When blended families first move in together, adjustments must be made.
As one side of this new family’s normal routine might be completely different than the others.
Some of these adjustments are used fairly easily with the passage of time.
Some necessary changes, however, might pose possibly insurmountable problems.
A recent Redditor recently moved in with her fiancée.
Everything seemed to be going well until the original poster (OP)’s fiancé discovered a problem every time his daughter came to stay with them.
Prompting the OP’s fiancé to make an immediate change to their living arrangement.
A change the OP flatly refused to make.
Wondering if she was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to give up my dog for my fiancé’s allergic daughter?”
The OP explained why her fiancé’s ultimatum was an absolute no-go for her:
“I (34 F[emale]) have a golden retriever, Max.”
“He’s been with me for seven years, and he’s more than a pet—he’s family.”
“My fiancé, Tim (37 M[ale]), recently moved in with his 9-year-old daughter, Emily.”
“Emily is severely allergic to dogs.”
“Not the ‘take a Benadryl and you’re fine’ kind—she breaks out in hives and has serious breathing issues.”
“Tim knew I had Max from the start, and when we were dating, he swore it wouldn’t be a problem because they didn’t live with me.”
“But now that they’ve moved in, it’s a constant issue.”
“Emily’s allergy flares up every time she’s here, and now Tim’s demanding I rehome Max ‘for her safety’.”
“I’ve suggested every compromise I can think of… keeping Max out of her room, constant deep cleaning, investing in air purifiers, even boarding Max part-time when Emily is over.”
“But none of it is good enough.”
“Tim says I need to ‘put Emily first’ and get rid of Max completely.”
“He also made it clear that if I don’t, we might need to rethink the wedding.”
“I told him flat-out that I’m not rehoming Max.”
“I love Tim and Emily, but Max is family, and I’m not dumping him like an old piece of furniture.”
“Tim says I’m selfish and ‘not ready to be a stepmom’.”
“His family has piled on, saying I’m prioritizing a dog over a child, and now I’m the villain of the week.”
“My friends are split—some agree with me, others think I’m being heartless.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP shouldn’t have to rehome Max but was fairly divided on whether or not she was the a**hole in this situation:
Some felt that Tim was out of line for demanding the OP rehome Max, as he should have considered Emily’s allergy earlier.
Some felt the OP should have taken into consideration as well, with many only agreeing with him in that the OP should, indeed, reconsider if this wedding was a good idea:
“NTA for not giving up the dog, but you guys shouldn’t have moved in together.”
“I don’t see how it would work out.”
“When I started dating my husband, I lived alone with my dog and my cat.”
“I told him we were a package deal.”
“It was all 3 of us, or none of us because I commit to pets for their whole lives.”
“That worked for me, but my husband didn’t have an allergic child from a previous relationship.”-lmchatterbox
“NTA.”
“it says a lot to me that he moved in with OP.”
“My guess is he did know how bad her allergies are, but he likes OP’s living situation more than his own and was hoping to strong-arm OP to get his way.”
“This is not a good look for him either way.”
“Here are the scenarios:”
“A dad who is so clueless he has no idea how bad his daughter’s allergies are.”
“A dad willing to disrupt his daughter’s life by moving in with someone (instead of having OP move in with him), and having that new environment be a hazard to her health.”
“A partner willing to put his daughter’s well-being at risk just to get his way.”
“Any one of these would be a deal breaker for me.”
“By any chance, is your financial situation pretty stable?”
“Do you have a decent amount of career success?”
“I don’t want to jump to him using yo,u OP, but damn this does not seem like a guy you should spend your life with.”- Rich_Restaurant_3709
“NTA.”
“I agree with Tim.”
“It is time to rethink the wedding.”
“He is not putting his child first over your dog. He is putting his child first over you.”
“As a father, he is entitled to do that.”
“He is not entitled to the ‘my way or the highway’ act.”
“As a partner, you are free to evaluate if that is the life you want in a marriage.”
“The other way to look at this is to remove the conflict from the picture and look at his actions.”
“He moved into your home.”
“Now he is unilaterally making demands.”
“That is a red-flag.”- WhereWeretheAdults
While some had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or Tom, feeling that this was an issue they were both well aware of and should have taken into account before moving in together:
“Y’all were both kind of delusional to think this wouldn’t be an issue tbh.”
“Like would you date someone with a kid if you were staunchly child-free?”
“No (unless you’re either an idiot or cruel), you’d find someone that matches your life.”
“There was never going to be a happy compromise when her allergies are that bad.”
“You both should have known that.”
“You both should be rethinking marriage as you aren’t compatible.”
“Your dog is family to you, and as it isn’t fair for his daughter to suffer, it isn’t fair for you to have to give your dog up.”
“That’s where you are now: either she’s gonna suffer because of allergies, which means he’s gonna suffer, and in turn you will, or you give your dog up and resent him and her for it, in turn leading to suffering, or you break up, which in turn, you guessed it, leads to suffering.”
“Y’all really should have thought this through.”
“So NTA for not wanting to give up your dog, but ESH (minus daughter and dog) on the whole for getting yourselves in this mess.”- Aidyn_the_Grey
“ESH for not breaking up.”
“He got his family to go after you, but you also need to get real about the situation.”
“Either your dog goes, or your fiancé goes.”
“There’s no way to compromise on this because his daughter’s health is at risk.”
“This is an irreconcilable difference and the two of you need to stop pushing the other to concede and just break up.”
“I know that’s dramatic, but I don’t see another option.”
“They could move out until Max dies, but that still means you can’t EVER have a dog again.”
“Your stepdaughter won’t just disappear after she turns 18.”
“She might live at home through college or stay for long vacations.”
“What if she has kids and they’re also allergic?”
“Will you effectively just ban them from your house by having a dog?”
“Would your fiancé be okay with that?”
“Are you fine with never having a dog again?”
“I get how much you love Max, and if I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t give him away either.”
“But I would also break up with my fiancé.”
“It’s not fair for you to expect him to be ok with his daughter’s suffering.”
“It’s not fair for him to expect you to dump your dog and not have any resentment or sadness about it.”
“I couldn’t be with someone after they made me give up my pet.”
“I think the resentment would just eat away at my feelings for them.”
“Maybe you could move on, but situations like these rarely work out long term.”- Smol-Angry-Potato
“ESH.”
“WTF did the two of you think was going to happen?”
“Did you plan out anything at all?”
“Why would you date, let alone get engaged to, a man with a daughter who’s severely allergic to your furry ‘familymember’?”
“Why would he date and get engaged to a woman with a dog while his child is severely allergic?”
“Did the two of you even discuss this at any time during your relationship?”
“Like, at all?”
“Also, you thinking this can be solved by all those ‘compromises’ you mentioned is at least naive, possibly delusional.”
“That girl can not be around a dog, period.”
“The two are mutually exclusive.”
“Same for him thinking you can just give up the dog; delusional.”
“Pick the dog, and learn to think about who you date (and even get engaged to, wtf) next time.”
“Ffs.”- ViewDifficult2428
Beginning a blended family takes some adjusting.
Some adjusting from both sides.
From the sound of it, Tim isn’t willing to consider a life that includes Max, and the OP isn’t willing to consider a life without him.
A possibly insurmountable hurdle that may very well result in a canceled wedding…