Content Warning: Gender Reveal, Gender Reveal Grief, Misogyny, Domestic Abuse, Divorce
Gender reveal parties have developed an infamous presence, not just because of the damage they can cause like wildfires, but because of how unsavory some future parents’ reactions to their child’s gender can be.
As real as gender reveal grief can be, that grief should never lead to violence, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Open_Breadfruit_5391 was having a good time at her gender reveal party and was looking forward to seeing the reveal of the genders of her soon-to-be-born triplets.
But when it was revealed that all three babies were girls and her husband became violent at the news, the Original Poster (OP) immediately began contemplating divorce.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH For Wanting To Divorce My Husband Because He Wants A Son?”
The OP had a beyond-perfect marriage.
“I (27 Female) have been with my husband (29 Male) for five years and married for three of those years. Our marriage was perfect and we were so happy. It felt like our entire life was perfect. Church on Sunday, loving husband, beautiful home, all of it.”
“A few months into our marriage, I became pregnant, and my husband and I were overjoyed and so was the rest of our family. My husband was especially happy after finding out our baby was a boy as he’d always told me he wanted at least one son.”
“I even started to try to attempt to repair my relationship with my mother so our son could have a relationship with his grandparents.”
“I had originally cut off most contact with my mother due to how she treated my brother when he married his husband, though my brother said he was fine with my decision to try to get her back in my life since he still has love for her and my baby was her first grandchild.”
Then tragedy struck.
“However, our son ended up stillborn, and it broke me.”
“I fell into a depression… but my husband was there for me during all of it, and we got through the grief.”
“Our marriage felt stronger than ever and life started slowly feeling beautiful again, even if it no longer felt perfect.”
But then the OP and her husband got a second chance.
“About five months ago, I found out I was pregnant again and then found out soon after that we were having triplets. My husband and I were over the moon and he was the most doting and loving husband. Since we had always said we wanted two to three children, we agreed we wouldn’t try for any more children after this.”
“Because of our and our family’s excitement for the triplets, we decided to throw a baby shower and gender reveal party. We trusted my brother with the genders of the triplets and he bought some confetti cannons with the colored streamers inside.”
“The baby shower went wonderfully with my parents, in-laws, my brother and his husband and their daughter, and tons of friends and extended family. It was like a dream come true and I was so excited for the gender reveal.”
“I don’t care what the gender of our babies was; I just wanted healthy little babies, but my husband was clearly excited for potentially three sons.”
The gender reveal didn’t go as planned.
“When the time came my husband, my brother, and I all shot a confetti cannon (one for each baby), and all three shot out pink confetti.”
“I was so excited and so was my brother, but my husband screamed at the top of his lungs and hit the table in front of us, hitting it so hard that it actually broke.”
“He screamed at me that I was supposed to give him at least one son because I killed his first one.”
“That’s when I burst into tears. I had been so broken up about our son’s stillbirth and a part of me had felt it was my fault, and now he my husband, the love of my life, was telling me that it was.”
“My brother immediately stepped in and tried to get my husband to calm down, but my husband shoved my brother, so my brother instead pulled me inside, where I cried in the living room while my husband’s mother tried to calm him down.”
“I could hear him screaming outside about how three daughters was too many, how he doesn’t want four kids but he also wants a son, so what choice did I leave him now.”
The OP had to make a tough decision.
“Ever since that moment, my husband has hardly talked to me. He’s been sleeping in the guest room and when we do interact, he’s clearly upset and mad and tries to argue with me.”
“I tried to talk to him about it and asked about how he’ll be with our three daughters.”
“He spat at me and told me he would provide them shelter and food but he isn’t interested in daughters and doesn’t plan to have a close relationship with them.”
“That sealed the deal that I wanted to divorce him, and I cried myself to sleep last night.”
The women in the OP’s life were not supportive of the idea.
“Earlier today, I confided in my mother and MIL (Mother-in-Law) about all this but they told me I can’t divorce my husband just because he wants a son.”
“But I don’t want my daughters to grow up in an unloving household where their parents constantly argue and their father doesn’t love them.”
“The moment my husband said I killed our son, I felt as though I lost all love I had for him in an instant, and I don’t want my daughters to be in that kind of household.”
“However, both my mom and MIL say it’s just natural for men to want sons and that at least he isn’t saying he’ll mistreat them. They treated this as absolute fact and acted as though I was just a silly little girl who didn’t know anything. I felt incredibly small and stupid.”
The OP felt conflicted about what to do next.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“My mother and MIL make me feel like maybe I’m overreacting to my husband’s behavior, but my brother says this is not normal as he and his husband are both men who absolutely love their daughter.”
“I’m also not sure of what I’ll do with myself if I divorce my husband. I don’t work and I’m not sure how I’ll be able to find a job that can support me and three babies all on my own, or how I’ll make time for all of them when I have to work. I feel so lost and helpless.”
“I’m torn on what to do because I worry divorce will be too brash of a decision and that maybe my mother and MIL are right. What should I do?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Fellow Redditors urged the OP to get herself and her daughters to safety.
“NTA. You’re not divorcing him because he wants a son; you’re divorcing him because he has said some truly unforgivable things.”
“I’m so sorry about your son; please know it wasn’t your fault. Your husband it’s truly vile to say what he did and that alone is grounds to end your marriage. Good luck, OP.” – amyloulie
“OP is NTA and is not divorcing a man mourning the loss of a son. She’s divorcing a man who already hates his unborn daughters.”
“OP, you can help support your babies by filing for child support. Her husband is obviously a man in pain, but she and the babies shouldn’t have to be the bearers of that pain.” – EmotionalOven4
“I cannot imagine being present at that event and just standing there saying nothing while he behaved in such an unhinged way. And then to hear him tell you that it was okay and you need to let it go? Absolutely not.”
“Run and run fast. Call your local DV (Domestic Violence) shelter. They’re not just for people in DV situations. They can often point you to local resources to help get you on your feet financially.” – Murky_Ad_7468
“For what it’s worth, the husband DID say he would mistreat his daughters. Saying he explicitly will not have a relationship with them is a parent mistreating their child. So mother and MIL (Mother-in-Law) are incorrect and this comment says all OP needs.” – EmployeePotential622
“Anyone else want to find this man, proceed to form a line, and give him a swift kick in the balls?”
“I normally don’t condone violence, but between not loving his children because of their gender and blaming his poor wife for the trauma of losing a child when it is nobody’s fault, I don’t think he even deserves the chance to have more kids.”
“He will either wind up mistreating more daughters or treat his son like the second coming of J**us and make his daughters feel worthless just from the love he won’t bother to extend to them.” – ThisNerdsYarn
After receiving feedback and reassurance about a divorce, the OP shared an update.
“I didn’t expect to have an update so soon, but after reading everyone’s comments, I decided to take action immediately and went to my brother’s house.”
“We talked for hours through the night and came up with a plan.”
“I am going to divorce my husband. He’s shown the kind of man he is and I don’t want to live in or raise daughters in that kind of environment.”
The OP had a strong support system behind her.
“I’m going to move in with my brother and BIL (Brother-in-Law) during all this. He and his husband have a nice, large house where I can have my own room and a nursery for the triplets.”
“I originally worried that perhaps myself and three babies would be overwhelming or a burden to him and my BIL, but they assured me they would love to have us here. I knew everything would be okay when my brother even offered to have a baby monitor put in their bedroom so he could help if more than one of the triplets woke up during the night.”
“My BIL has a nice, high-paying job and my brother works from home, so I will have a stable environment and my brother will help with his nieces. My own niece is excited for us to live with her.”
“The current plan is I will live with my brother and BIL for a while and once my babies are old enough where I feel comfortable putting them in daycare, which my BIL has offered to pay for, then I can try to find a job of my own where I can save up money and eventually move into a nice place of my own with my daughters.”
