No parent wants to see their child struggling.
Even when it's their child's time to go out in the world and "fend for themself" as it were.
With this in mind, many parents have no trouble offering their children a little help.
In some sad cases, however, some adult children grow accustomed to this help, eventually leading them to expect it.
Redditor Complex_Decision3532 wanted to help their daughter out as she was starting to make her way in the world.
While the original poster (OP)'s daughter was finding her way, she continued to take a little too much advantage of the OP's generosity.
Unfortunately for her, the time finally came when the OP needed to end their ongoing help.
News that their daughter did not take well at all.
Concerned they may have been making the wrong decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my oldest daughter to move out of the condo I own so her younger sister can live there during college?"The OP explained why their daughter was furious with them
"I (parent, 50s) bought a small studio-style condo a few years ago as an investment/extra space."
“At the time, my oldest daughter (mid-20s) needed somewhere to live, so I let her move in rent-free to help her get on her feet.”
“The understanding (at least from my perspective) was that this was temporary."
“Fast forward a few years, and she’s still living there and hasn’t been paying rent."
“She’s working, but hasn’t made any moves toward finding her own place."
“I didn’t push it too hard because I wanted to support her."
“At one point, she actually had plans to move out and live with her fiancé, so I assumed things were naturally progressing.”
"But they ended up breaking up, and she stayed in the condo.”
"I didn’t push the issue at the time because I knew she was going through a difficult situation.”
"Now the situation has changed.”
"My youngest daughter (18) is starting college nearby in August, and I’d like her to live in the condo to save on housing costs.”
"Because of the timing, I do have a firm deadline for when the condo needs to be available.”
"I told my oldest that I’d like her to start making plans to move out so her sister can move in."
“She got really upset and said I was 'kicking her out’ and playing favorites.”
“She says she’s comfortable there and that it’s unfair to uproot her when she’s been living there for years.”
“She also says rent is expensive right now and I’m putting her in a difficult position."
"To try to make things easier, I offered her a room in my house rent-free so she wouldn’t have to worry about paying rent while figuring out her next steps.”
"She doesn’t want to do that and says it’s not the same as having her own place.”
“I get that it’s not easy to suddenly move, and I do feel bad, but at the same time, I’ve been letting her live there rent-free for years, and I feel like I’ve been more than generous.”
“I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to use a property I own to help my younger daughter through school.”
“Now there’s tension in the family, and I’m being made to feel like the bad guy.”
“AITA for asking my oldest to move out so her sister can live there?
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling their daughter she needed to move out of the condo.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP's daughter needed to start growing up and learn how to be self-sufficient, even if some felt that the OP was somewhat responsible for her behavior, having enabled her for too long:
'NTA, if you don't let the younger one also take advantage, then you'd be playing favorites."
"She sounds very entitled."- ThrowRAMomVsGF
"NTA."
"I would straight up tell her that you are offering her alternative housing, but if she wants to play hardball, you will evict her, and she can learn the hard way."
"I would also tell her that moving back in with you is a time-limited deal, and that she will have 6 months to get herself organized to get her own place."
"It's not playing favorites, it's giving her younger sibling the same advantages that SHE had."
"It's time for her to grow up."- NYCStoryteller
"NTA."
"She's had her turn living for years for free in your condo, now it's her sister's turn."
"Simple as."- WoollySocks
"NTA."
"Except maybe for not giving her boundaries before this."- Character-Twist-1409
"Ask her what fair looks like for two siblings in their situation."
"Have her write it out and propose the solution."
"She has to come to the conclusion herself."
"Unless she is a narcissist or delusional, saying 'one sibling should have a free condo for years and the other sibling should not' would be unusual."
"Make her solve the problem."
"NTA by the way."
"But you need to put the ball in her court."- alpacaboba
"NTA."
"If she has been rent-free for years, one would assume she has money in the bank and can afford to actually get her own place."- bivo979
"NTA, you need to remind her it’s not her own place, it’s yours, and she’s been living rent-free for years."
"She should have a ton of money in the bank."
"Whether she does or not has nothing to do with the fact she needs to move out now."
"You’ve been enormously generous to her, she now needs to grow up and move on."- CuriousMindedAA
"NTA."
"She got to live there for years rent-free, now it’s your other daughter’s turn."
"That’s the opposite of favoritism."- brit83mem
The OP later returned with an update, taking the time to thank everyone who took the time to comment, and sharing where things currently stood between them and their daughter, while also clarifying the situation a bit:
"First, thank you to everyone who responded—I didn’t expect so many perspectives."
"A few clarifications based on common questions:"
"The condo is a studio, so it’s really only suitable for one person."
"My oldest did know when she moved in that this wasn’t meant to be permanent."
"It was always framed as helping her get on her feet. It was made clear to her it was our college 'dorm' plan for the youngest, before she moved in."
"She actually had plans to move out about a month ago to live with her fiancé, but they broke up, which is why she’s still there now."
"Dorming isn’t really an option for us."
"The school doesn’t require it, and my oldest daughter did live in a dorm her freshman year; we personally didn’t feel like it provided the benefits people often say it does, especially compared to the cost."
"When my oldest went to college, we rented."
"We did not make her commute from home, and don’t want to make the youngest."
"Hence the condo."
"For additional context, my oldest has had about seven years of free housing and was able to graduate college debt-free, which is something I’ve tried hard to provide for both of my kids."
"Right now, the main issue is timing."
"My youngest starts college in August, so I do have a firm deadline for when the condo needs to be available."
"My oldest is asking for another 6 months, but that would mean my younger daughter can’t use the condo as planned."
"After reading through the comments, I understand more why my oldest feels blindsided, even if that wasn’t my intention."
"At the same time, I do feel like I’ve been more than fair in giving her years of rent-free housing and offering an alternative now."
"I’m planning to sit down with her again and focus less on whether it was 'temporary' and more on helping her make a concrete plan to move forward before August."
"I don’t know how to approach 'making her' move."
"She’s our daughter, we never had a written agreement, not a tenant in the usual sense, and I’d prefer not to escalate things into something legal or damaging to our relationship if it can be avoided."
"Appreciate the input—even the critical ones."
Not many people are lucky enough to have parents who will help them the way the OP helped their daughter.
Unfortunately, it seems the OP's daughter wasn't exactly grateful for the help; rather, she felt she deserved it.
Perhaps if the OP can somehow make it clear to her that they just want to help her younger sister the same way they helped her, she might be more understanding.
Regardless, this is a lesson she needs to learn, one way or another.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Cancel Date After He Makes Too Many Sexual Comments