Content Warning: Drug Use and Sexual Activities
An unfortunate truth we all have to learn at some point is that no matter how much we do for someone else, and no matter how much we love them, we can never make someone else love us back.
There will, in fact, be people in our lives who encourage us to show them love, so they can use us without ever actually reciprocating, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor JoeJr_1980 had been seeing a guy for a while, and she really enjoyed his company, but she'd started to notice how he never showed up for her.
When she planned a particularly nice evening for the two of them, and he didn't even reply to her texts about it, the Original Poster (OP) decided she was done letting him take advantage of her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by breaking up with my boyfriend when he stood me up after I made him dinner and put on my sexiest lingerie?"
The OP's boyfriend had to step out to take care of something at work.
"My boyfriend stopped by earlier this evening to borrow some money from me, and one thing led to another, and things started to get a little hot and heavy. (For the record, this did not include sex; he was using and couldn't get it up.)"
"But after about an hour, he had to go back to work and do some maintenance on the ice machine at the restaurant."
"He promised me he would only be there about an hour, and then he was going to come right back to spend the night with me."
The OP's boyfriend did not appreciate her efforts to make the evening special.
"While he was gone, I made a really nice dinner, got all dolled up in my sexiest lingerie that I have been saving for a special occasion."
"After about two hours had passed, I called him to see if he was running late."
"His reply was, 'No, I decided to come home and do my laundry instead of coming back over.'"
The OP decided she was done letting him take advantage of her.
"This is where I might have overreacted. I told him that it was very apparent just how little he actually cares about me, and I only exist to him when he needs something."
"I thanked him for making me feel completely stupid, but at the same time, I told him that at least I can stop bending over backwards and killing myself trying to make him happy."
"I took off my lingerie and threw it in the dumpster, and told him I'm done with him only wanting to see me when he needs something or when it's convenient."
"I'm pretty sure he blocked me because I didn't get a single message back, he won't answer the phone, but I can see that he's reading all of my messages."
"He's been acting strange for a while. I was starting to think he was seeing someone else. But I think he's just a coward and doesn't want to actually have to break up with me because he doesn't have any balls."
"I don't know, was I overreacting?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were certain the ex-boyfriend was just using the OP for money and fun times.
"Got laid, got paid, and that was it, I'm afraid." - tinpants44
"NOR. He only came over to get money from you." - likedyoumore
"'Came over to borrow some money.' Yeah, he's definitely using you. You deserve better." - Big-Potato9868
"The fact that he stayed for only five minutes proves he didn't even see her as a human being, just a human ATM. The meal she made had more heart than he ever will." - Difficult_Stress51
"NOR. It sounds like your boyfriend is using you like a bank. He changed plans and didn't even inform you that he went home instead?! What a loser." - Icy_Somewhere3296
"What is likely happening is that he has another preferred drug of choice, took your $50 to go buy that, and then went home to immediately use it and forgot everything else because it was more important than anything else, you included."
"You don't want any part of what he has to offer. He's using you, and likely has a more serious substance habit than you're aware of."
"I would be so disgusted if someone took my money, slept with me, and then bailed. Please respect yourself more."
"If I'm right, he'll come crawling back with a bulls**t apology and start love-bombing you the next time he needs the extra cash. But it is very clear that he is just using you." - Mammoth-Marketing694
"He came over to borrow money, and though he should thank you by giving you attention that seemed hot and heavy, really, he just wanted the money and to get away smoothly without you pressuring him to pay you back." - AcademicPay2488
"This is some legendary level of audacity. He's treating the relationship like a payday loan center with a catering service. Block and delete before he asks for interest." - Ok_Debate_5956
"Basically, he got some money, got some action, and then didn't need you for anything else…"
"Is that the sort of person you want to be with?" - Remarkable-Robin
"NOR, but I think the real answer lies with his conscience. I have a feeling he got a little anxious or something."
"Me, as a young guy in the 80s, most definitely would not have left my bag of goodies and a nice, sexy woman waiting at the house! I would have worked so fast through that ice machine call, trying to get my butt back over there as fast as possible. ESPECIALLY for a fun night like you two had planned."
"No, there is something more going on. Especially how casually he said, 'Oh, I just decided to go home and do some laundry,' like a fun party night is worth losing over laundry. What guy would give that up? It would be something pretty important."
"He's either having second thoughts, has a second something in his life, had to go home to his wife (sorry), or was rethinking some stuff. Maybe he just lost the mood and was hoping for another night? Who knows."
"If he knew you were doing all of this, you have every right to be upset. You might want to have a look and see if there are other women around him. You may have only been his side lover, and his real one kept him home." - Betterword2528
Others hoped the OP would start showing herself more self-love and self-respect.
"Girl. GIRLLL. You deserve so much better. He doesn't even like you." - InformationHead3797
"Girl, with all due respect, wtf do you even care about yourself?? This man sounds like he has no redeeming qualities." - _Lazy_Mermaid
"So you have a addict borrowing your money, attempting to get it up, failing at sex with you, and then leaving and ignoring you?"
"What happened in your life that your bar is so low? Seriously."
"Do you use, too, and he is appealing that way? And so you're fine with him disappearing and spotting him money?"
"This is such a deeply unappealing dynamic to me that I cannot quite wrap my head around why you would at all be hurt by him rather than wanting him permanently gone." - yobrefas
"Oh wow... There are so many things wrong with this. Why are you okay being with someone on drugs? You DO know that he's probably spent the money he 'borrowed' from you on more drugs, right?"
"Also, taking them and saying that he's not getting them back until he pays you, will not solve the drug problem... although it sounds as though you don't care, so I'd rethink the whole 'not an id**t' thing." - RENEGAD31990
"NOR at all. Between the couldn't get it up, the borrowing money, drug use, and not giving a s**t enough to even call you to tell you he wasn't coming back… he sounds like f**king peach."
"You know what to do, OP. You don't need us to tell you." - ThatsCaptain2U
"I'm sorry, OP. Good job standing up for yourself, though, seriously. Get the money he owes you, and then dump his a**." - TheRealMDooles11
"Girl, really, why are you wasting your life?" - itellitwithlove
"Babes, and please know I say this with so much love. No, you are not overreacting; I don't actually think you're reacting enough."
"This guy came over, used you for money and goodness knows what else, and then stood you up. These were all choices. He didn't get caught up in an emergency; he didn't have something he had to run off to that would warrant a 'Sorry, love, something urgent has come up' text."
"He went home to do laundry, after planning a date and time with you, after getting the money and the action he wanted."
"You sound like such a good girlfriend with a lot of love to give, and you don't deserve this. You deserve a guy who would recognise the queen you are and treat you as such, not someone like this dude."
"I truly hope you've ended it with him. And I hope you're okay."
"Hugs, friend. Again, NOR." - moonmagic22
The subReddit couldn't help but side-eye this entire situation and the kind of treatment the OP had accepted from her relationship. Not only did her boyfriend not appreciate her efforts on this particular evening, but the fact that she referred to this as being a pattern from him spoke volumes.
It was clear this was not the right relationship for the OP to be in, because she wasn't being appreciated. She deserved to decide what would make her happy and not settle for anything less when another relationship opportunity came along.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.