Planning a wedding is meant to be fun.
It's a JOYOUS time, and celebration is key.
But a wedding is a big event!
No matter how low-key you want to make the party, it still takes planning and work to pull off.
It's an all-hands-on-deck scenario.
Redditor Right_Aardvark_4467 found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her lazy fiancé and their upcoming wedding ceremony, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for telling my fiancé that his lack of effort with wedding planning makes me not want to have kids?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Me (22 F[emale]) and my fiancé (22 M[ale]) are currently planning our wedding, which is now about 6 months away."
"Although we both want to get married, I originally didn't want to have a big traditional wedding for many reasons."
"Most importantly, because I am very busy right now working full time and going to college to get my Bachelor's degree, and don't have a lot of free time to plan."
"We had many discussions about whether or not to have a wedding like he wanted, or to elope/ have a very small celebration with only immediate family, like I wanted."
"There were many tears (mostly from me), but I finally caved and agreed to a big wedding."
"I made it clear that I still had reservations about having a big wedding, but that I didn't want to take that experience away from him or disappoint his family by not including them."
"I have done basically all of the planning so far, even though I have continuously begged my fiancé to put in more effort to help me."
"It's not that he doesn't have preferences about the wedding either- he has very strong opinions and would be upset if I made decisions without him."
"He's just not willing to start tasks unless I remind him about it for weeks first."
"This has led to me spending many hours of extra effort and research so I can present him with options to help me choose between so that anything will get done on time."
"I have spent the time doing this research/wedding planning instead of relaxing after long days of work and school, while he has spent his free time playing video games or doing things he enjoys."
"We have had many arguments about this, and every time he apologizes, promises he'll do more, and has even told me to take a break from planning, and he'll take care of it."
"I even have an entire spreadsheet with all of the tasks that need to be done/when they should be done by, so it really isn't hard for him to pick up a task or 2 when he has time after work or on weekends."
"This weekend, I asked him if he planned to do any wedding planning since we are getting behind on our list."
"He told me yes, of course he was."
"On Sunday night, I checked in again to see if he got anything done over the weekend, and he says that he didn't, but he's sorry and will do some this week."
"Here's where I may be the a**hole: Because we are getting married soon, we have recently been talking more about our lives together, including whether or not we want kids."
"We both agree that we don't want kids- probably ever or at least not for a while- but that it could be a possibility in the future."
"I was so frustrated that I told him that his behavior makes me not want to consider ever having kids with him."
"He was taken aback and asked if I really felt that way."
"I told him that yes, I do feel that way and have been thinking about it for a while."
"If he is unwilling to do even small tasks for a wedding that he wanted without being nagged/reminded over and over again, I can't trust that I wouldn't have to constantly remind him to do tasks for potential future children."
"Although I was mostly upset about the wedding planning, I also pointed out a few other household chores/tasks where this has been an ongoing issue."
"I told him that I felt this was a pattern of behavior for him and I'd be happy to reconsider if he can step up in these areas (long-term, consistently, and without reminders)."
"He went to sleep without telling me goodnight and has not talked to me since."
"I understand that what I said was harsh, but I meant what I said and feel like he deserves to know how I feel about this."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"Your instincts are spot on."
"His refusal to help with wedding planning is a huge red flag relative to contributing equally to other tasks that should be shared, including and especially those that have to do with parenting."
"If he doesn't step up to the plate with wedding prep, then you probably should reconsider the relationship, or at least be prepared to assume most of the responsibilities with housekeeping and childcare. NTA." ~ calacmack
"Do not marry him."
"He likes the idea of having a wife and children, but he will never be a husband or Dad." ~ WavesnMountains
"The same way he likes the idea of having a wedding, provided someone else does all the labor, yep." ~ AgonistPhD
"He wants a wife, but he has no intention of being a husband."
"Do not marry this man."
"Your thoughts about him as a father are your instincts screaming at you to run before you're legally/financially intertwined with him." ~ room32a
"I second this."
"He is SHOWING you, in real time, what life is going to be like with him."
"He wants all the trappings of a wedding, a marriage, and kids without having to put in any of the work."
"He will NEVER step up."
"Your best bet at this point is to either cancel the wedding altogether, or postpone it until HE can plan and execute the wedding HE wanted HIMSELF."
"Anything less than that, and he will see you as a doormat." ~ JustMe518
"Exactly this."
"I would stop reminding him more than once, and wait for the wedding not to happen at all."
"Tell him once, and no more."
"Nothing will actually get done, and the wedding will need to be postponed." ~ hollyjazzy
"Exactly!!! OP, behold, your future."
"Love and sex are wonderful, but they don't fold the laundry, take out the trash, take the kids to baseball practice, stick up for you when your judgy AF S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] makes the holidays a nightmare… really think about whether or not you want to be the one carrying this relationship." ~ ThePythiaofApollo
"You can just tell that he will want and pressure her for kids in the way he pressured her for the big wedding that he's done zero work to produce."
"Run OP run! NTA!" ~ sikonat
"This is why I'm getting divorced."
"I actually told someone recently that my ex loved the idea of being a husband and father more than he liked BEING a husband and father."
"Guess who's spent four hours with his kids in the past 2 weeks!"
"Yep, the guy who really wanted a fourth child!" ~ txgrl308
"My first husband was like this."
"He was super excited about the idea of being a husband and father, but he was annoyed if he was actually expected to do anything, like being nice to his wife or watching his son for 5 minutes, etc."
"One time, I put the baby down for a nap and needed to run to the store, and me leaving him with a sleeping child in the house was unacceptable."
"If the baby woke up before I got back, he would be required to actually interact with him, and that was too much effort." ~ Bird_Brain4101112
"Don't marry him! He's showing you right now who he is, and you're incompatible."
"You'll spend your whole married life bugging him to do the bare minimum, and he'll give you a fake apology and an empty promise so you can rinse and repeat."
"Please cancel everything and focus on yourself OP, you don't deserve to carry the load of a deadbeat for your whole life." ~ Feisty-Body-
"They should have had the conversation about the children long before now."
"They're doing this backwards."
"I would recommend OP stop enabling him by doing the wedding planning."
"Just stop."
"If he wants to get married, tell him what day you'll be at the courthouse."
"End of story."
"But I would not be working so hard on something he wants unless it was for a birthday surprise." ~ Beneficial-Way-8742
"You're not an a**hole here - but if I were you I'd consider the marriage as a whole - HE wanted the big wedding but is making YOU do all the work."
"You're compromised for what he wanted, and then he f**ked off... if he's not interested in planning, then why should you be?
"Seems to me he's a giant a**hole and this is a big old red flag." ~ SignificantCicada156
OP came back to chat...
"To give more context to how we manage other household responsibilities: he cooks dinner and does grocery shopping/planning, I do the cleaning (other than he does his own laundry and is expected to pick up after himself in main areas)."
"I really don't enjoy cooking, and so I clean instead."
"Another task where this behavior has been an issue is cleaning the cat's litterbox."
"It is supposed to be a shared task, but I end up doing it all the time."
"Although, to be fair, he does feed our cat most of the time twice per day."
Reddit is concerned for you, OP.
This behavior is a problem.
He needs to step up, and quickly.
You weren't trying to be malicious.
You just doled out some much-needed truth.
Stay strong and Good Luck.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.