All young people begin to map out their lives as they enter adulthood.
Meaning they hope to accomplish certain goals by a certain age, such as owning a home, getting married, and having children.
Of course, virtually no one’s life plan matches exactly with the timeline they mapped out for themselves.
But that doesn’t stop some people from trying their hardest to meet the deadlines they’ve set for themselves.
The fiancé of Redditor a-fitz was among those who had specific goals set for his life, including when the two of them would become parents.
So when the original poster (OP) requested a slight adjustment to these plans, it did not go over well.
Wondering if her request was really that outrageous, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not wanting to be pregnant at my wedding.”
The OP explained how while she and her fiancé’s life plan was, for the most part, working out just as they expected, there was one major area where they found themselves at odds.
“To give some backstory, My fiancée (34 M[ale]) and I (26 F[emale]) have been together for three years and bought our own house six months ago.”
“We moved to a new city and also got new jobs.”
“Our goal was to stay at our new jobs for six months,’till the end of trial period, and then we would start trying to have kids.”
“That time has now gone and we both like the jobs we got, so the talk of kids has come up.”
“Just last week my fiancée suggested we start planning our wedding after been engaged for a year, which I was very happy about.”
“We started looking at locations and found a beautiful place available in June 2023.”
“We got more and more excited about the idea of getting married next year and have made the, refundable, reservation.”
“I talked about the wedding with my close family and when asked about kids I said that we would probably postpone that idea even though we both really want children and have the stability for it.”
“I brought this up with my fiancé and he was very shocked at the idea of postponing and didn’t understand why.”
”’You just wanna get drunk’” is the first thing he said.”
“When I explained that the main reason for not wanting to be pregnant at our wedding is because I don’t know how I will feel, back pain, nausea, not being able to fit in the dress etc, he seemed to understand what I was saying, but he mentioned that he doesn’t want to be ’42 with a four y/o’.”
“I suggested that we could do the wedding in 2024 instead but he says he doesn’t want to wait because we’ve already told close family about it, and because there’s no guarantee that it wont take two years to have a baby anyway.”
“AITA for wanting to wait to have a baby so I can drink at and enjoy my wedding to the fullest even though my fiancée is older than me and wants to start having kids as soon as possible?”
“I also want to have kids now and do not want to wait, but I also want to make sure I feel good on my wedding day.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not at all the a**hole for wanting to wait to have children till after her wedding day.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP was being unreasonable in pressuring her to have children, with a few even questioning if this marriage was a good idea, and a few brides who were pregnant on their wedding day also expressing how they wouldn’t do it again if they had the chance.
“But really what is the difference between being 40 or 42 with a 4 year old?”- Fattdog64
“You are certainly NTA.”
“Though, you may want to think very deeply about what your number one priority really is.”
“If it’s having children now, then consider moving the date up and making concessions on the venue.”
“As a couple, you’re going to have to come up with some compromises that maximize your happiness.”
“Best of luck!”- tjk5150
“I was at mine.”
“Decided to start trying in advance and of course got pregnant immediately.”
“And even though we intentionally kept it small and low key it was super stressful and exhausting, do not recommend.”- mahmcore
“Pregnancy can be super hard on a person’s body, no matter how far along you are.”
“Also who cares if you just want to be able to get drunk and celebrate?”
“You have plenty of time for kids, and i know a lot of people who are in their 40’s with small children.”
“It is more and more common for people to plan their children around their huge life events.”
“It isn’t like you are saying you want an abortion so you don’t have to be pregnant at your wedding, just that you want to postpone trying so you can have fun.”
“That isn’t selfish that is responsible.”- Chelular07
“Not a but if your partner is unwilling to compromise in any way, I’d question making all of these commitments to him.”- stseomfs
“And why not just plan a wedding in the near future with a more basic or easier to get venue? “
“Then you guys can start on your wedding night.”
“To compromise further maybe plan it somewhere near where most of the family is if you plan on inviting them to keep it simple and minimize the logistics?”
“There are options here to where you BOTH get what you want if you are willing to compromise on date and location.”
“Best of luck.”
“No one here though is an AH.”
“Unless you both stick to your guns and do nothing.”- NightBard
“Deciding on having a baby has to be a unanimous decision.”
“You are currently at a ‘No’.”
“Reasoning doesn’t matter.”
“Just so it’s clear, my position here is solely based on a couple deciding to have a baby.”
“Not what to do when one is already pregnant.”
“That’s a different scenario.”- seregil42
“Are you concerned that he’s nearly a decade older and thinks pressuring you because he doesn’t want to be ’42 with a 4 year old’ is appropriate?”
“NTA at all.”
“He doesn’t get to demand things on his timeline just because he’s older.”
“I’d tread carefully or, if the trust is there, straight up say how off putting that lack of awareness is.”-Ladyughsalot1
“As a warning pregnancy is brutal and you don’t want to be getting married between vomiting.”
“Your fiancé doesn’t sound very compassionate or understanding.”
“If this isn’t an isolated event revalue things.”
“If it is isolated try talking to him.”
“Maybe he should have thought of having kids sooner before he got so old.”
“You are still young, and not wanting to be miserable at your own wedding is very reasonable and understandable.”- BoopsBoop27
“My friend has had sickness and been queasy for 20 weeks, so far, and it’s only just subsiding.”
“Feeling well on the day of the most expensive party anyone ever throws is pretty much the bare minimum.”
“I’d perhaps also ask him why he is fixated on a pregnant bride.”
“Is it really just the timing?”
“Especially as his first words were about curtailing your fun?”- speckledgem
“37 year old mom here of a 1 year old and 3 year old.”
“I somehow get by without having to use my walker and still have a bit of energy left in me to try and raise them.”
“People can have kids well into their 30’s and be just fine.”- can_you_not_85
“Make sure your birth control is solid.”
“There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel great at your wedding.”
“You are not an incubator he can set to go off at certain times in his life.”
“You are a human being and he needs to respect your wishes.”
“Again, keep an eye on your birth control.”
“I don’t understand your fiance’s argument.”
“How is being 40 with a four old different than 42?”
“How much does a year or two really make?”
“His whole thing is an invalid argument to me.”- QueenMaryJ
“As someone who has dealt with hellish pregnancies for both of mine, absolutely NTA!”
“No one has no idea what their pregnancy will actually be like until it happens.”
“I planned my own wedding and it was only for 50 ppl.”
“I could not imagine planning that while going through my pregnancy.”- To_Go_Back1984
One can somewhat sympathize with the frustrations of the OP’s fiancé in that everyone has expectations of where their life will be at a certain point.
But a huge part of life is making adjustments.
And waiting to become a parent until after their wedding doesn’t seem like an adjustment that should be that difficult to make.
Here’s hoping the OP’s fiancé comes to realize that, and their wedding is a joyous and happy celebration for everyone.