“I’m so thankful for my brother and BIL; they truly feel like angels.”
The OP and her brother also had a plan for their mother.
“My brother and I are also going to go no contact with my mother.”
“My brother and I discussed her behavior with us growing up, how she treated him when he came out and also got married, and how she’s treated me these past few days.”
“We decided this was the best course of action as we’ve given her many chances in our lives to became more stable and kind but she’s always refused them, and we want our daughters to grow up with a loving family.”
“When I knew my husband had left for church this morning, my brother, BIL, and I went to my house and got all my important things such as documents, clothes, and things that are special to me as well as all the baby things.”
“My BIL’s mother watched my niece while we did all this. She’s a kind woman and has offered to be a grandmother to my babies, which I happily accepted. I will admit that I cried, I’ve cried a lot lately, but they were mostly happy tears.”
The OP also had support from her church.
“Because my brother and I didn’t go to church, my ladies’ bible study group texted me and asked if we were alright and if we needed anything.”
“I texted them back and told them the truth about what happened, and they were all horrified. They told me they support me and are proud of me for taking action, and are now even planning a bake sale at the church to help raise money for me and my babies.”
“Also, apparently when my husband went out to lunch after church with his men’s bible study group, one of the other members is the husband of one of my friends in my bible study group, and when he found out what happened, he yelled at my husband so much that he cried. I got a little bit of joy out of hearing about that, not going to lie.”
“My pastor even called me and asked if I’m okay, and he let me know that I’ll always have people who support me at my church, which I’m very grateful for.”
The OP’s soon-to-be ex-husband then lashed out at her.
“After my husband came home from church and saw that most of my stuff was gone, he blew up my phone.”
“My BIL called him for me and said that he would pay for my husband to get therapy for his grief over our son and also told him to leave me alone. My husband has not tried to contact me since, and he has yet to give my BIL an answer for his therapy offer.”
“All in all, I’m so grateful for my brother and BIL. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without them. I’m hopeful for the future, and while this isn’t the kind of future I imagined myself or my babies, this is definitely the best one I can currently give them. They say it takes a village, and my babies will definitely have a village full of love and support.”
“Thank you and bless you to everyone who left comments supporting me. I’m grateful for all of them. I’m glad I could give you a very speedy and happy update.”
Fellow Redditors were endlessly relieved that the OP had support and got away.
“I am so happy you have a strong support group! You are doing what is best for you and your girls. Giving them a happy, safe life with people who care about them.”
“Do not let your soon-to-be ex gaslight you into going back to him. He has shown you who he really is and you need to remember that.”
“His cruel words about your son are unforgivable. Best of luck!” – Different-Effect2069
“I know, they’re showing an example of what good parents actually are like. Their daughter is lucky to have them for parents and OP is lucky to have them for family and so are her unborn daughters.” – Unusual-Focus1905
“OP is also sort of lucky this happened the way it did. What if she had had one daughter, then they kept trying and ended up having two more daughters down the line? What if over the years they still didn’t end up with a son and he blew up later? She could have been stuck with him for years without seeing this behavior.”
“Good that she got it all out in the open in one shot, in my opinion, and I’m grateful she had this support system backing her while she got it all figured out.” – larenardemaigre
“I am happily surprised the church is supporting you. That’s what a church is SUPPOSED to do. Most can’t get out of their own way. So hold tight, momma.”
“Love your two brothers (in-law means nothing based on how he treats you as blood), and make a new family for yourself.” – llamadrama2021
“Your brother and his husband sound like angels. You and your children will be very lucky to have such a loving family in their lives.”
“You’re definitely making the right decision! I’m sure you’ve already considered this, but definitely be sure to discuss all of this with a divorce attorney as soon as possible so that you can get your ducks in a row for child custody and potentially child support from your ex, as well.” – Brodondo
The subReddit not only thought it was a no-brainer for the OP to walk away from her marriage, but they were grateful she was doing it as soon as possible to keep herself and her three daughters safe and that she had such a strong support system her while she started safely anew.