Every couple who gets married has the right to invite and not invite whomever they choose to their big day.
It’s their wedding, their rules.
Of course, these decisions will always raise a few eyebrows. The real issue that stirs drama, though, is the specific reasons behind who didn’t make the cut.
The who and why can force some difficult conversations.
Redditor Imaginary-Active5980 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for assuming I was invited to my cousin’s wedding, and ‘making a scene’ when I found out I wasn’t?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (18 F[emale]) cousin’s (22 F) wedding was this weekend.”
“I’ll call her Mary.”
“Growing up, we were pretty close, as I and my siblings (20 F and 23 M[ale]) often went to Mary’s house.”
“Lately, we haven’t seen each other much because all of them moved away for college, but it’s still nice to see each other at family events.”
“A year and a half ago, she met her now-husband.”
“He has been invited to Christmas, Easter, and every family event since then.”
“When he was there, I noticed that Mary was a lot more distant than usual.”
“She barely talked to me but talked with my siblings all night.”
“I figured it was probably just because of our age difference.”
“A few weeks/months ago, we got an invitation to their wedding in the mail—or at least my parents did.”
“My name wasn’t mentioned on the invitation, which was addressed to ‘The our last names,’ but since I still live with my parents and my brother and sister both got one, I assumed I was included, and so did my parents.”
“But Mary’s face dropped when she saw me.”
“She pretended to smile, but I could see something was bothering her.”
“The wedding went on, but during the cocktail hour, Mary came up to me and asked me why I came since she didn’t send me an invitation.”
“I was taken aback a bit, but told her that we assumed I was included and asked her why she didn’t invite me.”
“She avoided the question, but after insisting a bit, she told me that she wanted her husband’s family to have a good impression of her family and didn’t want them to know that her cousin was a lesbian because she wanted to have a ‘normal family.'”
“For context, our family is pretty open-minded, and all of them accept me, but her husband and his family are a lot more traditional and conservative.”
“What I don’t understand is, I don’t ‘look gay’ (whatever that means), and they would’ve never known unless someone told them.
“I was so shocked.”
“I told her that she was sick for caring about impressing a bunch of bigots more than her own cousin.”
“She got mad at me and we both got a bit loud, which attracted attention.”
“People came to find out what was happening.”
“When they found out, my parents said that she was being mean and shouldn’t have made a big deal about this.”
“A bunch of other people said that it was wrong of me to come when I wasn’t invited.”
“Mary started telling me to leave, so I stormed off.”
“Since, I have been receiving texts from her and her parents saying that I was a bi**h for coming, making a scene, and ruining her big day.”
“I understand that it’s her wedding, and she can invite whoever she wants, but her words were so hurtful.”
“And I genuinely thought I was invited.”
“But I know it’s wrong that I caused such a scene on her wedding day.”
“Maybe I should’ve just left and not said anything?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA… Just a note for wedding invite etiquette.”
“Per the way the invitation was addressed, OP actually was invited.”
“When you receive a wedding invitation with multiple family members still living at home, you should always check the envelope.”
“If it was addressed to specific people, then only those people were invited.”
“If it was addressed to the family, then all members of the family residing at that residence were invited.”
“The bride also had the ability to correct her mistake by paying attention to the RSVP, which included who and how many people would be attending.”
“This, of course, is a small point compared to the insulting display of homophobia.”
“Just wanted to point out that OP made absolutely no mistake in believing she was invited.”
“So not only is the bride an AH, she also isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.” ~ WeeklyReport3628
“NTA. A card to ‘the last names’ would normally include everyone in that family living there.”
“No reason to ask either.”
“I would also have assumed I was invited.”
“Your cousin is an AH.”
“Bigots are automatically AH’s.”
“There’s no ‘looking gay,’ that’s crap.”
“Hell I ‘look gay’ but am straight, and plenty of lesbians aren’t the ‘butch gay’ type bigots envision.”
“I’m sorry to say your cousin is a bigot.”
‘She cares more about the bigoted I[n] L[aw]’s than her own cousin.”
“You were hurt and logically so.”
“You reacted in a way that could be expected from someone who has been hurt.”
“Sending you hugs!” ~ Parttime-Princess
“NTA. If your parents and siblings were all invited, it would be logical to believe you were invited too.”
“Especially as nobody had discussed it with your family.”
“Did your grandparents know that you weren’t invited?”
“At least your family can cut them all off, knowing what awful people they are.” ~ 3bag
“If I were your parents and siblings, I would have made a much larger scene and taken my gifts back. NTA.” ~ squishpitcher
“NTA… she ruined things for herself by putting you on the spot and then escalating things and by being a huge bigot.”
“She should have kept her pie hole shut and been a gracious hostess.”
“You did nothing wrong – based on the invitation, you were right to assume you were welcome.” ~ FauveSxMcW
“I’m going with NTA if it was genuinely an innocent mistake about the invite.”
“I mean, you live at home, your parents and siblings were invited, you’ve never been previously excluded, there was no reason to think that you weren’t included even though not specifically mentioned, as you said your siblings don’t live at home so they got separate invites.”
“Out of interest, would your parents and siblings, etc, still have gone to the wedding if they knew that you had been excluded for being a lesbian?”
“Even about the scene: you did not cause a scene. She was the one that made a scene.”
“She could’ve just looked past your attendance since you weren’t harming anyone.”
“But instead, she insulted you, and you defended yourself.” ~ Equivalent-Moose2886
“I don’t think imagining what the parents and siblings would have done is productive in this scenario.”
“The cousin is a double idiot: first of all excluding a family member based on her sexuality, as she wants to portray a ‘normal family’; second bringing the topic of her wedding itself up of course was going to bring more questions than anything else.”
“NTA – The mistake sounds honest.”
“Excluding a family member from a family event at this level is a big deal and it wouldn’t be normal to think you weren’t invited if there wasn’t a previous event that indicates there was a problem.” ~ Frumainthedark
OP responded…
“I don’t think my parents and siblings would’ve gone if they knew.”
“My parents have always tried to protect me when people were being homophobic to me (partly because many kids kind of bothered me about it throughout high school), so I don’t think they would’ve been okay with it.”
“Maybe they would’ve gone just so that there wouldn’t be drama, but they definitely would’ve been angry at my cousin.”
“My parents left a while after I did.”
“When I left they started talking to my cousin and aunt and uncle, to try to make them realize that they were being awful basically.”
“They also gave them a whole speech on the whole ‘being ashamed of having a gay family member’ thing.”
“Even though I felt a bit alone when I left, I’m glad that they stayed and had that conversation with them, because I think it’s important to tell them how rude they were being, and I was in no state to do that.”
Reddit continued…
“I would think the chance of your parents and siblings not going was the reason why they never directly said you weren’t invited and made the invite very ambiguous.”
“You are NTA.” ~ SorbetOk1165
“She is mad because she completely embarrassed herself at her own wedding and showed everyone who she really is.”
“The whole situation is on her.”
“If she didn’t want you to be invited, she should have used her words before the wedding, but she didn’t want to do that because she knew no one would support it and that everyone would either be angry at her or just refuse to go to the wedding.”
“She just handled the situation all wrong.”
“If she had even just had a word with you before the wedding day to say that his family is super conservative, would you mind keeping it to yourself that you’re a lesbian, I’m sure you would’ve agreed.”
“But clearly her husband is as bigoted and homophobic as the rest of his family if she was already less communicative with you during previous events.”
“It’s unfortunate that she’s changed herself for a man, and not in a good way.” ~ Equivalent-Moose2886
“This was exactly my thought, also, u/Equivalent-Moose2886.”
“I mean, yes, OP should have suspected that something was up when her cousin began avoiding her at gatherings.”
“And she should have attempted to confront her cousin and ask why she was avoiding her.”
“And if she couldn’t, then she should have asked other family members to ask the cousin why she was avoiding her.”
“Or, at least, that’s what I would have done, anyway.”
“But exactly. The only one who was embarrassed here was OP’s cousin.”
“And she should be ashamed of herself for not pulling OP aside and saying that she can’t speak about her sexual orientation or anything relating to it at the wedding.”
“And for doing everything that she did instead, which were, clearly and obviously, ALL of the wrong things.”
“From not making the names on the invitation that she sent to the home where their parents and OP live, to making a scene at the wedding and embarrassing herself, TO CHANGING HERSELF FOR A MAN!”
“If she needed advice on how to handle this situation, she should have asked her parents.”
“Although, maybe, actually, if she didn’t already know what the right way to handle this situation was without needing to consult her parents, then maybe she isn’t mature or adult enough of a person to get married.”
“NTA, OP! I’m so sorry that you went through all of that.”
“If I may give some advice, it would be that you go N[o] C[ontact], or at least L[ow] C[ontact], with your sister, if you haven’t already.”
“As her marriage goes on, she will change herself more and more and become more like the family that she has married into.”
“Believe me. And trust me.”
“I know that this will happen.”
“I have experienced this kind of thing myself firsthand.”
“My brother married a woman from El Salvador back in 2012 (they became B[oy]F[riend] and G[irl]F[riend] their senior year of high school in 2005), and he has basically become a Salvadoran and is very combatant and argumentative and gangs up with my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] and her brothers and parents on my mom (single parent and I can’t be there to protect her right now) a lot when politics and other certain topics come up.”
“Sending strength, hugs, and love. 💪🫂🧡🤎🫶.” ~ morchard1493
“NTA, I think your cousin deliberately was wishy-washy in the letter, because she did not want your parents to know that you weren’t invited, but she also wanted to butter up her new bigoted family.”
“And when you came, she tried to blame it all on you and provoke you in order to make you look like you were in the wrong.”
“I don’t know why she married into a bunch of bigots because one day she will get the short end of the stick if she hasn’t already.”
“She is a moron because there is no way in hell that that family will ever stand up for her.”
‘I would cut ties with her completely and not help her when she eventually pops up whining again a year from now because her bigoted husband refuses to treat her like a human being and her new parents-in-law mistreat her.”
“She has burned this bridge and embraced homophobia.”
“She also humiliated you.”
“She did not even have the balls to write the wedding invitation normally — nobody writes ‘the last names’ and nothing else.” ~ Prof-Dr-Overdrive
“NTA. Wedding etiquette is that if the invite says ‘Johnson Family,’ all members of the household are invited.”
“If there are exclusions, the invite should read ‘John and Jane Johnson.'”
“The fact that she didn’t do that was mistake 1.”
“Then, she could’ve just let go for the day.”
“Instead, she decided to ask you why you came, despite you technically having been invited.”
“During that, she dragged in your sexuality, implying you were embarrassing her.”
“Sure, you could’ve held your head high saying ‘Well, I’m terribly sorry for insulting you. Enjoy the rest of your wedding while I see myself out.'”
“That would’ve been most gracious, but more gracious than she deserved after the run-up.”
“So yes, this is on your homophobic cousin.” ~ DutchTinCan
“NTA …it makes perfect sense to assume that the invite to your parents was meant for you as well.”
“If she didn’t want you to come, she should have explicitly told you so beforehand.” ~ Overall_Sorbet248
“Even without an invitation, your cousin is dumb as a brick.”
“How does she think it would pan out when your family finds out you were the only one who wasn’t invited.” ~ BaghdadA**Up
“NTA, she’s a nasty bigot, genuinely couldn’t care if her wedding was ruined or not, stay well away from her, she’s the wrong one.” ~ Acceptable_Bunch_586
“NTA… drop your homophobic cousin’s a**.” ~ Nice-Highlight481
This is a terrible situation in which you’ve been thrust into OP.
You clearly have Reddit’s full support.
It’s sad that your cousin is choosing bigotry over you.
Some people don’t change for the better.
You keep being you, proud and normal.
Thankfully, it sounds like you have the family support you really need.
Good luck.