For many parents, pregnancy can be a beautiful time in life.
Feeling the baby kick and bonding with a new human on the way is a wonderful experience.
An experience most partners not doing the actual birthing try not to miss.
For the partner doing the birthing, support is everything.
So much can go wrong.
Redditor Slow_Ad_7219 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA if I don't want my husband to go on an overseas trip to see his parents when I will be 31 weeks pregnant?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For context: I had my first daughter during the pandemic and lockdowns."
"My husband was working overseas and planned to come home before delivery, but due to the Australian border being shut, he was unable to come, and after a painful 1.5 years apart, we finally reunited, and he got to hold our firstborn."
"I am pregnant again and have kept my pregnancy a secret from family and friends."
"Only my parents and I[n]-L[aws] know."
"My parents will be coming from overseas when I am 30 weeks to stay and support me in my delivery."
"My husband wants to go overseas to see his parents for 10 days, but I don't want him to go."
"He says he won't be able to go this year once the baby comes."
"But his parents are planning on visiting us once the baby is a couple of months old, so he shall get to see them this year anyway."
"I will be 31 weeks pregnant, but I feel after the last time of missing pregnancy and delivery of our firstborn, it should be him not wanting to go instead of me having to ask."
"He says that even his mum is telling him not to come, but he wishes to go."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA if I don't want him to go?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, I had my son at 32 weeks, so I understand why you don't want him to travel at that point."
"Babies are born early all the time." ~ amberlikesowls
"Exactly, Babies can come early, and being that far along, OP just can't take any chances."
"She needs him there for support, not off traveling."
"Her concerns are completely okay. NTA." ~ Hot_Soft_Whisper
"NTA. If his parents are coming after the baby is born, he doesn't need to go now."
"If even his mother is saying, 'Don't come,' it makes me wonder what his real motivation is for going so close to your due date." ~ CreativeMusic5121
"NTA. At 31 weeks, you are so close to your due date."
"And after missing the birth of your first child,d I'm not sure why he'd want to risk missing this one too."
"He sounds pretty selfish to me, especially since his mom is agreeing with you." ~ IamIrene
"OP is 31 weeks, and it's crunch time."
"His parents will see him and the baby soon enough."
"Right now, his priority should be OP and the baby on the way."
"I wish OP's husband could understand this. NTA." ~ Sweet__Twinkie
"NTA. Ask him what it is about this trip that has become a higher priority for him than being a respectful and caring husband, father, and son, and listen carefully to his answer." ~ Secure-Flight-291
"I'm guessing that the child he fathered while away from home for 1.5 years is having a birthday around the same time."
"NTA, I'm sorry this is happening to you." ~ Diograce
"NTA - yea he likely would be back before you give birth, but you also likely have some well-earned trauma from your first pregnancy, birth, and 1.5-year-long separation."
"Now is not the time for him to go."
"You are right, he shouldn't even be thinking of going at this point." ~ wannabyte
"My guess was he sees it as a last chance for a vacation away from his wife and kids before the new baby comes."
"Which is still selfish, but Aussie side chick that he only sees once or twice a year?"
"I don't know about that, but it's possible." ~ anothertypicalcmmnt
"So what?"
He is not supposed to be a useful father and partner and be there for his wife when she is pregnant or for the delivery - because he feels like doing something else."
"She is PREGNANT, and he should pull his weight too, help her out, make sure she is fine."
"Things can go wrong, and even when everything is fine this parenting thing is something you are supposed to do together, else she is just a single mum with a useless extra liability."
"If he is not ready for that and would rather spend holidays without a wife and kid he should not have decided to become a father."
"Big ego AH move, no matter how you look at it."
"OP is NTA." ~ Active-Hovercraft123
"NTA, obviously."
"Like, how is he not already packing his empathy bags instead of actual ones?"
"You were literally on your own last time during such a huge moment... he should be all in this time without u having to beg."
"Even his mom knows he shouldn't go, and she's telling him that, but he's still like, 'Yeah, but I wanna.' Bruhh, priorities??"
"He needs to step up and show he's learned from the past, not repeat it."
"This ain't the time for 'me first' vibes." ~ orlasupbok
"NTA- even his mom knows it's a bad idea."
"His parents are coming to visit."
"He could have gone earlier in the pregnancy if he thinks he can't travel after the baby is born."
"He is just being inconsiderate."
"Second babies can come earlier. Hopefully, nothing happens, but 31 weeks is close to the end of the pregnancy."
"He should be there." ~ Fianna9
"It's not just about the risks of early labor but also just how tough it is to be heavily pregnant while being a single parent and managing a household, work, etc."
"Sure, OP's parents will be over to help, but it's not the same as having your partner around, especially for the child."
"Husband wouldn't know since he wasn't around the 1st time, but he needs to realize it by being there this time around." ~ Snoo_47183
"NTA. He should stay with you."
"Also, why you waited a year and a half to reunite?"
"What visa is he on?"
"Can't imagine someone would actually wait." ~ Many_Rub6735
"Does he have another wife overseas??"
"Maybe she's pregnant too... lol."
"Not really, but ask him about that and see what he says. NTA." ~ magiemaddi
"NTA for the risk of missing the birth alone, but also INFO..."
"Is he bringing the 4-year-old?"
"If so, that may be a good move to give you a little break before the baby arrives, perhaps if it were a little earlier in the pregnancy."
"If not, that would be a huge red flag to me. Your husband is not very committed to either you or his children, and he would just go on an international vacation and leave his third-trimester wife to attend to your kid." ~ jamintime
"NTA... he knows what he's doing."
"HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING!!" ~ toobasic2care
"NTA. I don't understand people like this."
"The fact that it's even a consideration is insane to me."
