Pablo Picasso once famously quipped: "Bad artists copy. Good artists steal."
True as that may be, it's still never a good feeling to see someone take credit for work that you had done... or an idea that was yours.
Of course, stealing another person's work or idea could permanently affect your relationship with that individual, if not get you in legal trouble.
Some of these victims of petty theft choose instead to take the high road and move on with their lives.
Upon learning that her sister-in-law (SIL) stole an idea that she had made well-known to her entire family, Redditor Beautiful-Ad4218 decided to shift gears and come up with a new idea.
While the original poster (OP) felt that this matter was settled, her SIL felt the opposite, claiming that her change of mind put her at odds with her whole family.
Wondering if this was, indeed, the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for deciding not to use my favorite girl name for my daughter like I always wanted because my husbands sister decided to use it for hers?"
The OP explained how her decision to give her daughter a different name than she had originally planned ended up causing tension in her relationship with her SIL:
"My husband and I (30 M[ale] & F[emale]) welcomed our second baby into the world a few weeks ago."
"We had originally planned to give her a name that I have adored since childhood."
"But then my husband's sister had a baby girl, and she decided to give her daughter this name."
"It came from nowhere because she always preferred timeless names like Elizabeth, Emily, Emma, Katherine, and so on."
"The name she ended up going for/my favorite girl name is Seraphina."
"A lot of people knew it was my favorite, and it was our girl's name."
"When I was expecting our son, we had mentioned it would be our girl's name."
"Even before having kids, friends and family knew that was the name I adored."
"But I was never fond of family members sharing the same first name. I know it happens."
"I know it's not the end of the world."
"Nobody owns a name."
"I also know that in some families, it is very common for relatives to have the same first name."
"But I personally don't love it."
"So after SIL had her baby, we came up with another name for our daughter."
"My ILs had been surprised when SIL had her daughter and announced the name."
"Most people had expected her daughter to be Emily because she talked about that name a lot."
"Seraphina came from nowhere with her."
"When we announced our daughter's name, the actual name, after she was born, we did get asked why we had chosen not to use Seraphina, and my husband told them we had decided to go with something else during the pregnancy because we felt it was for the best."
"No specific reason given, at least not that he brought up around me."
"But his mom and his other sister and one of his brothers did make comments to SIL about it being her fault."
"They said it was pretty clear our change came because she used the name we intended to use."
"SIL ended up fighting with her mom because it was always clear I was never SILs favorite person and she accused her of doing it spitefully."
"This has come back around to me because SIL has now come for me, saying I should have used the name too, I shouldn't have let her get blamed for stealing a name when nobody can steal a name."
"I told her I never accused her of anything like that."
"She told me I didn't need to because the name Seraphina was something everyone knew for years that I loved and then all of a sudden I finally have a girl and use a different name."
"And it happens just after she also decides to use the name for her daughter."
"I told her we're entitled to change our minds just like she is."
"I also told her I don't have to answer to her."
"She told me I created drama for no reason, and there is no way the change idea came from her brother, that it was clearly me who got butt hurt over it."
"She told me to get over it, and there could have been two Seraphinas."
"She also accidentally admitted she had been waiting for me to confront her on the name."
"She caught herself before finishing and just went on about how I had changed the name to stir sh*t and make her family turn on her."
"She also accused me of using the girls as pawns in this whole thing."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for giving her daughter a different name than she had previously announced.
Everyone agreed that based on her behavior, the OP's SIL clearly only named her daughter Seraphina to provoke the OP and that the only person who was guilty of any of the OP's SIL's accusations was the OP's SIL:
"NTA she is a little cray cray."- Lia_Delphine
"NTA."
"She probably only knew of Seraphina after hearing you mentioned it."
"So she's TAH."- StnMtn_
"NTA."
"Don't get involved with this SIL."
"She wants to have a fight."
"Don't give it to her."
"Either don't answer or just nod."
"Don't engage in any of her bs."
"Good luck."- adiah54
"NTA."
"You are a peacemaker."
"She is a sh*t-stirrer and is stuck with a baby name that she picked out of spite."
"Everyone knows this."
"People make a big deal out of picking baby names, but babies grow into adults and will love or dislike their name based on their own preferences."
"I suspect that your child will be satisfied with her name, but poor baby Seraphina will always feel something is off about hers."- mom_in_the_garden
"NTA."
"Picking a different name is the most reasonable choice:"
"Other side: my husband's family has multiple cousins who have the same names."
"Due to the tradition of naming after a recently deceased family member, and the cousins love it."
"At family events, they can always find the kids their age because they are named after the same person."
"Also in some cultures (many of my patients) all the kids are named for their parents out of respect so you get the father and 3 boys with the same name."
"So it's not totally unreasonable to use the name you like."- AliBlech
"NTA."
"Nobody owns a name, which includes nobody owning what name you don't use."
"Would she be as salty if you said, 'when she was born, we knew immediately she wasn't a Seraphina?'"
"It would be one thing if the name you loved was something common/timeless with a bunch of potential shortenings, like Elizabeth or Katherine, but two cousins with a less-common name would be awkward, even if one went by Sera."- IHaveSomeOpinions09
"So, NTA but your SIL is."
"Might try to go lc with her if possible."- ShelbyWinds123
"She practically admitted it was on purpose when she said she had waited for you to react."
"It was do done on purpose, it just was."
"NTA!"- MildLittlRain
"Giving her kid a name for a lifetime just to start fights seems unstable, I'd avoid her."
"Obviously NTA to name you child as you see fit and give her a name that is her own."- GeeJaa
"NTA."
"SIL is an entitled name-snatching trash bag."
"Very tacky to do something like that and then demand anything of you when you handled it so graciously."- Clear-Tradition8924
"NTA."
"She used her child as an opportunity to try and stir things up and her actions didn't need to be called out because it was abundantly apparent to everyone in the family."
"You didn't say a word."
"You can only control your response, which you did with absolute grace and wisdom."
"She was gearing up for a fight to say you have no singular possession over a name."
"Which never happened because you know you don't, and I'm sure you regret sharing your favorite girl name with everyone for so long."
"Lesson learned there when you have a jealous and spiteful SIL."
"There are a million other names, and I'm sure your child will like having one that isn't already in use in the family."
"She's mad you didn't make an issue of it initially so she could pretend to take the high ground and get everyone defending her against you."
"Well, you are a grown-ass woman, so that didn't happen."
"The natural consequences of her transparent pettiness are her responsibility and have nothing to do with you."
"She honestly seems a bit dim."- Antelope_31
Seraphina is not exactly a common name, so it's surprising, to say the least, that the OP's SIL seemed to have no concerns that her family would think she stole the idea from the OP.
A lesson she has now learned all too well, thanks to her less-than-rational behavior after the OP decided upon a different name.
Whatever her motives for naming her daughter Seraphina, one can only hope the OP's SIL at least likes the name.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp