Anyone who has struggled with conceiving can agree how emotionally exhausting it is while trying to become pregnant.
But that doesn’t give anyone the right to take away from someone else’s happiness, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor wold-into was worried about how his wife was going to handle attending another woman’s baby shower while they were struggling to get pregnant themselves.
But when he saw how she actually behaved, the Original Poster (OP) was conflicted about what to do.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my wife it was a mistake to stay at a baby shower?”
The OP was so far unsuccessful in conceiving a baby with his wife.
“My wife (26 Female) and I (28 Male) have been married for a year and began trying to conceive in September. No luck so far, but the doctor did say at our first appointment that it typically takes close to a year for most couples to conceive.”
“She’s been telling people that she’s infertile (which isn’t true, the doctor said she isn’t).”
The OP’s wife was recently invited to a baby shower.
“My wife and I went to my work Christmas party in mid-December, where my wife met my coworker’s wife (let’s call her Mary), and they took a liking to each other.”
“Mary was pregnant and invited my wife to her baby shower (which was yesterday), and my wife sounded excited to go.”
“I asked her when we were alone if she thought she would be fine. I know my wife and I know what typically bothers her. I knew she wouldn’t bask in happiness over someone else’s pregnancy so I urged her to think it through.”
“She said she was fine and she was excited about it, so she went.”
The OP’s concerns became a reality.
“The baby shower was yesterday. About 40 minutes in, she called me and asked me to come.”
“I was at a cafe nearby because I knew she wouldn’t stay long.”
“I found her at the entrance of the house crying and a BUNCH of women consoling her.”
“When she saw me, she came to me and pulled me to the garden to talk. She said she was dancing and looked at Mary’s pregnant belly and couldn’t take it anymore, started crying, and ran out.”
“All of Mary’s friends followed her out to console her.”
“I consoled her myself and said, ‘Okay, let’s go, babe. Where do you want to go? We can go for a drive so you can feel better.'”
His wife’s reaction surprised the OP.
“She looked at me weirdly and asked why she would leave.”
“I asked why she would stay.”
“She said she felt better now and could go have a good time.”
“I sighed and said, ‘Babe, you know that’s not going to happen. And I doubt the attention will be on Mary after this, and that’s not great. It’s her baby shower and she deserves to be celebrated. I can’t see how people are going to shift their focus from consoling you to celebrating her if you’re still there.'”
“She rolled her eyes at me and said she was going back in and that I could leave.”
The OP was shocked when he saw what had become of the party.
“Three hours later, the party was nearing its end, so I went back to pick her up.”
“My coworker and I stepped into the house, and lo and behold, everyone was sitting in a circle with my wife being the center of attention.”
“My coworker looked for his wife and she wasn’t there at all. He called her and she said she had left ages ago.”
The OP attempted to discuss what happened with his wife.
“My wife and I entered the car and I first asked her how she was feeling, and we spoke about it for a few minutes.”
“I then asked her what happened and why Mary left.”
“She said, ‘Oh crap, Mary. I forgot to say bye to her.'”
“I told her Mary left ages ago. I then said, ‘I know you’re going through a hard time, but why on earth would you and her friends do this? If they consoled you for a few minutes, that’s fine, but the entire party? We really should’ve left earlier.'”
“She looked at me so offended and asked, ‘Are you Mary’s husband or mine?'”
“We stared at each other for a while and just drove home in silence.”
Things weren’t any better the next morning.
“I told her I wanted to talk to her this morning to sort things out, but she ignored me and left the house.”
The OP also added additional information in the comments.
“I think it’s worth it to include that my coworker told me that Mary moved to this country for him and has had trouble finding friends and has felt isolated, so he was so happy my wife and other people showed up for her.”
“He probably didn’t expect the day to end the way it did. I’m so mortified, I can’t even bring myself to call him.”
The OP also clarified that he didn’t expect something like this from his wife.
“I didn’t predict that she would cause a scene. I told her to rethink going because I was trying to save her from feeling bad. She tends to get bummed out when other people achieve things that she hasn’t yet.”
“She was bummed out when her little sister got engaged before we did, but she didn’t cause a scene at any of the parties or at the wedding and put up the whole ‘happy for you’ act quite well. She would only speak to me about how she was feeling when we were alone.”
“If you had told me a few months ago that she would pull this, I would’ve laughed and said, ‘No way.'”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were appalled by how Mary was treated at her baby shower.
“I feel so bad for Mary! I almost cannot believe her own (I assume close) friends didn’t even notice her absence in favor of consoling a virtual stranger! I guess OP’s wife must have put on quite the performance…” – Tiny_Conversation984
“That poor woman! I wonder if that’s exactly why OP’s wife stayed, to take all the attention away from the mom-to-be and have it on her. Sounds like a weird power-play situation, but that’s just speculation on my part. I can guarantee she basked in all the attention, though.” – Positive-Ad-7767
“Mary left her own shower, AND NO ONE NOTICED!!! That’s how much attention was on OP’s wife.” – ladancer222
“NTA. I don’t blame her for the initial distress, but this could’ve all been avoided had she just left with you when you suggested it. I can’t bring myself to understand why she stayed. And the fact that she didn’t even realize Mary left…”
“What a mess. I hope Mary has other friends and family she can host for celebrations going forward because your wife and the friends who were in attendance are not really Mary’s friends, in my opinion.” – stacko-
“I usually think it’s obnoxious when people do more than one celebration for a pregnancy (e.g. shower plus gender reveal, etc.) but I think poor Mary needs a do-over without OP’s wife present.” – FluffyPinkPotato
Others agreed and questioned if the OP’s wife needed therapy.
