Though we’re already down to the final quarter of 2021, we’re still seeing people victimized by sexist and racist comments and acts.
Sometimes the people who perform the behaviors are disheartening, to say the least, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor whyILuvu____ recently discovered just how far her husband was willing to go to make a joke or to get his way.
When she saw his reaction to standing up for herself, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to do next.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for backing out of cooking for my DH’s (Dear Husband’s) guests after he told me ‘Do your job’?”
The OP’s husband was raised by a woman with antiquated ideas.
“My husband and I both work, equal hours. I’m a hairstylist working at a salon and he is a warehouse manager.”
“My MIL (Mother-in-Law) is very sexist and lives in the 1950s still.”
“She said women can’t stop taking care of their households as a priority no matter what they achieve.”
“I hated this and it caused endless problems between us.”
“His mom taught him that his future wife should do everything, so he didn’t have to learn. He defended me against her and cut contact with her.”
“She hasn’t participated in a gathering since 2015 due to family not wanting her around.”
The OP and her husband had an agreement about cooking and cleaning.
“My husband learned to do everything from folding his clothes to fixing the toilet, except for cooking.”
“My husband cleans while I cook, but he tends to complain from time to time and throws some weird beliefs/opinions at me that are similar to what his mom thinks.”
“I get it, since he’s been raised by her and this mentality takes time to go away.”
The OP recently agreed to help with a dinner party.
“Last week, he had guests over and asked me to help him host dinner. We agreed that I cook and he clean like always.”
“Guests arrived and my husband sat with them while I was in the kitchen cooking.”
“I had issues with the oven. I was running late and dinner wasn’t ready yet.”
“My husband rushed into the kitchen, asking why dinner wasn’t ready yet, and I said I’d be done soon.”
“He grabbed a few glasses while pressuring me to hurry up.”
“I made a comment about how I didn’t even get to meet his guests and how unfair it was.”
“He casually said, ‘Just do your job’ and rushed out.”
“I was shocked, I stopped him, and asked, ‘What did you just said to me?'”
“He looked at me quizzically.”
The OP stood up for herself.
“I turned the oven off and stopped cooking. He was freaking out, saying, ‘No no, wait, what are you doing?’ while I took my apron off.”
“I said I don’t work for him to tell me to ‘Do my job,’ and he should take over cooking if he thought I was ‘slow.'”
“He begged me not to do this to him and explained he didn’t mean to tell me to do my job but only spoke this way since he’s used to saying stuff like that at work and wasn’t paying attention.”
“I refused to continue cooking and went upstairs to wash the smell of onion off me.”
The OP’s husband was furious later.
“I left him in the kitchen to handle serving dinner on his own and he came upstairs 2 hours later after the guests left and looked an absolute mess, hair messed up, and his shirt stained.”
“He asked if I was happy and proud of ‘proving a point’ by backing out of cooking last minute just cause he slipped and accidentally said, ‘Do your job.'”
“I told him that he’s an adult and is responsible for what comes out his mouth, accidental or not, and again said I didn’t have to cook for his guests and that I only volunteered to help and he sounded like his mother with what he said.”
The OP’s husband did not agree with her.
“He said it wasn’t true and that he was disappointed because I didn’t stick to my word and left him to fend for himself and embarrassed him in front of his guests by giving them half-cooked meals over something so dumb.”
“He walked out after changing his clothes and called me mean.”
“He wants an apology for backing out last minute, knowing he can’t cook.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was right to stand up for herself.
“NTA. Good for you for not putting up with your husband’s crap. There is a fundamental truth in your relationship – you know how to cook and he doesn’t. That means that when it comes to cooking, you have a value he doesn’t and, as you just showed him, you are in a position of power.”
“He needs to appreciate what you do for him, not take it for granted and bark out orders to you.”
“I will say this – he will remember this lesson. If you had backed down at the last minute, he would have taken it as you would back down if he pushed you hard enough. Now he knows you mean business and you will not be pushed around and you will not be treated as a servant.”
“A marriage is a partnership, not a corporation where one person is a boss. The correct way for him to act is to show you gratitude for the efforts you put into that night’s gathering.” – bamf1701
“It’s past time for him to learn to cook. Because it’s NOT ‘your job.'”
“He owes YOU an apology.”
“(Also, show him this post.)” – teresajs
“I can’t say whether your reaction was over the top or not because I wasn’t there. Maybe you could have taken the apology and gone back to finish up. I don’t know.”
“HOWEVER, the very fact he said it was a s**t move that needs a nuclear reaction. You can’t apologize for how you felt in the moment, which is extremely, and rightfully, offended.”
“He needs to learn to cook, and in the future, you two can divide off the cooking/cleaning. Moreover, he needs to recognize that you’re his partner and you don’t cook because you’re a woman: you cook because that’s how the chores have been divided.”
“For chrissakes, spaghetti is just boiling noodles if you go the quick route. He can learn that.”
“To say it’s your job, even ‘automatically,’ would have offended me just as much.”
“NTA!!’ – SuperElectricMammoth
“I found this post slightly (very slightly) relatable because my husband doesn’t really cook either. He used to before we were married, but since then I’ve done 99.99% of the cooking. That’s where the similarities end.”
“I was putting myself in OP’s shoes like, if I was taking longer with the dinner, my husband would pop in and ask if I needed anything, and not to worry, as he will just ply our guests with more alcohol (or, more likely, he’d have just said we will order takeout, because cooking for a party is too much fuss and would never have signed me up for it in the first place).”
“OP, your husband is the AH a hundred percent. He owes you an apology and needs to untwist his mind because clearly, his mom did a number on his perception of gender roles in a marriage.” – ur-squirrel-buddy
Others agreed and said the OP’s husband should know the basics of cooking.
“He should still know HOW to cook even if he does it rarely. She knows how to clean, he should know how to cook. That’s just basic life skills.” – peachesthepup
“I hate cooking and don’t know many dishes because of it, but I can still follow a recipe or instructions on a package. ‘I don’t know how to cook’ isn’t an excuse to act helpless and stupid.”
“It also takes a special level of dumb to not just tell the guests, ‘Whoops, the stove broke, I’ll just order in,” instead of serving half-cooked meals. He wanted to be mad at his wife.” – AllKindsOfCritters
“I’m a dude. I learned how to cook. My wife and I take turns cooking for each other (she does tend to do more meals but when someone makes it for you, it always tastes better somehow).”
“Every day she cooks for me I’m grateful. 100% NTA.” – SadlyNotPro
“I took HomeEc in Highschool. I was the only guy there, and it felt awkward sometimes. But you know what, I know how to do the most basic things to keep my life running. Sewing, Laundry, etc. I had already enjoyed cooking, that just gave me more skills so when my dad was on deployment, my mom didn’t have to cook every night.” – Karzdan
Some were concerned by the husband’s argument about his work.
“He thought it was making it better to say that’s how he talks to people at work… making him a Grade-A AH to people in general, in addition to his wife.”
“Sadly, OP – he will not unlearn this behavior, it IS his mentality, and it’s not going anywhere.” – elag19
“Does he accidentally kiss his employees because he’s used to doing it at home and wasn’t paying attention?”
“NO, HE’S NOT. He’s full of s**t.”
“If he needs her to cook because he can’t, he needs to be kinder to her. Sounds like he needed her more than she needed him.” – thehappiestelephant
“Even if it IS how he talks to people at work and even if THEY’RE all right with it, his wife is NOT his employee, subordinate or inferior. If he talks to her the way he talks to his subordinate, he needs to stop and take a good long look at how he regards his wife.” – Marzipan-Shepherdess
“I work in HR and we fired someone a few weeks ago for repeatedly saying “do your job” to their subordinates. Our company doesn’t tolerate supervisors who would speak down on others like that.” – Addicted2Coffee09
“Speaking as someone who’s been studying how to be a good manager/boss… one of the first things you’re taught is to not to speak to your staff like that, and that you’re a sucky boss if you do. Even if that’s true, and it’s not sexism he absorbed from his mother (which I find more likely), that doesn’t make it okay. You can’t talk to your staff like that.” – lordmwahaha
The OP felt conflicted about leaving her husband to tend to his dinner party alone, but the subReddit believed she did the right thing.
Not only did the husband need to reevaluate his feelings about gender roles and marriage dynamics, but how he spoke to his wife, as well as his employees, was not kind and needed to be seriously corrected.