Sometimes people really need to read the room.
Especially when it comes to difficult or sad situations.
Not everybody can handle every discussion when they’re in certain aspects of life.
Case in point…
Redditor Throwaway379200 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my SIL to stop talking about her miscarriage?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (37 M[ale]) wife (37 F[emale]) is pregnant with our first bio child.”
“We tried to have a baby in our 20s, went through fertility treatments, and nothing worked.”
“This pregnancy was a huge surprise and is a high-risk pregnancy.”
“My wife is 20 weeks now.”
“My brother and S[ister] I[n] L[aw] have 3 kids (aged 5 – 8).”
“SIL was pregnant again this summer and had a miscarriage at 21 weeks.”
“They were obviously devastated and we felt awful for them.”
“My SIL talks about her miscarriage a lot, which is understandable.”
“But it has been making my wife really anxious so I first asked my brother if they (he and SIL) can just stop bringing the miscarriage up in front of my wife.”
“He said sure, and stopped, but SIL didn’t.”
“So I asked her too, and she said that she will try.”
“She didn’t stop.”
“Yesterday they came to visit us with the kids to stay a couple of days for Halloween.”
“At lunch, my SIL said to my wife 20 weeks now huh, I remember feeling the baby at 20 weeks.”
“Sadly we lost him at 21.”
“And my wife had a panic attack.”
“We (wife and I) left the room, and I came back 30 minutes later and just lost it at my SIL.”
“I told her to just for once shut the hell up about her miscarriage.”
“I feel like an a**, really.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I’m going with NTA, if it wasn’t for her remark about ‘I remember at 20, but we lost him at 2.’ I’d maybe be on the fence.”
“But this feels like she’s doing it intentionally, pregnancy is difficult enough already without someone trying to make it more stressful for that person.”
“It’s fine to talk about your past, and even to dwell on it and feel the sting.”
“But that doesn’t mean you get to try to make someone else feel that way.” ~ elcasinoroyale
“It may be my brain immediately jumping to the worst possible conclusion.”
“But I can’t help but wonder if maybe SIL is doing this on purpose, hoping OP’s wife will get a miscarriage too so they can both feel the same pain or something.” ~ Endereye96
“Definitely, going low contact with the SIL is the best option here.”
“It sounds like OP’s brother is understanding the situation pretty well and is steering clear of distressing topics.”
“I can give the benefit of the doubt to SIL, and say that her grief is making her utterly obtuse about how inappropriate her words are.”
“If she can’t get her mind off the subject of her terrible loss, then maybe she shouldn’t be around OP’s wife.”
“Nor any other pregnant people, until she has processed her loss and is more like herself.”
“Maybe being around pregnancy triggers her grief, the same way her recounting the miscarriage triggers fear in someone who’s pregnant.”
“It’s time to remove EVERYONE’S triggers, at least temporarily.” ~ Either_Coconut
“I doubt she is doing it deliberately.”
“And who knows she may already be in therapy.”
“Therapy isn’t a pill that just stops the pain.”
“It can take years to recover.”
“No it’s not fair on mum to be but acting without compassion and understanding is also not on.”
‘Maybe the best solution would be to stop seeing them for a while to let both sides recover.”
“I can’t imagine how hard it must be to see OP’s wife pregnant and now at the same stage as her after what she just went through.” ~ Rorosi67
“My brain went here too.”
“SIL knows it’s a high-risk pregnancy.”
“She has been asked to stop.”
“She continues to try to stress the pregnant wife so she also has a miscarriage so they can be miscarriage friends.”
“I don’t think it’s a deliberate thought.”
“I think it’s subconscious.”
“I don’t think SIL is a monster.”
“I think she needs lots of therapy.”
“I think it’s fair to go no contact for your wife until after delivery or therapy takes root.”
“I go NTA, because her actions are so much worse than you yelling at her.”
“But, though your response was understandable, it was a bit over the top.”
“She is also in pain. However.”
“She caused you and your wife stress and pain that could go badly.”
“So, I guess justifiable a**hole.” ~ Right-Mark5041
“I don’t even think it’s subconsciously looking for a ‘miscarriage friend’ situation.”
“I think it’s more (again, entirely on the subconscious level), ‘I say this, and people get upset. So I can turn their upset into validation of how horrible what I went through is, and get further sympathy as a result.'”
“She’s not thinking about OP’s wife at all.”
“At this point – SIL is just thinking, somewhere in the back of her brain, “What gets people upset about what I went through so I’m not being upset alone?'”
“But still NTA, OP.”
“SIL should have respected the boundaries you very clearly set, and more to the point, what she’s doing isn’t healthy for her.”
“I’d honestly suggest that OP call SIL and say ‘I’m sorry for yelling. I know this is a hard time for you, and I understand the yelling doesn’t help.'”
“‘Thing is, this is hard for my wife too, and since being in the same room is hard for you both, which also makes it hard on everyone else, I think we need to cut contact for a while.'”
“‘Maybe you should try to talk this out with a professional because watching my wife’s pregnancy the way you are is not going to help you no matter how it pans out.'”
“The calm tone and actual concern for her emotional state takes any accusations of ‘being unreasonable’ out the window.”
“Unless she doubles down after that, in which case, all bets are off.” ~ Thess514
“There’s no way this is unintentional.”
“I feel for people who have miscarriages. I really do, but anyone with a semi-functioning brain knows you don’t discuss miscarriages with someone who is expecting.”
“That’s like talking about a plane crash to someone as you take them to the airport.”
“You have your painful life experiences and you are more than entitled to feel everything you feel for them.”
“But constantly bringing this up to an expectant mother is just cruel, vicious, and repulsive and really takes away a lot of empathy I’d normally feel for someone who experienced this.”
“One or two slip-ups is understandable- it’s a big thing and in general talking about it is healthy and can be cathartic… but seriously choose your audience.”
“NTA- and honestly I’d flat out ban her from your home/events until your baby arrives.”
“She’s not worth the drama and your wife does not need this.”
“I understand this would be difficult especially with the holidays coming up, but she’s made it pretty obvious she’s either too oblivious (which I seriously doubt), just doesn’t care, or is actively trying to push your wife to experience this for herself.”
“Her reason doesn’t matter – she’s proven you can’t trust her around your wife during the pregnancy.”
“There will be people who say you’re overreacting, will say you’re causing trouble or whatever but that is irrelevant.”
“Your focus is on your wife and your child- none of the rest matters right now and SIL and the rest need to understand that.”
“If you can get time to talk to SIL and can manage it without losing your temper (I couldn’t) talk to her and ask her how she would have fleet during her pregnancy if someone kept talking about miscarriages.”
“Tell her you know she’s been through a lot and you care and you want to help anyway you can but right now you are doing everything you can to keep your wife from having to experience the same loss she did.”
“Tell her you know she’s not doing it intentionally but her constantly bringing this up with your wife could end up stressing her out enough to where this happens.”
“Whatever you do you are most definitely NTA.”
“Good luck OP.” ~ acegirl1985
“OP is NTA.”
“I didn’t need to even go that far… SIL should have shut up when she was asked the first time.”
“OP’s wife is certainly aware of the miscarriage and is in a high-risk pregnancy.”
“She doesn’t need to be constantly reminded of the risks.”
“I’m sure she’s already quite nervous in these earlier months.”
“I think the SIL is simply being mean and thoughtless… or something more sinister as others have posted.”
“Not that difficult to stop talking about something in the presence of certain people.” ~ rainyhawk
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
As tragic as it is for your brother and SIL, you are putting your family first.
Hopefully, you’ll all be able to look back at this and move forward.