There are few items more precious to a bride than their wedding dress.
Even if the chances of them ever wearing them a second time are slim to none, it is nonetheless an important reminder of what was hopefully the happiest day of their lives, passing it on for their own daughter to wear.
Nor does a wedding dress have to be especially fancy or elaborate to please a bride. What's important is that wearing it makes her feel happy.
The soon-to-be sister-in-law of Redditor cheapsil was having trouble finding a wedding dress, specifically one which made her happy that she could afford.
Luckily, she came up with a solution to her problem, which would require a little help from the original poster (OP).
Help that the OP flat out refused to give, angering her brother and his fiancé.
Wondering if she was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not letting my SIL use my wedding dress for her wedding even though she can't afford one?"
The OP shared how she felt her brother's fiancé set her expectations too high in hoping she would help her with her wedding.
"My (28 F[emale]) younger brother (24 M[ale]) and his fiancée (23 F) are supposed to get married in the spring after being engaged for about a year."
"My younger brother has always been the golden child between the both of us to my mom (not to my dad)."
"Him and his fiancée currently live with her, rent-free might I add."
"My dad and I, on the other hand, have mixed feelings about this wedding."
"We both feel like my brother is rushing into things and not being financially smart."
"He just finished his bachelor program a year ago, is still trying to get on his feet and find a good full-time job in his field, and decides to spend thousands of dollars on a wedding?"
"We sat him down and explained this to him and asked him what the rush was?"
"Why not push it off for a few years and save up so you guys can really have the wedding of your dreams?"
"He explained to us that his fiancée wants the wedding as soon as possible and doesn't want to wait."
"Well, his fiancée's family is pitching in a couple thousand for the wedding, and my dad reluctantly is pitching in a couple thousand as well (all important later)."
"Well, a few nights ago I'm eating dinner with my husband when I get a call from my future SIL."
"Convo starts our normal 'hey how are you?', 'sh*tty weather we're having' etc etc, until she tells me she has a serious question to ask me."
The SIL got right to the point.
"She asks me if she can use my wedding dress, that I wore to my wedding JUST OVER A YEAR AGO."
"She explains that she can't afford one herself, that she absolutely LOVES mine, and that it would be her 'something borrowed.'"
"I immediately shut her down and said I'm sorry, but no, this is a THOUSANDS of dollars dress we're talking about that she'd have to get altered to fit her btw too, so no way."
"We're also not even close at all and barely talk, so like wtf?"
"She starts begging and even starts CRYING and going on about how she can't afford one."
"I told her I'm sorry, but no."
This did not sit will with the future SIL.
"She then starts going on about how I'm not even financially helping her and my brother pay for the wedding, so the least I can do is let her use my dress."
"I told her the honest truth, that I think they're rushing into having a wedding and not being financially smart."
"She said she didn't care, she has a timeline and wants to be married by 25."
"I basically said to her that she made her bed so now she has to lie in it, and figure it out herself, and if she can't afford her WEDDING DRESS, then she should be having a wedding."
"Simple as that."
"She ran back to my mom and my brother to tell them what I said."
"They think I'm an AH because I have the money to help my brother and his fiancée financially, but I'm being 'selfish' and 'unsupportive.'"
"They also think, 'it's just a dress, so what's the big deal.'"
"My dad is on my side and defending me and is now thinking of taking back his financial help due to the sheer audacity of my brother's fiancée asking me such a thing."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community wholeheartedly agreed that the OP was not at all the a**hole for refusing to lend her wedding dress to her brother's fiancé.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely correct in believing that a wedding dress was not just something you lend out and that her brother and his fiancé were taking far too much advantage of other people's generosity to fund their wedding.
"NTA."
"Who pays for their sibling's wedding? Come on now."
"If my brothers wanted to get married, I would tell them congrats, and I'll see you on your big day?"
"Like, who asks anyone to contribute to their party?"
"Please don't give these people a dime."
"She has a terrible timeline planned, so now she gets to have a cheap wedding."- Strange-Courage
"NTA."
"She asked, and you said no, she should have left it there."
"I would have stuck to the 'no, you can't, no, I don't want to lend it out or no, I'm not paying money for your wedding.'"
"I hate when people assume others have money and it should be spent on them."
"She should look for a dress in her budget: thrift shop, online sellers, David's Bridal."
"She doesn't need a dress for thousands of dollars."
"I would keep it focused on it's your dress. You said no and don't need to explain why she can't borrow it."
"Also, that their wedding is not something you should or will fund."- travelkmac
"NTA."
"If she has to alter the dress, you'll never be able to wear it again."
"If you do lend it to her, you'll probably never see it again cuz she'll give the excuse that it doesn't even fit you right anymore."
"Do not let this woman anywhere near your dress."- Foxdenfreude
"NTA."
"Tell her to use a sack of flour as a dress if she wants to get married so badly."
"The entitlement, Jesus f*cking Christ."- kourier6
"NTA."
"For every single reason, you just stated."
"I would NOT let her borrow that dress."
"How f*cking rude."
"No is a complete sentence. You owe no one an explanation, you are allowed boundaries, and she overstepped."
"Impact over the intention."
"You are free to choose what you think is best and take care of yourself."- contessalynn_art
"NTA."
"That's your own very personal expensive dress."
"The audacity to ask you to let her alter it and use it for her wedding, especially so close to yours."
"I'm glad your dad also has some common sense and that he's got your back."
"Sounds like your SIL is rushing your brother here."
"Is this even what he wants?"
"Stand your ground."
"Absolutely NTA."- Coy_Koi9
"NTA."
"If you don't want to that is up to you. It's your dress after all, and just because you have the money to help someone doesn't mean you are obligated to do so."
"Her motives for getting married are also weird."
"Like she doesn't want to get married just because she is in love with him, she has a timeline?"
"There's a time for things, and if she can't afford it, she either scales down the wedding, so it is affordable... or wait."
"Another note, there are tons of beautiful second-hand dresses she could look at." - InvisibleAngst
"NTA."
"You have no obligation to give her your wedding dress."
"Her pressuring you is an AH move."- trekie88
"NTA."
"Weddings can occur without extreme expense."
"Literally, the cost of the marriage license is all that's required."
"If they want a big, expensive wedding, they need to wait until they can afford it."
"If they cannot afford the wedding they envision, then they need to alter their vision."
"There are many consignment shops, thrift stores, and other resale shops like Goodwill that carry wedding dresses that are in good shape for less than $100."
"There are also places that rent wedding dresses."
"The least you can do is nothing, which, if I were you, nothing is exactly what I would do."
"Your mom and brother are personally invested in supporting your brother's immature, demanding, entitled fiancé, so they should definitely spend their money to buy her a wedding dress."
"Hope your soon-to-be-married brother wakes up to the life he will have if he marries his fiancée before it is too late."
"Next thing you know, they will be demanding someone buy them a home or a car because they want one and don't want to wait."
"Better to bring their entitlement to a screeching halt."
"If they cannot even afford to live alone, it is ridiculous to expect others to fund a lavish wedding."-Gladtobealive2020
Many brides like to incorporate "something borrowed."
Though, borrowing a wedding dress seems a bit of a stretch.
And if she has to make numerous alterations to make it fit, does that even count as borrowing?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp