Content Warning: Cheating, Affairs, Divorce, Discussions of Domestic Abuse
There’s a hard truth we all need to learn and put into practice much sooner than most of us do: It doesn’t matter how much you agree or disagree with someone if you never communicate with them.
Communication is key.
But a lot of people avoid it because it can be uncomfortable and can uncover some terrible truths, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Bubbly-Buyer-7927 was opening up to her boyfriend about her family history and her parent’s divorce when the couple decided to discuss divorce and cheating, which was what led to her parents’ breakup.
When she realized how flippant her boyfriend was about the possibility of cheating, the Original Poster (OP) suddenly realized this wasn’t the type of person she wanted to date.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for breaking up with my boyfriend after eight months after hearing his views on divorce?”
The OP was enjoying her relationship with her boyfriend.
“I (26 Female) have been with my boyfriend (28 Male) for eight months.”
“He’s been the perfect boyfriend. He’s sweet and caring, he always shows up for me, and he’s great in bed.”
“Obviously, as we all do, he does have some flaws, but they aren’t anything you’d break up with someone over.”
The OP started opening up with her boyfriend more about her childhood.
“A week ago, we were at his place, and we were in bed, talking about our childhoods.”
“My father cheated on my mother and got his affair partner pregnant. He then married the affair partner shortly after his divorce from my mother was finalized.”
“However, their marriage has been awful. He’s cheated on her multiple times throughout their marriage of over two decades, and he hasn’t bothered to hide it. He’s rude to her and completely disrespects her.”
“They both work to pay the bills, but she does all the cleaning and cooking. The most he’ll do is grill maybe once or twice during the summer and brag about it to everyone for the rest of the year. Long story short, my dad is a piece of s**t.”
“His affair partner doesn’t believe in divorce as it is heavily against her religion, so she stays with him despite despising him. While she did participate in the wreckage of my parents’ marriage, my father was a piece of s**t to my mother, too, and he probably would have cheated on her with someone else if the affair partner didn’t come along.”
“Also, the affair partner was much younger than my dad and was pressured to pursue him by her parents. It’s also been over twenty years. She’s still not the best person, but I don’t think she deserves to be tied to that man for the rest of her life.”
Then, their conversation took a surprising turn.
“I told my boyfriend about my ‘childhood lore’ and how I felt about it.”
“He then asked me if I would divorce someone who cheated on me.”
“I looked him sternly in the eye and answered yes.”
“He seemed shocked, and it threw me off. Two questions quickly entered my head: Why, after hearing my whole story, would you think I would condone cheating? And why does it seem like you don’t think cheating is a big deal?”
“So I asked him why he was shocked, and he then said that when you love someone enough, you should be able to forgive him for cheating.”
“I retorted by saying that if someone genuinely loves you, they wouldn’t cheat on you. I am firm in that belief. Cheating is vile, and anyone who cheats on you doesn’t care about you.”
“He didn’t agree with that. He sometimes thinks ‘things happen,’ and after he said that, we just stared at each other silently for a while.”
The OP realized her boyfriend might not be the right kind of guy for her.
“We didn’t really talk about it for the rest of the night and just laid in bed, but the entire time, I was rethinking our relationship.”
“In my head, his response means he’s either cheating on me or is going to cheat on me.”
“A small part of me felt like I was overreacting, but his reaction and what he said is something I can’t get over. I could feel the feelings I had for him fading the more I thought about it.”
“The next morning, before we left for work, I broke up with him. Maybe I should have waited for a better time, but I wanted to leave that relationship as soon as possible.”
The breakup turned ugly.
“I can’t give much detail about our breakup because it got really personal, and I honestly blanked for most of it. He was screaming a lot, and I was dissociating, which honestly made him even more angry.”
“Once again, I had already decided we were done, so I just didn’t want to be there.”
“Now it’s been a week, and he keeps making new phone numbers on different apps to message me.”
“No one else has gotten involved because we’re both the type of people who don’t share our personal lives.”
“The way he’s spamming my phone and making different numbers does make me realize that he was definitely crazy.”
The OP was buckling under the pressure.
“However, I’m wondering if I was the jerk for breaking up with him.”
“Not factoring in his reaction to the breakup, did he have a point? I’ve heard of marriages that worked out after one party cheated, so I wonder if maybe my father caused me to have harsh views on the topic.”
“Do you guys think what he said about divorce was grounds for breaking up? Do you think it was a red flag?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she could break up with someone for any reason, but especially for moral reasons like this.
“Hon, you can break up with someone for literally any reason. You don’t need the internet to validate your decision. And the person you’re breaking up with doesn’t need to agree with your decision.”
“You can break up because you don’t like his socks or the way he drinks his coffee or because he’s just told you he’d be an absolute a**hole during a divorce proceeding that you’d initiated because he cheated on you.”
“You’ve done nothing wrong, and it honestly makes me so sad that women constantly think they’re in the wrong because their a**hole ex yelled at them.” – Soniq268
“It doesn’t sound like you broke up with him because of how he felt about divorce, but because you think he’s going to cheat on you now. Either way, NTA. The way he’s acting now is a big enough red flag.” – S**tsuri
“This guy’s reaction was the reaction of someone who has already cheated on OP or at least has cheated on his previous partners.”
“What’s just as bad is that he feels entitled to do so.”
“How much do you want to bet if she asked him if he would break up with her if she cheated on him, he would say yes and say it’s ‘different’ and that ‘men have different needs’?” – vibrant_algorithms
“NTA. But when I try to make my partner see my side of things, I always ask him the other way around to see if he can get my point.”
“I would have asked him, ‘So you would forgive me if I cheated on you? You would still be with me if I cheated on you multiple times?’ That question will give you more perspective if he’s going to cheat on you or if he thinks cheating is not a personal biggie even if it was done to him.”
“But no matter how this conversation went, you have the right to protect yourself if you no longer trust him and feel safe.” – Cassie-Advisor-1803
“There’s a lot more here, but this is the part that I’m commenting on: ‘So I asked him why he was shocked, and he then said that when you love someone enough, you should be able to forgive him for cheating. He thinks sometimes ‘things happen.'”
“This is absolutely enough to bounce and never look back. Disrespectfully, f**k this guy. I wouldn’t be able to continue in a relationship knowing he doesn’t see anything truly wrong with breaking basic relationship boundaries.”
“NTA.” – winterharb0r
“NTA. At the core of all of this is a fundamental difference in ideology. He is ok with cheating. You’re not. This is akin to one partner being frugal while the other spends without thought.”
“It’s great that you broke up with him, even if he didn’t cheat, because he had some toxic ideas about relationships. I would not want to be with someone so unrealistic.” – canyousteeraship
Others were relieved the OP left, based on the boyfriend’s reaction to the breakup.
“OP, I need you to listen: even if his views on cheating didn’t directly oppose yours, which is in itself a perfectly good reason to end a relationship, the way you described his behavior during the morning conversation is the biggest red flag. Personally, I think that’s the real reason for breaking up.”
“A person who is incapable or unwilling to have a reasonable dialogue and instead resorts to yelling, manipulating, deflecting, etc., and has the audacity to call you ‘heartless’ for not taking his rage bait IS NOT A SAFE PERSON TO BE AROUND.”
“Also, even if his messages seem harmless, it’s harassment. If he doesn’t stop, report him to the police. Be safe, always.” – flooferine
“Thank god you got out when you did. That convo and the resulting mess was a parade of red flags. That man is a whole carnival, all by himself, at this point.”
“NTA.” – brelywi
“The conversation and the next morning showed how he sees his behavior. Sometimes a thunderstorm happens. Cheating, screaming, maybe hitting, or worse, according to him, happen. He doesn’t see it as his fault, it just happens to him.”
“Total lack of accountability.” – Spanks79
“NTA.”
“Honestly, count yourself lucky that his feelings on this came out as early as they did. You definitely dodged a massive bullet here.”
“Though I would suggest contacting your local authorities and reporting his harassment. Even if it doesn’t go beyond the messaging, and calling, it’s better to have that on file just in case it escalates.” – Careless_League_9494
“OP, be careful. He can’t take and respect your decision. That’s scary.”
“Keep a record of what’s going on and report to local law enforcement; ask for info on domestic violence support. Do you have someone who can help figure out how to secure your place with a Ring or other door cameras, good security for the windows, and new locks if he had a key or access to a key? Work on that immediately.”
“Also protect yourself financially. Lock your credit to prevent new cards from being opened in your name, create SS and IRS online accounts to prevent someone else from making fraudulent accounts and causing trouble, change financial passwords, and get new cards for anything he might have had the ability to record numbers. Also, read up on how to secure your smartphone.”
“A guy who screams at you until you dissociate and creates new numbers to spam you with texts is a bit off the rails, and there’s no telling where he’ll stop. The financial stuff might not be necessary, but is good practice in any event.” – Constant_Host_3212
After receiving feedback, the OP seemed comfortable with her decision.
“I just wanted to touch on some things I saw in the comments.”
“His reaction rubbed me the wrong way, because of how he phrased it. I wouldn’t break up with someone who had different views on forgiving a cheater. If he had told me that he could see himself forgiving someone for cheating, then I would have felt differently.”
“The way he phrased it, his body language, and his voice all made it seem like he was excusing his cheating or his possible cheating.”
The OP shared more about how the breakup argument went.
“When I approached him the morning before we left, it was towards the end of breakfast. Whenever we stayed at each other’s apartments (no, I do not live with him), we would have breakfast together and either one of us or both of us would leave for work after.”
“I didn’t start the conversation by announcing that I’m breaking up with him. I began by explaining that I wanted to revisit our conversation from the night before and said that his reaction to the telling of my family’s history made me uncomfortable, and it made me doubt his loyalty.”
“While I had already decided that I wanted to break up with him if he had a positive reaction to me expressing my concerns, I would have tried to hear him out.”
“His first reaction was to say that I was projecting my family’s past onto him. I said that if he truly felt that way, then we could revisit that topic later, but at that moment, I wanted to focus on his reaction to what I said because I needed him to clarify the intent behind it. He completely avoided the topic.”
“The entire time, he just kept talking about how good of a boyfriend he was and made me feel like because I wasn’t portraying my emotions in the way he was, that I never truly cared about him at all. It honestly just felt like he was gaslighting me, and he was screaming so loud, so eventually I just zoned out.”
“I didn’t leave as soon as he started to scream, because at first I wanted to try to hear him out, and then eventually I just felt like me storming out would make him angrier and I felt like I shouldn’t do that.”
The OP made an important discernment about why she had broken up with him.
“In saying all of that, I think that if his views on cheating were that he would be willing to forgive someone who cheated, then he would have taken a moment to specify that when I asked why he was shocked by my reaction to what he said, and when I approached him about the topic in the morning.”
“I do acknowledge the fact that I am not perfect in this situation, though, and I am not claiming to be. I probably should have waited a bit to have this discussion.”
The OP also took some of the safety precautions introduced in the subReddit to the heart.
“I appreciate everyone who is concerned for my safety.”
“I do have cameras inside my apartment and outside the door. I don’t know what they’re called, but I have extra things on my door to make it harder to break in.”
“My schedule is pretty consistent, however, so that is something I will keep in mind.”
“This might be stupid, but I don’t know if I should take this to the police. He hasn’t sent anything threatening, just a bunch of stuff apologizing and then asking to talk and some other stuff about me being ‘heartless,’ because once again, I just didn’t have a huge reaction to him screaming at me.”
“Also, I am in therapy. I think it’s a great tool. I’m a big advocate, and I think it’s strongly warranted in a moment like this.”
The OP then shared more information about her family’s history with the subReddit.
“Now here’s some background on my stepmom. She’s Jehovah’s Witnesses. She doesn’t have friends outside of her religion or family.”
“As far as I know, if she were to divorce my father, she would be excommunicated. Adultery isn’t tolerated, but neither is divorce. I was raised mainly with my mom (Southern Baptist), and while I did have to go to the Hall with my dad a couple of times, I’m not familiar with the religion. Her reasons for not leaving my father are all word of mouth from my older sister who has a better relationship with her.”
“My stepmom is not a good person. She has not been good to me, my siblings, my mother, or my dad’s family. However, I do not hold any anger or resentment towards her. I think she was a young woman who had a lot of bad influence from her family, and corrupt people in her religion, and was also taken advantage of by my father.”
“I don’t hate her, I pity her. I’m not really saying people shouldn’t be angry at her. I understand why people would not feel any pity for her. Just know that I made my peace with what happened when I was a kid and while it will probably never happen, I hope one day either she leaves him or he leaves her so that toxic marriage comes to an end.”
“Her family was struggling financially, while at the time, my family would have been considered middle class. From what I know, my father was around her as she grew up. She always liked him and her family always wanted her to end up with him, but he married my mother.”
“They continued their friendship during my parent’s marriage, and eventually, that evolved into them dating and announcing that she was his ‘wife’ and my mother was the ‘nanny.’ My mom found out about the affair after first being addressed as the nanny by her own children.”
“After reading a lot of comments on here now, I am beginning to question if her reason for not divorcing him is due to religious purposes. Or maybe she’s worried that if she outs my father for infidelity, then he’ll put her as his former mistress. Who knows.”
“He’ll probably end up leaving one day because all he talks about is escaping into the woods, building a cabin, and ‘being alone.’ But he also doesn’t cook or clean for himself so he’s dependent on her. They’ll probably just end up miserable forever.”
“I don’t want to end up miserable like that, not for this guy or anyone else.”
While the subReddit applauded the OP for honoring her morals, ending the relationship, and creating a safe distance from her ex, they urged her to take safety precautions, based on his reaction to the breakup.
It seems if the guy had truly cared about her and wanted to commit to her, they could have had an in-depth conversation about cheating and whether or not it was forgivable, all without yelling.