When a couple plans their wedding, they, of course, want everything to be perfect.
From the showers to the seating, the registry to the food, every detail is accounted for and decided upon ever so strategically.
Some couples choose a lavish wedding enjoyed by hundreds of guests who shower them with love and gifts leading up to and through the big day.
Others choose to have a more intimate ceremony, sometimes destination, in which only a few guests are invited.
If the latter is the case, though, are large wedding norms – like purchasing from a registry and hosting pre-nuptial events – still expected from those not invited?
A woman on Reddit is baffled that her best friend is expecting a bachelorette party and gifts from her and her friends even though they are not invited to the wedding, so she turned to the “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor buckeyebottlerocket asked:
“WIBTA if I tell my friend her ‘bridesmaids’ won’t be throwing her an extensive bachelorette party if we aren’t invited to the wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I (27/F[emale]) am friends with Jane (28/F[emale]).”
“Jane and her fiancée Brad (29/M[ale]) recently got engaged.”
“Jane is one of my best friends and we have known each other since college.”
“When talking about our future weddings, Jane has always expressed that she wants me and a handful of our other closest friends to be her bridesmaids and to have a destination wedding.”
“When I saw Jane and Brad the day they got engaged, one of the first things Jane said to me was how excited she was for me and our other friend to be her bridesmaids, this was about a month ago.”
“However, now that Jane and Brad have started looking at wedding planning, they have decided to have a tiny destination wedding in Colorado and only immediate family will be invited to save money.”
“They also plan on having a casual party for all of the rest of their family and friends after, but there will be no ceremony or sit down dinner and will be very clearly NOT a second wedding.”
“Even though I was disappointed and hurt to hear that I would not be invited to the actual wedding, I understand that it is their right to have whatever kind of wedding they want, and if it is not important to her that her best friends be there, that’s her choice.”
“But what irked me is that Jane still expects a bridal shower, a long weekend trip to an expensive destination for her bachelorette party, and mentioned a registry for wedding gifts.”
“I find it a bit ridiculous that she still expects to have these things thrown by and (presumably) paid for by people that ARENT EVEN INVITED TO THE ACTUAL WEDDING!”
“She still insists on calling us her ‘bridesmaids,’ but since we will not be present at the wedding and will have no special designation at the party, I don’t see how we actually are.”
“Our friends are a bit split on what to do about this, some want to confront her about this, some think that would be an a**hole move.”
“So, WIBTA for telling Jane that if she’s not having a traditional wedding she can’t expect traditional wedding benefits?”
OP clarified her dilemma after reading some comments.
“ETA: I think a few people are misunderstanding my point here, I’m not saying I don’t want to celebrate her AT ALL or that she shouldn’t get anything outside of her wedding, what’s bothering me is her stated expectation of a big shower and bachelorette trip (she explicitly said she wants to go to Scottsdale, we are in Tennessee so this requires a flight) without an invitation to the wedding.”
“She could throw any kind of backyard, courthouse, big, small, whatever WEDDING and I would be happy to do all of the above AS LONG AS I was actually invited.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on the situation and declared OP was not the a**hole (NTA) for feeling like the bride is putting unreasonable expectations on her “bridesmaids.”
“NTA If none of you are invited to the wedding, none of you are bridesmaids.”
“If none of you are invited to the wedding, a gift is not required” – Cute-Profession9983
“NTA”
“As far as the bridal shower goes, the moms can pay for it and the registry can be used to buy gifts.”
“She can’t expect anyone that isn’t invited to the wedding to take her on a trip for her bachelorette.”
“If she wants to plan and invite people, that’s one thing, but paying for her?”
“I don’t think so.” – Aggravating-Owl-8974
“A quick google search will tell your friend that it’s a massive social faux pau to invite someone to a bridal shower who isn’t invited to the wedding — and that “bridesmaids” are attendants at the actual wedding.”
“ALSO people not invited to the wedding have NO social obligation to provide any sort of gift– though a nice card filled with your good wishes is a thoughtful gesture.”
“In terms of a bachelorette celebration — since there are no bridesmaids to organize it (and it’s not socially acceptable to invite people who aren’t invited to the wedding) perhaps a compromise of getting together at someone’s house with a couple of bottles of wine and everyone bringing an app — or brunch out the weekend before the wedding with everyone picking up their own check and chipping in to cover the bride– would be a great compromise.”
“A book on wedding etiquette would make a perfect engagement gift.” – celticmusebooks
“NTA.”
“You don’t get the whole nine yards if your wedding isn’t the whole nine yards.”
“She sounds selfish AF.”
“I would just say, since you are just doing a private family only wedding, let’s organise a close friends celebration after your married.”
“If she says anything to that, say well we aren’t invited to the wedding, so a bridal shower, bachelorette etc doesn’t make sense.”
“Put it on her. If she still pushes back, just bail out.”
“Doesn’t sound like a friendship you want to maintain anyway.” – iknowsomethings2
“NTA. You aren’t a bridesmaid, so should not be expected to carry out bridesmaid duties.” – PandaMime_421
“NTA”
“She is tacky AF.”
“Either she has a wedding with a wedding party in attendance for the ceremony & reception or she does not have a wedding party.”
“She’s making a choice to have a wedding with no wedding party.”
“She has no bridesmaids to spend money on her or help her plan.”
“If she needs those things, she needs to talk to family members who are invited or hire a planner.”
“She cannot expect wedding gifts from people she is not inviting.”
“It would be a nice thing to happen if someone not invited decided to send a small gift & congratulations, but to expect it is unreasonable & entitled.”
“But to basically demand a free vacation & gifts from people she initially included who she has explicitly cut out of the wedding is a way ensure those friends realize they are nothing about an ATM to this greedy selfish person who is not their friend.” – KindlyCelebration223
“NTA your friend is just looking for a cash grab” – Far-Season-695
“NTA She’s calling you bridesmaids so that you’ll do the thing bridesmaids do for her while doing nothing for you including not inviting you to wedding.”
“If she asks about plans for all this tell her she’ll have to ask her actual bridesmaids that will be at the wedding.” – wlfwrtr
“YWNBTA No wedding ceremony for you to go to means you are not a bridesmaid.”
“As friends you all can throw a small party if you choose but the rules are changed now with her small ceremony.” – RevolutionaryDiet686
“NTA at all.”
“Also, a registry is for guests.”
“If you’re not going this can be ignored.” – Curious_Platform7720
“YWNBTA”
“What she is expecting from people and discussing is tacky.”
“If Jane and Brad want a very small, intimate wedding that is absolutely their choice!”
“But the tradeoff is forgoing a few of the traditional trappings that go along with weddings.” – Knittingfairy09113
“NTA.”
“I think it would be totally fair to still want a bachelorette party if she treated it in similar fashion to the wedding.”
“Meaning she was OK with it being small, simple, and inexpensive.”
“If she said ‘hey, it’s tiny wedding, so I don’t need a wild big weekend, let’s just go out for dinner and drinks one night, ok?'”
“That would be OK, even if she wasn’t inviting folks to the wedding.”
“But to say ‘you can’t come to the wedding’ but also ‘but you have to do all the things that require YOU to spend time and effort and money for me still’ isn’t acceptable.”
“You can be small and low key, or wild and big, but you can’t pick and choose and expect the guests to go along.” – BigMax
It sounds like OP has every reason to feel confused over her ‘best friend’s’ ask.
Hopefully the two can have a conversations and come to an agreement about what should rationally be expected of the group of friends.