Family members don’t always have to be on the same page when it comes to expressing opinions, but there are certain issues that can be contentious and cause division.
Redditor NyxiesPuppet is a 24-year-old mother whose father made a comment reflecting his negative view on something she was not on board with.
When she challenged him on it, he became upset and her sister accused her of being disrespectful.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for telling my dad his masculinity is too fragile?”
The Original Poster (OP) asked:
“So my whole life I’ve known that my dad was a homophobe. No one else in my immediate family is, and no one really talks about any kind of lbgtq+ topic around him so it doesn’t really come up a lot with him.”
“But whenever anything ‘gay’ happens around him he starts on a small rant.”
“So anyway. After living with this my whole life, I am now 24 and I have a one year old little girl who LOVES the Wiggles (a kids show). Sometimes when I’m visiting my parents we’ll (me and my mom) turn on Wiggles for her on Netflix and it keeps her entertained while we visit.
“My dad is always commenting on how he doesnt like the wiggles and its creepy. I usually ignore him but yesterday I decided to ask why. And he said ‘Because, to sing and dance and smile like that as a full grown man, you have to be gay. That’s not the kind of people you want around kids.'”
“I was kind of in shock at what he said and I was like ‘its just something funny and colorful for the kids.’ I dont even remember what he said afterwards but it was another gay comment and I said ‘well maybe their masculinity isn’t as fragile as yours.'”
“My mom laughed at my comment but my dad was less than amused and was in a really bad mood and snapping at everyone so I decided to leave early.”
“My mom told me he’s still mad this morning and that I really shouldn’t have said anything because ‘I know how he is.'”
“She also told my sister about it who texted me to tell me I should be more respectful to our dad (shes always been a daddys girl) and basically that I was being an AH. So AITA?”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors sided with the OP as not being the a**hole in the situation.
“NTA Honestly. If he’s going to talk like that all the time maybe he should expect to hear about it occasionally. You didn’t cuss him out or anything.” – ItsTime1234
“I think he’d be less upset if she cussed him out. He’s mad because she was right.” – apathyontheeast
“There are two types of homophobes. The supressed/secretly gay, and the straight a**holes.”
“I’ll forever think all homophobes are secretly gay, because that’s either true eta first group or hillarious eta second group.”
“Edit: people apparently struggle realizing I’m laughing of the straight a**holes, not of the people who are secretly gay.”
“I have a lot of pity for people with internalised self hate. I also have zero tolerance for their emotionally immature a**holery. No matter the size of the trauma, nothing excuses abusive behaviours that hurts other people.” – Darktwistedlady
“I used to hear this all the time about members of my family: ‘That’s just how he/she is.’ ‘You know how he/she is.’ and other variations on the theme.”
“Until one day I responded with ‘An a**hole? Yeah, I agree and it’s time that stopped.’ ‘A total d*ck mitten? You’re right and I’ve had enough.’ I made it clear I wasn’t going to put up with it anymore.”
“Just because people had allowed it to continue all this time, didn’t mean I would.” – StellaLuna108
“NTA. OP, don’t leave your dad any ‘Wiggle’ room on this issue. He’s being homophobic and he indeed has a fragile ego.”
“Keep calling him out on it, not because it’s likely to change his attitude, but more to show your daughter that being kind and accepting is more powerful than being judgmental and close-minded.” – Anonymotron42
“NTA and OP needs to think about if she wants her dad saying homophobic bullsh*t around her kid in the future.”
“Being 1 its unlikely to register but she will notice as she gets older. Imagine if she is gay or has gay friends? How she’ll feel hearing her grandfather spouting hatred and the rest of the adults in her life (beside OP) never calling him out for it, and just excusing his behaviour as ‘that’s just how he is,’ and I bet as time goes on they throw in a few ‘well he’s too old to change no.'”
“He needs to keep his bigotry to himself and not poison others around him. Everyone but OP are behaving poorly by excusing bigotry or by being bigoted.”
“So yeah I definitely agree with you that if he doesn’t change seeing OP correct him will be good for her daughter. But it’d be even better if they could get the dad to stop sharing those thoughts.”
“I highly doubt they could change his views as he’d never listen, but it might be doable to get him to be quiet about it at least.” – LJnosywritter
“I agree, NTA, but keep in mind that this man sounds generally toxic. And mom has to handle his moods.”
“As someone who left someone like this (not homophobic, but holds grudges, angry, mean, can’t let anything go, generally toxic) their moods and general emotional instability rain doom on anyone close to them for as long as they want it to. Which is usually a long time.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if she was forced up long into the night listening to him rant and rave. My ex did that all the time. He was literally a walking cult trying to break down the flock by exhausting them. Mom was fine with it. Until the morning. So I’m afraid that’s her reality.”
“This isn’t to say she shouldn’t call him out. She should. Everyone should. But I just feel so bad for her mom. You can tell by mom’s laugh she’s too afraid to say it herself. And that’s concerning.” – StGir1
“NTA….your dad sounds like a really insecure man. My hubby, one of the most manly men I have ever met, went to a Wiggles concert and sang)danced because his twin sons were really into the Wiggles at the time.”
“When his little girl wanted to paint his toes, he said just make sure to pick a color that will make his feet look good (he has the feet cavemen would envy).”
“Being a man and a great dad is about showing your kids it is okay to be themselves, to embrace who they are, and to show love, support, and encouragement.” – Mrs_ghee_buttersnaps
And while a handful of Redditors admitted to not being huge fans of The Wiggles themselves, they agreed the father’s damaging comments against the kids’ show were unwarranted.
“Exactly. Plus it’s not like the Wiggles are going to make him (or anyone else) do anything they don’t want to do. Well, except hear their earworm songs work through their brains for excruciatingly long periods of time.” – SquirrelGirlVA
“NTA. There are a lot of good reasons to not like watching the Wiggles, but gayness shouldn’t be one of them. You’re dead on accurate, it seems, and he didn’t like being called out on it.”
“Now I have to try to get ‘fruit salad, yummy yummy’ out of my head. It’s been years… years! But there it is tormenting me again.” – Bozobozo111
Overall, Redditors appreciated the OP for calling her father out, and they did not settle for the mother’s “you know how he is” excuse to exempt him from making homophobic comments.