Privacy isn't just about the things you want to keep secret.
Privacy is about being able to hold knowledge that is for you, and you alone. It is a space for you to be yourself without fear of judgment or consequence.
So, what happens when someone decides that the inside info they have on you is something to be shared with the world?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Austin-4throw when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA telling my co worker that I will report him after he announced my pregnancy during lunchbreak?"
OP started with a little background.
"I (Female 33) have been working in this company for 4 years."
"I have great relationship with my co workers and one of them is "Austin". Austin is incredibly sociable and easy to adapt with new co workers."
"We talk about all kinds of stuff while of course keeping it professional."
Then she moved on to excellent news.
"I'm married and recently found out I was pregnant but only my husband knew about it."
"Haven't even told anyone in our families or friend circle."
"The other day at work me and the co-workers were on lunch break and Austin was with us."
"We talked then he suddenly got up from his chair and asked for everyone's attention for a minute."
Everything was fine, until...
"I didn't know what that was about til he loudly announced that I was pregnant."
"I was stunned, like mouth open eyes not moving just staring at him as he and the other rushed to congratulate me and flood me with well wishes and parenting jokes and advice."
"I was in utter shock I asked how he knew and he said 'remember when you gave me a ride the other day?"'
"'I saw your pregnancy test result on the dashboard' my first action was lashing out at him in front of everyone asking why the hell he just shared a private medical information at my workplace."
"He said he was just sharing 'our joy' with everyone else since only him and I knew."
OP lashed out.
"Other co workers asked that I calm down but I meanly told him he was out of line and that I will be reporting him to my superior for this then stormed off while Austin just stood there."
"My female co-workers came to tell me how rude I was towards Austin's 'nice gesture' and insisted I hurt him and that I overreacted especially for saying I will be reporting him since he was just sharing happy news with everyone and I was just being too sensitive."
"But I felt my privacy was violated plus I wanted to tell everyone on my own terms."
"Still my co-workers tried to talk me out of it."
"Not just that but apologize to him for lashing out like that."
She was left to wonder,
"Aita for my reaction?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some were very clear on who was at fault here.
"As someone who had a baby in the last year and had to hide their pregnancy due to the industry they are in, I can honestly say that you are NTA."
"This is YOUR news to tell. Not his."
"Also, what's with his"
'"our joy'"
"Crap? Is the baby his?"
"If not, it's none of his business. Having another man say that they are 'sharing our joy' sounds like you two were having an affair which you weren't."
"I'd report him for that insinuation alone."
"Also, the nice gesture crap is not right. If you and your husband didn't tell anyone, then it's really an invasion of privacy."
"Your coworker who said it was a 'nice gesture' should be asked 'so if he told everyone that you were pregnant when no one else knew, robbing you of the chance to tell someone"'
'"Or if he told everyone you had cancer when no one else knew by looking at a note you wrote on your desk, you'd be fine with that?'"
"No, just no. Report away. This is a gross invasion of privacy."
"Congratulations on the news." ~ lightofashrah
There were personal stories to echo this thought.Â
"Speaking as someone who had their cancer announced without their knowledge or consent, you are correct in your parallel here." ~ lydz31
"As a woman who can't have children what if this was a token memory of a baby lost."
"No excuses."
"NTA. Austin deserves to be reported. Also really sad you have female colleagues who didn't jump to your defense." ~ blingo_o
"Yeah when I was pregnant everything I read and everyone I talked to always said to wait until after 12 weeks to tell anyone outside the other parent and immediate family."
"The risk is very high and having to tell everyone you had a miscarriage would be awful." ~ wackwithpoobrain
"I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy."
"For my second, I waited until I was past the first trimester before anyone except immediate family knew."
"I would have been very upset if anyone had announced it because I would have felt like it was 'jinxing' it."
"When I miscarried the first time, it was hard having to notify all the people who knew so they wouldn't ask about a baby that wasn't there anymore."
"Is this coworker also volunteering to be the one to share 'our' grief if she miscarried and make an announcement to the whole workplace?"
"Bottom line:"
"You never ask a woman if she's pregnant (even if it's obvious). And you never, ever, ever even think about announcing someone else's pregnancy without their permission." ~ IntroductionKindly33
Some were just confused.
"Agreed, this was farrrr from a nice gesture."
"And, you would think OP's female coworkers would be particularly aware of how inappropriate, potentially damaging, selfish and downright disturbing Austin's actions were."
"This was NOT his news to tell."
"He obtained said info by snooping."
"He completely disregarded OP's wishes."
"Most people don't share pregnancy news until they are past their first trimester since that period can be risky, he had no idea if OP planned to keep the baby, he didn't care how, when or if OP wanted to share this news."
"His actions are just baffling. Who would ever think this is OK?"
"NTA."
"Report him. What he did was just..... I can't even put into words how much of a callous idiot he was to do this." ~ Electrical-Date-3951
"That's what I don't get."
"There are a number of reasons to keep a pregnancy hidden and in a group of women most if not all would understand why a 'friend' shouldn't announce a pregnancy without consent."
"And even if they were dumb enough to not get it, seeing the victim upset by the transgression should clue them in that this was not an ok thing to do." ~ newuser60
"NTA and I have to be honest I'm a little baffled by all of the people who think that there is nothing to report."
"HR isn't the police."
"Things don't have to be explicitly against a rule in the same way they'd have to be against a law for police to take action."
"Part of management and HR's job is to correct employees when they behave unprofessionally. Which Austin most clearly did." ~ Cambridge_Comma
Many questioned the purity of Austin's motivation.
"Are you and Austin up for a promotion or competing in anyway?"
"A pregnancy could hurt you since you will be going on maternity leave and he won't be."
"This was not a friendly gesture at all."
"Pregnancy announcements for women in the work place need to be timed so they do hurt income or mess up leave."
"Austin was a complete AH, report him to HR."
"This needs to be documented."
"Btw, NTA." ~kfisch2014
"Nice gesture?"
"All it was was a lot of scene-stealing by Austin."
"A lot of 'pay attention to me' by Austin."
"NTA, and I'd report Austin too." ~ SodaButteWolf
"Right and he saw the medical documents in your car before?"
"So like why didn't he say anything to you when he saw them?"
"Like if he had mentioned it, you could have told him to keep it to himself."
"Idk maybe I'm reading too much into that, but it seems like he knew it was a secret and then chose to expose it in the most public way possible for his own attention."
"NTA" ~ Big-Can4033
Commenters had lots of reasons why this should not have been announced.
"He wasn't even supposed to know!!"
"I think it's awful that he didn't talk to you about it first even to confirm, there are many things that can go wrong in a pregnancy, it could be unwanted, or a health hazard to carry to term."
"He doesn't know and has no right to blab. He needs to learn to not gossip about other private information that he got by snooping."
"Congrats on the pregnancy, I hope everything goes smoothly from here." ~ Fianna9
"Or a baby she didn't plan to keep."
"Or was the product of an affair."
"There are a ton of reasons his behaviour was stupid, ignorant and potentially very dangerous."
"This goes from impolite, speeds past unprofessional and carries on past out-of-frickin'-order without slowing for a second."
"OP, report him."
"Don't second guess yourself."
"What he did was wrong. Like, really big letters carved in stone WRONG."
"He had no right to give out your personal information without your permission. Who TF does that to a colleague?" ~ droppedelbow
Your information is much like your body, consent is required to interact with it.
Whether OP wanted to scream from the hilltops or tell no one at all should have been her decision, and in not getting to make that decision her consent was violated.
Be kind to the people you meet, but most of all be respectful.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.