Anyone who has spent any amount of time around a pregnant woman has likely heard of the term ‘nesting’ and may have even seen the mother-to-be’s tornado of a home while she was going through that phase of preparing for her child’s birth.
But a person really cannot understand how intense, and honestly propulsive, nesting is until they’ve been pregnant themselves, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
While nesting, Redditor MicrowaveMen worked her way through her home, including cleaning the his and hers closets in the master bedroom, resulting in one suitcase that needed to be located.
She asked her husband to move the suitcase that was too heavy for her, and after he neglected to move it, she tripped over it.
But the Original Poster (OP) was then shocked when he accused her of tripping on purpose to “prove a point” about him taking care of the suitcase.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for ‘purposefully’ tripping over a suitcase and guilt-tripping my husband?”
The OP was deep in the nesting phase while preparing for her baby’s arrival.
“I (32 Female) am currently eight months pregnant with our first, and I am trying to do everything I can to make sure the house is ready. This started with little spring cleaning jobs but has developed into a full-blown deep clean of everything.”
“One of the things I have decluttered recently was my husband’s (33 Male) and my closet. I donated everything we don’t wear, and have folded and put away everything that we won’t need during winter.”
“Some of this clothing has gone into a suitcase, which is currently sitting on our bedroom floor because it is too heavy for me to lift and put away.”
“I have asked my husband to please help me more than once, but he is always either too tired after finishing work or he says that it slips his mind.”
“All in all, the suitcase is currently looking like a permanent installation in our bedroom. It’s been on the floor for between three and four weeks now. He has at least shifted it out of the main walkway in the interim.”
Little did the OP know, the suitcase had become its own sort of obstacle course.
“Last night, I woke up to go to the bathroom and ended up tripping over the suitcase as I fumbled in the dark. I do obviously know where it is after it has been there for so long, but I was half asleep and trying to avoid our sleeping pup.”
“While the fall wasn’t bad, I did wake my husband in the process.”
“My husband was initially quite worried, especially since our midwife told us any fall needed a trip to the hospital, but once he realized it was because of the suitcase, he became quite upset.”
“He said that there was no way I could have tripped over the suitcase unintentionally as he had moved it out of the walkway, and I had done it to ‘prove a point.'”
“He said that he could not believe I would behave so passive-aggressively and put our baby’s life at risk rather than just asking him again and that forgetting to move the case is not a crime.”
“The more I tried to explain that I was trying to avoid waking him and tripping over the dog, the more he said that these were just convenient excuses to make him look lazy and unhelpful around the house.”
“He said I was punishing him for not getting to the suitcase sooner, and that if anything, I should have had a plan to deal with it from the beginning as it was me who had wanted to sort out the closet in the first place.”
Speaking to the OP’s midwife led to further consequences.
“My husband was fired up again after I mentioned to the midwife this morning that I had tripped over a suitcase, and he said I could have just told her that I had fallen over the dog or my shoelaces.”
“He said that he had made his feelings clear during the night when we had our discussion, and I was rubbing salt in the wounds now.”
The OP was also surprised by her own mother’s take on the situation.
“I spoke to my mom (61 Female) about it after we got back from the midwife because I wanted to vent, and she surprisingly took his side and said I was letting my emotions get the best of me.”
“My mom said I should have been more graceful bringing it up in front of the midwife (although I will say that I never said anything about asking him to move it), and she said that the situation has probably made my husband feel quite bad about himself which is why it has turned into such ‘big drama.'”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Most found the husband to be defensive of his laziness, if not a totally problematic partner.
“Your husband knows he screwed up. Maybe not consciously, but he’s being hella defensive which tells me that somewhere in his unconscious, he knows it was his fault. (I’m a psychologist and I love working with defenses so I see this a lot.)”
“There was probably a moment when you first tripped over the suitcase and he thought that the baby could’ve died and it would’ve been his fault. That’s an incredibly painful belief to hold and so his unconscious defenses kicked in and turned it around on you. The fact that he wanted you to lie to the midwife further supports this. If he believed he didn’t do anything wrong, then why would he want you to lie?”
“To be clear, this is an educated guess. I don’t know for certain what was going on in your husband’s head. But regardless, him accusing you of intentionally putting your baby in harm’s way in order to ‘prove a point’ makes him an AH. Who assumes that about their partner?!”
“Ask him if he genuinely thinks so little of you that you would risk killing your baby in order to prove a point. That might make him confront himself and realize what an absurd accusation it was. And if it doesn’t work and he continues saying these horrible things about you, well … good luck, OP.” – LavenderGooms_
“How long would it take to put a suitcase where it belongs?”
“Imagine being pregnant, so you’re lifting an imaginary suitcase here. No risk involved. Set a little stopwatch on your phone.”
“Be slow and wiggly about it because an almost-cooked baby is being formed and that means slow and awkward and maybe painful. Danger zone baby time! Best cooked to completion, no suitcase tomfoolery.”
“How long would it take to walk into the room, make a space for the suitcase where it should go, walk to the suitcase, lift it, and slide it onto that shelf, then take a moment to catch your breath? Then hit the stop button on the phone. Less than two minutes?”
“And this silly man just leaves it on the floor. For weeks. What a champion! This is going to be a fun life for all three of them.” – KarateFrogForever
“What in the h**l is this guy going to be like helping raise children? Yikes…” – WelpOne
“He has spent more energy deflecting the blame for OP tripping than putting the suitcase away would have taken.”
“OP is NTA. Her husband on the other hand…” – SnooPeripherals2409
“Consider how unsupportive this man is. If he did any research at all about what his wife is experiencing, he’d know that she’s ‘nesting’ by doing all of the deep cleaning. Instead of being supportive and helping to clean, he wastes weeks making excuses why he can’t put away one suitcase.”
“He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who is going to pitch in with the housework, much less baby care after the baby is born.”
“Also, the accusations and gaslighting over a suitcase are huge red flags.”
“NTA and good luck OP.”
“Also, quite sad that your mother wasn’t more supportive. You need to find someone else to confide in since she isn’t capable of providing better advice.” – Leading_Asparagus_36
“He said you intentionally ‘made him look lazy and unhelpful around the house.’ But he IS lazy and unhelpful around the house. That’s just a fact, so not sure what he is accusing you of.”
“You need to sit him down and have a proper discussion with him about his involvement around the house.” – nioc14
“There is gonna be a baby in the house soon! Frankly, I cannot imagine he’s going to be any kind of a good father. Soon there will be 100 things to do each day that need to be done right now. If he can’t do one simple thing in three weeks, how the h**l is he going to deal with a baby?”
“With a baby in the house, both people need to give 100% and they can still feel not everything is getting done. He needs a come-to-Jesus talk about how much work a baby is: how much recovery the OP will need after it’s born, and how when tempers run high you absolutely cannot lash out at your partner just because you are upset.” – Music_withRocks_In
“This s**t is why women choose to be single and childless. A man can’t pick up a suitcase (a task which would take less than thirty seconds !! ) for a month, and then decides to act like an angry roid bro when his wife accidentally trips over it in the dark?”
“He expects her to avoid tripping over a suitcase for weeks rather than taking ten f**king seconds to pick it up and put it on a shelf? And then he lashes out and accuses her of risking their baby’s life to get back at him? How is this not considered complete insanity?”
“I sure hope this man benefits her in other ways because s**t, if my partner wouldn’t even pick up one thing for me, I’d leave his a** before he could blink.” – streachh
“Four weeks to lift up a suitcase and put it away? If it was me, on the third day, h**l would break loose. It is a two-minute inconvenience that he has procrastinated for four weeks. I think you have been very patient and your husband is not at all in the right.”
“He’d rather you don’t mention a fall to the midwife (something that she explicitly told you that is relevant and needs attention) just because you tripped over the suitcase, which is at this point basically a monument to his laziness.”
“This is just crazy and you should tell him to put the suitcase away right now.” – watermelonilla
“This whole situation is concerning. Your husband isn’t helping with an extremely quick and easy task, and you’ve had to ask him for help multiple times but he’s still not doing it. What do you think it’s going to be like when the baby is here?”
“He got angry at you for falling. That’s just wild. He’s yelling at you and making up crazy stories to justify being mad. THAT’S A RED FLAG. And I bet it isn’t the first time he’s done this.”
“As someone who had an abusive father that I witnessed firsthand doing this to my mother, this behavior terrifies me. This was not okay, this was not normal.”
“NTA but I am afraid for you and your future child.” – SailorSpyro
Others agreed and took issue with the advice the OP’s mother gave, as well.
“OP. I rarely cuss, but what the f**k?!”
“About your mom’s insanity. It seems she lives by the notion that you (the wife) should not hurt the man’s ego, that even if you didn’t even mention him if he can find any way at all to be offended by anything you say or do… then it is your fault.”
“You should have anticipated his perception of offense and demurred to avoid that at all possible costs. Maybe that’s how your mom handles her marriage. Maybe she/they influenced you to pick a husband who likes that thinking, too.”
“Maybe they influence you to doubt yourself or at least enforce the idea that you are wrong. I hope not, but I can’t imagine why your mom would tell you those things. If this guess might ring true, then please get counseling for yourself.”
“I don’t see a reason to listen to your mom’s perspective or to feel you have to explain or defend yourself to her. Now for your husband.” – swillshop
“NTA. Your husband has been too tired/busy to move a suitcase for almost a month, but he could find the time and energy to move it from the bedroom to the hall? He’s dramatic and likely feels guilty because he knows it’s his fault the d**n suitcase is in the way.”
“Also, he’s so caught up in being ‘right’ that he’s blaming you for purposefully putting your child’s life at risk? And asking you to lie to your midwife to make him look better?”
“Your mom is wrong and if this is how he treats you now it will likely get worse with the stress of having a child.” – Willing-Helicopter26
“Your husband is an AH and he’s gaslighting you. I’m even more p**sed at your mom because, reading this, I’m so annoyed with your husband for gaslighting you and being manipulative and your mother sided with him?”
“You are NTA, but your husband and mother are. I’d say show this post to him, but he’ll find a way to gaslight you again.” – No-Conversation-9918
“NTA. Mom’s a real winner. Hope she likes being a part-time Grandma.”
“Your husband is a real piece of work, too. You are going to have your hands full. He’s more concerned about appearances (His!) than the actual safety of his wife and child.” – AggravatingReveal397
“Your husband wanted you to lie about this to the midwife so that he didn’t look lazy and unhelpful. He also accused you of endangering the baby in order to make him look bad. That is a really serious false accusation, and he is making that accusation in order to deflect blame from himself.”
“He knows that he is being lazy and unhelpful, but he wants you to cover it up for him and is enraged that you won’t. That is not great. Your husband is the AH.”
“Also, please Google DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender).”
“Your mom wanted you to lie to protect him. Also not great. I think you should take any future advice from your mom with a grain of salt.” – salymander_1
The subReddit was left appalled over the situation the OP found herself in over a suitcase.
Not only was it something that should have been easily, and quickly, moved and put away by anyone who is not pregnant, but it absolutely should not have stayed on the floor for that long or become a part of an obstacle course.
The bigger issue, of course, was how the OP was being treated in the aftermath, not only by her husband but by her own mother. Clearly, some things needed to change, or the OP might have a pretty rocky motherhood ahead of her.