People really have to start learning how to land what they think is a compliment.
Culturally we are in a relearning.
And now is the time to take note and realize, sometimes you’re going overboard.
And your compliment may just be objectification.
Case in point…
Redditor football_cj55 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my girlfriend that her and her friends need to stop fetishizing my daughter?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (M[ale] 33) have a daughter (F[emale] 15) my daughter is biracial I’m white her mom is black.”
“My daughter has faced 2 types of things over the years, racism or people fetishizing her because she’s biracial and look ‘exotic.'”
“We have always made fun of the people who do that.”
“I have been dating this woman we’ll call K for about 4 months.”
“I have recently realized she’s kinda obsessed with my daughter being biracial.”
“Constantly complimenting her, like her skin, eyes, hair.”
“When we first started dating I showed K a picture of my daughter and she complimented her which I thought was better than acting weird that she’s biracial.”
“Yesterday K, my daughter, and I were at Target.”
“She’s saw 2 of her friends and I have met them, but they never met my daughter.”
“K introduced my daughter, my daughter said hi and they started going on about how beautiful she is.”
“And how beautiful mixed babies are, K was agreeing with them.”
“I could tell it was making my daughter uncomfortable.”
“After a good 15 minutes of them gushing I got her to move on.”
“My daughter whispered to me that was… uncomfortable.”
“Once we got away from her friends I asked K why she had to do that.”
“She asked what, I told her my daughter and I don’t appreciate her getting fetishized.”
“She said she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.”
“I told K she keeps gushing about my daughter based on the fact that she’s biracial and ‘exotic’ looking.”
“And that I don’t think it’s right that women are obsessed with biracial kids.”
“She looked mad and called me an AH and it’s perfectly acceptable to like how Biracial kids look.”
“I just get weird vibes whenever people fetishize biracial people/kids.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA. Your daughter clearly said she was uncomfortable with their behavior.”
“K needs to chill.”
“Regardless of her and her friend’s intention, if they’re making someone uncomfortable, they need to stop.” ~ funt1222
“As a biracial kid – OP is TA for letting this woman around his daughter.”
“It’s uncomfortable and makes me feel icky when people comment on how ‘cute mixed babies’ are.”
“A lot of biracial people feel ostracized from both communities.”
“And people constantly pointing it out and stereotyping them only reinforces identity issues.”
“Tell your gf OP to stop or the next comment will end with a break up.” ~ Independent_Big3345
“NTA. It is pretty odd especially since she doesn’t know K and you’ve only dated for 4 months.”
“May want to evaluate that relationship especially if she doesn’t respect your boundaries.” ~ Thediciplematt
“NTA. S**t like this is super weird.”
“My daughter, 2, has bright red hair and bright blue eyes like her mom.”
“People comment about it all the time in public, and it’s super weird.”
“Your daughter was uncomfortable. End of story.”
“K will either respect that or she won’t.”
“If she doesn’t, choose your daughter and cut K loose, or she will continue to make your daughter uncomfortable like this.” ~ mightKMSwhoknows
“I have red hair and blue eyes (as does my brother and 3 of my kids)… but my mom is blond.”
“When I was a baby, some random woman came up to her screaming at her ‘how dare she dye that child’s hair!!'”
“1- none of her business, and. 2- my hair was totally natural.”
“When my eldest was an infant, I was walking down the street with her in my front carrier.”
“A random person stopped me and told me that redheads were ‘going extinct.'”
“My reply was ‘not if I can help it.'”
“People are dumb and say weird things.”
“Mostly we ignore it or tell them to mind their own business.”
“But in the case of the OP and his daughter, the comments are specifically race based.”
“It would be uncomfortable enough for a group of random women to corner a child to tell her (for 15 minutes!) now beautiful she is.”
“But to go on and on about how her beauty is due to being mixed race is just icky.”
“The child is physically beautiful because of how her genes mixed and presented.”
“Which is true of any attractive person, regardless of the race(s) of their parents.”
“But the focus on crediting her races is fetishizing and weird.”
“OP- you’re NTA. Way to stand up for your kid.”
“If K refuses to understand this, break up with her.”
“You’re only 4 months in and your kid comes first.” ~ EconomyVoice7358
“NTA but you might be if you don’t break up with your racist girlfriend.”
“I’m white and even I know the fetishization of mixed race kids is a huge problem.”
“It’s dehumanizing. She’s a person, not a prized poodle to fawn over.”
“If your girlfriend can’t understand why what she’s doing is a problem, it’s time to let her go, for your daughter’s sake if not your own.” ~ TinyDragonBean
“NTA. If it makes the two of you uncomfortable, that should be all that needs to be said.”
“If she won’t respect your feelings, then she doesn’t respect you.” ~ letsdoitforthememes
“NTA. Your daughter is lucky to have a father who stands up for her.”
“I’m sorry that your daughter has to deal with this.”
“I think you have to have a talk with K about her behavior.”
“She may not see it the same way you do, but she needs to be informed and change her behavior.”
“If she doesn’t, it’s probably time to consider a new gf.” ~ Cultural_Plankton_74
“YTA if you continue to let this woman around your kid.”
“I’m biracial and my parents shielded me from anyone, including family, who did things like your gf does.”
“It can cause trauma, particularly with identity.”
“Please protect your daughter better.” ~ SoleLight
“You are NTA for explaining the situation to your girlfriend but you WILL be The A**hole if you don’t dump her after this.”
“She does not believe she did anything wrong.”
“You can waste time arguing with someone who doesn’t care about harming your daughter.”
“Or you can show your daughter that you have her back and no relationship (especially 4 month one) is more important than her comfort/feelings/concerns/safety.”
“Choose wisely.” ~ CuteGold3
“NTA, it’s freaking weird that adults make such a big deal about how attractive any child or or will be.”
“As a cute kid you just gotta stand there while they all dote and say nothing and just feel uncomfortable.”
“It’s a weird situation compounded by the fact that she’s biracial.”
“There are people out there who get it, but I can see ignorant women really missing the point and I don’t necessarily blame them.”
“It takes more pointed effort I think to be in the know about why it’s a weird thing so I don’t feel too negatively about your girlfriend either.”
“But lay some boundaries for your daughter and call it a day!” ~ GlassicalCoins
“Hi biracial woman here and let me tell you, it IS creepy and it IS weird and you are absolutely NTA.”
“I’ve dealt with this my entire life, and it started quite young.”
“I can remember being five and people stopping my parents in the grocery store to comment on my looks.”
“Or touch me or say things about how ‘when [I’m] older my dad’s going to have to chase boys away with a stick.’ At five!!”
“Your daughter feeling uncomfortable is perfectly reasonable.”
“And good on you for recognizing it for what it is and addressing it.” ~ seraphinethomas
“NTA. What K and her friends did to your daughter is a form of micro aggression many biracial and P[eople] O[f] C[olor] face.”
“Being reduced to and having their physical attributes exoticized.”
“K may not realize that she is doing this and she may think that she and her friends are the only people to have done this to your daughter.”
“However, I’m sure you and your daughter have dozens of stories of people saying the exact same thing and using the exact same words.”
“The reason this is a micro aggression and not simply being complimentary is because it makes the subject extremely uncomfortable.”
“And it is tiring to hear the same crap over and over.”
“As well as being entirely based on their race, or being something other than white.”
“If you and K are to stay together in the long term, she needs to understand that sometimes biracial and POC have experiences that she may think are normal and everyday.”
“But for them are uncomfortable, hostile or downright racist.” ~ Qariss5902
Sounds like you did good OP.
Hopefully you can get K to understand where you and your daughter are coming from.
It’s all about the relearn.
Good luck.