Sometimes in a divorce, it seems like the non-custodial parent divorces their children as well as their spouse. And hurt feelings can be made worse by stepsiblings suddenly getting their parent’s time and devotion.
A newlywed turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over her father’s choice to skip her wedding.
Similar to AITA, this subReddit allows a broader range of topics and asking for advice. It doesn’t include official voting acronyms or a final judgment.
Stunning-Rock-1430 asked:
“AITAH for stating on social media that every living person who loved us was at mine and my husband’s recent wedding when my dad wasn’t there?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (27, female) wrote a post on social media a few days ago talking a little about my wedding and how amazing the day was. I made a point to mention that every living person who loved us was present, because we both have deceased family members including my mom.”
“There was some fallout that I kind of expected from my dad because he wasn’t at my wedding. He chose to miss my wedding because his stepdaughter (25, female) was having surgery on her knee and he couldn’t possibly leave her.”
“Her surgery got scheduled two months before my wedding and dad actually asked me to reschedule my wedding so he could do both. He told me she couldn’t wait to have hers and had the earliest appointment.”
“But that he would pay the difference for me to change the date of my wedding two months before the day, after all the invitations were sent out, almost 18 months AFTER we had set the date and he had said he could be there.”
“This was just the most recent in a long line of him putting his stepdaughter before me. It started when she was 11 and I was 13 and he first got married to his wife.”
“He decided he could no longer spend time with me one on one, but he could spend time with her one on one. Any time he made plans with me, he included her.”
“If both of us had a conflicting extra-curricular event, he would go to hers. If we both wanted to visit a Christmas market, but schedules conflicted for that, he would only take her.”
“And she wanted me to be her sister, but didn’t want me to have dad alone because it made her jealous and feel bad that she didn’t have him as long.
“Which made dad go, ‘Please understand, why can’t you love her and be her sister and share me and accept that I won’t give you one-on-one time, but I will give it to her?'”
“He even ruined our momorial (memorial thing we did for mom every year after she died) by bringing her along once she was officially his stepdaughter.”
“The first and last time he did it, because I stopped going, was one of the few times he didn’t just whine about it but actually yelled at me because I lost my temper really badly and told him that brat had no business having anything to do with MY mom and she didn’t get to ruin that for me too.”
“He yelled at me that my attitude was disgusting, and she ruined nothing, and I was ruining it by refusing to embrace her.”
“My adult relationship with him was distant and tense. But he kept reaching out, and he made an effort to see me, so I tried to lower my expectations.”
“Then his request to change my wedding date happened, and I basically dropped the rope entirely after that.”
“And for those who might ask about the surgery. His stepdaughter badly injured her knee 10 years ago while playing some sport. I forget what she played, but she has been dealing with issues ever since, and they kept saying she was too young for the surgeries she needed and making her put it off.”
“Until they finally decided she was so bad she needed it regardless of age. I still believe he should have come to the wedding because his wife was there for her daughter. But poor little princess needed him too.”
“But back to the post. I made it. I stand by it. I knew he’d hate it.”
“I didn’t expect any crap from my favorite aunt about it, but she told me the post was spiteful and set out to hurt Dad when I needed to understand he was just a man and men are weak and won’t always do the right thing.”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added.
“I knew it would upset my dad. My aunt surprised me. I figured she’d be on my side and not his.”
“Never expected anyone else to have a problem with it. Especially when they came and agreed dad should’ve been there.”
“Kinda wanted to ask her why we even marry men or have families with them if we need to have on the ground (low, low, liw) expectations.”
Some Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was justified in their response (NTA).
“NTA. Tell your aunt to raise her expectations as men aren’t weak and are more than capable of doing the right thing.” ~ Tipsy-boo
“He’s hurt you consistently for years. He can eat his little feelings now.” ~ Western_Fuzzy
“He made choices that led to this situation, and he should bear the emotional consequences.” ~ AnnieMollee
“I’d bet he’s more worried about his pride because some people at the wedding would have noticed his absence. OP, you are NTA here.” ~ Meteorite42
“This right here. He isn’t upset his ‘daughter’ didn’t wait or have him walk her down the aisle—he’s upset because of ‘what will people say?’. I put daughter in quotations because it is obvious who he believes is his ‘real’ daughter.” ~ Amaranthim
“It would be fair to remind her that this is a once-in-a-lifetime moment and that he chose for the last time not to be there.”
“I hate that you have to have this confrontation with her, but you could text/email/whatever to just say that this is your way of stating that he’s broken the relationship irrevocably and you need to step away from it.”
“Whether she thinks that your post is petty isn’t something you need to worry about, and I hope you feel free to tell her that. Right now you’re just trying to move forward with your life.” ~ NthaThickofIt
“Tell your aunt she’s the reason people like your father exist. There’s always some enabling apologist to excuse their sh*tty behavior and pressure anyone who won’t tolerate it into ‘keeping the peace’. And men like your father rely on and exploit her misplaced goodwill.”
“I had a confrontation with my stepmother and her family—all born and raised in Arkansas—about something similar. My father opted out of participating because he had met me. They were all harping on me about not being married yet.”
“I was 20 years old at the time.”
“The women sat me down in the kitchen—while the men listened in from the next room—to tell me I needed to lower my standards. They informed me it was ‘just in men’s nature’ to ‘step out’ (cheat) and ‘be passionate’ . Men just can’t help themselves.”
“Once all the women in the family had their turn to lecture me, I informed them my parents were Indigenous (which they all knew). Both of my parents’ Nations were matriarchal and matrilineal, so, no, it’s not a natural part of men—that they’re helpless to prevent—to mistreat women.”
“That’s a lie they’d bought into and perpetuated, which the selfish men in their lives took advantage of. But the women in my family don’t tolerate that BS.”
“If I was in a committed, monogamous relationship with a man and he cheated, he’s wasted my time, disrespected me, and betrayed my trust. One and done. No second chances. He’s gone.”
“If any man was ‘passionate’ with me, he’d better pray to God, and all that’s holy that I died the moment he put hands on me. Because I would definitely permanently maim him—or worse—if I was still breathing.”
“There are many things that can be easily removed from a man’s body while he’s unconscious without killing him. And if he bleeds out, I know where to buy tarps and a shovel.”
“Appalled by my inability to understand the way of the world, the men consulted my Father. He told them my Nations were both matriarchal and I was my Mother’s daughter. I didn’t make idle threats, I absolutely would do exactly what I said.”
“The men in my stepmother’s family all avoided me after that. The older women looked at me as if I were an alien species. The younger women asked me what the easily removable body parts were.”
“Tell your aunt you’re unwilling to be the doormat she is and wants you to be.” ~ MohawMais
This father and daughter may never be close.
You can’t force someone to treat you better, you can just choose how you’ll react to their behavior. And it sounds like the OP has reached the no-contact stage of their relationship.
The only question is how many relatives will ally with her estranged father and whether she’s OK with losing them, too.