When people feel they have met "the one," they tend to wait with bated breath for the day they get a proposal.
However, as the big day draws near, some people begin to question whether they are making the right decision.
Especially if they notice things about their partner they hadn't really noticed before.
This might lead them to wonder if committing to them for life is really the best idea.
Redditor Other-Suggestion1609 recently became engaged to her boyfriend.
However, things took an unexpected turn at a New Year's Eve Party with her boyfriend's family.
Leaving the original poster (OP) to question whether marrying this man was a good idea.
Unsure of what to do, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here?" (AITAH).
While similar to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH For questioning my engagement after my fiancé got mad at me for drinking while 'pregnant'?"
The OP explained why the OP was beginning to seriously reconsider her relationship:
"Ok, so I (22 F[emale]) recently got engaged to my Fiancé (23 M[ale])."
"We are both still living at home to save money to eventually get our own place."
"I still live with my parents, but I stay at his place most nights because it's closer to work and just easier."
"So, this New Year's Eve we were at his parents' house with family and a few friends."
"Nothing crazy, just a normal family get together."
"His aunt was passing out champagne to everyone and asked me if I wanted some, but before I could even respond, my Fiancé reached out and took the glass."
"I kinda thought it was weird, but I just ignored it cuz he can be oblivious sometimes."
"I ended up just going to the kitchen and pouring myself a drink."
"When I got back to the living room, he immediately noticed my drink and asked pretty loudly, 'is that alcohol?'"
"I said yes."
"He started getting really upset."
"He said he couldn't believe I would do that, that he thought I was more responsible, and I was being reckless."
"I was obviously confused and asked him what he was talking about."
"He said something like 'You're really going to mess things up before they even start?'"
"'You're going to hurt the baby'."
"The room went quiet, and I was so embarrassed."
"I was thinking he must be drunk or something."
"I asked him what baby?"
"He said he knew I was pregnant and that he'd been trying to do the right thing."
"He said he found a pregnancy test in the bathroom weeks ago, and that's why he's been watching what I eat and drink, and why he proposed."
"He said he was stepping up."
"Then he said he didn't know if he had made a mistake if this was the kind of mother I was going to be."
"I was literally so shocked and humiliated."
"I told him I'm not pregnant."
"But he just told me I don't need to lie."
"I am not pregnant."
"I ended up leaving and coming to my parents' house that night."
"I haven't been to his place since."
"He keeps trying to reach out to me to talk about it, but I'm not ready."
"That brings us to last night."
"My fiancé's mom messaged me and asked me to come over and talk."
"She says relationships take effort, and I shouldn't ruin my relationship over a little misunderstanding."
"I don't know what to do."
"I love my fiancé, but I can't stop thinking if he never thought I was pregnant, would he even have proposed to me?"
"I'm really rethinking the whole relationship."
"I've never taken a pregnancy test at his house, so idk if he saw something and thought it was a test or if he's being crazy and making it up?"
"I just messaged his mom back, and I'm going to go over there to talk and figure out what I want to do."
"I do really like his family, and I still love my fiancé or boyfriend."
"Idk what to call him now."
"He's never really done things to make me worry before, so I want to at least listen before I throw everything away."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Everyone agreed that the OP's concerns were valid, with some even encouraging her to end her relationship, though most were left eager to know who the pregnancy test belonged to:
"Bigger question...who in your house IS pregnant?"
"Because obviously, he is not ready for marriage or kids if he is going to find something like that and not have an ACTUAL conversation with you."
"As such, you don't need to be with him."- JustMe518
"NTA."
"Do not marry this man."
"Think about this:"
"He knows you live in a house with other people and at least one of them is also a woman, yet he automatically assumes that something he found in a shared home trashcan belongs to you."
"He does zero due diligence, just assumes and creates a whole story in his head about you being pregnant."
"Because of this, without even trying to have a single conversation with you about it, he unilaterally decides what he thinks is right for the BOTH of you that he is going to try 'step up' by silently and sneakily controlling what you eat and drink."
"Then to top it off, he proposed to you."
"Not because he wants to but because he essentially feels forced to."
"Again, rather than trying to have a singular, private conversation with you (the supposed soon-to-be mother of his child and future wife), he instead decides to 'out', shame, and embarrass you in front of his family and friends and admits in front of all of them that he is only marrying you out of perceived obligation to 'step up'."
"Then instead of actually listening to you, he doubles down when you tell him that you aren't pregnant and sends his mommy after you when you don't come groveling back and asking for forgiveness."
"He knows he f*cked up big time, but rather than be a man and own that giant f*ck up and the likely irreversible damage it's caused your relationship, he is choosing to try and guilt you into going back to him and using his family to do it."
"Do not fall for this."
"The fact that his mommy is even intervening at all says so much about what your future will look like if you are to marry into that family."
"Every time you and he have a slight, she will be there to defend 'her baby'."
"I know that it doesn't look like it now, but you have been given such a beautiful gift with this situation playing out as it did OP."
"Your fiancé, and his family, have given you a sneak preview of exactly who they are and what you will be marrying into before any legal documents have been signed."
"So many people only get to see this side of their spouse, and their spouse's family, once the paperwork has been signed and once there are children on the way."
"Basically, once they think they have you trapped."
"Get out now before it becomes much harder and much more expensive to do so because this behavior will not get better with time."- Lost_Babe
"I'd give back the ring and explain how he humiliated you."
"Tell him you never thought you were pregnant and the test wasn't yours."
"You don't want to be with someone who feels forced to marry you."- jjj68548
"'I don't know what to do. I love my fiancé but i can't stop thinking if he never thought i was pregnant would he even have proposed to me. I'm really rethinking the whole relationship'."
"Not just that, but he thought the moment you got engaged, he could start making choices FOR YOU."
"Yes, no one should drink if they are pregnant; but he not only decided you were, he then made this grand display of taking alcohol away from you and questioning 'the kind of mother you will be' in front of every one'."
"Dude."
"This isn't your person."
"What a creep."
"NTA."- intolerablefem
"For the life of me, I cannot understand why his first move upon finding the test wasn't asking 'hey, is this yours?'"- Missing-the-sun
The OP later returned with an update on the Redditor Updates subReddit, sharing where things currently stood in her relationship, and giving some closure as to whose pregnancy test it was:
"Yesterday I went over to my bf's house, and IT DID NOT GO AS EXPECTED. I honestly don't even know what I was expecting, but after reading some of your comments about whose test it was or if it even was a pregnancy test, I had to find out."
"My bf was really happy to see me when I got there. I don't think his mom told him I was coming."
"He seemed really genuine and kept apologizing."
"His mom asked us to sit down, and she started crying and saying she doesn't want to ruin our relationship, and she loves both of us and wants the best for us."
"Then she shows us a sonogram."
"IT WAS HIS MOM'S TEST."
"Literally all of this stupid drama because my bf is an idiot."
"He said he didn't think his mom could get pregnant anymore because she's in her 40s, so the only other possibility was for it to be mine, but he didn't want to ask me, so I could tell him myself."
"I love surprising people so honestly that does make sense, but like it had been WEEKS."
"He could have said something after all that time."
"His mom said she didn't say anything at the party because she didn't know what she was going to do yet and didn't want everyone at the party finding out."
"But it still bothers me that she let me take the embarrassment instead."
"Or at least tell us after in private instead of letting us not talk for over a week."
"I do kinda feel bad now that my bf really thought I was pregnant and thought I wasn't taking it seriously."
"I talked to him about the engagement and if he meant what he said about 'stepping up'."
"He said he had already had the ring for a while but was waiting for the right time, and when he saw the test, he thought of it as a sign and got excited thinking of us as a little family."
"He says he only said what he said at the party in the heat of the moment, thinking I was someone who would risk 'our baby' like that, and he didn't actually mean it."
"I think I believe him."
"As of now, we aren't engaged anymore, but we are still together."
"I told him we really need to work harder on communication if we want to make our relationship last."
"A lot of comments were saying he's a red flag and stuff, and I can see where you're coming from, but this was really the only time he's been like that."
"I think his intentions were sweet, but came off wrong."
"Also, a lot of people say we are too young to get married, but my parents got married young and are still together, so I think it depends."
"If we do get engaged again, I told him to actually wait until he's ready and not when he thinks he needs to."
The behavior of the OP's, now ex, fiancé was alarming on a number of levels.
Not only did he not find a way to privately ask her if the pregnancy test was her's, but he also chose to yell at her and humiliate her in front of his whole family.
It was probably wise of the OP to tell her fiancé to wait to propose until he feels ready.
Whether or not she will decide they're meant for one another before then remains to be seen.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp