Content Warning: Birth Trauma, Pregnancy Trauma, Pregnancy Complications, High-Risk Pregnancy, Childbirth Complications
At least in principle, it's wonderful to try to be there for your family, no matter what.
But once you get married and start a life with your partner, and maybe have children with them, they become your primary family.
While it might be hard to choose between loved ones when they need you at the same time, your partner and children should come first, urged the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor False_Wolverine9136 went through a traumatic birth with her second child, where she had to stay in the hospital longer than expected to make sure she and her baby would be okay.
When her husband received a call from his family, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked that he was willing to leave without knowing whether she was okay, and she considered divorcing him because of it.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by wanting to leave my husband for leaving me alone to go to a funeral less than a week after I gave birth?"
The OP had a traumatic and dangerous birth experience with her second child.
"I need some clarity on this because I’m sure my hormones are raging right now."
"I (31 Female) just gave birth to my second child on Saturday."
"There were complications after birth, and I ended up hemorrhaging and losing four units of blood."
"I had to have emergency surgery, stayed longer in the hospital for monitoring and blood transfusions, and came home the following Tuesday, four days after birth."
In the meantime, her husband received news that his cousin's grandfather had passed away.
"While all of this was going on, my husband (40 Male) was in contact with his family and found out that his cousin's grandfather died."
"There isn't an easy way to explain it, but my husband has no relation to this person and only knew him growing up. The family connection has been severed for over a decade."
"My mother-in-law (MIL) is also coming to town on Wednesday (five days after birth) and staying through the following week."
"She and I do not get along, and I could make a million 'AIO' and 'AITAH (Am I the A**hole)' threads just about the interactions she and I have had."
"Well, my husband's family is asking him to drive eight hours away to attend the funeral this weekend, less than a week after I’ve given birth and gone through so much trauma, and while HIS mother is staying at our house."
This, unfortunately, would not be the first time that something like this happened.
"I want to add, this is not the first time my husband has left me after a major surgery to fend for myself."
"I had to have knee surgery in 2020 that left me non-weight-bearing for three months. In that situation, I had surgery on Tuesday, and my husband left for a work trip the following Friday and then added on a week-long trip immediately after that to visit his friend, who had heart surgery. We lived far from family (Alaska), so I had no one to help me with doctor appointments or even getting around the house."
"It's also not the first time he's tried to leave me alone with his mother despite me repeatedly telling him I'm not comfortable with it because of the way she speaks to me. He says he fully supports me but then tries to push her off on me."
"I also missed my grandmother’s funeral, whom I ACTUALLY WAS very close with, because it did not happen at a time I felt comfortable traveling to go to with our son (three years old), and he didn't help me make it happen."
These travel plans felt like the final straw for the OP.
"But the fact that he brought it up to me before we had even been discharged to the hospital because he wants to go to this funeral for a man he isn’t even related to, after I had almost died a few days prior, has really just deflated all my hope for this marriage, and I’m losing feelings. I'm strongly considering divorce over this."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that this felt like a "final straw" situation, not an overreacting one.
"The fact that you are asking this question (as well as some of the examples) shows that this is the straw that broke the camel's back… NOR, in my opinion." - Adventurous-berry564
"Your feelings are 100% valid, and the fact that you’re even questioning your marriage means this has been building for a long time."
"I think your husband has been giving you example after example of not caring for you in a way that you need and deserve, and this particular one was the cherry on top. You're not overreacting at all." - GumGalaxyBubble
"I'm gonna quote something I just read in another thread that I think applies here: 'It’s always interesting to compare the straw that broke the camel's back to the anvil that preceded it.' NOR." - ATLBoy1996
"I wouldn't call leaving your postpartum wife alone for days a straw. More like a huge a** log." - r_coefficient
"This is 100% the final straw. NOR."
"Yes, OP is emotional now, but often that just means that all the filters are down and your true thoughts and feelings are up front and center. Nothing is imposing on you to swallow your thoughts and be as expected."
"It is worth making him explain just why he is prioritizing this non-relative he was never close to and hasn't talked to in a decade over his wife, who almost died, and the two children that need his love and care."
"Sounds like he just wants an excuse to fly south and hang out with some folks. The funeral is an excuse to leave. An excuse to ignore the work and responsibilities at home that you physically cannot do."
"If he stayed, he would need to step up. As a parent, a husband, an adult, and a man. He doesn't feel up to that (more like, 'I don't wannaaaaaaa'), so he wants to fly away home to be a boy again and pretend the hard work isn't his. He doesn't understand that this is the moment you could lose all respect for him and stop seeing him as a desirable partner. As a man to be relied upon when you are vulnerable."
"This is his make it or break it moment as a husband, and he needs to realize that."
"Personally, if the MIL relationship is as bad as you say, I would put my foot down and say she can't come right now. Not after what you just went through, you have no bandwidth to deal with her. Even if he is there or not. Give you a couple of months."
"Especially if he is thinking of bailing. Warn him that if he bails, you will not let his mother in the house and will tell her and the entire family it is his fault. You would remind everyone that she and you do not have a good relationship, and after what you have just gone through, you emotionally simply can't add the stress of that bad relationship. It, and his leaving, are the last straws."
"If you need a cover story for her to not come, just point out that plans changed in a BIG way: pregnancy complications AND a funeral, and visits can come later. If she can't understand that, she shouldn't come around anyway."
"You need to contact someone to be a support for you. A friend or family member. Get them up to Alaska to be with you. Especially during the time when he may bail on you."
"I hope he decides to grow up. NOR." - RazzmatazzOk2129
Others agreed and theorized that the husband was not willing to be there "in sickness and in health" for the OP.
"It seems like every time OP has a medical issue and needs her husband's support, he swans off somewhere else."
"OP, definitely do not let his mother into the house if he is not there to run interference. She is not your mother, you did not invite her, so if your husband is not there, choose to prioritize yourself and your sense of peace and comfort in your own home, and do not let her into the house."
"Instead, make arrangements to have someone from your family or a friend come stay with you, and if that is not possible, hire a local who can come in each day. You cannot do this alone; you already have a child at home, and you've had major surgery with significant blood loss, so you are physically weakened and need help."
"If this is the final straw, you are NOR for starting the divorce process, but perhaps, just to avoid any allegations from his legal team that you made a decision when your hormones were doing all the talking, wait a few months to start the paperwork if that works for you. If you're able to have a friend or family member come stay with you while he's gone, one thing they could help you with is to plan your exit and maybe take some of your more valuable possessions and important documents with them, so you know that they're already accounted for outside of that house."
"If not, go ahead and do it now, but stay as calm and focused as you can throughout any and all conversations and discussions about how you want to proceed so that you can counter, if not prevent, all those 'hormone' blaming comments from his side with your calm demeanor."
"OP, I wish you a speedy recovery. Congratulations on the new baby!" - Proverbs21-3
"Not overreacting at all."
"He’ll continue to do things like this, if my ex was anything to go on."
"I gave birth twice. Each time, he belted back to work from the city I delivered in, leaving me to drive for six hours home on a rubber ring with a newborn (Farmer but with staff)."
"I lost one baby at 22 weeks, and he couldn’t stick around to pick up the ashes with me. I drove myself to the hospital, pregnant with serious gastro TWICE because he felt sick too (he wasn’t throwing up or anything; he thought he might get a migraine), couldn’t bring clothes to me in various hospital stays or visit…..I can keep going, but I let it all slide."
"Don’t be me. Call the selfish a** out. He’s using events that’ll make you feel bad if you complain to catch a break. Work, a sick friend, a funeral for someone he doesn’t really care about. It won’t stop. Get you and your precious babies out." - Key-Box-2958
"NOR. This man doesn’t love you, and he certainly doesn’t believe in sickness and in health."
"I had a stroke at 42. I couldn’t be prouder of how my husband has stepped up to care for me and find a way together to get through this challenge. It sounds like your husband would be one who leaves their wives with cancer. I’m sorry."
"NOR. Leave him, and have a wonderful life with your children." - beccagate
"Well, this sucks. I’m so sorry you went through such a traumatic experience."
"I’m sorry he can’t show up for you. You have to decide if this is what you want your next twenty years to look like. Because they will. And it will get worse."
"These kids will see straight through the coward their father is. They will hate him for it. You already resent him."
"Just get yourself some peace. Your kids', too."
"Leave him. Do not sleep with him ever again." - pardonyourmess
"NOR. At this point, I think I‘d be already buying a plane ticket for my own mother to come visit me while he‘s gone and planning on how to take my kids and me back to my family because THIS isn’t what I consider a family."
"No good husband would leave you and his newborn baby alone after this short period of time together, or have you with his mother if the relationship between the two of you is this bad, and you clearly stated that you aren’t comfortable being with her."
"You just gave birth; you and the baby should be the most important right now, and your boundaries should always be respected."
"Hormones or not, this is not okay. Call your mom, your family, your best friend, someone, and make an exit plan. It's time for you and your kids to start over. NOR." - Re_becca_23
The subReddit was not only shocked that the husband was even considering going on this trip, but that he was considering it for someone he had no emotional connection to, after his wife and the mother of his children had just had a dangerous childbirth experience.
The OP needed support, healing time, and a calming environment, not a mother-in-law who would argue with her and thrust upon her all the responsibilities of the baby and home while her husband traveled.
If he thought this counted as being there through "sickness and health," he needed to think again.
