A woman who had been quarantining for a month with her boyfriend spent a much longer time in his shower than she ever expected after coming back from a run.
An embarrassing accident while rinsing off her backside turned into a caper that was only made worse when she tried to destroy the evidence.
Redditor gop_youth_group admitted to the “Today I F’d Up” (TIFU) subReddit:
“TIFU by washing my butt at my boyfriend’s place.”
The Original Poster (OP) indicated this was a throwaway post because she wanted to “cry in embarrassment” and warned the story contained “poop talk.”
“My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months and absolutely DO NOT discuss bathroom habits.”
“Nothing.”
“So, I can’t share this horrible f’k up with him so I’m telling it to you nasty people.”
“We’ve been quarantining together at his place for about a month and it’s been really great. Tonight, I just got finished with a run and decided to take a hot steamy shower.”
“But first, I had to empty the tank (runners will know the feeling). After, I hop into the shower and do my thing.”
“Now, I don’t know how you people wash your butt but here’s how I do it—I get the washcloth nice and sudsy, wipe down all my crevices, and then lean forward facing opposite of the shower head, spread the cheeks and let the water pressure get in there.”
“Well, I must have been REALLY relaxed because next thing I know… there is poop on the bottom of the bathtub.”
“Like a decent sized log. I didn’t even feel it come out.”
“I am HORRIFIED and kind of stare at it for a few seconds wondering how this just escaped me. I quickly lean out of the shower to grab some toilet paper and guess what… the poop slithered down towards the drain!”
“Now I have the poop stuck in the water stream and only being held up by the drain, so without thinking, I try to grab it, only for it to be smashed down and liquified even further. F’k!!!!”
“I turned the water off and grab a new piece of TP. I tried wiping the inside of the drain, but it just made it even worse.”
“Now I added wet TP pieces to the mix. I unscrew the drain cap and let it run in the sink, only for even smaller pieces of poop to come out and get stuck in THAT drain!”
“I repeat the process and finally get the sink drain clean.”
“10 minutes pass and my boyfriend is still wondering why I’m in the bathroom even though the water is turned off.”
“Back to the bathtub drain—I keep wiping and just keep getting more poop! Does he poop in the shower too?!”
“There is no way this is just from me! He had some cleaner under the sink so I sprayed the living sh*t out of the drain and hoped it was fine.”
“It doesn’t stop there.
“All of that TP I was using? Yeah, I was tossing it into the toilet.”
“When I finally got my drain situation under control, I flushed the toilet… only for it to be clogged with so much toilet paper. And he doesn’t have a plunger.”
“So now I’ve been in this bathroom for a solid 40 minutes and need to explain to my boyfriend that I clogged his toilet—but not from massive sh*ts—but from toilet paper, because I pooped in his shower (????).”
“Well, I had to say something, so I left the bathroom red as a lobster and explained I accidentally flushed a tampon and it clogged the toilet so I need to run to the pharmacy to procure a plunger.”
“He believed me.”
“Taking new butt washing suggestions now…”
In edit, the OP clarified a couple of things about the “log” that wouldn’t go down without a fight.
“Since many of you need clarification… here you go. Yes, I DID poop before I showered. I thought I was all emptied out.”
“By ‘decent log,’ I would say it was the size of my thumb.”
“It was a decent size for something I didn’t feel. I forgot that we all have different perspectives of what decent looks like.”
“After reading the comments, I think what happened is that I gave myself an accidental enema. When I’m washing away, I like to get ALLLLLLLLLL the places clean, and I think the hot water jet made the bad things happen.”
“I am a healthy person otherwise, but thank you for your concerns 😍”
Redditors reacted to her excremental embarrassment and offered proper backside cleansing suggestions for the future.
“Here’s what to do next time: Finish cleaning yourself first. Then turn up the heat as far as it will go, but try to stay out of the stream.”
“If there is a detachable shower head, use it to strategically blast the target, wherever it is softest and you can break it up. Make sure it’s set to narrow-beam. Work slowly but thoroughly. Wide beam will get you nowhere fast.”
“Whatever solid remains after that, pick up, drop in toilet, wash hands thoroughly.”
“NEVER try to do the waffle stomp unless it’s already past the point of no return, or super soft and you cant do method A for some reason.”
“If you have to stomp the drain, pray theres some chemicals you can use to help dissolve, or the pipes are super good. A little drano helps (just a little, like half a cup, you don’t want to fume up the place).”
“Be safe with it, don’t let it touch your skin, even a little splashback. Rinse skin very thoroughly if you do get hit by some.”
“Keep the shower running, make it a long one, don’t stop until the whole job is done and has been no longer visible for 5 minutes.”
“Do a soap-down foot scrub of whatever shower surfaces came into contact with it. Hold the handle for support, and don’t trust your feet for traction for a little bit, DO NOT hold the lever or spout, they can break easier than you think.” – Jonxor
“Not a plumber but came here to say that I have a colostomy so I absolutely cannot control where I poop.”
“My nurse told me pooping in the shower is generally not a big deal because it washes down the drain and it’s the same kind of drain as the toilet. Just don’t do it all the time and collect any solid matter left in the drain when you’re done.”
“That said, I can’t imagine how stressful this was since you obviously weren’t expecting it. I had a somewhat similar f’k up the first time I got poop in the shower and I knew it was a possibility! I feel for you!”
“In regards to the ‘see a doctor’ comment, if this happens regularly, there’s a whole branch of physical therapy that deals with pelvic floor muscles and can often help. (This helped me deal with a lot of my issues before my surgery).”
“But likely not necessary for a one time thing. Best of luck to you!” – kimberlybuonomo
“Oooh! I have the best advice ever. My fiance convinced me to buy a bidet toilet seat.. he used one years ago when traveling.. you can spend as little as 25$ or get an expensive one like we did.”
“Either way, do it. It’s changes our lives.. we both are slightly disappointed/feel dirty when we have to use normal toliet seats. Amongst it just being generally awesome.. you mentioned how it kind just slipped out in the shower.. this is def tmi poo talk but when the bidet sprays you sometimes it hits the spot so all the extras get out.. it’s kinda like a douche lol.”
“If you’re constipated it also works wonders.. swamp a** got ya covered.. I don’t have a period anymore but if you do it’ll rinse ya clean.. got spooge in your cooch? Rinses right out.. if I could be a bidet spokesperson or a thortons slurpee spokesperson it would make me so happy.” – bigbertha998
“Awwww, this has happened to me when I thought a good fart in the shower is okay. It’s not, obviously, because you should never trust a fart.”
“I just picked up as much as I could then bleached the sh*t (literally!) out of the tub and drain. My husband didn’t notice because we have separate bathrooms and he never notices how long I’m in there.”
“But after I cleaned up I told him and he shared a similar story and we laughed and laughed then had a shot of tequila.” – csb7566381
“OP, you should just get it over with and tell him. For Christ’s sake, either he’ll laugh his ass off and it’ll be a funny story for you guys to giggle over later, or he’s not worth the trouble because he gets too uptight about normal body functions.” – Culverts_Flood_Away
As far as we know, her story remains classified information, still undisclosed to her boyfriend.
But if he does find out, hey, sh*t happens.