The end of life can be a daunting thought.
The end will come for everyone.
That is just inevitable.
If a person is lucky, they get to go out on their own terms.
But not everyone agrees with some people's end-of-life choices.
Redditor sickma2001 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for sneaking my mom some alcohol when she is in hospice?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My mom is in her 50s and dying from liver cancer."
"She is terminal and currently undergoing in-home hospice care."
"My mother has always lived an unhealthy lifestyle."
"She was an extremely heavy smoker for years and luckily quit between 10-15 years ago, and she's very proud of that."
"But she's been morbidly obese her whole life, she hasn't treated her type two diabetes well enough, and for a few years, she was drinking 4-6 5% alcoholic drinks per day for about 4-5 days per week."
"All this compounded, and she ended up with liver cancer."
"By the time it was caught, it was terminal."
"When she started feeling sick (which turned out to be the cancer), she stopped drinking except for rare occasions."
"I visit my mom 2-3 times per week."
"I talk to her, we watch TV, and I'll bring her what she asks for."
"She recently talked about how she missed her drink of choice."
"She wanted a couple to have."
"I got a list of her meds and made sure there were no or minimal interactions, and when she had a really good day with no pain meds, I brought her a six-pack of her favorite drink."
"She was very happy and drank two and then went to sleep."
"I told my siblings about this when I updated them a few days after."
"They got really mad at me because she has liver cancer and her liver isn't right, but I still gave her alcohol."
"This was weeks ago, and she still has 4 cans out of the 6-pack leftover, and she hasn't had them."
"But even if she did, she's going to die, let her enjoy her time!"
"They think I was harming her and causing her to die faster by giving her the alcoholic drinks."
"I think I gave her an evening of enjoyment when she doesn't have many left."
"I've been catching flak from this for weeks, and now it's spreading to other family members."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for giving my mother alcoholic drinks when she is on hospice for liver cancer?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the a**hole.
"I'm a nurse and would've snuck her some myself."
"People are weird about grief, OP."
"I've had many family members concerned that their loved one in hospice would become dependent on pain medication."
"I think it's mostly denial." ~ unrequited_dream
"I volunteered in our local hospice for 10 years."
"Residents basically got whatever they wanted to eat and drink."
"The hospice supplied well-rounded meals and baking, but family members could bring in anything the resident wanted."
I'm sorry your family is struggling with your decision, but, in my opinion, it's the correct one." ~ AngryCornbread
"I 100% agree with you."
"My grandmother's daughters got really weird about letting her have any fried food because it was 'bad for her.'"
"She was on her deathbed with end-stage congestive heart failure, diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol."
"A[uthorized] T[reating] P[hysician] doctors had given her weeks if she was lucky."
"So I started sneaking her fried fish dinners or fried shrimp dinners."
"She got to enjoy about 5 before she died."
"When my aunts found out, they wanted me banned from visiting her, but the doctor told them to STFU and let a dying woman enjoy herself. NTA." ~ Loose-Chemical-4982
"I wonder if they don't fully understand what hospice care is."
"NTA by the way."
"I'd have done it too, and I am a medical professional." ~ Spiritual_Ad8626
"NTA. My friend's mom went on a girl's trip with her best friend and that friend's two daughters."
"She was terminal and had not much longer, so she wanted one last trip to the Casino."
"This woman had been a nurse in a cancer unit and was well aware of what was coming next. "
"She asked to have a drink, and when one of the daughters questioned it, she said, 'What's it gonna do? Kill me?'"
"Overall, it sounded like a wonderful trip for everyone." ~ DentataRidesAgain
"My mom was in hospice after a massive stroke that impacted her ability to process pain (even a touch felt like it hurt)."
"She was crying and asking for pain meds."
"The AH nurse said, "There's an opioid crisis; you'll have to wait an hour.'"
"I had just picked up mom's meds from her old assisted living and found an oxycodone, and gave it to her."
"The nurse came in an hour later and gave her another one."
"She was high as a kite and giggling the rest of the night.'
"Zero regrets." ~ Excellent-Shape-2024
"My grandmother was withholding my grandfather's medication while he was in hospice in case he got addicted."
"I followed her line of thinking."
"I asked, Grandma, he has a broken neck, and before that hadn't walked in another 15 months."
