Most of us have a solid appreciation for gifts, whether it’s receiving them or giving them to the people we love the very most.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean that we want to be involved in other people’s gift-giving, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor k8l12 was frustrated when her boyfriend directly involved her in the planning of a surprise vacation for his parents, including arranging the airfare, hotel room, and some other amenities.
But when he also wanted her to assist in paying for the trip, the Original Poster (OP) thought that was asking entirely too much of her.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not wanting to evenly split a gift (of airfare and a hotel room) for my boyfriend’s parents?”
The OP was surprised when she was expected to help pay for her boyfriend’s parents’ trip.
“So as a gift, my (24 female) boyfriend (29 male) and his 3 siblings have decided to plan a family vacation for their parents’ big anniversary.”
“They are paying for their parents’ portion of the trip (airfare and hotel room) and want to split that evenly with me, as well.”
“This adds up to around $300 extra per person, when I’m already spending nearly $1,000 on my own part of the trip.”
The OP thought it was too much to ask at this point in the relationship.
“I have only met his parents a handful of times. While it’s nice they’ve included me in this so soon, I don’t feel I should have to spend $300 on people I barely know.”
“The siblings are all in tech and have much higher salaries than me, so I’d be struggling more to do something that feels unnecessary as just the girlfriend and not as one of their children.”
The OP tried to arrange an alternate solution but to no avail.
“I talked to my boyfriend and offered $100 towards it instead.”
“He said both he and his sisters think that’s rude and shows ‘poor character,’ and one even suggested to him it means I don’t take the relationship seriously or care to get closer with his family.”
“I offered to just not go at all, but that got an even worse reaction, like it would be even more insulting.”
“AITA for not wanting to pay?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the boyfriend and siblings were trying to get out of paying.
“Pretty cheap of them to try and stick you with the bill. Big red flag!” – IHYeti23
“Dump him already. He’s accusing you of being cheap because you don’t want to pay for his parents’ vacation.”
“You don’t know them, nor are you obligated to give them a gift the same as their actual children. She’s actually a guest paying her own way and should not be included in their spending choices at all.”
“They and the boyfriend are cheap and trying to pawn off their choice of gift onto you as if you had any say in the matter. NTA.” – babcot27
“It’s weird for sure. Why would the partners of the kids give their partner’s parents a gift like this?!? No one, that’s what! They’re cheapos.” – SilverRoseBlade
“It’s not ‘nice.’ They included OP, and they included OP to cut their own costs down. Brutal.” – Nolan358
“NTA. Your bf and siblings are either cheap or ignorant. Not everyone can spend $300. Heck, I haven’t spent that much money on my own parents.”
“Plus, if your bf sees this long-term, there will be more opportunities for you to contribute when you have officially BECOME part of the family.”
“I’d tell him about your financial situation, about how awkward it is to spend that much on people you are still getting to know. His response would tell you where this is going/what type of person he is.” – diosmiotio18
Others agreed and said the OP wasn’t the one with “poor character.”
“The people with poor character are the BF and siblings, not OP. It’s that simple.” – JuryNo7670
“OP does not say if the other siblings’ SOs (significant others) are contributing or if they are married or just together as SOs.”
“Doesn’t matter, but to me asking a GF to contribute a significant amount (in her mind and for her income) is concerning.” – SnooPeripherals2409
“This is weird. NTA. I wonder if OP will be considered ‘one of the kids’ when it comes to inheritance. Will she receive equally big gifts for all events? Probably not.”
“They want her to be ‘part of the family’ when it saves them money.”
“OP needs to just tell him that she’ll get the parents a different gift and that the trip should just be from their kids.” – crystallz2000
“NTA, but your boyfriend is okay with calling your offer ‘rude’ and demonstrative of ‘poor character.’ Is that someone you REALLY want to be with?” – Johnny-Fakehnameh
“How is this either ‘rude’ or demonstrative of ‘poor character’? The siblings are buying a gift for their parents. Is he also buying an equally expensive gift for your parents? If not, can that also be considered rude and showing HIS poor character?”
“NTA.” – Snickerdoodle2021
“NTA. They expect you to put their vacation before your own needs. I wouldn’t go and tell your boyfriend that if he cares more about how much money you can give and your ‘poor character’ over you taking care of yourself then he needs to get his priorities straight.”
“My boyfriend and I went on a trip with my family and I knew he was struggling with money so I paid the majority of it. He’s paid me back little by little in his own ways and that’s how it should be.”
“You help each other in a relationship and for him and his siblings to expect that of you is disrespectful.” – Flower_Child444
Some agreed with the OP that this was a big ask.
“If $300 is seen to be inconsequential, they wouldn’t be pressuring OP to pony up a share.”
“OP has no responsibility to share on a parent’s anniversary gift for a BF or fiancé unless she’s already become really close to the BF’s parents so that they’re like her own parents/life friends.”
“It’s actually creepy and too close for OP to be donating to the BF’s family’s living expenses at this stage. If one of the BF’s sisters plans a wedding, is she supposed to chip in for the expenses?”
“The BF’s and siblings’ request for money from OP is inappropriate. They’re clearly trying to take advantage of her.” – rhetorical_twix
“I feel like it’s pretty normal to get your significant other’s parents gifts if you have a good relationship with them.”
“But the gift comes from you and you get to decide what you want to give and how much you want to spend. Demanding a $300 pitch for a gift for their parents is insane.”
“My brother, his wife, and I have split the cost of more expensive items for our parents, but we don’t all pay equally. My brother and his wife paid a lot more when I was in school and they had jobs. I don’t know and don’t care how they split their share of the cost between them.” – stateofgrace17
“I would still think it bizarre to pitch in for a partner’s parents’ gift (unless it was something specifically coming from my hypothetical partner and me) whether it was $300 or $30.” – angelicism
“I’d have a MAJOR problem with this if it were my SO. You’re not their kid. You have your own parents with your own celebrations.”
“I bet all of the BF’s siblings won’t want to be a part of that. What they’re asking is kind of unhinged.” – Glitterasaur
“I’m the only single person in an extended family of 5 cousins plus my sister and parents as well as some aunts and uncles. Every time we do a combined gift, each party contributes the same… while I‘m the only single-income household.”
“When it comes to Christmas I used to buy presents for everyone including their kids, which was about 17 people while I received gifts from 5 families. Eventually, we stopped this, but I did realize how much I spent over Christmas and how little I received and it became an issue for me.”
“So, depending on the family dynamics split by family instead of person can be very unfair to single people.”
“Anyway in this scenario OPs is not in a long-term relationship and should not be forced to spend as much as the children.”
“In this kind of situation, I usually did not participate in the larger present made by the children but got something smaller as a present myself, since the relationship was not at a stage where I would consider myself as part of the family yet. NTA.” – lion2652
While the OP thought it was nice for her boyfriend and his family to invite her along on the family vacation, the subReddit didn’t agree if that meant having to chip in unnecessarily.
The sub agreed that the financial arrangements should be limited to the children, rather than also cornering a boyfriend or girlfriend who was coming along.