Relationships are built on trust, communication and mutual respect.
It can be very difficult, however, when that respect isn’t clear to the other person or when things go unspoken.
What happens when those unspoken things become revealed?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Infinite_Salad_928 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA ) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA for taking my friend to a small operation instead of my husband?”
OP began with some background.
“I (30 Female) love my husband (27M).”
“He’s charming, quick-witted, handsome, funny when he wants to be, and is the type of person everyone is drawn to.”
“I was the one to ask him out, to say I love you, to kiss him, to plan our dates, to file the paperwork.”
“He’s not particularly affectionate. I think he wouldn’t have proposed to me had his family not expected it.”
“Nevertheless, I’m very happy.”
Everything was fine, until…
“Recently, I went to a dermatologist about two growing spots on my body.”
“It turns out that they were semi-benign tumors that could turn cancerous.”
“I had them removed.”
Then OP got to the situation at hand.
“I asked my long time friend Amy (30F) to be my support person as the surgeon required someone else take care of me.”
“Amy is a very touchy feely person and we’re basically sisters.”
“I felt that I needed affection. I did the surgery on a week where my husband would be away. It went smoothly.”
“My husband noticed the bandages yesterday and asked if I got hurt.”
“I had to tell him the truth and told him it was a small operation.”
“He said that it was cruel of me to ask Amy instead of him.”
“I told him I didn’t want to burden him and he got even more irritated.”
OP was left wondering if she’d made the right decision.
“My parents heard about this and told me that I did the right thing but when I told my friends, they said it was an a**hole move especially to Amy who took a day off to help me?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Some responses were very confused.
“That first paragraph is so confusing lol.”
“So you love your husband and he’s all those amazing things but also puts no effort into your relationship and didn’t really want to marry you? what?”
“Really weird/unhealthy that you don’t feel like you can tell your husband about an operation your having, regardless of who comes with you or not.”
“Since I don’t understand your relationship at all from that first paragraph I have no idea who’s out of line here, so my judgment is: 🚩” ~ seeker7628
“That was my thought as well. There’s something not right if she didn’t feel she could tell her husband about the surgery, even going so far as to schedule it when he’ll be away.”
“There is a lot of missing info here.” ~ logirl1975
There were also personal stories.
“My partner and I are very different.”
“I show love by wanting to spend time together, talking and hanging out and I can be overly affectionate.”
“My partner likes to chill and play video games or watch TV or text his friends, and sometimes doesn’t speak to me for hours, so I always got upset that he didn’t want to spend time with me.”
“It took a couple of years to realise that he shows love by doing things for me, like if I want something from the shop he will go out and get it immediately, or bring me flowers or chocolate when I’ve had a bad day.”
“Just because we show love differently, it doesn’t mean we love each other any less.”
“Same with OPs husband.”
“He obviously cares otherwise he wouldn’t have noticed the bandage.”
“OP should have told her husband she was having surgery – really odd behaviour to keep him in the dark.”
“He’s probably hurt that OP didn’t feel they could share with him.” ~Few_Internet_9220
“I have had trouble in past relationships because I can’t handle too much physical touch.”
“I have only recently realized, well into middle age, that it’s a sensory processing issue due to feeling overwhelmed by touch (especially on my hands –“
“Seriously why is handholding such a common and romanticized act of casual affection?”
“Hands have so many nerve endings and when they’re all going it’s hard to think?) and not that I’m just a cold female dog who doesn’t love people enough.” ~ blinkingsandbeepings
Others thought there was more going on with the relationship.
“I said this in another comment but this really read to me as someone who loves/d her husband or the idea of marriage but fears he doesn’t reciprocate so she doesn’t give him the opportunity to prove it one way or the other.”
“She feared he wouldnt respond the way she wanted a partner to respond (with love and support) so she hid the whole thing from him.”
“But the joke might be on her, bc he sounds like he was upset about not being told.”
“She might be self-sabotaging at this point by now pushing him away and creating this narrative around him being a ‘fancy ice cube'”.
“Clearly hes got something else going on if he was upset about her keeping this secret (not very ice cube of him to be hurt).” ~ jessthefancy
“I had the same thoughts as you. It does seem weird/unhealthy.”
“Since it is something I think she should have told her husband she does fall into YTA territory.”
“Her relationship reminds of a coworker I had in South Korea.”
“She always complained that her boyfriend wasn’t romantic and that they had no passion. Of course she married him and kept making the same complaints.”
“Now she is still unhappily married with children.”
“OP you need to reevaluate your relationship.” ~ RoadNo9352
Commenters found it too hard to come to a decision.
“This is one of those times when I think it’s hard to judge.”
“It is entirely possible that he is, in fact a fancy ice cube that’s ‘gets irritated if I tell him about my issues with work even if I might move jobs or get a promotion’ and doesn’t ‘particularly care’ about OP’s problems.”
“And that he wanted a wife so life would be easier (maybe to get his parents off his back regarding marriage? to have someone to control?).”
“But without wanting to put in the works. And that he might have some behavioural issues that would explain this.”
“But it can be just as likely that he is a man that doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeves.”
“I know others like that.”
“They can be kind of aloof and appear cold at first and even second sight.”
“Probably also not the best listeners, because if it comes to a problem, their attitude is to solve it, not just complain about it.”
“This is something they expect of others as well, which could be seen (quite likely is) as a character fault, and as such, they would rather avoid listening to others complaining.”
“It doesn’t mean that they don’t care; it just doesn’t manifest in the ways one would expect.”
“If OP’s husbands personality is akin to this, it’s understandable that he would be upset that his wife didn’t tell him about this.”
“This would mean that he still loves OP (to some degree at least), but his love language is different from the big showy gestures she seems to prefer.”
“It doesn’t mean she is an AH for wanting someone who could sufficiently comfort her, but she is for not even bothering to tell her husband even though she knew she won’t be able to hold it a secret, then getting upset when he got upset.”
“And if he really is emotionally unavailable, and has been for pretty much the whole of the relationship.”
“I do not understand why she married him when he gave her the option to either break up or marry (which could with good chances be seen as a red flag regarding the relationship).” ~ MeiSuesse
Some felt the real problem was the relationship itself.
“You married your pretty statue and you didn’t care that he is cold as long as he is yours.”
“Imagine your shock and horror at the statue wanting to know his wife went for an operation.”
“Not taking him with you is fine.”
“But if you don’t want him around when you have surgery because he provides no comfort and he seems to think he should have been there for you.”
“(Providing comfort, growling or eating ice blocks, I don’t know) then your issue is bigger than this incident.”
“Clearly he isn’t meeting your emotional needs but you’re also not meeting his.”
“YTA got thinking this is ok and wanting to ‘keep him’ even if you’re both not happy. People are prizes that you fight for and win” ~ Strong-Bread1249
We all want to feel respected.
But when feelings go unsaid, or when events go unmentioned, it can be difficult to feel that you are respected.