"He has dementia, he doesn't recognize anyone, he takes off to the Opera randomly."
"Even if he gets addicted, even if he leaves hospice, he isn't getting up out of this bed to go score heroin under the overpass." ~ FThisExistence
"I smoked a joint with my 89-year-old dad, twice, during his last two days, with irreversible congestive heart failure."
"He also had a form of blood cancer, but that's not what he was dying from."
"Drank a mimosa with my 76-year-old mom for breakfast on her last day."
"Kidney and bladder cancer that'd spread to her lymph nodes."
"Snuck a six pack of beer into my best friend's 66-year-old dad (who was like a second dad to me) the day before he died of prostate cancer."
"All three of his sons and his daughter (my best friend), his wife, and I all toasted him as he enjoyed a few sips of his last beer (In-hospital hospice)."
"Poured my 98-year-old neighbor one last shot of her favorite whiskey a few hours before she passed."
"She'd had multiple strokes in four days, and it was a stunning surprise she'd 'survived.'"
"The first stroke, much less the subsequent ones, as long as she did, but I am of the firm belief she held on exactly as long as she needed to for all her children to travel to see her one last time."
"She only had a sip of the whiskey; it was all she could, but I'll never forget her smile."
"Snuck a slice of Pizza Hut pan pizza into my 44-year-old cousin, her favorite food."
"Extra cheese and sausage."
"Breast cancer, in-hospital hospice."
"I am beyond blessed I was able to bring each of them a little bit of joy in their last days, and I hope that when my last days come, there is someone in my life who will do the same for me. NTA." ~ Greygal_Eve
"NTA. She's in hospice, let her do what she wants, what's it gonna do… kill her?"
"Pretty sure that's inevitable, so just enjoy the time left, beer in hand." ~ TannMan89
"Hospice nurse here - literally what this person said."
"She's in hospice, she's not getting any better, and it's comfort and quality of life at this point."
"Let her have some booze if that's what she wants."
"Don't let her drink a handle, but if she wants a few drinks at night, it literally won't do her any more harm than what her body is doing." ~ ShesASatellite
"NTA. As a former hospice nurse, providing comfort for patients in their final days is incredibly important."
"Drinking alcohol will not hasten the dying process at this stage."
"It would be wise to talk with the nursing team so they're in the loop."
"I'd often tell my patients, if they want to eat cake for breakfast, eat cake for breakfast!"
"Or whatever else feels right for their body at that time."
"Let people enjoy what time they have left." ~ plantkittywitchbaby
"NTA. This sounds like when my grandfather found out he had metastasized lung cancer."
"Grandpa asked if he should quit smoking [he'd smoked since he was a teen]."
"The doctor said, no, not any point to stop."
"It won't change a thing." ~ not4loveormoney
"My grandma isn't actively dying, but she's almost 98, and I'm on board with letting her do whatever she wants."
"She doesn't want to drink her protein shake, and she wants candy instead?"
"I say f**k it."
"She recently had a minor stroke, and when I went to visit her, my aunt was trying to make her sit up to cough because she was afraid she would aspirate."
"She said, 'Oh, good, beautiful as usual, is a nurse, she will make grandma do it.'"
"No, I will not."
"Grandma is pretty with it mentally; she can make her own decisions." ~ beautifulasusual
"When my Dad was dying, all he wanted was an orange popsicle."
"But we weren't supposed to give him anything because it would delay their dying process."
"We let him have a bite anyway, and it made him so happy."
"It was one of the last times I saw him smile." ~ EatsTheLastSlice
"A good death is about prioritizing quality of life."
"If the drinks gave her pleasure and joy, more power to her. "
"I've worked in palliative care - the traditional healthcare rules often get thrown out of the window - I haven't seen so many patients drinking and smoking in a healthcare setting as I have in a palliative care unit."
"Your siblings mean well, but they are viewing the situation through a more traditional lens."
"It may also be triggering for them to see your mother doing the very thing that is taking her away from you all so prematurely, so I also understand their distress."
"So, NAH as far as I'm concerned." ~ allora1
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your mom is nearing the end.
She deserves whatever peace she can find.
Your siblings need to relax.
Good luck and sorry for your loss.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp