Everybody needs downtime to decompress.
But sometimes that downtime just has to wait.
Especially when more important things take precedent.
This is especially true when a person has loved ones depending on them.
Some life partners just don't understand.
Redditor Emergency-Degree9413 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting my partner to go fishing when I get out of the hospital?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (26 F[emale]) have just had my 4th baby 5 weeks ago."
"I became severely unwell with mastitis and became septic and ended up in hospital on IV fluids and antibiotics for 48 hours."
"My partner (26 M[ale]) asked if he could go fishing when I get home, the 48 hours would be up in the evening, and he would go when I got home."
"He said he would take the 3 older kids, and I would just have the baby at home."
"I've been away from my partner and 3 kids for days and have missed them and still do not feel 100%."
"He said he's worked hard all week and needs some downtime, time to do something he enjoys."
"It's also our daughter's birthday party the next day that I have to organize."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for not wanting him to go fishing, and instead help me and spend time with me after being in the hospital for 3 days?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. This man isn't even trying to pretend he cares... lol."
"You had a baby, ended up with a horrible situation postpartum, and HE needs time off?"
"Girlfriend, please… Respectfully, stop having kids with this dude and leave him." ~ TheJusticeFactory
"NTA. You gave birth 5 weeks ago, and you ended up septic?"
"And he is not bending over backwards to coddle you like a Godd*mn Faberge egg for a few days?
"But instead of going fishing?"
"Who is he planning to be nearby you if you need help?"
"If you start to show symptoms again, but you instinctively ignore it cause you have an infant to care for?"
"Has he gotten any information from health care professionals about how serious this actually is?"
"If you have spotted an older, mildly grumpy, but kind nurse or doctor around, feel free to mention this to them."
"I used to work in health care, and would gladly chew him out a bit, and I suspect most of the people I worked with would." ~ MistressLyda
"NTA. Sepsis and mastitis can be fatal, and just because you are out of the hospital does not mean you have completely recovered."
"He is a father first; his downtime can wait."
"I would also move your daughter's birthday party to a later date; your health comes first."
"Maybe invite your family or in-laws over to help and to shed light on what a useless and unreliable husband you have."
"Once you have recovered, a wake-up call conversation would be a good idea." ~ KlavierKillah
"Ummm… this is highly inappropriate for your husband to do."
"I can tell he's never been septic."
"It's going to take your body weeks to recover…and that's IF you were healthy before."
"The fact that you're recovering from having a baby tells me that it will only complicate things."
"He should be home helping you prep for the party."
"He should be the one doing 80%+ of the work."
"It sounds more like you're a married single mom." ~ Wandering_aimlessly9
"Y'all are choosing life partners too quickly and early in life. NTA." ~ Bada**BokoblinPsycho
"NTA- this man thinks he needs time off after you just carried and birthed his 4th child and had a medical emergency??"
"That is wild."
"Your partner is a massive selfish a**hole."
"Please stop having children with this man." ~ Impressive_Moment786
"This is not going to end well."
"Dude needs to step up, man up, help with the birthday party, help you, and forget about himself and his need for downtime for the next year."
"When you can get some you time, he can have some him time. 🤔🚩NTA." ~ Downtown_Barber_499
"NTA. You're just being discharged from the hospital."
"Cancel your doing anything, including arranging your kid's birthday party; tell him that it's up to him to make it happen; and tell her that "mommy is still not well enough to do this."
"If he goes fishing, check into an all-day spa that provides child care for your infant."
"You need some 'me time' too." ~ Individual_Ad_9213
"NTA... BUT! I'm not going to jump to condemn him like everyone else is doing."
"You guys are SO YOUNG to have 4 kids, and I bet your partner got really, really scared about the prospect of losing his partner (both at such a young age for him and with four young kids at risk of losing their mom) over the past few days and is looking to mentally decompress and reset emotionally."
"I actually think fishing is a really constructive way to manage that, all things considered."
"Where he went wrong is the timing."
"He needs to buckle down for a few more days and get everyone through the party and back to a sense of normalcy."
"Unfortunately, one of the big challenges of adulthood is managing your stress and emotions until you have the opportunity for a healthy outlet, which is often deferred due to life's responsibilities and commitments."
"You guys should have a quiet chat together about how you're both feeling in the meantime, and then I think you should each find personal time in the upcoming weeks."
"In the long run, it would probably help you guys to do a bit of couples counseling."
"Not because I think there's anything wrong (I don't have enough information to say that either way), but because it will help equip you guys to be the best partners and parents you can be."
"I have a really strong marriage, and I find lots of benefit in it - like healthy relationship maintenance." ~ gabi_ooo
"NTA… except… kinda to yourself for accepting this crap from a man you have had 4 children with."
"This is likely not a singular incident and more so shows a pattern… which I hope you can see for what it is." ~ SweetLemonLollipop
"Wow. That's so f**ked up of him."
"He should WANT to be there with you to help you."
"Selfish as hell."
"My husband would NEVER."
"I'm so sorry he is your husband."
"I can't even put into words how f**ked up that is."
"You should show him this post."
"Of course, he'd probably just fight with you about it, so maybe you shouldn't, but like I'm just so blown away by the selfishness."
"Unforgivable. NTA OBVIOUSLY!!! " ~ Maggiemoo621
"NTA. If you do not feel 100%, he should stay home."
"Imagine if you needed more medical care after he left, or something happened where you couldn't care for your baby, and no one else was around?"
"This has nothing to do with missing each other and your kids; the practicality of recovering from a major medical event needs to be considered."
"The fishing trip can happen another weekend." ~ Dry_Price_1765
"HOLY F***!!!"
"I don't even know where to start."
"Just leave him, honestly."
"Who in their right mind considers that a reasonable request?"
"And I bet he'll be so butthurt when you say no and paint you as the enemy despite your circumstances. NTA." ~ Altruistic_Tell3423
"NTA! After 3 KIDS, you think he would understand that you should be cared for, especially after what sounds like a traumatic delivery and admission."
"I think you, if possible, should take your own break somewhere."
"That'll give him his downtime.'"
"I'm so sorry!" ~ Conscious_Boss_3048
"NTA. I hope your post serves as a warning to other women to NOT marry the first guy that proposes."
"Please make sure you guys have a partner who is helpful with EVERYTHING."
"If your partner isn't as invested in the pregnancy as you are, leave them."
"They should be reading all the same baby books, going to the appts, etc. INVOLVED."
"Also, 4 kids before 26 is... impressive."
"I'm not sure why he thinks you guys would have the time for 'downtime' anytime soon." ~ sweetest_potatoes
"NTA He's selfish."
"He's complaining about working hard when you have literally bee in the hospital."
"Nope, he doesn't get to go."
"You need support, and it's also absolutely ridiculous for him not step in to plan the party."
"He's a father and a partner first; he can fish when you are recovered." ~ International-Fee255
"NTA. The only AH here is your partner! You have just given birth to his baby, been seriously unwell and in hospital, and all he can think of is to go fishing the minute you get home 😡😡."
"He's a massive, selfish AH!"
"Instead of going fishing, he needs to keep his backside at home with you and the kids."
"That is where he's needed right now, the fish will still be there in a few days." ~ Nanamoo2008
"NTA - I'm sorry you are married to a bozo!!"
"You went through something massive, and as a reward to himself, he wants to take the three older kids fishing… work on getting your ducks in a row and leave him, he doesn't care about you!" ~ Herlock-Sholme5
"He wants to go fishing, leaving a woman who has just delivered a baby and had mastitis entirely on her own??"
"Even if he does take the other three with him, that's totally unreasonable."
"Someone should be with you for company, and to help if you don't feel like making meals or cleaning."
"And don't plan the daughter's birthday party."
"Let him do it, especially since it apparently comes when he wants to have charge of the older children."
"He can make it a fishing party."
"Forgot to add NTA." ~ SavingsRhubarb8746
Reddit is with you all the way, OP.
You need help.
He needs to be there for you and your kids.
He can fish later.
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp