Finances always seem to be a hot-button issue in relationships.
Even in the best of unions, money and expenses can ruin any given moment.
Even talking about money can cause stress.
It's especially problematic when one partner feels the other isn't paying their fair share.
Redditor Successful-Onion-872 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for expecting my partner to help out with rent?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (37 M[ale]) partner and I (35 F[emale]) have been together for almost 3 years."
"I have a daughter, and he has no kids."
"When we met, I was still in nursing school, not working, so I wasn't making any money."
"He knew this, and he has a pretty good job, so he would pay for everything when we would go out."
"Shortly after we became official, he had me pay for some of the times we would go out, which is fine."
"I get it."
"It just kinda sucked because I was not working and short on money, but it is what it is."
"Fastforward to now, I still pay for everything for my daughter and I don't mind that, it's my responsibility."
"We take turns paying for stuff when we go out, so it's okay."
"He never officially moved in, but he slowly started staying over longer and longer."
"He hasn't stayed at his place in almost a year."
"He works as a lineman, so he would travel around a lot."
"Didn't have an apartment, but he has an RV he owns and pays $400 a month for the lot."
"I bought a house almost two years before we met, and I pay almost $1200 in mortgage, and all the bills are under my name, of course."
"I eventually talked him into helping me pay some of the bills since he hadn't offered."
"We came to an agreement that he would pay 1/3 since it's me and my daughter, and it's just him with no kids, but he wasn't excited about that."
"He doesn't think he should help me pay for my mortgage at all because he says I'm the one building equity on it, and when I sell it, the money will be mine."
"Which is true, but I don't think it's necessarily fair."
"He makes pretty good money ($20/hr. more than me, to be exact) but still doesn't offer to pay for anything other than half of the times we go out."
"Whenever anything in the house needs fixing, I'm the one paying for it, and he never offers to pay any part of it."
"ETA: He justifies not paying rent and only paying 1/3 of the bills since he now drives an hour to and from work and pays the extra gas it's costing him (his RV is an hour away, which is where his work is as well)."
The OP was left to wonder:
"WIBTA for asking again to give me some money for rent since he gets to live in my home?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Don't phrase it as paying the mortgage."
"He should be paying rent, which you use to offset the house's repairs and maintenance cost."
"NTA, but it's time for a sit-down conversation about living arrangements and who is paying for what."
"If he is living there, give him a tenancy agreement stating how much and when he pays and conditions for termination of the agreement."
"Can he park the RV at your place and pay you the 400 instead?"
"Or if the RV isn't needed since he's living with you, will he sell it?" ~ Rare_Sugar_7927
"OP needs to be careful about asking him to help with the mortgage or having him pay for or do repairs."
"All those things could be used in the event of a breakup to declare her home as community property."
"AND before everyone loses their mind about the fact that they aren't married, he might try to claim they have a common law marriage."
"AND before everyone starts saying they don't meet the criteria, we can't possibly know that since the laws are different everywhere. NTA." ~ CartoonistFirst5298
"Single mother, completes nursing degree, launches and maintains highly responsible and demanding career and purchases own home."
"Maintains the home and keeps the household running."
"Dude who lives with her sometimes serves no purpose."
"What was the question?"
"You are NTA, but with respect, you might be supporting a second child you didn't know you'd signed up for." ~ Objective_Purpose768
"Honestly, I wouldn't bother asking him for money again."
"He's already given you an answer."
"I'd let him know he's no longer welcome to stay in your home more than two nights a week if he's not able to contribute to rent or utilities."
"He has his own spot that he's already paying for, so he should start making use of it if he doesn't wanna pay for yours too."
"No reason to keep rehashing the same argument when you could just draw a boundary and save yourself the headache." ~ VenusInAries666
"NTA. The whole 'paying towards the mortgage and getting equity' argument is so dumb."
"He's paying $400 a month on a lot somewhere, right?"
"He mad that his landlord is using that $400 to increase their equity?"
"If most of his stuff is at your house, then he needs to pay rent."
"The $400 a month is basically RV storage."
"He lives in your house; he needs to pay rent there."
"Just paying towards bills also doesn't make sense."
"If he had an apartment, he'd be paying rent/mortgage and utilities."
"This is no different."
"If he doesn't want to pay anything more than he is paying right now, he needs to move back into his RV and just visit you when invited." ~ Prior_Lobster_5240
"NTA. It shouldn't matter whether you own your home or not."
"You still have to pay either rent or mortgage to have a place to live."
"If he's over at your home and not contributing or doesn't want to, he can stay at his."
"You might want to reconsider this relationship too."
"If someone is unwilling to compromise and stingy or selfish in one area of the relationship, it can reflect in other areas too. E.g. with their time, effort, affection, support etc." ~ Jaya-7
"Charge him rent at market value."
Check the rental houses in your area that are similar to yours and charge him one-third of the advertised rent.
"If he is not happy with that proposal claiming that he has to pay for the RV lot and travel longer distances to work, just call it quits."
"He is only keeping you from being with someone who values you more than a cheap place to live." ~ Difficult-Egg-9954
"NTA - You're a single mom doing your best to support your daughter, and this guy thinks he should be able to crash at your place for free?"
"Absolutely not."
"It's time to cut him loose and focus on what really matters—your daughter."
"You don't need a grown toddler freeloading off you."
"You're working hard on your future and deserve so much better."
"What does he even bring to the relationship?"
"As for his drive time, that's his choice to work there."
"You shouldn't be penalized for it."
"You and your baby girl do not have this type of stress."
"You should be proud that you worked for and bought your own home."
"Go live your best life without him." ~ RelativeConfusion504
"NTA... if he wants to stay there and if he takes your relationship seriously, he should have no issue with it."
"I'm in nursing school now after a career change."
My now-husband and I met before he became a lineman apprentice; he lived with me while he waited to get in with the union.
"I have two kids from a previous marriage."
"He now pays for everything while I'm in school."
"We support each other and have helped one another in any and every way since day 1."
"We have been together for 3.5 years and married for 6 months."
"Cliche, but if he wanted to - he would."
"There should never be a power struggle- it's not you vs. him or him vs. you- it's you both as a team vs. the problem- and the problem is that you're financially covering all of it."
"If he's serious about you, he'd only use the RV for storm, officially move in and pay what is fair for you both."
"After 3 years, girl, I'd be wondering what he thinks this is?"
"Your home isn't a smash and crash pad... it's either our home or it's my home, and you can go sleep in your RV." ~ Sorry-Expression3052
"YWNBTA."
"He is a freeloader and a stingy person."
"He is living in your home rent-free."
"Whether you own it or someone else, living in a home is not free."
"And he still doesn't even pick up the check when you go out?"
"You're going Dutch on dates, and this creep is only paying 1/3 of the household costs."
"That is not OK." ~ EmceeSuzy
"Sex, housework, and finances."
"The three biggest generators of angst in relationships."
"Him paying a share of the bills sounds completely reasonable, and a bit sucky he didn't just offer.'
"Him fixing the home, maybe he has a point that it's your house which you'll profit from."
"Him paying for half of your fun times out, again, sounds fair 'cause you're both out having fun."
"I guess y'all have a different perception of what is 'fair.'"
"You'll either work out or consider whether it's healthy staying in a relationship with those different beliefs. NAH." ~SlappySlapsticker
"NTA... don't know where you are."
"But my property taxes and insurance alone costs me hundreds a month."
"Money you don't get back when you sell."
"Not every dime you put into this is returnable."
"But beyond that argument."
"In my opinion."
"He is playing house and doesn't see a future with you."
"At the very least, he is selfish."
"You pay every other time you go out."
"And he won't pay ever for your daughter after all this time?"
"How bout groceries and toiletries and utilities and cable and extra use of your belongings that deteriorating 33% faster than they would if he wasn't there."
"If I wasn't in love with this man and it's just a boyfriend, that's working out for now."
"I'd think we are probably ok."
"If you're thinking this might roll into marriage."
"I'd do some soul searching."
"I don't get the vibe he is thinking that."
"And honestly,y the never paying for my daughter would be a deal breaker."
"It's not the money, it's the making her feel like a burden and him letting her know I will never be your care taker even to the extent of buying a lunch, that would be a problem for me."
"It's the attitude surrounding that that would make me think twice about it."
"I feel you're totally ok asking for more help."
"He lives at your house, let's call it what it is."
"And honestly, he can afford it."
"I wouldn't put 1 cent into his portion that he doesn't cover."
"You've got a child and a future of your own to consider."
"If it were me, he would step up, or he would have to step out." ~ Rosie_Hymen
"It isn't really about a fair split of the bills."
"You call him your 'partner,' but he's approaching all of this in a very transactional way."
"His underlying assumption seems to be that this is temporary and that financial entanglement should be avoided."
"Is that what you want?"
"Are you intentionally letting a random temporary guy sleep over 7 nights a week in your and your daughter's home?"
"If you want a life partner and at least a stepfather to your child, this guy isn't it."
"If you are also being transactional, the arrangement is really unfair to your child." ~ Successful-Pie-5689
"NTA. I understand not wanting to pay to your mortgage, but yeah, that doesn't mean you get to live rent free forever."
"It sounds like you've got a start with the 1/3 of the bills thing, but that's not enough considering he's not paying any rent."
"You can try to dress it up even further with other non-rent expenses he can pay to cover his end (a higher share of the bills, groceries, etc), but ultimately, it's always a red flag to me when you get to the 'OK, how are we going to make this work financially' stage of a relationship and one side is skimping right from the start." ~ JNF919
"Tell him to go live in the RV, then."
"He doesn't get to live rent-free."
"Is he stupid or gaslighting you?"
"If you rent a place to live, you are paying the owner for the privilege of living in his house/apartment."
"The owner is building equity."
"Tell me the difference between that scenario and yours."
"The only thing I would concede would be to let him move his RV to your house so he no longer has to pay for the lot rental."
"Let him pay you the $400 instead. NTA." ~ Vibe_me_pos
"NTA. If he is at your place all the time, he should pay something."
"Keep in mind, though, he could just go back to his place." ~ merishore25
"NTA - But it's about time he goes back to living in the RV for a bit." ~ IcePrincess_Not_Sk8r
Reddit is with you on this one, OP.
If he is living there, he should be paying rent.
Also, it may be time to evaluate this relationship.
Three years and no serious commitment?
Three years and no offers to help a little extra?
Maybe he isn't the one.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp