, he sent me the ring before he showed anyone else and told them, we were really close. i was also really close to his fiancée.”
“they got engaged, and the texts slowly faded from her side, she would only text me once a month, maybe twice, i thought ‘oh, okay, planning a wedding, gonna be busy’ and then one day the texts just stopped. i kept texting, i got no response.”
“come around to a year before their wedding, all of the bridesmaids are announced, and.. i’m not one of them. okay, cool, it’s their wedding, they can do what they want, i’m genuinely not arsed.”
“groomsmen are announced, and.. my boyfriend is a groomsman?? which is odd, because as far as i’m concerned, my boyfriend and my brother have never had a one on one conversation in the entirety that i have been with him (6 years almost 7).”
“me and my brother had a huge argument about the way he’s treated me recently, no texts no calls, not being involved in the wedding whereas my partner is?? and my brother blamed it on my mental health. okay, fair one, it’s a bit of a shi*ter but i can’t help it, i just work around it.”
“i recently got a new job after being laid off due to covid, i’m really proud of myself and i wanted to tell my brother, he literally didn’t even say ‘i’m proud of you.’ he just said ‘cool’, that sucked but moving on👌🏼.”
“i don’t want to go to this wedding. i don’t want my partner standing up there in a tie that won’t match my dress. i don’t want my partner having photos taken with bridesmaids all matching when i won’t be.”
“i don’t want to sit in a church watching my brother get married and pretend to be happy about it when all he has done for the past year is belittle me and belittle my mental health and use that as a weapon against me.”
“throughout all of this, my boyfriend was hospitalised and almost died twice (he’s fine now thank god) neither of them reached out to either of us to see if he was okay. his fiancée hasn’t texted me at all, hasn’t replied to any of my texts or picked up my calls.”
“AITA? i probably am, but i’m just genuinely really hurt.”
OP came back to add a bit more info.
“EDIT: my boyfriend hasn’t accepted the info of being a groomsman, he’s basing it on how i feel because he isn’t close to my brother at all and even he thinks it’s weird that he was asked. now i have this new job i COULD afford anything they needed to (the wedding is in a year)”
Redditors were then asked to evaluate who is in the wrong in this conflict based on the following categories:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
And most people felt that everyone was wrong in one way or another.
“I have no judgement because this is bizarre.”
“My suggestion is to tell your boyfriend to decline the groomsman ask, go to the wedding, get some free food, show face, leave early and let it be for now.”
“It’ll all come to a head eventually but if you try to take a stance right now you will look like the AH and probably won’t be able to rationalize it to your family.” —neverathought
“I’m with you. Skipping the wedding completely is petty AF.”
“OP: TALK TO YOUR BROTHER. let him know that you are disappointed that you weren’t included in the bridal party and that your boyfriend is coming as your plus one, but not his groomsman.” —DagnytheSpencer
“ESH. This wedding isn’t about you but it is truly bizarre that they would include your boyfriend in the wedding party and not you.”
“I would go to the wedding but ask your boyfriend to just be guest and realize that you can no longer rely on your brother for emotional support. I would also ask your brother to stop letting your mother come between the two of you.” —KittensNCheeze4Life
After getting her fellow Redditors’ feedback, OP came back for another update.
“EDIT x2: thank you all for the comments, i should’ve added more backstory, i guess. here’s more, you change change your opinions if you want-“
“my parents were going though a lot last year, they were so close to divorcing which is why my brother and i were a lot closer. during the lockdown, i was my mothers confidant, she came to me with every problem about my dad and put a lot of nasty opinions in my head about him, she had no outlet so she used me, and my brother didn’t think that was cool, he was concerned about my mental health which is why we’re were texting a lot more.”
“i was not aware that my mother was also using my brother as a confidant and when things healed up with my dad, i was still left with alot of trauma and unresolved feelings, hence the diagnosis with depression and anxiety, which in turn was a catalyst for a lot of problems with my mother. we used to argue constantly and she would text my brother (who is the GC) and like she did with me and my dad, she swayed opinions.”
“i’m not using this to justify anything at all, i am aware of how mental health affects other people and not just the person with the actual mental health issue, i am just putting this as more history as to why mine and my brothers relationship could’ve become estranged.”
“it’s not just about the texting or anything, it’s about the way he makes me feel. he constantly belittles me in front of the family despite knowing how much i struggle, and honestly me wondering whether i should go to the wedding is just an accumulation of everything he’s ever said and done to me over the past year, i’m just tired of being belittled by someone who is supposed to love me.”
“my brother asking my boyfriend to be a groomsman was not an olive branch, it was a deliberate dig from both him and his fiancée, knowing that i felt upset about not being told something i already assumed (because we had had a conversation prior to him asking my boyfriend about the entire thing and he was super nasty about it)”
“idk if any of this makes sense, but i’m coming to the conclusion that IATA, and i’m just gonna suck it up and go”
Hopefully this family can put their differences aside and enjoy the wedding.