“A whole room full of sympathetic women she could feed attention from. Why would she go anywhere else? Just top it up with a bit of attention from her husband who’s on standby nearby and then back to the group of women.”
“Other people’s events are merely put on for the benefit of OP’s wife to take the center stage.” – Used_Grocery_9048
“OP, at the absolute, barest minimum, you have to keep your wife away from your coworkers. This kind of unhinged behavior is going to tank your professional reputation.”
“I guarantee you that your workplace is already gossiping about how awful your wife is, and like it or not, that reflects on you.” – TomatoWitchy
“OP, your wife may have a histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder (look it up and see if she fits); regardless, she needs therapy. Here’s why I say something is seriously wrong with her:”
“She is telling people she’s infertile when she’s not – she wants attention and sympathy she doesn’t deserve. It’s insulting to people who are infertile;”
“Her complete lack of empathy for the kind pregnant woman whose party she ruined;”
“Her selfish actions at the party;”
“You waiting nearby because you ‘know how she is,’ meaning you knew she’d pitch a juvenile fit at some point, and you were staying nearby (wasting your own time) to catch her when she ‘needed you.'”
“She’s mad at you for no reason whatsoever. No wait, that’s wrong, she’s mad that you called her out regarding her self-centered behavior.”
“You honestly shouldn’t be trying to conceive until a qualified licensed therapist tells you she’s ready to do so mentally. Your wife is the type of woman who will use her child to get attention, and who will eventually traumatize the child by becoming jealous of it. Best wishes, NTA.” – Horror-Newt108
“OP’s wife is a huge AH and OP is not. The wife is claiming infertility when the doctor has told her not infertile, so she’s lying about this. OP knew she would pitch a fit and stayed nearby, and guess what, the wife pitched a fit, OP showed up, the wife was the center of attention, the OP also consoled his wife, and then his wife insisted on staying rather than removing her disruptive self from someone else’s party!”
“By the end of the party, the guest of honor had left in disgust at his wife’s attention-stealing antics, and nobody even noticed, and OP’s wife was the center of attention and just lapping it up!”
“And the wife’s upset that OP called her out on ruining someone else’s party with her false infertility act?? Not sure what that’s called (narcissism?), but it stinks.” – Direct_Gas470
After receiving feedback, the OP posted an update.
“I texted my coworker (let’s call him Frank) and asked if we could talk, so we met up during our lunch break.”
“I apologized for everything that happened. He kept telling me it was fine and being so nice about it, and that kind of made me feel worse.”
“He said he had booked Mary a ticket back home for a week and that her sisters and friends were going to surprise her with another baby shower.”
“I asked if he’d mind if my wife and I pay the expenses of the baby shower they were going to throw.”
“He laughed and said no way but that he appreciated it. We went back and forth a bit, but he eventually said he’d ask his sister-in-law how much she spends on everything and then would let me know and we can pay half of it.”
The OP had a follow-up discussion with his wife.
“I spoke to my wife when I got home from work.”
“She apologized for ignoring me and said she doesn’t know why she behaves like this. She said she is embarrassed and she can’t bring herself to come to terms with how she behaved.”
“We also spoke about the infertility thing. She said she thought her saying it out loud and discussing it with people would make it easier for her if she found out she was actually infertile because she would’ve already come to terms with it.”
“I don’t get it, but hey, at least she didn’t dodge accountability this time and did acknowledge that it’s wrong and she needs to stop.”
“It’s slightly worrying to me how she sounds like a completely new person so often lately. Almost like there are multiple versions of her, who don’t know each other.”
The OP was left feeling hopeful.
“I said I’m glad she now realizes it was wrong and asked her to send flowers or something with an apology note to Mary’s house.”
“I also mentioned that I offered to pay for the next baby shower and she told me to insist that SHE pay it all and not half.”
“I said I’m fine with splitting it.”
“She also said she would bake a cake and go to Mary personally to apologize.”
“I told her Mary is leaving town for a week so that will have to wait until she gets back, but she did send a lengthy text with a sincere (in my opinion) text.”
“Mary responded by saying my wife didn’t need to apologize and that she understands what happened, and thanked her for attending her baby shower. Mary also apologized for leaving without saying goodbye to my wife and the rest of the guests.”
“Do you see how nice Mary and Frank are? Jesus Ch**st.”
“We decided on both individual and couple’s therapy soon. It was a given that we would stop trying for a baby, so that’s definitely on hold for now. So yeah, that’s it for now, I guess. I’ve never been to therapy, and neither has she, so I’m hoping this is the beginning of our relationship getting much healthier, and our individual growths as well.”
With all of the attention-seeking that happened in the OP’s first post, fellow Redditors were surprised to see his update.
But while some thought that this was a sign of the more positive character the OP believed his wife possessed, others thought this “apology” cake and paying for the whole second baby shower herself was another way to draw attention to herself.