Planning a wedding, while it’s exciting, can be a huge headache.
The stressful part of wedding planning can also be a telling barometer of how a couple can work together when faced with challenges.
One groom was put to the test when he came up with a plan that he thought would make for an ideal wedding reception.
But when drama ensued, he visited the “Am I the A**hole” subReddit to seek judgment.
WiseCheesecake8179 asked:
“AITA for suggesting to my fiancee that my family gets their own room at our wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (25 M[ale]) am recently engaged to my lovely fiancee (25 F[female]). We have been together for 4 years.”
“We have started general wedding planning. Her family is much bigger than mine and she wants more of a ‘party’ type wedding, with lots of music and dancing.”
“My family is all a bit older than hers (she is the oldest sibling while I am the youngest), and they aren’t into big, loud weddings. They would prefer something quiet and more focused on socializing, and I would too.”
“My fiancee said we could do an extended cocktail hour and/or start the reception later so there would be more time for quiet socializing, or even start the whole wedding earlier in the day so it wouldn’t go as late.”
“She also suggested that we could take our wedding photos before the ceremony so that we wouldn’t have to miss cocktail hour to do them.”
“I suggested that instead, we find a venue with two separate rooms. That way her family could have a louder party in one, and mine could have a quiet reception in the other. It would be in the same venue so each side could still go over to the other to socialize.”
“My fiancee said she ‘actually really hates’ that idea. She said she feels like that defeats the purpose of a wedding, which is supposed to symbolize the union of two people and their families.”
“She also said she doesn’t want to do that because she worries I’ll spend the entire reception with my family and that she’ll have to [choose] between spending the night with me but ignoring her family, or being with her family but us ‘basically being separate at our wedding.'”
“She also said she feels like the wedding we’re planning is becoming less and less ours and more mine. She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want.”
“AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
A majority of Redditors thought, “You’re the a**hole” (YTA) in the scenario.
“YTA.”
“She’s right. Your family is going to have to mingle with hers. That’s what a wedding is.”
‘They would prefer.’
“Great, and when they get married, they can have a wedding according to their preferences. It’s not their wedding. It’s yours and your fiancée’s.”
‘My fiancee said we could do an extended cocktail hour and/or start the reception later so there would be more time for quiet socializing, or even start the whole wedding earlier in the day so it wouldn’t go as late. She also suggested that we could take our wedding photos before the ceremony so that we wouldn’t have to miss cocktail hour to do them.’
“Those are all reasonable compromises from her. You should pick one of those.”
‘She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want.’
“And here’s where you are TA. This isn’t a compromise. This is her deferring to you and your wishes. A compromise would have been EITHER a religious service without kids OR a secular service with kids. You’re not looking to compromise, though, you’re looking to dictate conditions.”
“Weddings and marriages are about compromise and communication. Your future wife has already made a lot of concessions for you. Now it’s your turn.”
– 7hr0wn
“His lack of self-awareness is striking. He doesn’t seem to really care what she wants… at all.”
“The two rooms idea is just outright ludicrous, honestly.”
“YTA, OP.”
– Alternative-Number34
“YTA. You should learn what the word ‘compromise’ means prior to marriage. It’s super important. If you both continue down this path before you do, this won’t end well.”
“It might also behoove you to set your family straight NOW rather than later. Your marriage can’t be the equivalent of Burger King where they can have it their way – which is exactly what they (& you currently) seem to believe that it is.”
“Your fiance already ‘compromised’ by giving you a church wedding & inviting children – two of the biggest base issues to decide with a wedding. I’d love to hear about what major base issues she got her way on at all.”
– MyHairsOnFire2023
“This man is RADIATING spoiled youngest child energy. Holy crap. He thinks compromises are him winning. He hasn’t compromised at all – clearly he didn’t learn it growing up.”
“I hope she wasn’t parentified in childhood as the oldest because she sure as hell is going to be parenting this guy’s spoiled a** if he always has to get his own way.”
– randomly-what
“YTA.”
You aren’t compromising at all, and you aren’t hearing your fiancee very clearly tell you that she is aware you aren’t compromising or even considering her as THE person to plan this wedding with.”
“To be honest, I don’t exactly understand what you want out of a reception. You don’t want it to be loud, but you want children involved. You don’t want it to start earlier, and you don’t want an extended cocktail time before the reception. It seems the only thing that would make you happy is two separate rooms.”
“Your fiancee rightfully points out that this would mean there are two events going on, and where would you spend your time? How would anyone have fun at all?”
“So your fiancee has already made two big compromises- children and religious ceremony- and has given you a bunch of ideas that actually really would work. A day wedding with a longer cocktail hour, pictures before the ceremony, give ‘older’ people plenty of time to enjoy family and the venue, and those that want to stay for a ‘louder’ reception could then go and have a great time.”
“But where are you compromising? Where are you putting your fiancee first?”
– mfruitfly
“All of the this. OP, you haven’t compromised a bit. You are putting your bio family’s needs and wishes above your wife and her family who —NEWSFLASH—are about to become your family too.”
“It’s clear to me that you’re not ready to get married when you’re prioritizing your biological family over your spouse.”
“I can envision your poor fiancé’s future. She’s always going to take a backseat to your family, isn’t she?”
“She’s going to be bleeding and emotional just having given birth and you’re going to insist that your entire family come over to the house to spend time with the baby and not raise a single finger to help because god forbid you hurt their feelings or make them uncomfortable for one minute.”
– SisterEmJay
“YTA – I hate this idea too. Legitimately think it is awful.”
“This sounds like you are strong-arming this entire process to get what you want, which is really more what you think your family wants.”
“This wedding should be about what both of you want.”
– jrm1102
“Seriously… two separate rooms at a wedding is literally a candidate for ‘the most outrageously stupid idea I’ve ever heard in my entire life’… And I know a ton of idiots. Like it completely defeats the purpose of having a wedding reception.”
“YTA, OP”
– t*ts_on_break
“It’s such a stupid idea and his lack of compromise makes me think he’s just doing it to be spiteful, like you said, strong arming just to get what he wants. Even if what he wants is stupid, and he knows deep down its stupid, he’ll still push for it just so he gets what he wants and his fiance doesn’t.”
“YTA OP.”
– sara128
“YTA – With all due respect this is a dumb idea. Nothing says this is not a union of families than having two separate rooms. It’s also completely impractical for a wedding. She’s right. You’ll end up in one room and her in the other. Not the most promising start to married life…”
– ReviewOk929
“YTA. Your fiancé has done more than enough compromising; it’s your turn. Also, your family will survive a big loud party for this special occasion and (if they’re not careful) they just might enjoy it.”
– WelfordNelferd
Overall, Redditors thought the OP’s suggestion to separate the two families on such a momentous and celebratory occasion was audacious.
They also thought he needed to be able to compromise, especially after his fiancée was able to come to an agreeable solution to accommodate him.
Hopefully, he will be able to learn from the situation and be a team player in the future if wanted this to be a successful union.