Sometimes in a divorce, it seems like the non-custodial parent divorces their children as well as their spouse. And hurt feelings can be made worse by stepsiblings suddenly getting their parent's time and devotion.
A newlywed turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over her father's choice to skip her wedding.
Similar to AITA, this subReddit allows a broader range of topics and asking for advice. It doesn't include official voting acronyms or a final judgment.
Stunning-Rock-1430 asked:
"AITAH for stating on social media that every living person who loved us was at mine and my husband's recent wedding when my dad wasn't there?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (27, female) wrote a post on social media a few days ago talking a little about my wedding and how amazing the day was. I made a point to mention that every living person who loved us was present, because we both have deceased family members including my mom."
"There was some fallout that I kind of expected from my dad because he wasn't at my wedding. He chose to miss my wedding because his stepdaughter (25, female) was having surgery on her knee and he couldn't possibly leave her."
"Her surgery got scheduled two months before my wedding and dad actually asked me to reschedule my wedding so he could do both. He told me she couldn't wait to have hers and had the earliest appointment."
"But that he would pay the difference for me to change the date of my wedding two months before the day, after all the invitations were sent out, almost 18 months AFTER we had set the date and he had said he could be there."
"This was just the most recent in a long line of him putting his stepdaughter before me. It started when she was 11 and I was 13 and he first got married to his wife."
"He decided he could no longer spend time with me one on one, but he could spend time with her one on one. Any time he made plans with me, he included her."
"If both of us had a conflicting extra-curricular event, he would go to hers. If we both wanted to visit a Christmas market, but schedules conflicted for that, he would only take her."
"And she wanted me to be her sister, but didn't want me to have dad alone because it made her jealous and feel bad that she didn't have him as long.
"Which made dad go, 'Please understand, why can't you love her and be her sister and share me and accept that I won't give you one-on-one time, but I will give it to her?'"
"He even ruined our momorial (memorial thing we did for mom every year after she died) by bringing her along once she was officially his stepdaughter."
"The first and last time he did it, because I stopped going, was one of the few times he didn't just whine about it but actually yelled at me because I lost my temper really badly and told him that brat had no business having anything to do with MY mom and she didn't get to ruin that for me too."
"He yelled at me that my attitude was disgusting, and she ruined nothing, and I was ruining it by refusing to embrace her."
"My adult relationship with him was distant and tense. But he kept reaching out, and he made an effort to see me, so I tried to lower my expectations."
"Then his request to change my wedding date happened, and I basically dropped the rope entirely after that."
"And for those who might ask about the surgery. His stepdaughter badly injured her knee 10 years ago while playing some sport. I forget what she played, but she has been dealing with issues ever since, and they kept saying she was too young for the surgeries she needed and making her put it off."
"Until they finally decided she was so bad she needed it regardless of age. I still believe he should have come to the wedding because his wife was there for her daughter. But poor little princess needed him too."
"But back to the post. I made it. I stand by it. I knew he'd hate it."
"I didn't expect any crap from my favorite aunt about it, but she told me the post was spiteful and set out to hurt Dad when I needed to understand he was just a man and men are weak and won't always do the right thing."
"AITAH?"
The OP later added.
"I knew it would upset my dad. My aunt surprised me. I figured she'd be on my side and not his."
"Never expected anyone else to have a problem with it. Especially when they came and agreed dad should've been there."
"Kinda wanted to ask her why we even marry men or have families with them if we need to have on the ground (low, low, liw) expectations."
Some Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was justified in their response (NTA).
"NTA. Tell your aunt to raise her expectations as men aren't weak and are more than capable of doing the right thing." ~ Tipsy-boo
"He's hurt you consistently for years. He can eat his little feelings now." ~ Western_Fuzzy
"He made choices that led to this situation, and he should bear the emotional consequences." ~ AnnieMollee
"I'd bet he's more worried about his pride because some people at the wedding would have noticed his absence. OP, you are NTA here." ~ Meteorite42
"This right here. He isn't upset his 'daughter' didn't wait or have him walk her down the aisle—he's upset because of 'what will people say?'. I put daughter in quotations because it is obvious who he believes is his 'real' daughter." ~ Amaranthim
"It would be fair to remind her that this is a once-in-a-lifetime moment and that he chose for the last time not to be there."
"I hate that you have to have this confrontation with her, but you could text/email/whatever to just say that this is your way of stating that he's broken the relationship irrevocably and you need to step away from it."
"Whether she thinks that your post is petty isn't something you need to worry about, and I hope you feel free to tell her that. Right now you're just trying to move forward with your life." ~ NthaThickofIt
"Tell your aunt she's the reason people like your father exist. There's always some enabling apologist to excuse their sh*tty behavior and pressure anyone who won't tolerate it into 'keeping the peace'. And men like your father rely on and exploit her misplaced goodwill."
"I had a confrontation with my stepmother and her family—all born and raised in Arkansas—about something similar. My father opted out of participating because he had met me. They were all harping on me about not being married yet."
"I was 20 years old at the time."
"The women sat me down in the kitchen—while the men listened in from the next room—to tell me I needed to lower my standards. They informed me it was 'just in men's nature' to 'step out' (cheat) and 'be passionate' . Men just can't help themselves."
"Once all the women in the family had their turn to lecture me, I informed them my parents were Indigenous (which they all knew). Both of my parents' Nations were matriarchal and matrilineal, so, no, it's not a natural part of men—that they're helpless to prevent—to mistreat women."
"That's a lie they'd bought into and perpetuated, which the selfish men in their lives took advantage of. But the women in my family don't tolerate that BS."
"If I was in a committed, monogamous relationship with a man and he cheated, he's wasted my time, disrespected me, and betrayed my trust. One and done. No second chances. He's gone."
"If any man was 'passionate' with me, he'd better pray to God, and all that's holy that I died the moment he put hands on me. Because I would definitely permanently maim him—or worse—if I was still breathing."
"There are many things that can be easily removed from a man's body while he's unconscious without killing him. And if he bleeds out, I know where to buy tarps and a shovel."
"Appalled by my inability to understand the way of the world, the men consulted my Father. He told them my Nations were both matriarchal and I was my Mother's daughter. I didn't make idle threats, I absolutely would do exactly what I said."
"The men in my stepmother's family all avoided me after that. The older women looked at me as if I were an alien species. The younger women asked me what the easily removable body parts were."
"Tell your aunt you're unwilling to be the doormat she is and wants you to be." ~ MohawMais
This father and daughter may never be close.
You can't force someone to treat you better, you can just choose how you'll react to their behavior. And it sounds like the OP has reached the no-contact stage of their relationship.
The only question is how many relatives will ally with her estranged father and whether she's OK with losing them, too.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp