A woman suffered complications during childbirth that required a quick decision.
Redditor strqberrysundae was then shamed by her husband and in-laws over her choice to put her survival before that of her child.
Now confused and wracked with guilt, she turned to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for choosing myself over my child?”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“I (27 F[emale]) became pregnant by my husband (28). I wasn’t on birth control (bad side effects) and he used a condom, as we weren’t ready for kids yet.”
“After confirming that I was pregnant (took a pregnancy test after days of morning sickness), we decided to keep the baby, as we both have stable incomes and a house that has a few extra rooms.”
“I was due to give birth a few weeks ago after a pretty okay pregnancy (not extremely good or anything, but not as bad as some women). My husband was the only one in the room with me due to hospital restrictions, but we were excited and nervous for the birth of our first child. (We were having a baby boy!)”
OP explained that while the complication would guarantee her death, saving her child if her life was saved was still an option.
“Unfortunately, due to complications during the birth, it came down to either my life or the baby’s, and I, terrified for my life, told the nurses to fix the complication first (it’s very rare) and then try to save the baby.”
“I had to undergo emergency surgery, but in doing so, resulted in the loss of my beautiful baby. In the moment, my husband and I were both okay with my decision and grateful that I survived, but upset over the loss of our child.”
The OP and her husband were unified in the immediate aftermath.
“When we returned home and broke the news to our families, my family were so kind and understanding, and helped me and my husband in our grieving process. But his parents were furious.”
“They said that I was a horrible woman and was a terrible mother for letting my child die. His mother specifically said that she would give her life for her children and that I was a selfish, cold hearted b*tch.”
But then her husband had a change of heart.
“This made me feel even worse about my choice and I became very depressed. During this time, my husband began to turn on me and said that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to create a family with someone who didn’t care about her children.”
“He says that what I did was selfish and that he doesn’t trust me anymore. I feel so alone, even with the support of my family.”
“I was talking to one of my friends about this and she said that they are all being awful, but I’m not so sure anymore.”
“AITA for choosing my life over my child’s?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors came to the OP’s defense.
“You are so NTA! Honestly I am so sorry you had to go through this and I am sorry for your loss.”
“But choosing to save your own life is in no way a bad choice. And if your husband would rather you had died giving birth, I think you should seriously reconsider your marriage.” – TrekA51
“I can’t believe how anyone would think op is TA, when clearly she isn’t! Op’s husband is letting his family poison him, what vipers!”
“Op I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through and I know everyone grieving rn, but you should reconsider your marriage to this man.”
“What would he have done in your shoes? He can say all day long he would’ve died , but you honestly faced death and he will never know that feeling as a woman does.”
“You had to make a tough decision and he has no right to make you feel less than for it. Same thing applies to your monster of a MIL. ‘Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones’.” – Poppyroseari
“Totally NTA. I agree with every word you said.”
“And for a minute I’m gonna be a horrible person and say this- you can make a new baby, you can’t make a new wife whom you have loved for years/months, yes you’ve loved the baby too, but everyone knows it’s very different.”
“if you care about the baby more than the wife during a critical pregnancy like OP’s, as difficult as it may be, if you think saving the wife instead of the baby was a mistake, it’s clear that you see her as a baby making machine and not a wife.”
“I’m a guy, idk if it affects this whole statement in any way.” – chaoticbiguy
“No you’re not horrible, you’re exactly right. My boyfriend and I have already discussed all this for the future, and we don’t even want me to give birth in a Catholic hospital because they almost always save the baby over mother.”
“My boyfriend said the same as you, we can make another baby. He can’t make another me.” – skelechel
“Literally if OP had come into the hospital unresponsive and husband wasn’t there, the hospital would’ve saved mom first.”
“They will try their best to save baby, but mom comes first. Generally, medical staff put mom before baby.”
“Saving your own life is 100% not something to be ashamed of.”
“My mom actually had a miscarriage that resulted in a stillbirth between my birth and my little sister. It almost ended my parents marriage, his parents were not kind to her regarding it and he blamed her for it. They got counseling and individual therapy, and have stuck by each others side since.”
“OP, therapy and time is the answer here. He is grieving and hurting, too. Pain makes people do irrational things.”
“However, if he isn’t getting better and refuses therapy, you have every right to not stick around. You can’t fully heal if you’re still actively being hurt.” – Vaalarah
“Exactly. OP made a very difficult decision while scared for her life, nobody should judge her for picking one of two very difficult options.”
“Especially the MIL saying she’d ‘give her life for her kids’ – I guarantee you she’s never been in a position like OP where she had to stare death in the face and make the toughest possible decision. NTA OP.” – ReasonableRule
“Also the way the MIL feels about her kids who she’s grown to love over decades is not comparable to the way OP feels about a baby that she hasn’t even met. I’d give my life for my kids but not for a stranger!” – chipscheeseandbeans
Overall, Redditors empathized with the OP and criticized her husband for siding with his parents.