Secrets are never a good idea in a relationship.
No matter how hard you try secrets and lies always find a way to be heard.
And they tend to be exposed at the most inopportune time.
Case in point…
Redditor Ok_Repair4294 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my wife that I used to date her brother in high school?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“When I (45 M[ale]) was around 14/15 me and another guy on the baseball team ‘Trevor’ started dating secretly as neither of us could have been out as bi or gay back then.”
“Especially playing a sport… It lasted till we were 17 and he moved.”
“I met my wife when I was around 29 and she was 34, but what I didn’t realize was that she was Trevor’s older sister.”
“She was 5 years older and in college and I didn’t spend much time at their house and they had a common last name.”
“So I didn’t realize it till she had me meet her family after I’d gotten her pregnant.”
“It was awkward around Trevor at first but I told him I loved his sister and both of us agreed not to say anything.”
“And me and his sister ended up married.”
“Well my son told me last week that he was doing a cultural heritage project for school and wanted to learn more about my side of the family because I’m Japanese and immigrated over when I was a kid.”
“So I gave him an old box of stuff with some books and antiques too look through.”
“What I didn’t realize was that in one of the books I gave him I left an old photo booth pic of me and Trevor kissing.”
“A little momento from a long time ago that I’d completely forgotten about.”
“He recognized me and his uncle and showed his mom.”
“She started giving me and Trevor the silent treatment over the last few days.”
“I finally got her to talk to me yesterday and she screamed at me saying I wasn’t honest with her and I should have told her.”
“I tried to explain that it wasn’t that big of deal and she cursed at me and says she can’t trust me right now.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“YTA. She isn’t mad that you told her. She’s mad that you DIDN’T tell her.” ~ IKnowFewThings
“This. You had a relationship with her brother. That’s a big deal.”
“You didn’t tell her. YTA.” ~ Typical-Garlic-7308
“Truth is that had OP had a relationship with his wife’s SISTER than he likely would have told his wife as soon as he realized.”
“Not telling his wife about dating her brother feels like OP was hiding his sexuality as well.”
“No matter what his reasoning was, I still think YTA.” ~ Dewhickey76
“And is her brother out? Because if not this isn’t OP’s story to tell.”
“Wife finding out about this without forcing someone one out of the closet requires BOTH brother and husband to be out already.”
“Something few people have bothered to ask about.” ~ Fabianzzz
“While fair, the OP seems to imply that both are out.”
“As they say, ‘it isn’t a big deal.'”
“This seems to imply that, since it isn’t a big deal, that both of them have come out and that it’s already known.”
“If it wasn’t already known, then I’ll take my ‘YTA’ back.”
“But I’m willing to bet that them being bi was already known.”
“Edit: also, the OP says that he was going to say something after they got married.”
“Why even mention that if both people are not out?” ~ IKnowFewThings
“Except by not telling her, OP didn’t let her make an informed decision about what she was marrying into.”
“A healthy relationship requires both parties to know any information that might make them not want to be in it.”
“And everyone knows that ‘has dated my sibling’ is a dealbreaker for most.”
“It’s a difficult situation if he’s closeted – but unless he’s in immediate danger from OP telling his wife, then making sure your wife has informed consent about this huge possible dealbreaker wins out.”
“There’s very little justification for the way this all went:”
“1- If his wife is an awful person who would out someone, OP is stupid for marrying her.”
“2 – If she’s kind and trustworthy, OP’s wrong for not telling her.”
“If it was a huge risk for the brother (e.g. violently homophobic family), OP should have ended things and moved on from this impossible situation.”
“However, I think if ‘he’s closeted and doesn’t want to come out’ was a reason, OP would have listed it to justify not telling his wife.”
“And I don’t mean any of this unkindly – I know how hard it can be come out.”
“I can even empathise with never coming out to your spouse (so long as you’re faithful) in some cases.”
“But hiding having dated someone they’re related to is too far in most situations.” ~ fairy_flora
“YTA. You should have told her when you found out.”
“I don’t think she would have cared about a high school relationship but hiding it just makes it so much worse.”
“Why did you think not telling her until marriage would magically make it okay??!” ~ Subject-Inspection95
“YTA, and really disingenuous she isn’t mad that you f**ked her brother or that you told her because let’s be honest here for once you didn’t tell her.”
“She found out that you had been keeping this secret from her for years.”
“This wouldn’t have had to be a big thing if you had told her within a few days of originally finding out the connection.”
“She has just learned that you have kept this relatively minor secret from her for years and had no plans of telling her.”
“So she rightfully is asking herself what other secrets have you been keeping and are they more impactful.”
“She has no way of trusting you.”
“It is clueless of you to not realize that the issue is the multiyear secret keeping not the actual secret.” ~ferretsmiles
“YTA so you were in a relationship with her brother for 3-4years.”
“I’m assuming if he didn’t move you’d probably still be together.”
“Your son finds a photo of you and him kissing.”
“You might have forgotten about it but it still documents your relationship and depending on the photo might show your love.”
“Looking at the photo your wife will be thinking did you actually love her.”
“Or did you marry her to be close to her brother?”
“You should have told her when you discovered the relationship.”
“Yes you may have done it to protect you and Trevor.”
“But shouldn’t your wife have the choice to make the decision if she wanted to stay or go?” ~ Mum_of_rebels
“Eh. You probably should have told her, and she is entitled to being upset.”
“But… part of this wasn’t your secret to tell.”
“If her brother wasn’t out (even experimentally) to his family, then it would have been massively uncool to out him.”
“You have no idea if, at the time, she would have kept the secret, or what the consequences might have been.”
“Also, I’m not sure it was her business.”
“I have been married 23 years, and my wife and I didn’t discuss who we were ‘with’ before.”
“We didn’t even discuss numbers of people we had sex with, let alone people we ‘just’ dated.”
“The fact that it was her family makes it a little more emotional, but I am going to say NAH.” ~ Himkano
“I get that you didn’t mean any harm by it, but imagine the same scenario without same-sex angle to it: if it had been her younger sister or her best friend.”
“Would you have still kept it a secret?”
“Why wouldn’t you have trusted your wife with that information about your past?”
“Especially if you think it wasn’t a big deal… why would it continue to have been a secret years and years later?”
“And if you didn’t trust her then, why should she trust you now?”
“So yeah, YTA.” ~ DinaFelice
“If it wasn’t a big deal, 16 years ago would have been the time to say so.”
“But it was a big enough deal for you to lie about it.”
“It was a big enough deal for you to discuss with Trevor and make sure he was on the same page about the lie.”
“Lies don’t become less of a big deal the longer you keep them up.”
“They become a bigger deal, in fact.”
“What would have been an uncomfortable conversation 16 years ago is now her realizing someone she implicitly trusted has no problem lying to her.”
“And in fact would lie to her forever if he hadn’t been caught. YTA.” ~ Existing_Moment_2913
Looks like OP has a lot more explaining to do.
Reddit did not mince words.
It’s an unfortunate situation.
Hopefully everyone comes out the other end happy.