"The only way I'd be okay with something like this is if my husband is visiting a very sick family member/friend who likely won't live much longer or maybe a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." ~ Murderous_Intention7
"NTA. I flew at 32 weeks for a final job interview (with an OK from my doctor)."
"On the redeye back home, I landed, got home, and my water broke an hour later."
"Daughter ended up in the NICU, and I didn't get the job."
"Everything eventually worked out fine, but the stress at the time was awful, and if you can avoid it, you owe it to yourself and your child to do so." ~ SkierGrrlPNW
"NTA, it's interesting how he wants to go on a trip just at the point in your pregnancy when you will need him to step up and take on some of your usual responsibilities and more responsibility for your child."
"You will be getting more uncomfortable and less able to complete tasks."
"His parents will be over in a few weeks so it's not really about seeing them he just wants a last, responsibility-free, holiday with his mum babying him rather than when they come to yours and all focus will be on you and the children." ~ lysalnan
"You are NTA, but if he doesn't wanna be there for you and the baby, I don't know how to fix that."
"No point in insisting someone be there for you who doesn't want to be."
"Lean on your parents for the support you need, because if you insist he stays, he might try to punish you for that by not being as helpful as you need him to be."
"I'm so sorry he's doing this, it's incredibly hurtful." ~ Novel-Sector-8589
"NTA. It makes total sense you'd want him around, especially after everything you went through with the first pregnancy."
"You're close to your due date, and having him there could make all the difference."
"If his parents visit soon after the baby arrives, he can catch up with them then—no need to risk missing out when you need support now." ~ Connect_Sir9478
"NTA. 31 weeks seems way too close to birth to risk it."
"That and last time this happened, he couldn't get back in time so that's two reasons he shouldn't do it." ~ SockMaster9273
OP returned to chat...
"First, I would like to say thank you to each and every one of you for reading and commenting on my post."
"It is my first ever Reddit post, and I was not expecting it to gain so much traction."
"I was hoping to reply to each and every one of you, but with pregnancy fatigue and no time with a toddler, I decided to post an update."
"I was going to post it yesterday because it would have been a happy update, but after today, my whole world has gone upside down."
"So two nights ago, I had a bit of a cry."
"My husband came and sat next to me and asked what happened and I told him that even though I would be 7 months only, I still didn't want him to go."
"He assured me he wouldn't."
"He said he wasn't planning to anyway, but he sees my point, and my point was that even though I would have my parents and I had my parents with me last pregnancy and delivery, it would not be the same as having your own spouse."
"Since he agreed so quickly without me having to beg or explain, I quickly ended that discussion and we went to sleep happily."
"Before I fast forward to this morning, I would like to add some background info..."
"Ever since we got married 8 years ago, I have noticed him taking his phone to the toilet."
"I have expressed my disgust at it and asked him not to, but he still does."
"I have asked him why it takes so long for him to do his business on the toilet, and he says he suffers from constipation."
"I have told him to get it checked by a doctor, but he won't and claims it's normal and runs in his family, so I have given up."
"For two years, I have noticed that he wakes up at 4 in the morning to spend an hour in the toilet."
"That's the time my daughter and I are fast asleep, and he wakes up at 5 to go to work, but some nights, I wake up to an empty bed, and he is in the toilet."
"I have never told him about this because then he will start hiding even more from me."
"I have tried snooping on his phone, but he always has it locked with a pattern that even though he unlocks in front of me, he does it so quickly, and it's a complicated pattern, so I am unable to memorize it... lol."
"He leaves his phone out (recently, I realized it's always on silent and with notifications muted) and sometimes hands me his phone, so I brushed off my fears that something could be happening."
"Post covid, when we reunited, I felt that because we were apart, we would be closer than ever to make up for missed time, but he felt distant, and after an argument where I accused him of cheating, he handed me his phone to prove he wasn't."
"In front of him, I looked through his phone and the only thing I found was that his Google Chrome was open to an Insta account."
"No discussion, no posts, no following but he was following 40 female celebrities."
"I asked him about it, and he shrugged. I didn't find it odd like I did."
"I angrily asked if I opened a secret Instagram account and followed only male celebs, would he like it?"
"He said he wouldn't mind."
"I told him I didn't like it, and he got defensive that they are politicians, UFC fighters, and of course Hollywood and Bollywood stars, and he just follows them, and that's not cheating."
"I didn't like it but had to leave it at that."
"This morning, he woke up, and unbeknownst to him, I was awake but had my eyes closed."
"He took his phone, and I opened my eyes and saw that he had tons of messages on his notification bar. "
"When he clicked on it, it took him to threads (didn't know he was on threads, and I don't know if it took him to the app or a Google Chrome tab), and he scrolled through messages."
"I don't know who it is or what the messages said."
"He tilted his phone away from me to scroll through the messages and a while later, went to the toilet most probably to respond."
"I wish I knew the tech to look through his phone because I always wonder how do other people catch their spouses when I can't even get through his phone because of the pattern locking etc."
"My heart has dropped that he might be cheating but I feel like I shall go crazy without proof."
"I don't know what to do."
"Also, my phone has a numerical password that he knows and I don't mind because I have nothing to hide."
"Should I ask to check his phone again?"
"I checked his account from my threads and he joined it last year September."
"Again, no profile pic or threads."
"It's like a ghost account."
"I feel sick that I am having a baby with him, but he never acted fishy otherwise for me to suspect something could be happening."
This is a terribly sad situation, OP.
It's great to hear that he's skipping the trip to be there with you.
But the rest is very concerning.
You may want to talk to a therapist and a lawyer before you speak with him.
They can guide you with your next steps.
Stay strong, and good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp