For many parents, pregnancy can be a beautiful time in life.
Feeling the baby kick and bonding with a new human on the way is a wonderful experience.
An experience most partners not doing the actual birthing try not to miss.
For the partner doing the birthing, support is everything.
So much can go wrong.
Redditor Slow_Ad_7219 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA if I don’t want my husband to go on an overseas trip to see his parents when I will be 31 weeks pregnant?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“For context: I had my first daughter during the pandemic and lockdowns.”
“My husband was working overseas and planned to come home before delivery, but due to the Australian border being shut, he was unable to come, and after a painful 1.5 years apart, we finally reunited, and he got to hold our firstborn.”
“I am pregnant again and have kept my pregnancy a secret from family and friends.”
“Only my parents and I[n]-L[aws] know.”
“My parents will be coming from overseas when I am 30 weeks to stay and support me in my delivery.”
“My husband wants to go overseas to see his parents for 10 days, but I don’t want him to go.”
“He says he won’t be able to go this year once the baby comes.”
“But his parents are planning on visiting us once the baby is a couple of months old, so he shall get to see them this year anyway.”
“I will be 31 weeks pregnant, but I feel after the last time of missing pregnancy and delivery of our firstborn, it should be him not wanting to go instead of me having to ask.”
“He says that even his mum is telling him not to come, but he wishes to go.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA if I don’t want him to go?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, I had my son at 32 weeks, so I understand why you don’t want him to travel at that point.”
“Babies are born early all the time.” ~ amberlikesowls
“Exactly, Babies can come early, and being that far along, OP just can’t take any chances.”
“She needs him there for support, not off traveling.”
“Her concerns are completely okay. NTA.” ~ Hot_Soft_Whisper
“NTA. If his parents are coming after the baby is born, he doesn’t need to go now.”
“If even his mother is saying, ‘Don’t come,’ it makes me wonder what his real motivation is for going so close to your due date.” ~ CreativeMusic5121
“NTA. At 31 weeks, you are so close to your due date.”
“And after missing the birth of your first child,d I’m not sure why he’d want to risk missing this one too.”
“He sounds pretty selfish to me, especially since his mom is agreeing with you.” ~ IamIrene
“OP is 31 weeks, and it’s crunch time.”
“His parents will see him and the baby soon enough.”
“Right now, his priority should be OP and the baby on the way.”
“I wish OP’s husband could understand this. NTA.” ~ Sweet__Twinkie
“NTA. Ask him what it is about this trip that has become a higher priority for him than being a respectful and caring husband, father, and son, and listen carefully to his answer.” ~ Secure-Flight-291
“I’m guessing that the child he fathered while away from home for 1.5 years is having a birthday around the same time.”
“NTA, I’m sorry this is happening to you.” ~ Diograce
“NTA – yea he likely would be back before you give birth, but you also likely have some well-earned trauma from your first pregnancy, birth, and 1.5-year-long separation.”
“Now is not the time for him to go.”
“You are right, he shouldn’t even be thinking of going at this point.” ~ wannabyte
“My guess was he sees it as a last chance for a vacation away from his wife and kids before the new baby comes.”
“Which is still selfish, but Aussie side chick that he only sees once or twice a year?”
“I don’t know about that, but it’s possible.” ~ anothertypicalcmmnt
“So what?”
He is not supposed to be a useful father and partner and be there for his wife when she is pregnant or for the delivery – because he feels like doing something else.”
“She is PREGNANT, and he should pull his weight too, help her out, make sure she is fine.”
“Things can go wrong, and even when everything is fine this parenting thing is something you are supposed to do together, else she is just a single mum with a useless extra liability.”
“If he is not ready for that and would rather spend holidays without a wife and kid he should not have decided to become a father.”
“Big ego AH move, no matter how you look at it.”
“OP is NTA.” ~ Active-Hovercraft123
“NTA, obviously.”
“Like, how is he not already packing his empathy bags instead of actual ones?”
“You were literally on your own last time during such a huge moment… he should be all in this time without u having to beg.”
“Even his mom knows he shouldn’t go, and she’s telling him that, but he’s still like, ‘Yeah, but I wanna.’ Bruhh, priorities??”
“He needs to step up and show he’s learned from the past, not repeat it.”
“This ain’t the time for ‘me first’ vibes.” ~ orlasupbok
“NTA- even his mom knows it’s a bad idea.”
“His parents are coming to visit.”
“He could have gone earlier in the pregnancy if he thinks he can’t travel after the baby is born.”
“He is just being inconsiderate.”
“Second babies can come earlier. Hopefully, nothing happens, but 31 weeks is close to the end of the pregnancy.”
“He should be there.” ~ Fianna9
“It’s not just about the risks of early labor but also just how tough it is to be heavily pregnant while being a single parent and managing a household, work, etc.”
“Sure, OP’s parents will be over to help, but it’s not the same as having your partner around, especially for the child.”
“Husband wouldn’t know since he wasn’t around the 1st time, but he needs to realize it by being there this time around.” ~ Snoo_47183
“NTA. He should stay with you.”
“Also, why you waited a year and a half to reunite?”
“What visa is he on?”
“Can’t imagine someone would actually wait.” ~ Many_Rub6735
“Does he have another wife overseas??”
“Maybe she’s pregnant too… lol.”
“Not really, but ask him about that and see what he says. NTA.” ~ magiemaddi
“NTA for the risk of missing the birth alone, but also INFO…”
“Is he bringing the 4-year-old?”
“If so, that may be a good move to give you a little break before the baby arrives, perhaps if it were a little earlier in the pregnancy.”
“If not, that would be a huge red flag to me. Your husband is not very committed to either you or his children, and he would just go on an international vacation and leave his third-trimester wife to attend to your kid.” ~ jamintime
“NTA… he knows what he’s doing.”
“HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING!!” ~ toobasic2care
“NTA. I don’t understand people like this.”
“The fact that it’s even a consideration is insane to me.”
“The only way I’d be okay with something like this is if my husband is visiting a very sick family member/friend who likely won’t live much longer or maybe a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.” ~ Murderous_Intention7
“NTA. I flew at 32 weeks for a final job interview (with an OK from my doctor).”
“On the redeye back home, I landed, got home, and my water broke an hour later.”
“Daughter ended up in the NICU, and I didn’t get the job.”
“Everything eventually worked out fine, but the stress at the time was awful, and if you can avoid it, you owe it to yourself and your child to do so.” ~ SkierGrrlPNW
“NTA, it’s interesting how he wants to go on a trip just at the point in your pregnancy when you will need him to step up and take on some of your usual responsibilities and more responsibility for your child.”
“You will be getting more uncomfortable and less able to complete tasks.”
“His parents will be over in a few weeks so it’s not really about seeing them he just wants a last, responsibility-free, holiday with his mum babying him rather than when they come to yours and all focus will be on you and the children.” ~ lysalnan
“You are NTA, but if he doesn’t wanna be there for you and the baby, I don’t know how to fix that.”
“No point in insisting someone be there for you who doesn’t want to be.”
“Lean on your parents for the support you need, because if you insist he stays, he might try to punish you for that by not being as helpful as you need him to be.”
“I’m so sorry he’s doing this, it’s incredibly hurtful.” ~ Novel-Sector-8589
“NTA. It makes total sense you’d want him around, especially after everything you went through with the first pregnancy.”
“You’re close to your due date, and having him there could make all the difference.”
“If his parents visit soon after the baby arrives, he can catch up with them then—no need to risk missing out when you need support now.” ~ Connect_Sir9478
“NTA. 31 weeks seems way too close to birth to risk it.”
“That and last time this happened, he couldn’t get back in time so that’s two reasons he shouldn’t do it.” ~ SockMaster9273
OP returned to chat…
“First, I would like to say thank you to each and every one of you for reading and commenting on my post.”
“It is my first ever Reddit post, and I was not expecting it to gain so much traction.”
“I was hoping to reply to each and every one of you, but with pregnancy fatigue and no time with a toddler, I decided to post an update.”
“I was going to post it yesterday because it would have been a happy update, but after today, my whole world has gone upside down.”
“So two nights ago, I had a bit of a cry.”
“My husband came and sat next to me and asked what happened and I told him that even though I would be 7 months only, I still didn’t want him to go.”
“He assured me he wouldn’t.”
“He said he wasn’t planning to anyway, but he sees my point, and my point was that even though I would have my parents and I had my parents with me last pregnancy and delivery, it would not be the same as having your own spouse.”
“Since he agreed so quickly without me having to beg or explain, I quickly ended that discussion and we went to sleep happily.”
“Before I fast forward to this morning, I would like to add some background info…”
“Ever since we got married 8 years ago, I have noticed him taking his phone to the toilet.”
“I have expressed my disgust at it and asked him not to, but he still does.”
“I have asked him why it takes so long for him to do his business on the toilet, and he says he suffers from constipation.”
“I have told him to get it checked by a doctor, but he won’t and claims it’s normal and runs in his family, so I have given up.”
“For two years, I have noticed that he wakes up at 4 in the morning to spend an hour in the toilet.”
“That’s the time my daughter and I are fast asleep, and he wakes up at 5 to go to work, but some nights, I wake up to an empty bed, and he is in the toilet.”
“I have never told him about this because then he will start hiding even more from me.”
“I have tried snooping on his phone, but he always has it locked with a pattern that even though he unlocks in front of me, he does it so quickly, and it’s a complicated pattern, so I am unable to memorize it… lol.”
“He leaves his phone out (recently, I realized it’s always on silent and with notifications muted) and sometimes hands me his phone, so I brushed off my fears that something could be happening.”
“Post covid, when we reunited, I felt that because we were apart, we would be closer than ever to make up for missed time, but he felt distant, and after an argument where I accused him of cheating, he handed me his phone to prove he wasn’t.”
“In front of him, I looked through his phone and the only thing I found was that his Google Chrome was open to an Insta account.”
“No discussion, no posts, no following but he was following 40 female celebrities.”
“I asked him about it, and he shrugged. I didn’t find it odd like I did.”
“I angrily asked if I opened a secret Instagram account and followed only male celebs, would he like it?”
“He said he wouldn’t mind.”
“I told him I didn’t like it, and he got defensive that they are politicians, UFC fighters, and of course Hollywood and Bollywood stars, and he just follows them, and that’s not cheating.”
“I didn’t like it but had to leave it at that.”
“This morning, he woke up, and unbeknownst to him, I was awake but had my eyes closed.”
“He took his phone, and I opened my eyes and saw that he had tons of messages on his notification bar. “
“When he clicked on it, it took him to threads (didn’t know he was on threads, and I don’t know if it took him to the app or a Google Chrome tab), and he scrolled through messages.”
“I don’t know who it is or what the messages said.”
“He tilted his phone away from me to scroll through the messages and a while later, went to the toilet most probably to respond.”
“I wish I knew the tech to look through his phone because I always wonder how do other people catch their spouses when I can’t even get through his phone because of the pattern locking etc.”
“My heart has dropped that he might be cheating but I feel like I shall go crazy without proof.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Also, my phone has a numerical password that he knows and I don’t mind because I have nothing to hide.”
“Should I ask to check his phone again?”
“I checked his account from my threads and he joined it last year September.”
“Again, no profile pic or threads.”
“It’s like a ghost account.”
“I feel sick that I am having a baby with him, but he never acted fishy otherwise for me to suspect something could be happening.”
This is a terribly sad situation, OP.
It’s great to hear that he’s skipping the trip to be there with you.
But the rest is very concerning.
You may want to talk to a therapist and a lawyer before you speak with him.
They can guide you with your next steps.
Stay strong, and good luck.