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Woman Livid After Therapist Discourages Her From Marrying Fiancé Because She Could ‘Do Better’

Photo by Mark Williams/Unsplash

Therapy can be a scary topic.

Far too often feel like it’s a weakness but it’s a strength.

Discussing our mental health struggles is a good thing.

We just have to make sure it’s with the right person.

Case in point…

Redditor therafail wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“AITA for confronting a therapist and threatening to report him after he breached confidentiality?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“Throwaway account… My fiance (36 M[ale]) and I (32 F[emale]) have been together for 5 years, long distance the past two.”

“We recently decided to get married.”

“And although we are very open about our relationship to each other, my fiancé felt he had a very specific set of concerns (regarding his family and his recent fertility diagnosis) that he wanted to speak to a therapist about.”

“Coincidentally, a distant family friend of ours is a highly qualified therapist, in that very field (ie, family and cultural counseling).”

“And while ideally we would have wanted a neutral third party – this friend assured us he will be professional.”

“Where we are, we don’t have a lot of options for good therapy, so we agreed.”

“My fiancé went for around three months, and he says it’s helped a lot.”

“He said, he will soon ask the therapist about some couples sessions that may help too – and I agreed.”

“So far, all was going well.”

“At a dinner party thrown by my family, this therapist was a guest.”

“He took my mom aside and told her that my fiancé has a lot of ’emotional baggage’ and marrying him will be a ‘lot of work’ for me.”

“To be fair, he also said, my fiancé and I are committed to making this work, but as a friend, he thinks i can do better.”

“My mom was alarmed and voiced her concerns to me – hearing from a professional obviously spooked her.”

“She agreed he had breached confidentiality, but is convinced it must’ve have been serious issues about my fiancé that prompted him to.”

“I confronted him, and threatened to report him – and he apologized but again reiterated that I could do better.”

“I’m obviously shaken as this was private conversations between us as a couple, that’s now fodder for my entire family.”

“My fiancé doesn’t know of this, and I’m not sure about telling him as he was finally getting some help after years of mental health issues.”

“My family thinks I’m the a**hole, and I should be grateful to the therapist.”


Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.

It’s a tricky situation.

Let’s hear some thoughts…

“NTA. Tell your fiancé so he can stop going to this a**hole.”

“Report this person. I’m so upset for your fiancé right now I’m seeing red.”  ~ CaptSpacePants

“If he never trusts therapists again, that’s on the therapist.”

“If he never trusts OP again, that’s on OP.”

“Hiding this ‘for his own good’ is infantilizing and the exact opposite of the healthiest thing to do.”

“Hiding it and telling him later is going to make the fallout on his mental health even worse.”

“He’ll learn the timeline.”

“He’ll know she didn’t trust or respect him.”

“He’ll lose his therapist AND his trust in his partner.”

“Even if he was guaranteed not to find out she hid it – it would still be infantilizing, ableist, and not ok.”  ~ AriGryphon

“I would absolutely tell him the truth.”

“Your family will begin treating him differently, even if it’s subtly.”

“Your fiance should know it was nothing he did.”

“Trying to speculate will cause further damage this therapist should NOT have taken your fiancé on as a client for exactly this reason.”  ~ Rascaliest

OP is listening…

“I couldn’t agree more.”

“My fiancé was finally feeling better after years of mental health issues, and then this happens.”

“It’s worse now, because he’s currently going through a crisis and was just telling me he needs more sessions this week.”

“I’m trying my hardest best to get another therapist soon, before I can break the news to my fiancé – don’t want to pull the rug from under him.”

“But I feel like I’m on the clock here.”

“I agree. You owe him this information, OP, as hard and heartbreaking as it will be to tell him.”

“Edit: And please disregard all the comments telling you to report the violation right this second.”

“You must tell your fiancé before you do anything else.”

“Reporting this unethical therapist is the right thing to do.”

“But your fiancé, as the victim here, has to be involved in making that decision.”  ~ Father-Son-HolyToast

“If the goal is to warn others about this therapist’s despicable behavior rather than winning a lawsuit, there are probably actions you can take. “

“Reporting him to whatever governing board his profession has at least puts a note in his file that would give credibility to the next ethics violation someone files.”

“Heck, even leaving a negative Google review (or whatever equivalent you have for searching for local professionals– it doesn’t have to be ultra specific) will at least warn people that this therapist has a lot of negative baggage and prospective patients can ‘do better.'”  ~ The_Krudler

“NTA That is a massive breach of confidentiality that undermines not only his work but his entire profession.”

“You absolutely should report because he is not fit to practice.”  ~ Sk111W

“You’re so right.”

“As someone who’s married to a psychiatrist I find what this therapist did inexcusably unethical.”

“This therapist needs to be reported to his licensing boards immediately.”

“OP says she’s not in the US so I don’t know what the laws are where she is but I feel she and her fiancé should definitely contact a lawyer ASAP.”  ~ ndngroomer

OP came back with some info…

“Edit – To specify why this may not be clear cut – he didn’t divulge any diagnosis or any conversations my fiancé had with him.”

“He threw around vague ‘advice’ like a ‘caring friend’ would.”

“Which makes this ten times worse, because now everyone is speculating about my fiancé, our sex life, whether we’re planning children, is one of us gay/bi etc.”

“And it’s quite frankly embarrassing.”

“I do NOT want this gossiped about, my family is partly to blame too.”


“Edit 2- I’m not in the US, and have explored options with a lawyer.”

“Unfortunately, in my country, I have to go through multiple court hearings, legal fees and prove without a shadow of doubt an ethical violation – ie witnesses, written word etc.”

“And as long as it’s seen as minor (‘no body died right’) this will likely be dismissed.”

“I will speak to my fiancé when he gets back home, and respect what he wishes to do moving forward.”

“Thank you for the inputs.”

“NTA. You HAVE to tell your fiancé; if you don’t, he will keep trusting a guy who has proven not to be trustworthy.”

“And, when he finds out later that the guy’s been blabbing and you knew about it and didn’t tell him, he will never trust YOU again.”

“Beyond that, you need to report this guy asap.”

“What he is doing violates the ethical code he swore to uphold and possibly even breaks laws.”  ~ ProfPlumDidIt

“Your family is wrong, you should 100% report him.”

“Honestly, him being your fiancé’s therapist at all was ethically sketchy.”

“Your therapist is your therapist, your friends are your friends and those two things should not mix.”

“Those boundaries are important and his therapist used the fact that he’s a friend to over step and break confidentiality.”

“It doesn’t matter that he didn’t say anything about a diagnosis, he can’t talk to you about it at all without your fiancé’s written permission.”

“My therapist can’t even confirm that he is my therapist to others without my permission.”

“Definitely tell your partner too.”  ~ waffles_505

“NTA. What the therapist did was absolutely wrong, and they should be reported immediately.”

“A mental health professional should know better than to breach a client’s trust and confidentiality.”

“This is not a friend.”

“I hope you address this with your family and I hope it does not derail your partner’s progress.”  ~ Scared_Weather1672

“NTA. If a therapist can’t maintain confidentiality they have no business being a therapist.”

“It doesn’t matter what the motivation, or what issues are being dealt with.”

“He has stepped way beyond his professional boundaries.”  ~ MumblingMak

Some more tidbits…

“Edit 3 – So, I did some more snooping on this therapist.”

“A lot of people in our mutual friend circle speak highly of him, and says he offered to help them out too – much like he did for us.”

“So this man has a habit of inserting himself in his friends lives in the guise of therapy.”

“And probably gossiping about it later.”

“It’s not entirely black and white, because they all say he helped with their mental health.”

“And to answer a lot of people asking – he’s around 40, with two young kids.”

“I’ve never noticed him harbouring any interest in me, except for when I left high school, he reached out to counsel me regarding college options.”

“Which i thought was considerate at that time.”

“I’m definitely looking into what action can be taken.”

OP did had a chat with her man…

“Edit 4 – Update – I told my fiancé last night.”

“He was upset, but then soldiered on saying ‘Well, it’s all in the open, might as well face it now.'”

“He’s trying to be upbeat, but he is definitely worried about the unwarranted judgements now.”

Sounds like OP has this handled.

And with Reddit’s blessing.

Some people are not always meant for their jobs and careers.

Good luck happy couple.