We’d like to think that our family will always be there for us and will always remain an active part of our lives.
Sadly, that simply isn’t always the case, as for multiple reasons people make the conscious decision to cut ties with family members.
A decision many come to regret, particularly when they hear tragic news through a third party, sometimes before they have a chance to reconnect and make amends.
The daughter of Redditor TAnameblabla told her that she would no longer be a part of her life when the original poster (OP) wasn’t accepting of who she was.
Knowing she was responsible for this rift, the OP decided to respect her daughter’s wishes and made no attempt to contact her.
However, when the OP’s daughter found out that her mother was recently in grave danger, she was furious at the OP for not letting her know.
Wondering if she was in the wrong, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA not tell my daughter that I was in an accident?”
The OP explained why she didn’t feel it was necessary to tell her daughter about her recent scare:
“My daughter (28 F[emale]) and I (56 F) have a tough relationship.”
“I take the blame for all this; when she told me she was a lesbian at 15, I didn’t react well (I didn’t kick her out of the house or do anything else, but I said terrible things), and our relationship, which was wonderful, turned into barely talking.”
“My husband ‘woke me up’ 2 years after she came out, and I started trying to improve my thoughts and my prejudices and try to understand all of this better, but our relationship was already badly damaged because of me.”
“I apologized to her for the things I said. We had a heart-to-heart conversation, and she was very sincere in saying that when she left the house, she would cut off contact with me because, despite accepting my apology, she no longer trusted me as someone who she wanted around.”
“I accepted this, and after going to college, she actually cut off 95% of contact with me, and I tried to get closer or go to therapy together, but she refused, so I respected it.”
“We even had some contact while my husband was alive because she attended the end-of-year parties, but after he passed away 3 years ago, if we talked 3 times …”
“She didn’t want to talk, and I respected that because I’m aware of what I did.”
“2 weeks ago, I was in a car accident, and I broke 2 ribs and my arm and had several scratches on my body.”
“It was nothing too serious. I’m recovering well and I have help at home.”
“I didn’t say anything to my daughter because we don’t talk.”
“She called me yesterday, asking if I had really been in an accident, and when I confirmed, she started to argue with me, saying, ‘I shouldn’t know this kind of thing from my cousin, but from you’.”
“I was honest here and said that we haven’t talked in months, almost a year, I’m respecting what she asked and I thought this was a topic she wasn’t interested.”
“She started to say that even though we didn’t talk, I had to tell her this type of information because she was my daughter and the only immediate family and not hide it from her.”
“She’s upset with me, but today I received a bag from the pharmacy with pain medication and other things from her; I’m feeling bad, but I’m also doing what she asked, which is that we have no contact.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not calling her daughter after her accident.
Everyone agreed that the OP was, as she said, respecting her daughter’s wishes and was thus under no obligation to contact her.
“NTA for not telling your daughter.”
“You’re right – you were abiding by her wish not to be in contact with you.”
“How are you supposed to know that there’s a threshold of info she wants if she never communicated that to you.”
“Thank your daughter for her concern and for the package and for thinking of you.”
“Don’t forget to tell her that you’re so glad she reached out, even if she’s angry, because you’ve missed her.”
“If you reach out with a little warmth, maybe she’ll reciprocate, and if you both can do that, maybe your relationship will start to improve.”- KBD_in_PDX
“Yeah, ignoring everything in the past here and judging on the present NTA.”
“She is the one who maintained a no-contact relationship.”
“You’ve respected her wishes for years on this and kept your distance at her request.”
“It’s ridiculous for her to scold you for doing as she requested.”
“You can’t be faulted for respecting her wishes.”
“She can’t change the rules and then play the victim after the fact.”
“It sounds like there is no winning for you here.”
“You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
“She’s gonna be upset either way, ’cause you contacted her after being told not to, or you didn’t contact her.”
“You’re not a mind reader to determine what contact is acceptable for her, depending on what rules she’s established that day.”- BulbasaurRanch
“NTA.”
“I’m ignoring past mistakes because we’re all human, and you’re trying to do and be better (and honestly, it doesn’t have any bearing on current events).”
“She doesn’t want contact and you are respecting her wishes.”
“I have a feeling this would have been a no-win situation for you.”
“If you had told her, she either wouldn’t have answered the phone, or she would have complained about not respecting her boundaries.”
“I feel like she’s only upset because she heard about it from her cousin and was embarrassed that she didn’t know something important about her mother.”
“IDK maybe take this opportunity to see if she would be open to more than a yearly phone call.”-kitfromoh
“NTA.”
“I wouldn’t tell them either.”
“My thought process would be: they want space, and me telling them this will seem like I’m trying to make them feel pity.”
“Not telling them was probably the best thing you did; you were genuinely trying to respect her boundaries, and if you just take your time with her, she’ll get over what happened, and you can reunite.”- JoeBiden1000
Many, however, sympathized with the OP’s daughter, agreeing that even though she initiated the estrangement, she deserved to be kept in the loop when it came to major news like a car accident, even though they still agreed the OP was not obligated to contact her.
“NTA/NAH.”
“It sounds like you are respecting your daughter’s wishes, so absolutely NTA on that part.”
“It sounds like your daughter has some conflicting thoughts about you.”
“You obviously hurt her deeply in the past, but it’s also obvious that even though she does not talk with you, she still cares about you.”
“This might (maybe if both sides want it) be a catalyst to ask her – ‘when do you want to hear from me, and what would it be appropriate information to share with you?'”
“It asks a genuine question, but also puts the impetus back on her – she initiated the low/no contact, but now she has the control to change it if she would like.”- runaredlight68
“It seems to me she felt guilty for being so low contact with you that she had to learn you were in an accident from a third party.”
“So she turned that guilt on you.”
” You can’t read her mind or her heart.”
“I think you two really would have benefited from therapy. Maybe suggest it again to her?”
“Just to avoid more misunderstandings, she has to be clear what kind of relationship she wants with you because she already knows what kind of relationship you want with her.”
“I received a bag from the pharmacy with pain medication and other things from her.”
“Just from this, I’m in between NAH and NTA.”
“It looks like even she isn’t clear on what she wants to do.”
“She could’ve been all talk, but she wasn’t.”
“But she needs to be willing to communicate with you instead of assuming you know what she expects from you.”- BeautifulIncrease734
Owing to their estrangement, it’s hard to disagree that the OP did the right thing by not telling her daughter about the accident.
However, it also seems that her anger at not being told might not be the element to focus on; rather, upon learning this information, her daughter sent her that care package.
Perhaps learning that the OP nearly died, her daughter might instead try to mend their relationship rather than keep trying to put an end to it.
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