Especially in this economy, it's incredibly easy to fall down that slippery slope of working too much and too often to get that paycheck.
But there are countless things we might be missing out on in exchange for the money, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit, especially when someone is either raising a family or being an active member in a wider family.
Redditor sitandthink86 loved being a stay-at-home dad and enjoying his time in his home and with his children.
But when he looked at his wife, who was a workaholic, the Original Poster (OP) was worried his wife would never make memories with their children because of working too much.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my wife that if I waited for her to make memories with our son, we wouldn't have any?"
The OP recently shared a fun experience with his young teen son.
"Last weekend, I (39 Male) helped my son (14 Male) dye his hair purple. (Or, my good friend who actually knew what he was doing helped dye my son's hair while I was there for music requests and object fetching.)"
"It was such a fun day, and I could tell how happy it made my boy."
The OP's wife was not happy about the at-home dye job.
"I didn't tell my wife before we did this, and that was the catalyst for the fight we're currently having. But for me, it's so much more than this one incident."
"My wife has been hands-off with our child for a while now. His soccer games, little road trips to nearby amusement parks, and back-to-school shopping. She's too busy with work, or too tired from work."
"So, I've mostly just stopped having the conversations. Why would I waste my breath having the same conversations on repeat?"
"The night we dyed his hair, she started crying while we were talking, saying we were making all of these memories without her."
"I asked her what she expected me to do. If we waited for her to make memories, we would be sitting in a dark room 100% of the time."
"My son isn't even really comfortable with her anymore. There is no 'I can't take you, go ask your mom.' Now it's, 'I'm sorry I can't take you, let me see if (friend) is free that day.'"
The OP's wife didn't take the feedback well.
"My wife isn't speaking to me now, and I'm wondering if I took it too far."
"I don't know. I was hoping some brutal honesty would change something."
"I would've loved having more kids, but I guess it's for the best now that she said no."
The OP then updated the post with more details about his role as a stay-at-home dad.
"I'm a stay-at-home dad. The original plan was for me to start working again when our son went to kindergarten, but my wife was gunning for a promotion around that time and asked me to stay at home longer."
"Once she got the promotion, her hours increased, so that time was extended once again. I am responsible for all the household chores and general home-making tasks. I cook, clean, do all the yard work, all the grocery shopping, etc. I do enjoy being a stay-at-home dad, but I've been ready and willing to rejoin the workforce for a decade now."
"At this point, I will be getting a job when my son turns 16 and can get himself to and from school."
"But my wife still refuses to cut her hours, even if I get a job, and gets frustrated every time I bring it up. There is no point in my forcing my son to ride the bus or figure out a ride for himself if my wife still won't make the effort or compromise in order to spend time with him."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP and reassured him that he was NTA.
"Listen, this could easily be a gender swapped story. There are so many AITAH posts about wives who've stopped trying to artificially create moments for their husbands to be dads. And you are just as NTA as they are."
"Being a parent is so much more than financial support, it's about emotional presence. You are there for your son, and it hurts him each time your wife says she doesn't have time to be there for him so it now hurts him less to ask."
"Your son is the priority, not your wife's feelings. She is reaping the consequences of being a parent in finances only. Keep parenting your son, don't hold back your love for him to make her feel less guilty. NTA." - crumpledspoon
"Dude, more power to you. I was so lucky that my wife and I both loved being parents, never had this issue."
"Being a dad is the most fulfilling fun thing I've ever done and I've pretty much spent my life pursuing fulfillment and fun."
"Keep at it, don't let her stuff bring you down. You're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing." - TouristTricky
"NTA. I had a mother whom I have no childhood memories of because she did nothing with me. I just existed in the same house as her."
"At least you are bringing up the problem with her, believe me, your son will remember the emptiness where their relationship is supposed to be." - GillianHolroyd1
"I am so sorry you all are going through this. It's hard work being available 16 hours a day, which is what being a spouse, parent, and worker bee requires. My mom was a SAHM, and usually when he got home from work, my dad would lie down for 15 to 30 minutes. That quiet break between jobs worked for him. Rest/nap and then back up and ready for the second shift job (being our dad)."
"My little brother never got that. He was a C-suite guy at a very large company and was determined to rest after work (drink beer and watch baseball). It basically left his wife as a single mom, and after their divorce, I don't think his daughters missed him at all. I mean, what was there to miss?" - Mighty_Muppet
"NTA. My friend, you need to zoom out. This has nothing to do with your son or his hair. Go have an honest conversation with your wife. Best of luck." - The_Octane
Others agreed and said that while the feedback was harsh, the OP was right and NTA.
"NTA. Your kid cannot go into stasis until your partner magically has time. Literally nothing works that way. The things you do now are the childhood memories your child is going to have."
"My ex was super checked out on the kids until we divorced. It was like he kind of realized that he wasn't being that bad, because if he was that bad, I would leave, and me saying I was leaving upended his denial. (Fwiw, this got my career moving again and now I do sometimes have to say no to my kids because of work, but I try to create time for them around work obligations, AND their dad is now available.) There is no guarantee it works that way for everyone."
"So, I guess, do what you're doing. Have the moments with your child as they come at you, and tell your wife that the only way she gets those moments is to take them."
"Some of my best times with my kids have been tiny, tiny things. Stand by the front door and yell that you're going to the store for snacks and twenty bucks will get you a half hour of delightful teenage company." - eaca02124
"NTA. At least you are there for your son. He deserves at least one of you to remember he exists." - PsiBlaze
"My son just turned ten last week. TEN! He's now riding his bike on his own to and from school and is loving the independence. But he's also still sharing so much of what's in his head with me, and he confides in me when he's feeling insecure or nervous or unsure of something. He doesn't do this with his dad in any measure near to what he does with me."
"Who goes to say good night and sleep well, and I love you every single night with rare exception? I do. Who sends memes and chats back and forth in the family chat? He and I do. Who remembers every birthday and even celebrated his favourite teddy's birthday too for years because he said when he was wee that September eighth, his birthday?"
"Husband does none of this, nor does he really have his own rituals with our son to create these bonds. I am not looking forward to the shocked Pikachu face in a few years when our kids have no interest in spending time with their dad as adults." - scubahana
"NTA. Have her watch the movie 'Click' with Adam Sandler. Only, too bad for her there is no rewind function to start over and try again. She's messing this up big time, and it's like she doesn't even notice that the problem is her, not you or your son."
"My work schedule is insane, and yes, I AM tired a LOT of the time from it. But no matter how tired I am, I always make time for my child to have bonding time. We go to amusement parks, the beach. We have special time during bedtime routine every single day. You cannot abdicate from parenthood and then be shocked you have no core memories with your child." - Lazy-Instruction-600
"NTA. She's feeling regret. I'd recommend her some therapy to deal with that and to help push her into changing before it's too late for her to bond with her son at all." - StragglingShadow
There's something promising about the OP's wife confiding in him that she was concerned about missing out on these memories with their children, and it was important for the OP to give her the reality check that she needed to realize how serious all of this was.
Unless the OP's wife reevaluated something, she'd have to miss out on the memories and just make peace with that. If she couldn't do that, something had to give.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp