Divorce is never a pleasant experience, no matter how “amicable” the couple claims it is.
One of the hardest elements of divorce, is how it affects the extended family of the couple going through it.
While going through an already tumultuous divorce, Redditor life_after_love found herself dealing with acrimony from her soon-to-be former in-laws, in spite of the fact that her marriage was beyond saving.
But concerned she may not have handled the situation as well as she could have, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), asking fellow Redditors:
“AITA for outing my ex as gay to get his mother off my back?”
The OP first revealed what ultimately led to the end of her marriage.
“It’s a long and sucky story, but my (25 F[emale]) soon to be ex (28 M[ale]) is gay and hid that from me.”
“I found out because I caught him cheating and he as much as admitted that he knew he wasn’t attracted to me that way, but he wanted kids and a ‘normal’ life.”
“I don’t care that he’s gay, but I will never forgive him for leading me on so he could use me to have kids, so it’s over, end of story.”
But the OP explained the end of her marriage created a series of unwanted complications with her ex-husband’s family, leading her to behave in a way she later regretted.
“The problem is that his family are fundamentalist nut jobs except for a few members and his mother is the interfering Mother-in-law (MIL) from hell.”
“Not being related to her anymore is another plus to leaving.”
“His family doesn’t believe in divorce, so under the guise of picking up some paperwork and other items I had found that were my ex’s, she cornered me about how I’m being childish and marriage is about commitment, forgiveness, and working through problems, etc.”
“It became apparent that my ex didn’t tell his family that he cheated, he told his mom that I was divorcing him because we weren’t having sex often enough for me.”
“I tried to be patient and explained that he had cheated and that’s why.”
“I wasn’t going to go into greater detail because I know how his parents are and it’s none of their business.”
“MIL’s advice, I kid you not, was that men are just that way and if I wanted to have sex more and for him not to stray that I should make myself more attractive to my husband and be a better wife.”
“I lost the plot completely.”
“It had been a sad and hard day already and that was the last straw.”
“Here’s where I might be the a**hole (AH):”
“I told her that the only thing that would make me more attractive to my ex would be a sex change operation and that I hoped he and his boyfriend adopted her some grandchildren so she could finally shut the hell up about it.”
“Not my finest moment, but she just hit the worst and rawest nerve she could have and I exploded.”
“It’s evidently turned into a huge family drama, he’s probably going to be disowned, and my ex called sobbing that I’ve ruined his life out of spite.”
“I don’t really know how to feel about it.”
“I do feel bad for him that his parents are such awful people and there were just no ‘good’ outcomes for him, but I also feel like he made his own bed here, too.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they felt the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
There was a general consensus the OP outing her ex-husband did not make her the a**hole in this situation.
While Many Redditors didn’t condone the notion of “outing” someone, many felt the OP was in the right in this situation, as, on top of cheating on her, her ex-husband caused her pain and seemingly tried to place the blame on her.
“As a gay person I say NTA.”
“As a general rule I agree with never outing someone.”
“But with one exception.”
“When they are hurting others.”
“A closeted politician doesn’t want to come out because of how it will effect their career? “
“Fine.”
“But once they start supporting anti gay legislation then I’d out the Mother F*cker (MFer) in a heartbeat.”
“In this case he not only hurt you, he was continuing to hurt you.”
“By making you part of his closet he made this your narrative too, not just his.”
“And he then not only cheated but threw you under the bus blaming you for what was undeniably his fault.”
“That wasn’t just wrong of him, it was cruel.”
“And since this is your story now too, thanks to him you have a right to set the record straight.”
“He is the kind of gay person who sets the rest of us back.”
“We have enough lies and stereotypes we have to fight every day.”
“Every group has its assholes, but as gay people the majority of us who aren’t get judged because of the minority who are.”
“His family and the people they know aren’t going to say, well this guy is a jerk for what he did.”
“They are going to say, ‘see, this is what gay people do.'”
“He harms us all with this bullshit.”
“If he wanted to stay in the closet fine.”
“I support his right to.”
“But when someone starts engaging in this kind of crap I lose sympathy for them.”-Cruitire
“NTA.”
“It is a kind and greater good thing to try not to out the person as it can be physically dangerous, but he also hasn’t really earned any kindness from you.”
“He’s the a**hole that A) cheated and then B) lied about the reason why to his parents leading to his mom harassing you.”
“And he’s also the a**hole that was planning on essentially tricking you into a lifelong commitment while he likely would have been cheating the whole time had he not gotten caught now.”
“So yeah you are NTA.”
“Edit: I’m surprised this is an unpopular opinion. Huh. I still strongly do not believe you’re the a**hole.”- mountainmonk72
“NTA.”
“You already know: action has consequences.”
“He lied to you to have a ‘normal’ life.”
“He cheated on you.”
“He lied again to his family about the reason for the divorce and made you the villain.”
“So it’s on him for how it went.”
“Like you said: he made his own bed.”
“Feel sorry for him but that’s it.”
“He is in this situation because of his own actions.”- Responsible_Judge007
“NTA.”
“Being gay may bring you more struggles in a conservative environment but absolutely NOTHING validates hurting and belittling someone and casting blame upon them for your faults.”
“He cheated on you. His fault.”
“He lied to his family. His fault.”
“He knew who his family was better than you did.”
“It’s his fault for not being proactive about the situation.”
“Life doesn’t care about how long it takes you to accept who you are.”
“The world doesn’t stop spinning so you can figure it out.”
“He should have talked with you and developed some kind of plan for dealing with this fallout.”
“You were upset he was cheating, not that he was gay.”
“If he had admitted to his fault, you would have probably been an ally right now.”
“He didn’t. So you aren’t.”
“You told the absolute truth and and nothing but that.”
“That is HIS FAULT.”
“Outing someone out of spite is vile.”
“Setting the record straight when you are being slandered isn’t.”
“This man couldn’t even give you an honest relationship.”
“Why the f*ck do you owe him anything?”
“His life is falling apart because he’s a dishonest cheating bastard.”
“Not because he’s gay.”- ClaymoreClair
“As a bi woman, I want to make clear that under a majority of circumstances I would be against you.”
“This is one case that warrants an exception.”
“To use someone the way he used you is one of the most disgusting and manipulative things you can do to someone.”
” And then to blame you after and let you be harassed- you were backed into a corner.”
“NTA.”
“Hopefully now he won’t look for some other poor woman to prey on.”
While there were a handful of people who did heavily criticize the OP for outing her ex-husband, they still tended to take her side after she revealed a bit more of their history.
“There is almost no chance of violence, his family are fundies but not violent ones, they’re more of the Mormon shunning type.”
“One of his cousins came out and left the church and after the initial protests they all just stopped talking to him and basically treated him as if he were dead until he was ready to repent or whatever.”
“They’re passive aggressive, repressed, and weird as all get out, but the chances of anyone physically hurting him are extremely low.”
“He’s not financially dependent on them and has a more than decent job, so he can support himself easily if they kick him out.”
“He’s known he was gay since before he met me, so this wasn’t a new discovery or admission to himself.”
“He has a boyfriend that he’s been dating since six months before we were married.”
“I went through his computer after catching them in the act and kicking him out and found messenger logs and other evidence going back to before he started dating me.”
“He literally set this up so he could have the nice Mormon family on the surface to keep his family happy.”
“That’s it.”
“He never loved me at all, I was just the first girl to express a sustained interest.”
It’s a shame that being who he truly is could cause apparently irreparable damage with his family.
But trying to use the OP, his wife, as a scapegoat was never going to end well for anyone involved.
There will undoubtedly be a considerable amount of healing needed for everyone in this unfortunate situation.