Every parent’s worst nightmare is outliving their child.
Particularly if they lose their child at a young age.
Making the grieving process all the more difficult are all the possibilities of what their child’s life might have been, and the person their child would become.
Redditor funeral038181 recently lost her infant child.
Not helping her cope with her unimaginable loss was her mother, who continued to pester her on an issue she had already been struggling with.
Understandably, this let her emotions get the better of her, leading to some tension between her and her mother.
Later feeling guilty over her tone and choice of words, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my mother that she can pay for my daughter’s funeral since she’s so concerned about it?”
In a short and concise post, the OP shared how her mother continued to pester her on one issue following the death of her infant child.
“My daughter died 8 weeks ago from SIDS.”
“She was 6 days old and as you can imagine, it devastated the entire family.”
“I’ve been planning her funeral but even for a baby, its quite expensive.”
“My mother has been hounding me about ‘getting it over and done with’ because in her culture, people’s funeral happens a few days after their death.”
“I’ve been saving for the past few weeks to give my baby the funeral she deserves and particularly for the urn I would like.”
“I finally snapped at her yesterday, and said since she’s so concerned about speeding up the process, then she can pay for the f*cking thing.”
“This got her all upset, since she was trying to honor her culture.”
“My dad thinks I was a bit of an a** for snapping at her, but mostly for suggesting she pay.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community was heartbroken by the OP’s story, with no one finding her the a**hole for snapping at her mother.
Some Redditors came forward with suggestions as to how the OP might be able to afford her child’s funeral, as well as cope with her loss.
“I also lost my son to SIDS at 27 days old.”
“The funeral home did not charge us.”
“I know many others that were not charged for their infants funeral as well.”
“It is considered bad form in the funeral world to take money from grieving parents for an infants funeral.”
“So typically you are only charged for the things out of their hands, like flowers (which people are more than willing to donate) and the cremation cost – and cremation is much cheaper.”
“All in all my son’s funeral was under $500 with the urn.”
“If burial is preferred there are organizations that can help.”
“In 8 years of being a part of the loss community, I’ve only heard maybe a dozen people say the funeral home would take their money and that is out of thousands of stories (talking about your child’s funeral is a big topic – a lot find it therapeutic).”
“I belong to a large number of infant loss groups I absolutely welcome you to message me and I can help you with some groups and resources if you need.”
“I would talk to several funeral homes in your area, especially family owned ones, I assure you that one will work with you on the cost if they even charge you at all.”
“I can not put into words how sorry i am for your loss.”
“NTA obviously.”- makerblue.
“If you are looking at urns, though, you are planning cremation – as hard as it is, I’d suggest calling around, because several funeral homes near me have much much lower costs for babies, and a cremation with memorial service less than $1,000.” –Scstxrn.
While others consoled her, saying that grief takes time and she should take all the time she needs to grieve, regardless of what her mother might say.
“Take the time you need/the time to do what’s best.”
“Follow your heart.”
“You’re doing the right thing, OP.”
“F*ck anyone else’s opinion.”
“At the end of the day, this is YOUR baby.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“I hope you grieve peacefully during this time.”- whatjealousyis.
“Nta it’s your baby not hers so ‘her culture’ doesn’t matter nor does her opinion.”
“Just do what you are comfortable with so that you can properly grieve.”- ProtectionFrequent18.
“NTA at all.”
“In my opinion you get a free pass to be an a**hole for awhile.”
“I am so, deeply sorry for your loss.”- thankuhexed.
“NTA everyone mourns differently, especially when it’s the unexpected loss of a child.”
“If you need time to do so, take it. I’m sorry for your loss.”-middlingwhiteguy.
“NTA Your child just died, take all the time you need to organize the farewell that you want/need.”-tunarevolution.
“NTA but I want to make a point about funeral costs.”
“Please don’t feel under any pressure to buy an expensive urn or any expensive products.”
“What you spend on a funeral in no way reflects your love for your child. “
“Celebrate her life and say goodbye in anyway way that you like and don’t let the funeral industry make you feel bad.”
“Have friends and family round and celebrate her in a way feels natural to you.”
“Whether that’s a religious ceremony, a little back garden gathering or somewhere in nature.”
“Hugs from this internet stranger.”-AppropriateQuail8358.
Others expressed their surprise the OP’s mother or anyone would pester a parent who lost their infant child.
“I would say a good general life rule for everyone is don’t harass a woman who’s burying her 6 day old child.”-Kayhowardhlots.
“Her culture matters f*ck all here.”
“What matters is that grieving parents get to process all of this the way they need to and plan the service they want to plan.”
“NTA, First of all I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Your mom shouldn’t be hounding you like that.”
“You said she was trying to honor her culture, but her culture doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your culture or cultural beliefs too.”
“I 100% would’ve suggested she pay too since it seems to be bothering her the most.”
“At the end of the day, everyone handles grief differently and you do what is best for you and give that baby the funeral she deserves, no matter how long it takes you to get things organized.” –H_H_B.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“This is the funeral of your baby and nobody should be hurrying you regarding it.”
“NTA – how is your mother’s culture that much different than yours?”
“Sounds like you are doing the best you can during a time of extreme grief.”
“One time snapping is okay.”
“You can apologize if you want, but I wouldn’t Because I think it’s more than justified.”
“Sorry for your loss.” –marheena.
“Nta, your child died, both parents are complete crap.” –Adventurous_Aide_456.
“So sorry for your loss.”
“You shouldn’t have to deal with that crap with your mom.”
“Go Nc for a while until you have grieved properly.”- Crlady.
“You are a grieving mother who just lost a newborn child.”
“Your own mother’s feelings can take a flying leap, because her cultural beliefs are nothing compared to what you’ve been going through.”
“If she’s not going to help you with the funeral arrangements, then she can shove off.”-AccessibleBeige.
“NTA I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Slow down and think what you want, don’t let her rush you into anything.”
“Take your time.”- Successful_Syrup2503.
‘Anybody who has just lost a child can do whatever they want.”
“May you have people around you who shelter you, who take work off your shoulders, and who understand it is the wrong time to nag you about anything at all.”- Key-Ad-6811.
“Your mom needs to respect your wishes and your timeline.”- kimjong_unsbarber.
“First off, I’m very sorry for your loss.”
“You’re grieving, for crying out loud.”
“You’re trying your hardest to give your baby the funeral she deserves.”
“Having your mother put pressure on you on top of that, must be awful.”
“She should respect you and your decision, no matter how difficult it is.”- Dork86.
“NTA her culture and need to ‘get it over and done with’ does not supersede your need to grieve properly, and she can shut the fuck up about it or pay, like you said.”-Legitimate_Essay_221.
“Oh my god the fact that you have to ask this breaks my heart.”
“F*ck honoring her culture, it is more important that you honor your baby.”
“I genuinely hope you are okay, I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
“Take your time to grieve and don’t mind your parents.”- JustanOrange2021.
It’s not hard to imagine that it might be grief which is causing the OP’s mother to so relentlessly nag her daughter about the funeral.
One can only hope the family will eventually come together, and be there for each other during this sad, sad time.