Money is always a delicate issue in conversation.
More often than not, sharing how much you make, details of a very expensive vacation you just booked, or how your dream apartment was way out of your price range often results in someone being uncomfortable.
And even in our supposedly progressive age, men continue to find themselves intimidated upon learning that women they know make more money than they do.
Such was the case with Redditor notAGoldDiggerX, who embarrassed her boyfriend when she revealed in front of all his friends that her salary was considerably bigger than his.
But feeling that her doing so was justified, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my boyfriend’s friends I make twice what he does, when they called me a gold digger and he didn’t defend me?”
The OP first shared how while she and her boyfriend work in the same fields, she makes considerably more money than he does, though she doesn’t often like to talk about work or her salary.
“I’m in a relationship with a guy who also works in tech”
“. He makes 68k and I make 130k.”
“I am a mechanical engineer at a robotics startup.”
“He works at a more stable job doing programming at a large company.”
“He brought me to meet his friends at a party and they asked me about myself.”
“His friends mostly work in tech too and talked about themselves in terms of their jobs.”
“I told them I’m a hiker, I do archery, I love road trips and camping and riding dirt bikes, etc.”
“Basically talking about my hobbies because work is just a way to get paid to do the sh*t I love.”
“It’s not how I define myself and it doesn’t come to mind when someone wants me to tell them about myself.”
“One of his friends asked about work and I said ‘Oh gosh, I don’t wanna talk about work at a party!'”
“‘Spent my whole day sweating my ass off in 95 degree heat trying to replace this busted a** motor just to find the replacement part was also f*cked’.”
“I wasn’t lying or trying to downplay that I have a good job, that really is how I spent my day, and I wasn’t in the mood to talk shop at a party!”
The OP soon realized she gave her boyfriend’s friends the wrong impression about her income, resulting in some unkind words from some of them, and her boyfriend never coming to her defense.
“Some other conversations came up casually that probably also made me seem poorer like me saying that car dealership repairs were a ripoff, and telling my boyfriend that my childhood neighbors trailer caught on fire and I was gonna visit and help her out.”
“I wasn’t doing it on purpose, I was literally just talking about my life, but I guess I gave the impression I was poorer.”
‘It got later in the night, everyone was getting drunker, and some of his friends, not close ones tho, were making jokes about me growing up in a trailer and being a gold digger.’
“And being ready to jump to a richer guy.”
“Really misogynistic shit honestly, since they don’t even know me and seemed to just assume all girls are good diggers.”
“He didn’t say anything.”
“He later said it was because he’d smoked weed and gets quiet and has trouble carrying on a quick conversation when he’s high.”
“But regardless I felt hurt he didn’t say anything.”
“I got irritated with his friends and asked ‘Now why the hell would you say that when I make twice what he does?'”
“His friends went quiet for a second and I continued saying ‘there ain’t no gold to dig here, not with him or anyone at this party’.”
“‘So do y’all think I’m cheap, or do y’all think I’m stupid’?”
“My boyfriend wanted to leave the party shortly after and he was pretty upset with me for telling everyone I make twice what he does.”
“I said I would have held my tongue if he’d checked his friends himself.”
“But he didn’t say anything so I wasn’t about to let them talk to me like that.”
“He said it was humiliating and now everyone thinks I’m a bitch, and I flippantly said ‘at least they know I’m a rich bitch’.”
“He was angry I embarrassed him when I spoke up.”
“I was angry I had to say anything at all because his friends were talking shit so it should be on him to check them.”
“Stuff is still tense.”
“AITA for explaining why I’m not a gold digger?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where the believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for making a joke about her and her boyfriend’s salaries.
Everyone agreed that the friends of the OP’s boyfriend were being nasty to her, and that she had every right to clap back at them, particularly as her boyfriend never came to her defense.
“NTA.”
“Enjoy your awesome life, rich bitch!”
“Please prevent the robot uprising.”- noizangel
“NTA, his friends sound like those dudes that whine that they can’t get girfriends.”
“Think they deserve super models, but then are complete misogynists.”
“BF got his ego bruised that you let it be known you our-earn him, he’ll get over it or he’s stuck in the patriarchal ideal that the man is supposed to be the main breadwinner.”- TCTX73
“NTA.”
“Your boyfriend chooses to hang out with people who are misogynistic and judgmental.”
“He chooses to stay silent when they aim their vitriol at you.”
“And then he chooses to direct his anger and shame at you for refusing to let yourself be treated like trash.”
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”- DarthLokiii
“NTA.”
“Fuck toxic masculinity.”- JoshOfArc
“So he was too high to stop his friends but wasn’t too high to be angry at you?”
“Yeah, BS.”
“He’s just as misogynistic as the others.”
“He didn’t want to be ’emasculated’ by making less – but that’s only emasculating to fragile jealous boys not mature men.”
“NTA.”-Whatthehonker
“NTA .”
“He got upset you corrected their insults, you weren’t bragging.”- Kocainekissesdemon
“NTA.”
“So your boyfriend was too high to say anything to support you but sober enough to complain when you rightly called him and his rude mates out.”- zwergschnauzer
“I don’t need to tell you you’re NTA.”- ineedtotalkplz
“NTA.”
“Yeah, I’m on your side.”
“You did nothing wrong by saying truth.”
“They shouldn’t have talked to you that way and in my opinion it were his friends who embarrassed him by being mean to his girlfriend.”
“He should be mad at them not you.”
“Why he cares so much what his mean friends think of him and don’t care at all what they think/say about you.”- smi1e123_MD
“NTA.”
“Yikes.”
“How rude of them.”
“Also it’s gross your bf is insecure about you making more money because you are a woman.”
“Red flag.”
“But also your bf needs to job hop.”
“A programmer making 68k?”
“I was offered 20k more just last year for an exclusively front end web role.”
“Either you live in Europe or you need to tell that boy to start interviewing.”- starbiebarbie99
“NTA.”
“You put up with the misogynistic tech bro BS longer than you should have and mellow on weed or not, your BF could have spoken up.”
“What puts him into TA category is wanting to leave when you mentioned your salary.”
“I guess the poor baby felt emasculated, even though it was OK to run you into the ground as poor trailer trash and then a gold digger.”
“His friends suck and he sucks by association.”
“I’d rethink that relationship.”- GlamourCatNYC
“NTA.”
“He was too high to follow the conversation when they were insulting you, but quick to haul you out when you corrected his friends?”
“So, he was just lying and letting them insult you because it made him look good?”
“He’s an ah and so are his friends.”- Steups13
“NTA good job defending yourself since you boyfriend didn’t.”
“He is sounding insecure and as juvenile as his friends.”
“Think on this relationship and see if you really want to deal with this long term or not.”
“Good luck.”- Commercial-Letter252
“NTA.”
“Also, your boyfriend is no prize, just your ordinary ‘nice guy’.”
“From what I understand, he is jealous of you making more money.”
“He didn’t defend you because when his friend insulted you, it gave him an ego boost.”
“He didn’t defend you because he agrees, despite the facts telling a completely different story.”
“You seem like a straightforward person to me.”
“You can do better.”
“Is this a pattern with him where you doing better in some part of life is not received pleasantly/joyously by him?”- Classic-Internal-351
It’s hard to say which is more unfortunate.
That the OP’s boyfriend didn’t feel compelled to come to her defense, or that he seemed more upset when she announced she made more money than him and not all the disparaging remarks his friends made towards her.
Here’s hoping his eyes will open a little wider if he wants to stay in this relationship.