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Woman Accused Of Being A ‘Martyr’ After Complying With Friends’ Requests Not To Drink So Much

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Standards around imbibing and how much constitutes too much can differ greatly among different people.

For a woman on Reddit, differences over this issue turned into an actual conflict between her and her friend group.

She wasn’t sure about how she was handling things, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.

The Original Poster (OP), who goes by Blackshooks on the site, asked:

“AITA for not drinking around my largely sober friends?”

She explained:

“Over the new year I (25f[emale]) went to a small get together with some of my friends for the weekend. Since it was New Years Eve I packed several beers to enjoy while we were there. I’ve always been more of a drinker than this group of friends, think 1 or 2 drinks when we go out versus my 4 or 5.”

“New Years Eve I’m admittedly getting quite tipsy, not black out, I remember everything, just louder and more inappropriate. One of my friends however keeps side eyeing me and then attempts to take my beer from me saying, ‘I think you should stop’.”

“This was my eighth beer, so I shrug, chug it and say ‘Ok’, I didn’t have anymore that night but the looks I was getting were so transparently judgmental that I began to feel guilty.”

“At bedtime I was told that I could have the private room at the end of the house while the others slept in the living room, when I said I was ok to take the couch, it was insisted I take the room alone.”

“Now booze always makes me more emotional, usually for the happy better but I was already crestfallen so that was the straw that broke the sad drunk camel’s back. Feeling banished I went to the room misty eyed and tried to have a silent drunken cry until I fell asleep.”

“The next day, my friends told me that the amount I drank last night made them uncomfortable and that they heard me crying and never want me to drink that much in front of them again.”

“They are allowed to have boundaries with me and so I apologized and said I wouldn’t do it again. I only had four drinks left at this point so that night I cracked one and got an immediate ‘don’t over do it tonight’.”

“I nursed every drink gingerly while I got the same annoyed side eye. The rest of the trip was soured for me after that but again people are allowed to have boundaries about this sort of thing, and I understand to someone sober, someone drunk can be obnoxious.”

“That said I felt policed about my drinking while I was supposed to be at a party.”

“I decided I simply wont drink around this friend group. This choice has backfired spectacularly.”

“We hung out again and I was offered a beer. I politely declined and this was seen as odd because, as established before, I like to drink with my friends.”

“When asked why I explained that I feel like my drinking makes them uncomfortable and their scrutiny about my drinking makes me uncomfortable so if I remove alcohol from the equation entirely then the issue is resolved.”

“I was called a martyr and childish, I honestly tried not to make a big show of not drinking, just gentle refusal. But they see me saying that ‘I have other friends I can drink with’ as an attack on them.”

“I was asked if I was going to spend New Years with them next year and I was honest and said, ‘probably not’.”

“I turned down a different set of friends this year to go to this thing with them. They see this as me choosing alcohol over them, which isn’t true, I want to still be around them, I just won’t drink with them.”

“Everything has been tense since.”

“AITA for not wanting to drink around them?”

Redditors were then asked to judge who’s in the wrong in this conflict based on the following categories:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
  • NAH – No A**holes Here

And though there were some differences in opinion, most agreed OP was in the right on this one.


“after the first two paragraphs, i thought Y T A…”

“but then i read paragraph 3 and thought E S H.”

“then i get to the last paragraph where you make a reasonable adjustment to your behavior, and firmly remove yourself from the AH column, while they hit the turbo button and plow full steam ahead right through the AH wall. .” –Oddman8

“This friends group is like the kitty that wants precisely 3.2 tummy scratches, or you lose a hand.”

“In the end, NTA.” –RudytheSquirrel

“This group of friends just sounds extremely difficult to get along with. ‘You drink too much!’ To ‘You won’t drink at all with us!’ Honestly this kind of drama is exhausting and ain’t no one got time for that! NTA.” –stargazer263

“OP repeatedly says they feel their friends are allowed to have a boundary but the friends aren’t seeing that the same is true for OP. So ultimately NTA because OP isn’t left with a lot of options.” –NarlaRT

“Yeah NTA dude, you acknowledged their right to have boundaries and adjusted your behaviour accordingly, and they still weren’t happy. Also I notice your comment about them being judgemental of you making you uncomfortable was conveniently ignored. Time to get some new friends man, cut these squares loose and go find your people.” –leftytrash161

“If your behavior was as you stated in the first part, I’m going with NTA for both times.”

“I choose to be sober because I just don’t like alcohol, mocktails are better without it anyway. My friends/family partake, sometimes heavily to what you described (behavior wise). Their mood rubs off on me and we’re all having a good time.”

“Second scenario, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Not sure why questioning people about not drinking is such a common thing anyway. After their talks with you and how you were treated, why question something they asked for.”

“Then they don’t like the open and honest answer given, get weirdly defensive about you just trying to accommodate them, insult/gaslight you about your decision, ask more questions they don’t want the answer to and get more mad… Absolutely wild.” –Actonyourimpulses

Hopefully OP and her friends can figure out how to better manage this issue in the future.

Written by Peter Karleby

Peter Karleby is a writer, content producer and performer originally from Michigan. His writing has also appeared on YourTango, Delish and Medium, and he has produced content for NBC, The New York Times and The CW, among others. When not working, he can be found tripping over his own feet on a hiking trail while singing Madonna songs to ward off lurking bears.