Parents only want the best for their children.
While this doesn’t mean they should live above their means to provide them only the finer things in life, it means that they will always go the extra effort to make sure they’re happy.
Divorced or separated parents might make even more of an effort to compensate for their broken family.
Redditor coparentthrowaw5 and his ex-girlfriend seemed to have a good arrangement to raise their daughter despite no longer being together.
But when the original poster (OP) noticed an upsetting change in their daughter’s appearance every time she returned from visiting her mother, he and his wife decided a change was necessary.
But after being scolded by his ex-girlfriend, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for sending my daughter home in cheap clothes?”
The OP first shared how after noticing an upsetting pattern each time he saw his daughter after her time with her mother, he and his wife made a change as to what she would bring with her during those visits.
“I (35 M[ale]) have a daughter Kiki (7 F[emale]) with my ex girlfriend Yvonne (34 F) and have 50/50 shared custody.”
“Every time Yvonne sends Kiki back home to me she is in dingy old clothes.”
“They are either too small & cut so she can fit them, stained, have holes, too big, not weather appropriate, long sleeves in the summer. etc, and her shoes are always filthy.”
“I know Yvonne makes less money than me, which is why we have an agreed upon amount of money I send her monthly for Kiki’s expenses.”
“My wife Sara (30 F) also came up with the idea that I just cover Kiki’s childcare/education expenses since it won’t break the bank for us and that way Yvonne can just use all the money I send her for Kiki.”
“We didn’t want to send Kiki home in the clothes her mom sent her in so we started sending her home in clothes we purchased.”
“She would always send her home with the outfit ruined.”
“Sara’s mom bought Kiki some cute new shoes and Kiki begged to wear them to her mom’s.”
“She was sent home in another raggedy outfit, with the shoes completely ruined and muddy.”
“Yvonne said they went to the park in them.”
“Sara was pissed so she went & bought a bunch of clothes from stores like Rainbow, H&M, Walmart etc & we sent those over there so if they’re ruined it will not matter and she can keep all her nice clothes here.”
“Yvonne called us petty and said keeping tabs on clothes and shopping at ‘cheap stores to send to mommy’s house’ is offensive to Kiki and creating a toxic environment.”
“I just don’t want my daughter walking around looking a mess when she doesn’t have to.”
“It’s embarrassing and I know it doesn’t make Kiki feel good.”
“I feel like keeping all her quality stuff and favorite outfits here preserves them so she has it.”
“She doesn’t know the difference between the clothes quality and just sees the designs.”
“But Reddit am I really being selfish and petty?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for changing the style of clothes their daughter returned to their mother in.
Many found it disturbing that Yvonne seemed to notice the cheaper brands after sending Kiki back to her father in damaged nice clothes, with many wondering if she was actually using any of the money the OP fave her for childcare on Kiki, with some even wondering if a court employee should be brought in.
“Yvonne, I think, purposely sees to it that the new clothes you send Kiki in are ruined.”
“Now she’s mad because you are sending Kiki to her in clothes where it won’t matter if they are ruined or not.”
“She’s the AH.”- ChapSteve711
“Start keeping a photographic record of your kid when she arrives.”
“If you’re giving money for her needs, there’s no reason for her to be ragged and dirty all the time.”
“There may be misuse of the money you send as well as neglect involved.”
“Keep your daughter safe man.”- NatashOverWorld
“You are sending her to her mother’s in new, clean, well-fitting clothes.”
“Whether they are from Walmart or not is immaterial.”
“If anything, spending money on expensive clothes for a 7 year old is throwing it down the drain due to how quickly they grow.”
“Your ex needs to spend the child support money on her child to ensure that she is well cared for.”
“Sending her in ill-fitting, inappropriate clothing is not doing that.”
“She is creating her own toxic environment and then throwing a shit fit about it.”- walnutwithteeth
“NTA Children are rough on clothing.”
“I don’t know what Rainbow is but Walmart, Target and H&M have decent clothing for children so I don’t know what your ex girlfriend is complaining about.”
“Does she expect you to shop at Nordstroms for a seven year old.”- penguin_squeak
“TIL H&M is a cheap store.”
“There’s really nothing with the stores you mentioned and a child, esp. that age, doesn’t need expensive clothes anyway, so long as they’re proper.”
“Yvonne is being petty.”
“It’s down to her to buy for her home just as its down to you to buy for yours.”
“She’s just being selfish and she’s the one who’s causing harm to your wee one.”
“Of she’s coming home in dirty, stinky ill fitting clothes maybe you should look at getting full custody as I would think that’s classed as abuse from her mother.”
“Not 100% sure it would be classed as abuse maybe speak to a solicitor.”- Sensitive_Raccoon_24
“So you pay Yvonne directly to buy her clothes but she doesn’t and Kiki, understandably, can’t keep them clean herself, of course it makes sense to have new clothes in good repair that are cheaper brands.”
“And it certainly makes a better impression on other kids and teachers to have cheaper brands but clean and newish than tatted and dirty designer clothes.’
“In my experience as a mom of a kid that age, I don’t hear them making fun of kids for having Walmart or H&M clothes.”
“It’s awfully hypocritical to complain about H&M new clothes when the ones she sends her in are tattered and dirty.”- Pumpkinkra
“You’re not being petty, you’re just trying to make sure Kiki has some nice, clean clothes to wear when she’s with you.”- Forensic_pharmacy
“You’re not sending her over there in cheap clothes for no reason or to get back at her mother.”
“You’ve actually tried sending her over in decent clothes and they get ruined.”
“Let Yvonne call you petty.”
“I would be honest with her.”
“Say that you can’t keep providing good clothes that will be ruined and that’s what has been happening, so to avoid arguments and stress, you’re focusing on clothes that can be ruined without breaking the bank.”
“One thing–you said you have an ‘agreement’ about how much child support to pay in a way that sounds odd.”
“I hope you don’t mean that you’ve decided what to pay.”
“The courts or a mediator should.”
“It may very well be that you’re not paying enough, in which case I understand Yvonne’s anger.”
“It’s just a reality that in most situations, the mother provides most of the childcare.”
“If Yvonne was taking care of a baby instead of focusing on her career, then that’s why she’s poor.”
“It wouldn’t be fair if she had to struggle as a result.”-Antstst
“Cheap clothes is better than no clothes and or wearing dirty ripped clothing in public.”
“They’re likely going to be ruined anyways.”
“It makes far more sense to let them run around in discount clothing until they’re older and are able to discern the differences in clothing quality and can appreciate having nicer clothing.”
“It sounds like OP would likely have his daughter wear a similar set of clothing if she was planning on playing hard in their residence as well.”
“His reasoning for doing so seems just and without malice towards the other party.”- Minority2
“Where is the logic in seeing the cheaper clothes as an attack on her when she lets her go out in ruined clothes?”
“NTA you’re looking out for your daughter.”
“NTA your ex is the selfish one here.”- Mia_Perchesi
“What does your daughter, or your ex, do in order to ruin those clothes anyway?”
“Also, you’re not being selfish or petty, you just don’t want to waste a lot of money on something that will get ruined in no time.”- SonicMaster211
It’s sad to imagine that any parent would maliciously damage their children’s property.
But owing to the frequency in which it happened, it’s hard to think that’s not just what Yvonne was doing, expressly to get back at the OP.
Making one truly question who the “petty” one in this unfortunate situation actually is.