Putting together a guest list isn’t always fun.
It can be especially difficult when you’re putting a kid’s party together.
It’s easy to pull together a bunch of drunk adults for a gathering, but a kid’s pool party can be stressful.
The invite includes the kid and the adults… DRAMA!!
Redditor ecorado14 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“WIBTA for excluding a family with a badly-behaved, autistic child from the neighborhood pool party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I host a monthly pool party/BBQ for the neighborhood families.”
“I buy about $200 in steaks, hot dogs, and drinks, book the community party room, and send out invites and reminders.”
“It’s become a great way for the adults to connect and catch up, while the kids swim and play.”
“One of the neighborhood boys doesn’t behave appropriately – ie: splashes kids in the face when they ask him not to, pushes kids into the pool, calls them names, growls at kids if they win a game, doesn’t follow the rules of games, and such.”
“It’s unpleasant for the other kids, and he makes the younger ones cry.”
“His mom yells and threatens to take him home, but she doesn’t, so he continues misbehaving.”
“I’m not well-informed on autism, however, my stance is that the parents are responsible for ensuring their kids behave appropriately or removing them.”
“Instead, other parents have to get involved by yelling at the kid to leave theirs alone or comfort their crying kid.”
“After the last party, two of the kids asked me not to invite that boy again because he ruined the day for them.”
“I agree with them and believe that as part of my responsibility of hosting is to create a guest list of people who add positively to the event.”
“My husband disagrees because…”
“1) He thinks I should first bring up the issue to the boy’s parents and give him one more chance…”
“2) We can’t actually ‘exclude’ them since it’s a community pool, and…”
“3) He’s just conflict-avoidant and doesn’t want to ruin relations with neighbors.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“What do you think, would I be the a**hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I am (unfortunately) very familiar with having to parent other people’s out of control kids in order to protect my own.”
“It sucks.”
“Mostly because I’m not getting paid to watch your kid in public just because you decided to take your kid to a children’s museum with no intention of interacting with them/rant.”
“This one kid is not only putting other children in real danger (a pool is not the place for rough housing and bullying), but he’s ruining the day for the parents too. Imo, it’s time for his mom to learn that if she can’t behave appropriately in public, then she is not invited.”
“Her kid is an extension of her, and her responsibility.”
“You aren’t ostracizing a child, you’re setting boundaries with his mom. NTA.” ~ ManaKitten
“NTA and it’s not an issue of inclusion because the problem isn’t that he’s autistic but that his parent refuses to parent.”
“It drives me nuts when parents use their child’s autism as an excuse or explaination for their lack of parenting.”
“If they show up to the party anyway, I’d implement a strike system for all kids in the pool.”
“I used to do this when I babysat and my rule was I’d tell them the pool rules and would remind them not to do something once.”
“If they did it again, they had to get out of the pool for 5 minutes and watch all the other kids having fun without them.”
‘If they continued to break the rules, they’d be removed from the pool for the rest of the day.”
“It was super effective for kids who weren’t used to having actual consequences for their actions because their parents only threatened and never followed through.” ~ Scribe625
“My suggestion is to discuss the issue with the parents of the child.”
“Explain that his behavior is very disruptive and they have to do more than yell.”
“Explain that will be invited but when he/they can’t behave then they have to leave.”
“You’ll probably have to be the cop.”
“Its unfortunate for everyone involved.”
“Or have another party, exclude them, then explain afterwards why they weren’t invited.”
“Either way,.you’re going to have to discuss it with the parents.” ~ Th3OneRav3n
“NTA. The kid’s parents have had enough chances already.”
“Also, who is liable if that kid pushes a kid into the pool and the kid drowns?”
“Or pushes them into a grill resulting in a burn and hospital trip?”
“In your shoes, I would check to make sure what your exposure to liability is when hosting these parties.” ~ C_Majuscula
“Similar situation for us.”
“Our now adult son could never really socialize and it was heartbreaking to see how those situations evolved.”
“He wasn’t a problem like the kid cited in the post, but we also had to oversee his actions 100% of the time.”
“We realized it was best for all concerned to step away from many events.”
“I came here to write what you did.”
“It’s the responsibility of the Mother of the child in question.”
“She needs to accept that her child will never be able to integrate like she likely wants.”
“So then you adapt and she isn’t.”
“Given the situation I agree with the husband.” ~ Ancient-Witness-615
“Such great parenting advice.”
‘I work in a retail/grocery store and I have more than once seen a parent drag an over stimulated child around the entire store while the kid is sobbing/screaming.”
“I get that they’re in a tough place if they are in need of some shopping.”
“And maybe they just want some semblance of whatever normalcy was before having children.”
“But it literally hurts my heart.”
“This poor child is having a meltdown for whatever reason; just leave the store.”
“Maybe they just need a few moments in the car; maybe tomorrow is a better day.”
“But to spend the next 20+ minutes dragging them around the store feels like torture.
“I have literally heard the ear-shattering sobbing/screaming slowly move around the entire store for nearly 30 minutes, multiple times before.” ~ Individual_Water3981
“NTA. Some parents with autistic kids find it easier to avoid giving demands or denying preferred items/activities, or maintaining firm boundaries because they don’t want to deal with the meltdown.”
“But anyone who has raised, lives with, or worked with autistic children knows that the kind of behavior you are describing isn’t a foregone conclusion.”
“All kids can learn, even if they may require different methods, strategies, and a whole lot of patience.” ~ lilac_nightfall
“NTA and I would discuss it with the parents first.”
“Clearly explain the concerns based on your guests’ experience and how it could affect future invitations.”
“When you send the invites, include the expected behavior guidelines and let people know the potential consequences.”
“ChatGPT can help with the wording.” ~ KaleVivid3082
“I’m the mother of an autistic 4-year-old, and if he acted like that and I did nothing, I fully expect not to be invited to things.”
“Just because a child has autism doesn’t mean you can’t discipline them. In fact, you find other ways that work for them, hence why my son is well behaved.”
“So NTA.” ~ kikicutthroat990
“NTA – the pool is not a safe place for kids to misbehave.”
“Even if your kid has autism, you as a parent still need to hold your child accountable and teach them not to behave badly in public towards other kids.”
“Since it is a public pool, there’s not much you can do if they show up.”
“However, you are still not obligated to invite them.” ~ amelia611
“NTA. Since it’s clearly not a big deal in his eyes, your conflict-avoidant husband can be responsible for talking to the boy’s parents about their one last chance and then be responsible for making sure the boy doesn’t ruin everyone else’s day.” ~ biceps_tendon
“NTA. The boy’s mother has already proven that she’s only willing to make a show of ‘discipline,’ but she doesn’t care at all about actually raising her kid properly, autism or not.”
“She’s the only one she can blame for herself and her child being excluded.” ~ MysteryGirlWhite
“People need to stop focusing on ‘why’ a child does not behave properly and focus on how badly the child is behaving.”
“In this case this child is not acting properly and is a danger to other children, yes pushing children into the pool is dangers, they might hit themselves or hit another child already in the pool.”
“Given these antics, the child and his parents shouldn’t be invited.”
“The parents need to focus on making sure their child acts appropriately; his condition is not another person’s responsibility, so having autism is not the get-out-trouble card. NTA.” ~ isane20XX
“NTA – setting boundaries and holding the parents responsible for their child who is a known disruption is not a problem.”
“Some autistics are disruptive, and it’s not their fault oftentimes, but it also means that sometimes, it’s not safe to have them around.”
“If they can’t behave appropriately and their parent isn’t monitoring them appropriately, it’s well within your rights to exclude them for the safety of the other guests.”
“Autism is not a free pass to be an a**hole.” ~ AnonAnontheAnony
“NTA. Your conflict-avoidant husband is wrong and needs to put you and the children you have together first.”
“Your neighbor is using her son’s condition as an excuse to avoid parenting.”
“Managing her child is her responsibility.”
“Her not assuming this responsibility is putting your children at risk and continuing to put your children in this situation is setting a bad precedent.”
“The precedent that they should just accept poor treatment from another because of some external factors.”
“This child and their parent have had enough chances.” ~ WhereWeretheAdults
“You’re not actually excluding the child. You’re excluding the way the child was raised.”
“It’s not your fault the child was raised poorly, and everyone else shouldn’t have to suffer because of shi**y parenting. NTA.” ~ theghostsofvegas
“NTA. It is a private party.”
“You are not obligated to invite everyone in the neighborhood.”
“The venue, while a neighborhood pool, is booked by you.”
“So it is not open to the public for the time you booked it.”
“Does it suck for them? Yes.”
“But they are responsible for their kid, autistic or not.”
“If they don’t watch their kid and don’t stop him from bullying other kids, they should know there are consequences for their irresponsibility.” ~ AffectionateCable793
“NTA but my advice is to talk to the parents first and provide guidelines for having their child attend.”
“Not because I think they’ll comply but because this situation has all the hallmarks of neighborhood drama.”
“They’re going to talk crap, someone(s) going to take their side and I can pretty much guarantee a ruckus.”
“Which is the opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish with these parties.”
“Being able to say, ‘We tried to talk with the parents, but they haven’t controlled his behavior’ will decrease drama.” ~ Pistalrose
“NTA. Disability doesn’t excuse hurting or terrifying other kids.”
“There are things that would be expected and reasonable accommodation for this child so that everyone can enjoy themselves.”
“Explaining to other kids that he may behave differently is being accepted and educational.”
“Helping bridge gaps in communication and behavioral differences between A[utism] S[pectrum] D[isorder] and neurotypical kids would help everyone involved.”
“However, Ignoring harmful behavior is not the same thing as accommodation.”
“His parents need to teach him what is acceptable instead of threatening punishment that they never follow through on.”
“His parents are being permissive because of his disability and expecting everyone else to ignore his behavior way beyond reasonable limits.”
“They are also hurting him by not helping him learn how to interact with others.”
“He needs clear guidelines for behavioral expectations, as well as explanations on the WHAT AND WHY of those expectations.” ~ Spirited-Ad-3696
“NTA. Yeah, they could still show up for a communal pool, but that does not mean they’re invited to your event.”
“I feel bad for the parent, but if they are not watching their kid continuously, these consequences shouldn’t fall on everyone else.”
“Especially if safety is at risk.”
“This puts you in a poor position.”
“I don’t think it’s the worst idea to give this person a second chance either, though, with a firm request that they bring an additional adult to help watch their child if they come because of the above issues you described.”
“Maybe, like, we are having this, and I want to invite you, but… huge safety concerns.”
“I understand your child needs extra care, so if you come, please bring a second adult to help watch your child for the safety of everyone else.” ~ More-Diet3566
“NTA if the parents refuse to make their out-of-control kid behave like he doesn’t belong at the party.”
“Him pushing people in the pool is dangerous AF (I nearly drowned as a child that way).” ~ Dominique-Gleeful
“NTA. If the pool is booked, is it closed to the public?”
“But it’s not wrong if you do not want the troublemaker there.” ~ Shadow4summer
OP came back with an Update…
“Thank you all for the advice.”
“I decided to speak with the parents and tell them that I’m in a difficult position as the event host who wants to ensure my guests’ safety and enjoyment.”
“I’ll explain the impact on my guests when the mom didn’t remove the misbehaving boy and that I’m now hesitant to host another event.”
“I’ll listen to their response (hopefully apologetic and proactive) and go from there.”
“For those of you debating whether I can or can’t ‘ban’ the family from the community pool, that’s not the point here: my question was about the etiquette around not inviting someone to a recurring event.”
It’s great that you have a plan, OP.
This is such a sensitive topic.
You are handling it with grace.
Hopefully, this young man’s parents will hear you out.
Good luck!!